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bassman
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« Reply #680 on: June 24, 2023, 07:13:15 AM » |
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A FLORIDA Highway Patrol officer stops a man on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. But, to play around with him the officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a 'nut case' on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.'
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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RP#62
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« Reply #681 on: June 26, 2023, 08:33:59 PM » |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #682 on: June 29, 2023, 04:33:55 PM » |
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I married my wife for her looks....
But not the ones she has been giving me lately.....
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signart
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« Reply #683 on: July 01, 2023, 09:21:15 PM » |
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92 year old man while proudly strolling through the common area in the nursing home, meets a middle age woman walking across the room. He stops the lady and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am!"
She replies "I bet I can." Then she says "Pull your pants down to your ankles". The old guy pulls down his pants. "Now pull your drawers down". He then pulls down his drawers.
"You're 92 years old", she exclaimed. The old man says "How did you know that?"
The woman says "You told us yesterday!"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #684 on: July 02, 2023, 06:09:27 AM » |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #685 on: July 04, 2023, 09:26:37 PM » |
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You ever take a swing at your dad?
Yeah....once when I was 12.
What happened?
I dont know....I didnt wake up till I was 15.....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #686 on: July 04, 2023, 09:30:36 PM » |
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Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes your life forever.....
We call these people cops.....
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RP#62
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« Reply #687 on: July 08, 2023, 04:51:54 PM » |
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 -RP |
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Serk
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« Reply #688 on: July 08, 2023, 05:30:20 PM » |
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This has to be the most compelling argument in favor of loud pipes that I've ever seen...  |
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away...  IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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FryeVRCCDS0067
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« Reply #689 on: July 08, 2023, 09:52:39 PM » |
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I tried moving my dart board to the ceiling of my shop but it made me "throw up".
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"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. And... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.'' -- Barry Goldwater, Acceptance Speech at the Republican Convention; 1964  |
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da prez
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« Reply #690 on: July 09, 2023, 08:20:02 AM » |
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When one door closes , and another opens ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you are in prison.
da prez
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DIGGER
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« Reply #691 on: July 09, 2023, 12:56:18 PM » |
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When one door closes , and another opens ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you are in prison.
da prez
When one door closes, another opens.....other than that its a pretty good car..... |
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da prez
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« Reply #692 on: July 09, 2023, 03:57:37 PM » |
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The hobo knocks on the door and when answered , he asks the woman for a hand out. The woman says " do you see the fire wood pile"? Yeah , I seen it. No corrects the lady , you saw it. The hobo say's Look lady , you seen me see it , but you aint gonna see me saw it.
da prez
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DIGGER
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« Reply #693 on: July 09, 2023, 09:25:48 PM » |
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The hobo knocks on the door and when answered , he asks the woman for a hand out. The woman says " do you see the fire wood pile"? Yeah , I seen it. No corrects the lady , you saw it. The hobo say's Look lady , you seen me see it , but you aint gonna see me saw it.
da prez
Haha |
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bassman
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« Reply #694 on: July 10, 2023, 04:28:13 PM » |
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Airline Announcements:
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
************ ********* ********* *******
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
************ ********* ********* *******
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
************ ********* ********* *******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
************ ********* ********* *********
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
************ ********* ********* ********* ****
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
************ ********* ********* *******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
************ ********* ********* *******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
************ ********* ********* *****
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
************ ********* ********* *****
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses... except for that gentleman over there.'
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
************ ********* ********* ********* *
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways..'
************ ********* ********* ********* *
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
************ ********* ********* ********* *
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
************ ********* ********* ********* *
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
************ ********* ********* ********* *
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY !!!
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DIGGER
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« Reply #695 on: July 10, 2023, 05:48:08 PM » |
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Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their kids.....
I Rember once when my Mom Factory Reset me with a slap.....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #696 on: July 10, 2023, 07:34:05 PM » |
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Northern and southern states are not separated by a line on a map.
It's determined by the amount of sugar in your iced tea.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #697 on: July 10, 2023, 07:41:22 PM » |
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Im definately not a ten......
I'm more like 2 5's held together with mashed potatoes......
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baldo
Member
Posts: 6960
Youbetcha
Cape Cod, MA
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« Reply #698 on: July 13, 2023, 06:39:05 AM » |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #699 on: July 13, 2023, 09:25:05 AM » |
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A number of the Harley coriders I've seen...and drivers...couldn't bend over that far just sitting on the couch, let alone on a bike. Many riders I've seen use the tank as a belly support...and have matching coriders.  |
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Moonshot_1
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« Reply #700 on: July 13, 2023, 11:06:27 AM » |
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Are we sure those are Harley riders? They ain't wearing any Harley clothes. I thought that was required. |
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Mike Luken
Cherokee, Ia.
Former Iowa Patriot Guard Ride Captain
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Clarkcelt
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« Reply #701 on: July 13, 2023, 11:18:35 AM » |
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... and they are wearing *gasp* HELMETS! Those can NOT be Harley riders!  |
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Sorcerer
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« Reply #702 on: July 13, 2023, 12:55:32 PM » |
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They just bought their first bike and it’s aHarley. After their first bike night the helmets will be replaced with proper HD do rags. Along with the pirate clothes. Arrrrr
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DIGGER
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« Reply #703 on: July 14, 2023, 09:58:04 PM » |
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I think maybe he ought to check her pulse.....
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ridingron
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« Reply #704 on: July 15, 2023, 07:18:03 PM » |
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Once you understand why the pizza is made round, packed in a square box and eaten as a triangle,
you might understand women.
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baldo
Member
Posts: 6960
Youbetcha
Cape Cod, MA
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« Reply #705 on: July 16, 2023, 04:00:25 PM » |
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*snicker*  |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #706 on: July 16, 2023, 06:59:33 PM » |
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Just sent that picture to my son-in-law, he told one guy "if you're strong enough wander through the forest deer hunting, you're strong enough to ride a regular bike." He'll get a chuckle out of that picture.
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f6john
Member
Posts: 9312
Christ first and always
Richmond, Kentucky
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« Reply #707 on: July 17, 2023, 05:53:25 AM » |
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bassman
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« Reply #708 on: July 18, 2023, 08:17:01 AM » |
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Lets have illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders
for a chance at citizenship.
We’ll call it “Aliens vs Predators"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #709 on: July 18, 2023, 04:08:56 PM » |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #710 on: July 18, 2023, 04:10:56 PM » |
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I am trying to master the art of eating a powdered doughnut
without Looking like I just got back from the Whitehouse.
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Wizzard
Member
Posts: 4043
Bald River Falls
Valparaiso IN
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« Reply #711 on: July 20, 2023, 12:07:58 PM » |
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Single lady across the street is very good looking.
One day she came over and knocked on my door at 5PM and said
" I have been bored all day and now just want to go out and party. You doing anything tonight"?
I said no and she said
"Great, can you watch my dog"?
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DIGGER
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« Reply #712 on: July 20, 2023, 11:07:27 PM » |
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Dear Paranoid people who
check behind their shower curtains for murderers and rapists.....
if you DO find one....what's your plan???
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Wizzard
Member
Posts: 4043
Bald River Falls
Valparaiso IN
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« Reply #713 on: July 21, 2023, 06:43:30 AM » |
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VRCC # 24157 |
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Moonshot_1
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« Reply #714 on: July 21, 2023, 09:25:50 AM » |
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Not sure what would be "funny" about this. Stupid and asinine maybe, but not really funny. It would be like marketing canned cocktails to Fred. Calling it "Soda only for Fred". Can't drink it unless your name is Fred. What kind of marketing strategy is that? |
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Mike Luken
Cherokee, Ia.
Former Iowa Patriot Guard Ride Captain
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Wizzard
Member
Posts: 4043
Bald River Falls
Valparaiso IN
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« Reply #715 on: July 21, 2023, 10:32:43 AM » |
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Actually I was being facetious.
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VRCC # 24157 |
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f6gal
Administrator
Member
Posts: 6882
Surprise, AZ
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« Reply #716 on: July 21, 2023, 08:19:41 PM » |
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A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora,” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”
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Willow
Administrator
Member
Posts: 16590
Excessive comfort breeds weakness. PttP
Olathe, KS
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« Reply #717 on: July 21, 2023, 08:34:22 PM » |
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A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.
A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora,” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”
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RP#62
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« Reply #718 on: July 22, 2023, 09:01:52 AM » |
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 -RP |
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RP#62
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« Reply #719 on: July 22, 2023, 09:19:49 AM » |
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 -RP |
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