Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[Moonshot_1]

A friend of mine at InZane told me, "Two things don't lie - little children and yoga pants."

Well, maybe the joke thread isn't the best place for deep truths. 

Well, you're not a child so stop wearing yoga pants and folks will stop commenting on it.

[Serk]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....


I'll let ya'll know....

[ridingron]

They told me "don't give up on your dreams". So I went back to sleep.

[DIGGER]

If Adam and Eve had been Cajuns...... they would have eaten the snake instead and saved us a whole lot of trouble.

[DIGGER]

On a t-shirt......

"I am a bomb technician.....
If you see me running.....
Try to keep up"

[RP#62]

Police have confirmed that the man that fell of the balcony of an 18th floor night club was not a bouncer.

-RP

[Robert]

[DIGGER]

Never make a woman mad....
They can remember stuff that hasn't even happened yet.

[Serk]

This is a angry post.

[Wizzard]

Know what you call a boomerang that doesnt come back??

A stick

How do you get rid of a boomerang?

[Jess from VA]

This is a angry post.

 

Low and solid posts like that cause cagers a lot of angry trouble.  Esp backing up.

[DIGGER]

I think that we can conclude that the "Time Out" generation
didnt produce as good a results as the "Ass Whooping" generation did.

[DIGGER]

Know what you call a boomerang that doesnt come back??

A stick

How do you get rid of a boomerang?

Ha...guess ya cant.....
Saw some old friends who have grown kids the other day and asked them how they liked being "empty nesters".....they replied " we are not 'empty nesters'....we are 'boomerangers'....we keep throwing our kids out ....and they keep coming back'.

[DIGGER]

Just found out that the company that makes yardsticks
wont be making them any longer.

[DIGGER]

Did you know that on
the Canary Islands
there is not one canary?.....
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing....Not one
canary there either.

[Serk]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He sees a girl sitting by herself and asks, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replies with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library start staring at the guy. Being embarrassed, he moves to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy's table and says with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I can tell what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$1500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library now look at the girl in shock. Then the guy whispers in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

[Jess from VA]

Reminds of a time when the wife had been giving me trouble.

So, we are sitting in a theater watching the movie, and I just rip a big loud fart and say.... honey, how could you? (laughter from patrons)

She got up and left in a huff.  But not far, I had the keys.  (good thing too)

[DIGGER]

Reminds of a time when the wife had been giving me trouble.

So, we are sitting in a theater watching the movie, and I just rip a big loud fart and say.... honey, how could you? (laughter from patrons)

She got up and left in a huff.  But not far, I had the keys.  (good thing too)

True story.....

I was working in a high rise office bldg once and on a crowded elevator with women and men in suits there were two friends in there that were always playing tricks on each other and one said to the other...."hey Joe...you still beat your wife like you used to"?.......how do you answer that?

[Jess from VA]

That's an old lawyer joke:  So Mr. Smith, when did you stop beating your wife?

Objection!!


Now, the old trick in the crowded elevator is to carefully let out a silent but deadly.  Then, act as outraged as everyone else.

[DIGGER]

A logging company was looking for a Field Project Foreman and a little small felliw came in to apply.   He did the paperwork and was called in for an interview.  During the interview the owner asked him " it says her on your application that you have experience as a Field Project Manager ....where did you do this at?"  Th he guy said " when we were logging in the Sahara Forest".   The owner said "you mean the Sahara Desert?"    The guy said "well....thats what they call it now."

[DIGGER]

Beware of a new EBAY scam......I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry and they sent motorcycle parts.

[DIGGER]

Has anyone tried unplugging the United States...and plugging it back in?

[DIGGER]

The inventor of "Autocorrect" has died.....
The Funnel will be held Tomato.

[ridingron]

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

 A Mississippi.

[John Schmidt]

What did Mike Tyson say to Chris Helmsworth after working out?

You’re going to be Thor in the morning. 

[DIGGER]

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope....
Now there are no jobs, no cash, and no hope....
Dear God....please dont let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

[bassman]

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It's not my age that bothers me; it's the side effects.

I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore...I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up."

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.  The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still dumb.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

[Jess from VA]

Excellent.   

[John Schmidt]

An Old Biker”....
So an 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in....
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"....
The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape”....
“I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn”....
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"....
The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"....
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"....
The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a biker too”....
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it”...
How about your dad's dad?....
How old was he when he died?....
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"....
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!”....
“How old is he?"....
The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old”....
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"....
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married”....
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!!”....
“Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"....
To this the old biker smiled

Probably for the same reason this 84 yr. old biker smiles...looks like next spring. 

[John Schmidt]

An Old Biker”....
“Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"....
To this the old biker smiled

Probably for the same reason this 84 yr. old biker smiles...looks like next spring. 

Well now, there's some NEWS!!!
Congratulations are in order.   Will there or will there not be a "Baby Shower"?   

Rams

Not likely. She's had an hysterectomy and I'm impotent following my prostate cancer treatment. So...we find other things to do together, however the winters do get rather chilly up here. That said, a person still needs to stay warm ya know! 

[ridingron]

For the coffee addicts.

I tried starting a day without coffee once. My court date is pending.

[DIGGER]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

[John Schmidt]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

I've made a few landings like that. My first wife and I both were licensed pilots and she always had a comment if I did that. She quit it when one day a wind gust caused her to make a rather hard "arrival" and made my headset actually fall off. We had fun with flying together, made long trips more interesting.

[ridingron]

A missionary was about to leave his posting in the jungles where he
 has spent years teaching the natives 'The Good Word' when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

 So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

 He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

 The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

 The missionary was pleased with the response.

 They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
 rock."
 Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
 hears a rustling in the bushes.
 As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

 The missionary is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
 The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

 The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
 teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how
 could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

 The chief replied, "My bike."

[DIGGER]

CALL THE POLICE - WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

[0leman]

CALL THE POLICE - WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed,

I kind of can relate as that is my name.   

[DIGGER]

Bumper Sticker on a Seniors car....

I'm speeding because I have to get there
before I forget where I'm going.

[DIGGER]

Sad News from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, remember it was sent to you in case your having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

[John Schmidt]

I normally don't brag about going to expensive places to shop, but I have to tell you...I just pulled out of a gas station.

Guess that really isn't very funny! 

[Tazman11]

An U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a small boat rowing towards Texas.
 
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts,

"Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,

"Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim
the territory taken by the USA during the War of 1812.”

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks,

"Just the four of you?”

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts,
"No Señor, we are the last four. Thanks to your own traitor, President Biden, the other 21 million are already there."