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POPS 57
Member
Posts: 456
Motorized Bandit
Motley MN
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« Reply #841 on: December 24, 2023, 11:25:11 AM » |
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To my teacher who said I will never amount to anything.
I have only one thing to say.
That was a lucky guess.
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And as i shifted into 5th I couldn't remember a thing she said.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #842 on: December 28, 2023, 02:29:35 PM » |
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NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN...
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others........
When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan was called into the Oval Office by the President, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Mr. President his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to pee on my grave."
The General saluted. "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
Thats good cause he aint cutting in front of me I tell ya |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #843 on: December 28, 2023, 08:04:26 PM » |
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Mooskee
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« Reply #844 on: December 29, 2023, 12:51:39 PM » |
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Artificial Intelligence or Natural Stupidity? I was on my website looking at product descriptions for our Tee Shirt. The site has an option to use AI to generate the descriptions, so I gave it a try. My product description for our Tee Shirt: Hanes 100% cotton Tee Shirt. Graphics are black on a white Tee. The front has VALKYRIE. The back has YOU DESERVE LIFE BEHIND BARS around a black on white graphic of the view from the seat with the road ahead and ocean, desert, forest, mountains, a city and a bridge in the distance. The AI suggested description: Introducing our exclusive Tee Shirt - You Deserve Life Behind Bars. This white t-shirt features a unique design resembling an old man, adorned with various alcohol-themed images. Perfect for motorcycle enthusiasts.  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #845 on: December 31, 2023, 06:04:46 AM » |
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cmawest
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« Reply #846 on: January 01, 2024, 09:10:00 AM » |
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one day an old biker was standing at a river fishing, a frog swam up and said, sir, pick me up and kiss me and i will turn into a beutiful princess. he just ignored the frog, then the frog again said "SIR" pick me up and kiss me and i will turn into a sexy princess and will be all yours, the biker leaned over and picked up the frog and put in his jacket pocket and went on fishing. the frog said "SIR" are you not interested in a sexy princess who can make all your fantasies come true, NO said the old biker, at my age i think id rather have a talking frog.
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #847 on: January 01, 2024, 06:54:04 PM » |
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That's like the old guy answers the door in his hotel room. When he opened it there stands a beautiful young woman, scantily dressed, and in a sultry voice said "hi honey, how about super sex?" To which the old guy answered "at my age, I'll take the soup!"  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #848 on: January 07, 2024, 05:11:34 PM » |
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I dont have a memory problem.....
I'm just really good at letting go of the past....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #849 on: January 08, 2024, 06:26:12 PM » |
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I saw a flying saucer this morning.
It was followed by a flying cup and a couple of other dishes.
I think she's mad at me.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #850 on: January 10, 2024, 07:44:08 AM » |
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #851 on: January 10, 2024, 08:12:30 AM » |
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #852 on: January 10, 2024, 08:13:21 AM » |
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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Serk
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« Reply #853 on: January 12, 2024, 01:05:37 PM » |
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I woke up with stir-fry all over my bed.....
...I must have been sleep wokking...
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away...  IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #854 on: January 13, 2024, 08:42:59 AM » |
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We are livimg in a culture where the govt supplies welfare recipients with a free $800 cell phone so they can check their food stamp balance.
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Willow
Administrator
Member
Posts: 16590
Excessive comfort breeds weakness. PttP
Olathe, KS
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« Reply #855 on: January 14, 2024, 03:12:11 PM » |
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... cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. ...
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DIGGER
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« Reply #856 on: January 14, 2024, 05:53:41 PM » |
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On " Yellowstone" tonight.....
Story up in Montana of a Texan talking to a Ranch hand......
Texan: You a rancher?
R hand: yeah...I got 50 acres and some cows....
Texan: 50 acres??? Ha!! Why son I can get in my truck and it takes all day just to get to my entrance gate....
R hand: Yeah...I know what you mean....I used to have a truck like that.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #857 on: January 15, 2024, 12:07:07 PM » |
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Angry wife: "I should have married the devil!!....
he would have made a better husband than you!!"
Husband: "They would just have arrested you!!....
Its illegal to marry relatives in this country!!"
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Hook#3287
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« Reply #858 on: January 16, 2024, 05:01:35 AM » |
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Two Octogenarian's, Hank and Pete, life long trout fishing buddies, were heading up to their favorite spot, when Pete spotted a frog stuck in the mud.
The frog did all it could to get free but just couldn't do it.
Pete reached down and lifted the frog out of the muck.
As he held it in his hand, the frog started speaking.
"Thank you kind sir for freeing me from my peril" it said.
Totally surprised, Hank and Pete just stared at it.
The frog continued "As a reward for your selfless action, if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young human women and will give you sexual satisfaction every day for the rest of your life"
Pete thought for a second and slipped the frog into his catch bag.
Hank said, "Pete, what the heck are you doing? Don't you want a beautiful young girl to help you enjoy the rest of your days?"
Pete said, "I'd rather have a talking frog"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #859 on: January 16, 2024, 08:51:07 AM » |
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Relationship tip for men:
Tighten the lids on all jars in the house.
She'll have to speak to you eventually.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #860 on: January 16, 2024, 08:53:07 AM » |
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My life is an
open book, but it's very poorly written
and I die in the end.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #861 on: January 16, 2024, 08:54:23 AM » |
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Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership
and test drove 3 cars to run my errands.
Follow me for more money saving tips
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Hook#3287
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« Reply #862 on: January 17, 2024, 04:16:59 AM » |
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Rams, I didn't see #8 in response #1421, but the joke as I heard it was about being old. Keep up the jokes, we need laughter.  |
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POPS 57
Member
Posts: 456
Motorized Bandit
Motley MN
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« Reply #863 on: January 18, 2024, 04:37:51 PM » |
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I ordered a book on how to scam people. It's been a couple of months and and i haven't seen it yet. |
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And as i shifted into 5th I couldn't remember a thing she said.
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ridingron
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« Reply #864 on: January 20, 2024, 01:15:33 AM » |
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My wife ask me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with. Apparently I'm not suppose to pick two of them.
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da prez
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« Reply #865 on: January 20, 2024, 05:53:32 AM » |
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I should know better by now to N O T drink coffee when reading the joke thread.  da prez |
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da prez
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« Reply #866 on: January 20, 2024, 08:08:30 AM » |
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City slicker stops at a farm. Farmer asks what he wants. Just looking.
Slicker, Look at them bunch of cows.
Farmer ,herd of cows.
Slicker , yeah ,I heard of cows.
Farmer , no, cow herd.
Slicked , I don't care what the cow heard , I do not have any secrets from them.
da prez
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Willow
Administrator
Member
Posts: 16590
Excessive comfort breeds weakness. PttP
Olathe, KS
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« Reply #867 on: January 20, 2024, 05:34:01 PM » |
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... I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
LOL! I will take that bet.  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #868 on: January 21, 2024, 05:20:30 PM » |
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If men are from Mars....
And women are from Venus....
All those other genders must come from Uranus....
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #869 on: January 22, 2024, 09:57:35 AM » |
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Copied off farcebook.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
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Serk
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« Reply #870 on: January 23, 2024, 06:21:12 AM » |
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Old man to young motorcyclist:
Sonny, back in MY day all we had was Harleys!
...so we walked everywhere.
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away... IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #871 on: January 23, 2024, 08:39:22 AM » |
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather (Serk) had just passed away, Katie went straight to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Kate told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along.
Yup...you know the old saying; "If you're going to buy a birthday card for someone approaching 100 yrs. of age, you might want to put it off until the last minute."  |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #872 on: January 23, 2024, 11:52:05 AM » |
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A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!"  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #873 on: January 24, 2024, 12:19:09 AM » |
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I just had a physical....
Doctor said "don't eat anything fatty."
I said "like bacon and burgers?"
He said " no Fatty....dont eat anything."
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Serk
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« Reply #874 on: January 24, 2024, 10:46:37 AM » |
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When a woman says "5 minutes", think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams still have all of their timeouts.
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away... IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #875 on: January 24, 2024, 02:20:07 PM » |
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When a woman says "5 minutes", think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams still have all of their timeouts.
Me with four daughters & a wife, can you imagine? They learned fast, as did their mother, when a few times I just left and mom ended up driving the second car.  |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #876 on: January 26, 2024, 10:58:05 AM » |
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Want to get your relatives talking to one another again?
Send them a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family on the front and include a child in the picture that no one knows.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #877 on: January 27, 2024, 07:41:47 AM » |
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I'm so old that I've actually dialed a rotary phone before, while listening to an 8 track, next to a black & white TV with aluminum foil on top of its rabbit ear antennas!
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Rams
Member
Posts: 16161
So many colors to choose from yet so few stand out
Covington, TN
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« Reply #878 on: January 27, 2024, 09:01:16 AM » |
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A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?" Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Dewey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!"  |
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VRCC# 29981
Learning the majority of life's lessons the hard way.
Every trip is an adventure, enjoy it while it lasts.
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Serk
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« Reply #879 on: January 27, 2024, 09:12:39 AM » |
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If a man says he'll fix it when he gets around to it, he'll fix it, there's no need to remind him every six months!
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away... IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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