I have way too much time on my hands. Puns for the "punny" bone! :)

[John Schmidt]

Puns For the Educated (and us commoners!)


1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.  His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.  Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am?  I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.  Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3.  A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!  I think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to be a little patient."

4.  A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.  One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5.  Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.  The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6.  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7.  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8.  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9.  There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became pregnant.  The first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.  (Some of you may need help with this one).


10.  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.  When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

 

[Varmintmist]

he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

You should be punished for that. 

[Michael K (Az.)]

Pun spelled backwards is nup, and that's E-Nup outta you!

[John Schmidt]

Pun spelled backwards is nup, and that's E-Nup outta you!

Our weather is lousy so I'm killing time. Sunny, in the 70's, and wind blowing in the 30's. Went out on the bike to run an errand and half the time I was riding at a 45 deg. angle due to the wind. Plus....it messes up my hair. 

I have a room reserved with two queens in case you get the urge.

[FLAVALK]

Pun spelled backwards is nup, and that's E-Nup outta you!

Our weather is lousy so I'm killing time. Sunny, in the 70's, and wind blowing in the 30's. Went out on the bike to run an errand and half the time I was riding at a 45 deg. angle due to the wind. Plus....it messes up my hair. 

I have a room reserved with two queens in case you get the urge.

Hey John, did you pick up those queens at the Parliment House???   

[Willow]

Our weather is lousy so I'm killing time. Sunny, in the 70's, and wind blowing in the 30's. Went out on the bike to run an errand and half the time I was riding at a 45 deg. angle due to the wind. Plus....it messes up my hair. 

I have a room reserved with two queens in case you get the urge.

John, killing time shouldn't be as painful as we sometimes make it.   

So, If Michael chooses not to join you will you be able to handle the two queens alone?    

[Jack]

I am sitting here wondering why I read ALL of those.  I musta be bored!

[ChromeDome]

[Piper]

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[John Schmidt]

That was soooo bad it hurt my eyes.    I'll have to send it on to my various family members. I told my wife I had posted those puns on here...her reaction; OMG, YOU DIDN'T!!!

Steve, back in the "day" I had to do an audit on the Parliment House. Now that was an experience I could have done without. So that others will understand...the Parliment House(motel & club) is a "happy" place here in Orlando and caters to those of like disposition, male and female.

Carl, re. handling the two queens, now-a-days when asked if I want super sex.....I'll take the soup. 

[Piper]

That was soooo bad it hurt my eyes.    I'll have to send it on to my various family members. I told my wife I had posted those puns on here...her reaction; OMG, YOU DIDN'T!!!

If you ever want to torture your ears and brain, try the O Henry Pun Off in Austin, Tx.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O._Henry_Pun-Off
Sometimes you can catch the "highlights" on PBS or public access tv.
Some of them will truly make your gut spasm.
Great fun as only Austin can do.