Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[da prez]

  In the weekly church collections for quite a while the has been a thousand dollars wrapped with a little ribbon. The pastor asks the people who take the offering basket to try to see who is putting the money in the offering basket. Do not say anything , just try to notice and let me know.
  An elderly lady , well dressed was seen and the pastor was notified.
 After church , the lady was asked to join the pastor for coffee. She complied.  In conversation , the pastor asked why and if she could afford to be so generous .
  Oh yes , my son sends me $2000.00 a week and I do not need that much money , so I give it to the church.
 What does your son do that he can afford to be so generous.
 Why , he is a veterinarian. He has a cat house in Chicago and one in New York.

                                               da prez

[ridingron]

My whole life I never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent pods or put glue in my hair. Somehow I just knew.

[Moonshot_1]

My whole life I never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent pods or put glue in my hair. Somehow I just knew.

Yup, just like me. Always got my brother to do it first.

[TrapperAH1G]

Last week I had a giveashitometer installed, kinda like a pacemaker.  It's either extremely accurate or broken, the needle hasn't moved at all!

I drink in moderation.  Moderation is an imaginary place that exists wherever I happen to be.

Hahaha - NO

Sometimes even I'm scared of the things my mind comes up with.

The real pandemic is how stupid people are.

Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It's not worth the jail time."

If you think I'm short, you should check my patience.

Of course your opinion matters, just not to me.

At this point in my life I am 97% feral and can not be integrated back into society.

If I was a Jedi, there's a 100% chance I'd use the force inappropriately.

I'd like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me.

Silence is an answer in many cases.

Being a functional adult every day seems a bit excessive doesn't it?

Karma has no menu, you get served what you deserve.

I don't care what you think of me.  My imaginary friends think I'm one of a kind.

I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember thinks and get excited.

A fun thing to do in the morning is not talk to me.

Hold on, let me overthink this.

It's a beautiful day to leave me alone.

I'm so lucky people can't hear what I'm thinking.

You know that little switch that keeps your mouth from moving when you're thinking?  Yeah well, the older you get the more it doesn't work.

[RP#62]

Saw on a T shirt:

Don't think I'm peaceful because I forgot how to be violent.


-RP

[DIGGER]

When you start feeling "POWERLESS",
just remember that a single one of your turds
can shut down an entire waterpark.

[bassman]

What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

If poison is past it's expiration date, is it mores poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C?

[bassman]

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Why is the letter w, in English, called double u?  Shouldn't it be called double v?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it takes 75-100 years to fully work.

[bassman]

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

[bassman]

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.  Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead

[DIGGER]

[bassman]

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not yet seen"
 
 
Brad lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
 
 
Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.
 
 
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.
 
 
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
 
 
Brad is a registered California Democrat.

[bassman]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
 

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not peeing in your pants.

[DIGGER]

My wife left me today....
She says I put sports ahead of our relationship.
We were together 6 seasons.

[DIGGER]

Dear Tide Detergent Company,


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go -- I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.
Your friend, Velma

[John Schmidt]

My daughters crack me up at times, also my oldest granddaughter. Got this from my older daughter.

[TrapperAH1G]

I'm in a hurry because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going!

I'm not as mean as I could be, or even as I once was, and I think people should appreciate that and  show a little gratitude.

I'm not perfect, but I can still ride a motorcycle, and that's pretty close for an old guy!

I'm always a little disappointed when liars pants don't actually catch fire.

[DIGGER]

One BIG difference between men and women
is when a woman says "Smell This"....it usually smells nice.

[Moonshot_1]

One BIG difference between men and women
is when a woman says "Smell This"....it usually smells nice.

Brings a thought to me...

Ask a guy "How ya doing?" and he says "Fine!", everything is actually fine.

Ask a woman "How are you doing?" and she says "Fine" it isn't the end of the world but you can see it from where you are and it is coming on fast.

[DIGGER]

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad.....

He wants to be a millionaire too.

[RP#62]

Imagine how a wolf feels when he finds out that poodles descended from him.  That's how grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.


-RP

[da prez]

 Funny , but true.
    A friend of my mothers was stopped by the police . Speeding.
 As the officer approached her car , she says" I know  , you stopped me to buy tickets to the policeman's ball".  The officer replied, " ma'am that is state police , County police don't have balls".  Then he realized what he said. A red face appeared and he walked to his car and left,  She didn't get a ticket. 

                                        da prez
,

[DIGGER]

If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses.  I wanted to be a pirate.  Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg leg surgery—Bill Maher

[DIGGER]

My horse is nocturnal.....
A true Night-Mare

[DIGGER]

Choked on an apple seed today....

Thats what I get for trying to eat healthy

Never have choked on a Reese's Butter Cup.

[DIGGER]

Chinese third graders are learning multi-variable calculus......

Our third graders are being taught that
"Men can have babies".

......this is not going to end well .....

[DIGGER]

You may mot like guns.....
That is your right.....

You may not believe in God....
That is your choice.....

But if someone is breaking into your home there are two things you are going to do.....
1).  Call someone who has a gun
2).  Pray that they get there in time

[ridingron]

A couple of priests in Ireland were having financial problems at their church. One day they decided to open a florist shop to raise money. It was a resounding success. Everyone liked to do business with them. However, a local florist saw a significant drop in business. He wrote the friars and asked them to shut down or he would be ruined. They wrote back that they were doing the Lord's work and would continue to do so. Next he visited them and explained that they had an unfair advantage. Still they refused the close up shop. So the man hired Hugh MacTaggart, a mean and nasty local ruffian to pay them a "visit." Hugh went over and beat the priests up and wrecked their shop. The friars then closed up their shop proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[DIGGER]

Threw out my back sleeping
and tweaked my neck sneezing
so I'm probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

[ridingron]

Bill has a few cows and one day he goes to the barn and sees that one of his cows suddenly has become cross-eyed. He calls his buddy, an experienced farmer, for help and his bud comes over and explains "no problem, happens some times".

 Well Bill is worried about the cow so his buddy assures him it's an easy fix. He tells Bill to stand in front of the cow and watch the cow;s eyes as he "fixes" the problem but watch closely as he doesn't want to over-correct. He takes a piece of tubing, sticks one end up the cow's rear and blows. Sure enough the cow's eyes return to normal.

 A few weeks later another of Bill's cows is suffering the same problem and Bill asks his bud over again, but this time it doesn't work very well. Bill questions and his buddy explains he has been suffering from a cold and some chest congestion and must not be able to blow hard enough.

 He suggests they swap places and he will watch as Bill blows. Bill goes to the cow's rear, pulls the hose out, turns it around and reinserts it. He bud hollers: "woah! what are you doing??" Bill replies: "Well, you said you had cold and I didn't want to put my lips on the same end of the hose where you had yours".

[DIGGER]

Three words no man wants to hear.......

I went in for a prostate exam.   The doctor did the finger wave and afterwards
He walked out.   As he was walking out the nurse came in and closed the door.....looked at me and said "Who was that?".

[da prez]

  It could be worse. Prostate exam. Do you feel that. And I am going to push a little harder. He has both hands on your shoulders.

                              da prez

[Serk]

How to cook a steak:

Microwave frozen steak for 7 minutes. Flip over and cook for another 3 minutes. Remove and dab with paper towel. Little dash of salt and pepper. Cut the whole steak into bite sized pieces. Dip in ketchup.

[Moonshot_1]

How to cook a steak:

Microwave frozen steak for 7 minutes. Flip over and cook for another 3 minutes. Remove and dab with paper towel. Little dash of salt and pepper. Cut the whole steak into bite sized pieces. Dip in ketchup.

This IS for a well done steak and it will cook the rubberness right out of it. So be careful. You want the rubberness. 5 minutes for frozen steak and flip for 2 more or until you can bounce it onto the plate.
Ghost peppers in the ketchup is essential.

Otherwise, an excellent recipe.

[DIGGER]

2 young 8 yr old buys having an argument and throwing insults at each other.....

One of the boys says.....
"Oh yeah....well your dad drinks Bud Light that he bought at a Target store!!!!"

[DIGGER]

Why Rock and Roll will never die.....

https://www.facebook.com/reel/579368260909135?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=0NULKw

[John Schmidt]

Why Rock and Roll will never die.....

https://www.facebook.com/reel/579368260909135?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=0NULKw

Loved it. My girls would get together in the living room when some good dancing music would come on the TV or radio. The three older gals would be singing and dancing and even dad here would do some jitterbug with them. Great memories...cute video.

[DIGGER]

My Mom once told me.....

"You're not the dummest guy in the world....
But you better hope he doesnt die......"

[ridingron]

 America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.  David Letterman

[DIGGER]

Dated a girl once that had a big parrot.  We broke up because the darned thing wouldnt shut up.   Talked all the time...... I kinda miss the parrot though.