Profound pronouncements......

[bassman]

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
   ~ ~ ~
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
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Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."
    ~ ~ ~
Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."
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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
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I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
    ~ ~ ~
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
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If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say 'nothing,' it doesn't mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.
    ~ ~ ~
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
    ~ ~ ~
I run like the winded.
    ~ ~ ~
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
    ~ ~ ~
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
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It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
    ~ ~ ~
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
    ~ ~ ~
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
    ~ ~ ~
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
    ~ ~ ~
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[scooperhsd]

So many of them are so true....
especially -
Patience tested
eight hours of sleep
and for sure - "walking a mile in my shoes"

[shadowsoftime]

If your going to follow in my footsteps you better watch where your stepping.

[Serk]

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.....

I M LIVID

[old2soon]

         I did NOT lose the keys to the car this time. I lost the whole cursed car!  RIDE SAFE.

[John Schmidt]

A wise man speaks because he has something to say.
A fool speaks because he has to say something.

[RP#62]

There's only 10 types of people, those that understand binary and those that don't.

-RP

[ridingron]

wife: What are you doing today?

retired husband: Nothing.

wife: That's what you did yesterday.

retired husband: I know, I didn't get finished.

[Jess from VA]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.  

If you see me running, you better run too.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.  Erma Bombeck

I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney 

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It's called the guillotine.  P.G. Wodehouse

At my age, flowers scare me.  George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.  George Burns

People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.  George Burns

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

I'm aging like a fine banana.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.  Bob Hope

[Ramie]

Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.

[crow]

No one is useless, you can always be used as a bad example,                     Bart  Simpson

[Chrisj CMA]

Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement.

I quote this one often. Probably because I have proven it so many times

[scooperhsd]

The older I get, the better I was .

[RP#62]

Its better to have a friend with a boat than it is to have a boat.

and my favorite

When you're dumb, you gotta be tough

-RP