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Author Topic: Just to make you feel better (HUMOR)  (Read 99694 times)
Westernbiker
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Posts: 1464


1st Place Street Kings National Cruiser Class

Phoenix


« Reply #120 on: November 03, 2010, 02:29:12 PM »

cooldude . . .  took awhile to 'get', but a 5 smiley joke.

 Smiley    Smiley    Smiley    Smiley    Smiley

I get a little wood on the ball once in a while.  Smiley
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bigguy
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« Reply #121 on: November 03, 2010, 02:42:27 PM »

Well the title of this thread is "Just to make you feel better." So here
is some advice on how to make yourself feel bette
r.
John Cleese vs Extremismpowered by Aeva
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #122 on: November 03, 2010, 07:25:10 PM »

Guidance from the wife



A man is watching a game of golf on TV.


However, he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
 

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he says to his wife.

 

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"

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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #123 on: November 03, 2010, 09:33:49 PM »

Just to make you feel better. . .


Pause and reflect


Which are the real Seven Wonders of the World?
 

A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall



While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. She asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."


The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to touch

2. to taste

3. to see

4. to hear

She hesitated a little, and then added

5. to feel

6. to laugh!

7. and to love


The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous.

A gentle reminder that the most precious things are before you: your family, your faith, your love, your good health and your friends.

~ Author Unknown ~

 

« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 09:36:43 PM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
Westernbiker
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Posts: 1464


1st Place Street Kings National Cruiser Class

Phoenix


« Reply #124 on: November 04, 2010, 09:50:01 AM »

Just to make you feel better. . .


Pause and reflect


Which are the real Seven Wonders of the World?
 

A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall



While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. She asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."


The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to touch

2. to taste

3. to see

4. to hear

She hesitated a little, and then added

5. to feel

6. to laugh!

7. and to love


The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous.

A gentle reminder that the most precious things are before you: your family, your faith, your love, your good health and your friends.

~ Author Unknown ~

 



Thanks FUZZY!!!!!!! Kind of makes you think a bit doesn't it?
Good post FUZZY!!!!!!!!!!!!
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #125 on: November 05, 2010, 12:27:54 PM »

Good place to practice Tatooing without any complaints about sloppy work










`















« Last Edit: November 05, 2010, 12:30:27 PM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #126 on: November 05, 2010, 12:56:41 PM »




Duct tape and Ducks


A young boy is walking out the door with some duct tape when his father sees


him and asks him what he is going to do with that duct tape , he says "dad im


going to catch some ducts" and dad tells him you cant catch ducks with duct


tape. an hour later he comes in the door with some ducks under his arm.



The next day he is walking out the door with some chicken wire and the dad


asks the boy what he is going to do wht the chicken wire and he says he is


going to catch some chickens . and the dad tell his son that he cant catch


chickens whith chicken wire. an hour goes by and the son walks in with a


couple chickens under his arm.



The next day his son is about to walk out the door with a branch from a


pussywillow tree. the dad jumps up from his chair and says " hold up son

*

*




im going with you
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #127 on: November 05, 2010, 07:26:13 PM »




The Cabby



A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.


The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.


For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.



The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.


HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'


Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

*

*


The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches cold.
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #128 on: November 06, 2010, 06:09:51 AM »




Winter blonde

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.


When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.


At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.


The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.


When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

*




"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter here in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #129 on: November 06, 2010, 11:21:09 AM »


Unit conversions



Here is the official unit conversion chart for engineers...

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi


2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton


3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope


4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond


5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram


6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong


7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling


8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon


9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz


10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower


11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line


12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake


13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone


14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles


15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle


16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds


17. 52 cards = 1 decacards


18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton


19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen


20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche


21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin


22. 10 rations = 1 decoration


23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration


24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram


25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms


26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League







`
« Last Edit: November 06, 2010, 11:26:52 AM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #130 on: November 06, 2010, 12:16:46 PM »

Loose sand ?   No Problem.












`
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #131 on: November 06, 2010, 09:03:29 PM »

The Mini-Skirt



In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.



Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.



So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.



Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.



About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends.'

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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #132 on: November 07, 2010, 08:13:06 AM »


Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 160 years ago?


1. California became a state.


2. The state had no electricity.


3. The state had no money.


4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.


5. There were gunfights in the streets.
*

*



So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2010, 08:05:35 PM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #133 on: November 07, 2010, 09:06:51 AM »

Cajun and the Lawyer



A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight.


The lawyer is thinking that Louisiana Cajuns
are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.


So the the lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game.
The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap,
so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer insists that the game is a lot of fun.



"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.



This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.



"What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.



Now, it's the Cajun's turn.
He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?"


The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.
He uses the airphone; he searches the net, and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.


After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500.

The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.


He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"



The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Louisiana Cajuns . . . .
They only talk dumb . . . .












`
« Last Edit: November 07, 2010, 08:02:28 PM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #134 on: November 07, 2010, 06:50:55 PM »






Wife ain't behavin



"Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce," the big Texan boomed to his attorney.



 "That wife of mine ain't behavin' right.  She's MY woman and she's supposed to do what I say."



"Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property, you know," the lawyer said.  "You don't own her the way you own an oil well."



"Maybe not," R.J. conceded, "but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights."   
 
 
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #135 on: November 07, 2010, 07:26:21 PM »

Blind man



Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits.
 

After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.



"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.



The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
*

*

*



"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"











`
« Last Edit: November 07, 2010, 08:01:22 PM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #136 on: November 07, 2010, 07:58:25 PM »

To better understand this joke . . . In the UK an Antenna is often referred to as an " aerial "




Passionate Love



A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back ...all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"


The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the young ladyl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.


About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex in a vehicle?"


The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims,
*

*

*


"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring..... You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."











`
« Last Edit: November 07, 2010, 08:00:14 PM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #137 on: November 07, 2010, 08:15:12 PM »

Don't swallow your chewing gum

























`
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #138 on: November 08, 2010, 08:35:03 AM »




Girls Night Out-




The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.



I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
 

Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easily.



Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.



Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.



Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.



I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.



(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 Cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... He didn't seem mad in the least.



Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo Clock.

"

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "Oh crap", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and belched !!!
__________________

PS
Only a biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #139 on: November 08, 2010, 09:03:57 AM »

Indianapolis



A young Native American woman went to a doctor for the first physical exam of her life.] 

 

After checking all her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you're in fine health.  I could find no   problems with your health,         

 

but  I did notice one abnormality."   


Oh, what is that, Doctor?" 


 Well, you have no nipples."   None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.   "That's amazing!" said the doctor.   

 

"I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind" 


 She said, "I guess, if you'd like to do that, it's fine with me." 
 

 First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" 
 

She answered, "Approximately 500." 
 

And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. 
 

Running Doe smiled and replied, "We're called...     
       
 
 *     
 
       
         
(I hate to do this to you)
 
       
 
   
*   
 
   The Indiannippleless Five Hundred. 
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #140 on: November 08, 2010, 09:23:02 AM »




Purina Diet for humans


I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola and was in line to checkout.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.....


... Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina

Diet again,. . .  although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last

 time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I had awakened in an intensive care unit with
 
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

 
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.


I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.


The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try  it again.
 
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a yuppyl guy behind her.


Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital ?


I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
 
I thought the yuppy guy was going to have to be carried out the door.











`
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #141 on: November 08, 2010, 09:49:10 AM »




Beer holder








`










`
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HayHauler
Member
*****
Posts: 7193


Pearland, TX


« Reply #142 on: November 08, 2010, 11:34:16 AM »


Unit conversions



Here is the official unit conversion chart for engineers...

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi


2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton


3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope


4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond


5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram


6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong


7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling


8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon


9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz


10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower


11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line


12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake


13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone


14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles


15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle


16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds


17. 52 cards = 1 decacards


18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton


19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen


20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche


21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin


22. 10 rations = 1 decoration


23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration


24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram


25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms


26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League







`
I believe that four nickels ( item 25 ) is one paradigms, as four nickels equals two dimes.  For the proper answer to be 2 paradigm you would need four dimes or eight nickels.  But then again phonetic multiplication wasn’t taught in school when I was paying attention.

 2funny
Hay  Cool
Jimmyt
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HayHauler
Member
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Posts: 7193


Pearland, TX


« Reply #143 on: November 08, 2010, 11:56:02 AM »

I never metaphor I didn't like.

And if you don't like my attitude, wait til you see my longitude.   2funny

Hay  Cool
Jimmyt
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bigguy
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Posts: 2684


VRCC# 30728

Texarkana, TX


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« Reply #144 on: November 08, 2010, 02:20:23 PM »

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
Wouldn't that be 4 megacycles?  crazy2
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bigguy
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Posts: 2684


VRCC# 30728

Texarkana, TX


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« Reply #145 on: November 08, 2010, 02:22:22 PM »

For anybody I may have offended.
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #146 on: November 08, 2010, 04:45:29 PM »





Blondes In An All Girl Biker Bar



I'll probably get beat up... but here goes:


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.


He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter: 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent
.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a Professional wrestler.


'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
*


*


*


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'                     Shocked

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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #147 on: November 08, 2010, 08:11:23 PM »

How long?


A middle aged man goes to his doctor for his physical. After all the tests and probes he asks "Doc, now that I'm getting older I'm trying to take better care of myself. How much longer do you think I could live?"


Doctor says "Well that depends. Do you eat rich foods? Red meat, Heavy sauces and creams and the like?"
"Nope." says the man.


"Stay out late at wild parties, drinking alcohol and smoking cigars?"
"No, not for years."


"Chase women and have wild, passionate sex with'em?"
"Absolutely not!" said the man.

*

*


*



"Then why do you care?"
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fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #148 on: November 08, 2010, 09:04:58 PM »

Cowboy in a gay bar



A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
 

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the


gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your


willy?"



The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a

drink."



The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me


the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the

slogan 'Just


Do It.'



That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It

really Satisfies.' "



The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give


him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to

his left who


is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"



The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy
 

asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a

lyken' and keeps on tickin!' "



A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who


happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys

call yours?"


The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because


"'Quality.


is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"



The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'


"And gives a wink!



Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes


up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and


exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer. "The


bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look

asks,


"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,





BUT





MADE FOR A WOMAN !!!!!!".










`





Cowboy in a gay bar



>A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
 

>"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the


>gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your


>willy?"



>The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a

>drink."

>

>The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me


>the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the

>slogan 'Just


>Do It.'



>That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It

>really Satisfies.' "



>The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give


>him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to

>his left who


>is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"



>The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy
 

>asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a

>lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "



>A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who


>happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys

>call yours?"


>The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because


>"'Quality


>is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"



>The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'


>"And gives a wink!



>Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes


>up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and


>exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer. "The


>bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look

>asks,


>"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,





>BUT

>MADE FOR A WOMAN !!!!!!"





Cowboy in a gay bar



>A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
 

>"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the


>gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your


>willy?"



>The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a

>drink."

>

>The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me


>the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the

>slogan 'Just


>Do It.'



>That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It

>really Satisfies.' "



>The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give


>him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to

>his left who


>is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"



>The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy
 

>asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a

>lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "



>A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who


>happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys

>call yours?"


>The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because


>"'Quality


>is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"



>The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'


>"And gives a wink!



>Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes


>up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and


>exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer. "The


>bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look

>asks,


>"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,





>BUT

>MADE FOR A WOMAN !!!!!!"








« Last Edit: November 08, 2010, 09:39:01 PM by fuzzy2bucks » Logged
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #149 on: November 08, 2010, 10:09:14 PM »

Bounced and jiggled



There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge
that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted
the congregation considerably.


The very proper church ladies were appalled. They
said something  had to be done about this or they would have to get another
organist.


One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to  mash up some
green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because  they are so
sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in  size. She
agreed to try it.


The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and  said:



 "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a  thermon tewday."
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Westernbiker
Member
*****
Posts: 1464


1st Place Street Kings National Cruiser Class

Phoenix


« Reply #150 on: November 09, 2010, 08:19:26 AM »

This ole cowboy rides into town one day and right up to the saloon. There is a young feller watchin every move the ole cowpoke makes. He gets off his horse and starts beating the dust out of his clothes with his hand and his hat. The young feller looks on. The cowboy walks around to the back of his horse, grabs the tail flips it up and sticks a finger in the horses bum and then rubs it on his lips, and heads for the saloon. The young feller has to ask. "Sir I have been watchen you since you come into town and was just wondering what ya just did behind that horse. Is that to prevent chapped lips?" The ole cowpoke looks him square in the eye and says. "No, but it sure does keep ya from lickin em"
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May the Lord always ride two up with you!
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #151 on: November 09, 2010, 08:44:35 AM »




PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
 

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.



2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .



3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.





4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,

because it was a weapon of maths disruption.



5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



6.
A dog which gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.



One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14..
A sign on the lawn at a Drug Rehabilitation Centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17.
A backward poet writes inverse.




18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.



19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .



21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..'




22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'





23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.




24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'

The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'




25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


 
 
 
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Gunslinger
Member
*****
Posts: 404


Brian Huntzinger, EMT-P

Wamego, KS


« Reply #152 on: November 09, 2010, 11:54:34 AM »

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.  Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.  After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

 
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
 
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
 
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.  That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.  Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
 
He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”
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VRCC#   26468
VRCCDS# 0228

"Some learn by listening, Others learn by watching...
The rest of us have to pee on the electric fence ourselves"
Westernbiker
Member
*****
Posts: 1464


1st Place Street Kings National Cruiser Class

Phoenix


« Reply #153 on: November 09, 2010, 12:43:02 PM »

Oh Brian that was TERRIBLE!!!!!! I LOVED IT!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!
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May the Lord always ride two up with you!
Sludge
Member
*****
Posts: 793


Toilet Attendant

Roaring River, NC


« Reply #154 on: November 09, 2010, 01:27:55 PM »

LOL  keep em coming guys!  Best thread in months  Grin
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"We have two companies of Marines running rampant all over the northern half of this island, and three Army regiments pinned down in the southwestern corner, doing nothing. What the hell is going on?"
Gen. John W. Vessey, USA, Chairman of the the Joint Chiefs of Staff during the assault on Granada
Westernbiker
Member
*****
Posts: 1464


1st Place Street Kings National Cruiser Class

Phoenix


« Reply #155 on: November 09, 2010, 01:42:56 PM »

An old man is in the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I am 81 years old and I've been sleeping with a 19 year old woman." The priest says, "Say 20 Hail Mary's." The old man tells the priest, "I'm not Catholic." "You're not," replies the priest. "Then why are you telling me," The old man says, "I'm telling everybody,"
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May the Lord always ride two up with you!
Westernbiker
Member
*****
Posts: 1464


1st Place Street Kings National Cruiser Class

Phoenix


« Reply #156 on: November 09, 2010, 01:47:09 PM »

A guy goes into the emergency room and says, "I just cut off all of my fingers." The receptionist asks, "Did you bring them with you?" The guy says, "No." The receptionist gets nasty and says, "You idiot! We could have sewed them back on. Why didn't you bring them?" The guy says," Cuz I couldn't pick them up!"  uglystupid2
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May the Lord always ride two up with you!
fuzzy2bucks
Guest
« Reply #157 on: November 09, 2010, 02:07:50 PM »

 2funny                2funny                 2funny

2 more good ones!

Sludge . . .   send some jokes are way, help us keep this thread goin.
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Jess from VA
Member
*****
Posts: 30482


No VA


« Reply #158 on: November 09, 2010, 04:15:36 PM »

> One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
>
> He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
> "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
> OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
>
> In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
>
> "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
>
> The devil led him to the door of the next room.
>
> In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
>
> "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
>
> The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
>
> OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
>
> The devil smiled and said .. . . . .
>
>
>
>
>
> (This is priceless...)
>
>
>
>
> "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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GreenLantern57
Member
*****
Posts: 1543


Hail to the king baby!

Rock Hill, SC


« Reply #159 on: November 09, 2010, 06:26:48 PM »

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of the Texas/Oklahoma state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Oklahoma City to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from East Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

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