Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[Jess from VA]

If that isn't Alice through the looking glass, I don't know what is.

[John Schmidt]

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.


-RP

I can recall a time when I used to be able to convert numbering systems, i.e., our Base 10 to say...Base 4 or any other based number systems. I must have a lot of available space in my brain now considering how much I've forgot.

[John Schmidt]

To the lady that flipped me off this morning when I waved and honked at you...I'm pretty sure your phone is no longer on top of your car. 

[Serk]

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at a tree, when the tree shouted "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said "And you will dialogue."

[Mooskee]

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)

As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'

I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

 

And that's when the fight broke out. ;-)

[f6gal]

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)

As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'

I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

 

Who's Louise?  You're married to Alice... remember?

[John Schmidt]

Rams old church joke reminded me of an old joke about a pastor that was always running well beyond the posted time for the service to end. As a result he got a lot of complaints about it, to which he always answered "I don't have a clock available to watch." . As it turned out, the church was in need of both some structural repairs and expansion so the pastor one Sunday made the following announcement from the pulpit.

Due to the upcoming plans for expansion, and in light of the complaints regarding lengthy sermons, I propose the following;
1. For a pledge of at least $5,000, I will buy a clock.

2. For a pledge of $15,000, I will hang it on the front of the balcony so as to be in direct sight of the pulpit.

3. For a pledge of $25,000, I will plug it in.

4. For a pledge of $30,000, I will look at it.

I'm told he got his pledges well beyond the $30,000 mark in a matter of minutes.

As a side note, I had an uncle that pastored the old church we attended when I was a kid and he was famous for running well past the hour. I asked him about it a couple times and always got put down by both my dad(his brother) and the pastor(my uncle). I had a number or cousins also in the church, enough to be noted if not present so we got together and hatched a plan. It was simply to get up en masse and walk out at the appointed hour. There were at least 10-12 each week and scattered througout the congregation. All parents were upset naturally but I think they kinda agreed with us because nobody was reprimanded. After doing it three weeks in a row, he finally announced we had made our point and from that day forward he never ran over more than a few minutes. I didn't mind a few minutes, but when the service was listed as from 11:00-12:00, and it often was 12:45pm or later when he finished...that was a bit much. We often had plans for the afternoon that often included meeting friends at a certain time. It was a highlight of one summer...for us kids, not my uncle. 

[Jess from VA]

I had a long night Torts class (twice a week) in law school that was taught by maybe the most doddering, incompetent, unorganized, possibly Alzheimers (but tenured) teacher I ever had in my life (and I'd had bad teachers before).  It was a big lecture hall with maybe 75 students.

He just droned on and on, and never answered a question, and it was hard to even stay awake.  But torts was a required freshman class (two semesters) you had to take and pass.

Because night class was from 7 to 11pm, there was always a 10 minute break in the middle.  The law school was on the edge of campus and there were two good bars just across the street.  Ten to 25 of us would run over there at the break and get a shot or two of whisky (or something) before going back to face the second half of the class.  And as the semester wore on, more and more of us would not come back for the 2d half of class at all. (You paid for it, but you learned nothing)

So eventually, enough people went obviously missing after breaks, he started to run longer and longer before announcing the break.  So one night, at normal break time, and with him droning on, 15-20 of us just got up and walked out to the bar, and did not return.

It finally became evident that the time in his classroom was so wasted that many of us stopped attending at all, using 7 to 11pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays to just open and study the Torts textbook instead.  And being night school, not having to commute the freeway into Detroit either night.  I passed, but it was far from my best class (or grade).

Not a joke, a true story.    

[DIGGER]

Johnny Cash…….

In 2021 its easier for “a boy named Sue” than it was in 1969.

[John Schmidt]

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!

[Willow]

Did you hear about the man that jumped off the Empire State Building and lived to tell about it?

The people on the 86th, 70th, and 50th floors heard him say as he passed, "So far, so good."

[John Schmidt]

And The Fairy Said….

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”

I don't know about that, I've met a few in my day that weren't. 

[DIGGER]

 
Sad News from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, remember it was sent to you in case your having a crumby day and kneading a lift.
 

[DIGGER]

Words of Wisdom…..

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

 
Be decisive.  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

 Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.

 

“The starting pay is $40,000.  Later it can go up to $80,000.”

“Great, I’ll start later.”

 

Trust science.  Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

 

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

 

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks - "What the Hell is wrong with you?"

 

 

“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.”

“Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.”

“Really?”

“Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”

 

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.

 

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like.  If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.

 

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

 

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

 

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate either one.

 

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?  Great food; no atmosphere.

 

If you see me talking to myself just move along.  I’m self-employed.  We’re having a meeting.

 

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".

 

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine.

I’m ageing like milk.  Getting sour and chunky.

 

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

 

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support person is asleep.  She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime.

 

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps.  When I was 3, I ate mud.

 

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

 

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

[hubcapsc]

This made me laugh...

Instead of Franklin D. Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Dwight D. Eisenhower and
Douglas MacArthur, we have Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Anthony Fauci and Rochelle Walensky.
If people of this caliber had been in charge in 1942, we might all be speaking German.

-Mike "OK, it was more of a wry smile..."

[Skinhead]

This made me laugh...

Instead of Franklin D. Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Dwight D. Eisenhower and
Douglas MacArthur, we have Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Anthony Fauci and Rochelle Walensky.
If people of this caliber had been in charge in 1942, we might all be speaking German.

-Mike "OK, it was more of a wry smile..."

It's funny how you never hear Meathead, Baldo, Savageo, or any of the other Biden supporters laughing at the jokes.

[DIGGER]

Its Sunday morning and the preacher is preaching at the pulpit when suddenly FLASH`BOOM (and a lot of smoke) and the preacher is on the ground and SATAN himself is standing at the pulpit.   The preacher and all the rest of the congregation are running and screaming and jumping out windows and the church is now empty.....except for one old man sitting on the front pew kicked back smiling.    The devil looks at him and says loudly "DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" .....the old man still smiling says "Yeah....I know who you are."    Satan says "YOU AINT AFRAID OF ME?".....the old man still smiling says "Naw.....I'm not afraid of you....I've been married to your sister for 50 yrs."     

[John Schmidt]

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

 

I generally apply those to women. 

[Jess from VA]

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

 

I generally apply those to women. 

With a roller or a brush?

[Serk]

So my friend said she'd got a job in a bowling alley.
I said: "Tenpin?"

She said: "No, it's permanent".

[John Schmidt]

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

 

I generally apply those to women. 

With a roller or a brush?

Just like someone with a weak bladder....Depends!

[Serk]

I made gumbo with only okra and sausage.

It wasn't bad, and it wasn't good.

...it was just meaty okra.

[da prez]

  the salesman's car broke down on a rainy night in the middle of farmland. Seeing a light at a distant farm house , he walked in the rain to the door. He knocked and knocked. No answer , but he could hear noise from inside.
He peered in the window and saw a woman and a man in a shocking way.  He ran back to the road and looked around and saw another light way down the road.
  Thru the rain and mud he walked to the other farm house , knocked on the door and was greeted by a farmer.
 He explained his situation and was made welcome and offered dry clothes and a warm meal.  
 Why did you walk all the way down here . The Jones farm was a lot closer.
 I did he replied , no answer , I looked in the window and got scared.
 There was a woman standing naked with an alarm clock on her head and holding her tit in her hand.
 He was standing there with his pants down , holding an umbrella in one hand and his penis in the other.
 The farmer replied , they are deaf mutes. She is telling him it's time to milk the cows and he is saying "screw you, it's raining".

[Grandpot]

I made gumbo with only okra and sausage.

It wasn't bad, and it wasn't good.

...it was just meaty okra.

Now that's a Dad joke if I ever heard one!

[John Schmidt]

I made gumbo with only okra and sausage.

It wasn't bad, and it wasn't good.

...it was just meaty okra.

Now that's a Dad joke if I ever heard one!

Yeah...sent it to my daughter. She responded with...."dad...really?" 

[Moonshot_1]

Jerry is looking for a job.

He and his family have been around railroads for generations and he is really good in that field.

Jerry finds a job opening at the local switch yard. It is one of the largest and busiest switch yards in the region. He applies and gets an interview.

At the interview Jerry is grilled about safety and how to run the yard. He is given problem scenario after problem scenario to solve.

“Train A and Train B are entering the yard on the same track at maximum speed and Train C is broken down between them. What do you do?”

And Jerry correctly answers such questions as the interviewer constantly attempts to trip Jerry up.

Finally the interviewer asks him a question about a scenario that is impossible to answer.

“Train A and Train B are 5 mins out on the same track. Train C is outbound on the same track. Train D has stalled in a cross track. A, B, and C all have brake failure and stuck throttles. All switches are broken and the trains cannot be put on side tracks. What do you do?”

Jerry says “My brother lives one block south of the control tower here. I’d go get him.”

The Interviewer says “Your brother would know what to do??”

Jerry says “Nope, he just ain’t ever seen a train wreck before.”

[DIGGER]

A salesman is late for the biggest meeting of his carreer.  He gets to the building where the meeting is to be held and the parking lot is full.   He is driving round and round the parking lot in a panic and just cant find a parking spot.   There will be dire consequences if he isnt in the meeting.    Finally in desperation as he is driving around in the parking lot he bows his head and says a prayer……”Oh dear Lord, I really need your help finding a parking spot.   Lord…if you will help me find a parking spot so I can make the meeting I PROMISE I will be in church EVERY Sunday for the next year”.     Miraculously a car started backing out of a parking spot right in front of the door to the building.  He said “Never mind Lord…I found one”.

[DIGGER]

3 Reasons not to fight an old man…..

1.  If you win….you beat up an old man.
2.  If you lose…you got beat up by an old man.
3.  An old man probably wont fight you…he will shoot you.

[Ken aka Oil Burner]

I envy you people in warmer states...

[Barbie]

What do call a woman with one leg?  Eileen

What do call a Asian woman with one leg?  Irene
Above is from f6gal.

I have a few from the past:

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a body of water?
Bob

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, laying by your door?
Matt

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a pile of leaves?
Russell

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, hanging on your wall?
Art

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a tree?
Leif

What are the names of men, with no arms and no legs, hanging above your window?
Curt N' Rod

What is the name of a woman, with no arms and no legs, lying on a beach?
Sandy

[Barbie]

Getting old is weird because you're still that same enthusiastic kid trapped in a shitshow of a body!

[Moonshot_1]

Flying across a desert, a pilot has engine trouble and makes a hard landing.
He's in rough shape and begins staggering, in the desert heat, towards a town he flew over, but it is miles away.

Desperate and near death from thrust, he miraculously stumbles into a man selling ties.

He asks "Do you have any water?"

The man replies, "Sorry, no. But I have these wonderful ties for sale!"

The  pilot says "I DON'T NEED A TIE! I MUST HAVE WATER!"

The man says "If you keep going the direction you are going there is a town just over that dune. My brother has a restaurant there and he'll be glad to give you all the water you need"

The pilot thanks him and continues on.

2 hours later the pilot comes back. "Your brother says I can't go into his restaurant with out a tie"

[DIGGER]

Dear God,

So far today, God, I’ve done alright.  I haven't gossiped, haven'tm lost my temper, havent been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over indulgent.  I’m really proud of myself, God.  But in a few minutes God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m going to need a lot more help.  Thank You!!   In Jesus name…Amen

[Barbie]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

[Oldfishguy]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

I’ve enjoyed this thread, thanks for all the posters.

In real life I had this happen to me.  For a time I was an adjunct instructor at a university teaching a senior level course for a number of years.  I have some specialty knowledge and would have a class of 25 or so for a semester.  One year, on the first day of class I’m up front lecturing deep in to the requirements for students that semester; the students were focused as normal.  Near the back of the class a gal sat and very subvertly, held a small sign she made that said “ Zipper Down”.  I moved to the podium nonchalantly, pulled up my zipper and moved on with the lecture.

That gal, did horrible work in the class, D at best.  But she got a B, just for her tact.

[DIGGER]

Superbowl....guy in his 50's sitting on 50 yd line front row with 5 empty seats next to him.   Tge guy next to him says " those seats next to you are $10,000 apiece and no one is in them.   Are they yours?"   The man says "yeah, me and my wife and my two sons and their wives normally set there.   My wife died a couple days ago and my two sons and their wives are at the funeral."......

[DIGGER]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, both are box seats. He paid $2,500 each & comes with ride to & from airport, dinner, $400 bar tab. Thing is he didn't realize last year when he bought them, that the Super Bowl was going to be  on the same day as his wedding. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place. It's at First Methodist Church in Austin, at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, great cook, loves to fish, hunt & clean your truck. She'll be in the white dress.

[John Schmidt]

Remember the panic when stores were running out of toilet paper at the beginning of the pandemic? They all forgot an easy way to save on TP...use both sides! 

[John Schmidt]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

Does Don know you talk about him behind his back? 
Good one Babs. 

[Serk]

I want to get a job with the US mint.

So I can go on strike.

...demanding to make less money.