Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[..]

Elton John got a pet rabbit as a present.

He decided it needed exercise so he bought it a little treadmill.

It's a little fit bunny.

[DIGGER]

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!

Remember that regular sex helps keep the mind sharp.    Yall have a Happy 2016!!!

[DIGGER]

Cleaned my big screen tv with anti virus wipes

I lost CNN…MSNBC….ABC….CBS…..and NBC.

[Skinhead]

K9 PSA

[Grandpot]

Ya know, there is a huge lack of feedback or reactions to this thread that I've noticed.
Should I just let it die?   Just trying to lighten it up a little.   I never promised good jokes ya know.

Rams

Absolutely keep it up.  Let's go Viagra!

[flsix]

Rams I was reading through these bits of brilliance and even read a few to my wife. I also was wondering why there are very few comments.
The world needs more smiles so please keep them coming.

[hubcapsc]

You're gettin' lots of feedback... check the "read count" ...

Ya know, there is a huge lack of feedback or reactions to this thread that I've noticed.
Should I just let it die?   Just trying to lighten it up a little.   I never promised good jokes ya know.

Rams

[NewValker]

Keep ‘em coming!!   

Craig 

[DIGGER]

A man and woman go to the doctor and are escorted into an exam room.   Doc comes in and asks whats the problem?   The guy says “well we want you to watch us have sex”.   Doc says “why?”   The guy says “ just watch….” And they strip down and have a wild sexual encounter on the exam table.   The doc says “well….I dont see anything unusual…whats the problem?”    The guy says “well….you see doc….we are both married but not to each other…..if we go to the Holiday Inn it costs $200 for a room….if we come here its just $75 for a office visit and my insurance pays 80%.”

[RP#62]

This little old man with long white hair dies and goes to heaven.  He's met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter.  Saint Peter says you, old man, what's your name.  The old man looks a little confused and says it's been so long I don't remember.  All I remember is that I was a carpenter and had a son that did great things.  Saint Peter is now interested and calls Jesus and says you need to get over here and talk to this old man that just arrived.  Jesus comes over and says you, old man, what's your name.  The old man says well, like I told this fellow, I don't remember.  All I can remember is that I was a carpenter and had a son that did great things.  Jesus came in close and looked the old man in the eyes and said Father?.  The little old man looked into Jesus' eyes and said Pinocchio?

-RP

[Jess from VA]

  (feedback)

[DIGGER]

A man dies and is at the pearly gates trying to get into Heaven and St Peter is looking at the books.  St Peter says books are about even.  You done anything recently that might sway the books in your favor?
The guy says well recently I was leaving work and got off the elevator in the parking garage and I heard a lady screaming and I ran over to where a biker gang was trying to get her down and rape her so I ran over and kicked over their motorcycles…kicked one in the nuts….slammed two of ems heads together….knocked one down and split his head open on the concrete….. backed up to the woman and told the rest of them “If any of you want her its going to be over my dead body”.  St Peter said “When did this happen?”    The guy says “About ten minutes ago”

[DIGGER]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

Oops! 

Ohhhh boy…..as two other men at the party slink down in the crowd

[Jess from VA]

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison. (or jail)

Actually, the first time many lawyers first meet their clients is in jail/prison.

Believe it or not, they often won't let them out to come to your office. 


Though they're letting way too many out without bail these days (mostly in places you don't want to live).   

[da prez]

  Blond sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat. She is rowing franticly , throwing up a dust storm.

 Another blond walks to the fence and yells to her. "Just what do you think you are doing, You are making blonds look bad.

  "Screw you" ,She replies.  Second blond says " if I could swim , I would kick your butt.

                                        da prez

[Jess from VA]

Not a joke (copied off the web), a true story.

At my undergraduate university, while serving as a resident advisor (RA), we got a guy who started exposing himself to girls.  Mostly in winter in the underground passageways between a quad of four dorms to a central dining commons.  In most of his exposures, he was wearing orange corduroy pants, which seemed like poor planning (although it was the hippy dippy days, so orange pants weren't as weird as you'd think).  All RAs were on the lookout for him.

A female friend of mine was also an RA in a girls dorm in this quad; was walking down there with some of her friends, when she saw Mr Orange Pants coming their way.  She told them to slow down and watch.  Sure enough, he produced his junk.  The girlfriends all screamed (exactly what he wanted), but my friend advanced on him and did a perfect football kickoff right to his nuts.  He dropped crying, and she sat on him and put him in a hammer lock face down, and told her girlfriends to stop screaming and go get the cops.  And they did.  She got and needed no assistance.

I wasn't there, but this was one of the funniest stories I heard in 1973.

Adapt, improvise, overcome.    

My kind of woman.  

I owned bell bottom pants, but none of them were orange.  

The idea of charging her with an unlawful assault, never occurred to anyone.  She was commended (as she should have been).

[John Schmidt]

More like a ball buster!

[Grandpot]

My wife, son, and daughter are all blondes.  I never tell them a joke unless all three are together.  I hate having to explain it three separate times.

[Mooskee]

A man is sitting at a bar when a beautiful woman walks up to him. She leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asks what is the condition.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considers her proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from his pocket, and presses into the woman's hand along with his address.

He then looks deeply into her eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Paint my house!

[da prez]

   The Barney song, New version.

  I hate you, you hate me. We are a dis functional family.
  With. a punch and a kick and a slap from me to you.
  Won't you say you hate me to.

                                       da prez

[Jess from VA]

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”

[Funbaldguy]

So I died and went to hell. Not liking it. I asked the devil. what do I have to do  to-get out?  He said go make love to the ugliest woman you can find. Wanting out desperately I did as I was told.
 returning to the devil I started to tell him I had done what he had asked of me. Then I noticed this beautiful 10 for sure. WOW!!  But with you and your grin. I stopped and asked. What gives? I just had to do the unthinkable. The devil turned and said. Oh that. Yes that 10 over there wants out as well.

[Jess from VA]

The suspense is killing me. 

[DIGGER]

The next time you hate your
life remember, it's all about
perspective. I have a friend
who has sex 2-3 times a day,
exercises twice a day, reads 2
books a week and yet
complains about how much
he hates prison.

[John Schmidt]

A company is introducing glass coffins. Will they be successful?
Remains to be seen!  

Where does a one-legged waitress work?
I-Hop! 

[POPS 57]

A company is introducing glass coffins. Will they be successful?
Remains to be seen!  

Where does a one-legged waitress work?
I-Hop! 

I bet she was as busy as a one legged man at a a$$ kicking contest.

[DIGGER]

A man is lying on his deathbed.  He only has minutes to live….and suddenly the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies comes floating into the room.    He just wants one more chocolate chip cookie before he goes.    He falls out of bed….drags himself across the floor….down the stairs….thru the living room….and into the kitchen.    It takes all the strength he can muster but he crawls up to the cabinets…..reaches up and over the countertop……and just as his fingers touch the plate of chocolate chip cookies…..his wife SLAPS his hand and says….”Leave those alone….they are for the funeral!!!”

[John Schmidt]

Old Joe and Louie were inseparable friends, had been for years. Late one night Joe gets a call from the highway patrol saying they think it's his friend Louie that has been in a fatal car accident and they need him to come to the scene of the crash to help ID him. Joe arrives and is taken to where the body lays. The trooper pulls open the body bag and Joe takes a look, then says "yep, that's Louies shirt I gave him last Christmas, those are the same pants I also gave him then, but where's his head?" Trooper pointed to something covered laying a few feet away. Joe walks over, pulls back the cover and picks up the head by the hair, holding it up well above his shoulders for a clear view. Trooper asks "well?" Joe answers "yep, that's Louie's head alright, I just don't recall him being quite so tall!" 

[John Schmidt]

Hmmm...timing sounds about right, eh Don?! Or were the eggs still a bit soft. 

[John Schmidt]

A 75 year old millionaire married a 25 year old woman. His brother took him aside and asked "How'd you get such a younger woman to marry you?" The guy answered "I lied about my age" The brother asked "How old did you say you were?" The guy answered"I told her I'm 85!"

I go to the gym 2-3 times a week and noticed we have some rather young gals in there at times. A couple weeks ago I approached a pretty young thing and casually asked if she had any New Year resolutions. She gave me a funny look then answered "screw you!"  Now I'm really excited about coming events for this year. 

[da prez]

Jack and Jill went up the hill , each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came back with two and a half , did they really go up for water?

 Little Miss Muffet , sat on her tuffet , eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider , sat down beside her , and said "what's in the bowl Bitch".

 Johnny went fishing , Johnny hooked a bass. Johnny fell in clear up to his ask me no questions , I'll tell you no lies , Johnny fell in clear up to his eyes.

                                              da prez

[DIGGER]

Two cowboys got between cowboying jobs and couldnt find any work.  Then they Found out that the local govt was paying $15 per Indian scalp so they started killing and scalping indians for money.   They were making a lot of money killing lots of Indians and turning in their scalps for the bounty.   Well…..The Indians started grtting hacked about what was going on and assembled all the tribes in the area….hundreds of Indians…..and they snuck upon the two cowboys asleep one night and surrounded them.    One of the cowboys woke up and looked around at these hundreds of Indians surrounding them and reached over and shook his partner awake.    His partner sat up and looked around….got a big smile on his face and said “ Manoman….we gonna be RICH!!!”

[John Schmidt]

Last night at dinner, I told a joke about undelivered mail...
Unfortunately, nobody seemed to get it.

[DIGGER]

My wife is showing the first signs of Altheimers…..
she says she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.

[ridingron]

Recycled from 2016, Thanks Patrick. 

   

    After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking
    at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
 
Her frustration over her inability to lose
weight was depressing her.
 
In an act of desperation, she decided to
call on God for help...
 
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll
devote my life to you," she prayed.
 
And just like that, her ears fell off!
 
Touching story, isn't it!
 

[Jess from VA]

 

[JimC]

I poached this one from a friend on FBook
Jim

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[DIGGER]

I poached this one from a friend on FBook
Jim

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Haha

[John Schmidt]

How did the barber win the race?

He found a shortcut!

[Skinhead]

The current administration.