FUNERAL EXPENSE (HUMOR)

[Westernbiker]

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of  Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.
 
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."
 
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?".

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk".

[Roy]

Found a Humor thread to latch on to, hope Western Biker doesn't mind?

Some of these historic sayings or practices are a bit humorous:



Where did Piss Poor come from?

 Interesting History


 They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
 used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
 Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive
 you were "Piss Poor"

 But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
 even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to
 piss in" & were the lowest of the low

 The next time you are washing your hands and complain
 because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
 think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
 the 1500s:

 Most people got married in June because they took their
 yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
 June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... .
 Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
 Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
 Married.

 Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
 of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
 all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
 children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
 dirty you could actually lose someone in it... Hence the
 saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

 Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
 wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
 warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
 lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
 sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
 Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

 There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
 house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
 and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence,
 a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
 afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
 existence.

 The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
 than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
 slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
 so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
 footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
 when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
 outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
 Hence: a thresh hold.

 (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

 In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
 kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit
 the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
 vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
 stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
 overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
 had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
 the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
 porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
 obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
 visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
 off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
 the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
 and would all sit around and chew the fat.

 Those with money had plates made of pewter.. Food with high
 acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
 causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
 tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
 considered poisonous.
 Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
 bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
 got the top, or the upper crust.

 Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
 would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
 Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
 prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
 table for a couple of days and the family would gather
 around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
 up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

 England is old and small and the local folks started running
 out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
 and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
 grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
 were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
 realized they had been burying people alive... So they would
 tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
 coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
 Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
 (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone
 could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

 

[Roy]

Two Aspirins



A guy is out with his buddies. He has a
few drinks, gets in the mood but true to
his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound
asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them into
her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and
asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin".

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!


~




~






~

He says  "That's what I wanted to hear"

[Roy]

Stop or Just slow down ?  .  .  .  (No Offense to any resident Attorneys here.)




A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License
                   and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

     At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says:

     "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"















`

[Roy]

No  Underwear ~



The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You din na give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[Roy]

PG-13

Snake bites Models topside and dies of Silicone poisoning?


http://youtu.be/tUvJYtME8es

[Jess from VA]

Snake bites Models topside

Who can blame him? 

[Roy]

Bullseye aim too.

[Roy]

In the Pumpkin Patch ~



In summary, the police arrested Leroy Z. Stokes, a 22-year-old  male, resident of Dacula , GA , in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. 

 

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.

 

At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.
 

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process , Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

 

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."   

 

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

 

I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
 
"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

 

~

 

 

 
A Pumpkin ?   Damn, it's Midnight already ?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ?'

[musclehead]

Found a Humor thread to latch on to, hope Western Biker doesn't mind?

Some of these historic sayings or practices are a bit humorous:



Where did Piss Poor come from?

 Interesting History


 They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
 used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
 Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive
 you were "Piss Poor"

 But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
 even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to
 piss in" & were the lowest of the low

 The next time you are washing your hands and complain
 because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
 think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
 the 1500s:

 Most people got married in June because they took their
 yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
 June.. However, since they were starting to smell . ..... .
 Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
 Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
 Married.

 Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
 of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
 all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
 children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
 dirty you could actually lose someone in it... Hence the
 saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

 Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
 wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
 warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
 lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
 sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
 Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

 There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
 house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
 and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence,
 a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
 afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
 existence.

 The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
 than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
 slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
 so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
 footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
 when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
 outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
 Hence: a thresh hold.

 (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

 In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
 kettle that always hung over the fire.. Every day they lit
 the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
 vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
 stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
 overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
 had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
 the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
 porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
 obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
 visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
 off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
 the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
 and would all sit around and chew the fat.

 Those with money had plates made of pewter.. Food with high
 acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
 causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
 tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
 considered poisonous.
 Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
 bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
 got the top, or the upper crust.

 Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
 would Sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
 Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
 prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
 table for a couple of days and the family would gather
 around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
 up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

 England is old and small and the local folks started running
 out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
 and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
 grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
 were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
 realized they had been burying people alive... So they would
 tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
 coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
 Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
 (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone
 could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

 

"used to  use urine to tan hides"  brother? they still do. open a glove that was tanned and made overseas and you will smell it

[Roy]

Always wondered what that strong smell was from a cheap pair of leather work gloves.