How to simulate being a Sailor (Navy that is)

[Jabba]

This is for my fellow squids out there.  I know there are a few.  This is actually PERFECT for those of you that are not.

How To Simulate Being A Sailor
*************************************

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the
bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.

Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they
use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after
you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack".

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up".

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6
a.m. While she reads it to you.

Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission
to leave your house before 3 pm.

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their
battle stations.

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.
When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until
they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.

Set your alarm clock to go off a random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button
your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out
into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in
front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready". After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best
done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking
chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become
nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and run it all day long.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and
drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

Take a two week vacation visiting the red light districts of Europe
or the Far East, and call it "world travel".

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them
that the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they
can leave the house.


Jabba

[Phil57]

Jabba that is right on the mark. 15 weeks on USS Fairfax county LST 1193 but I was in the luxury part of the ship so I'm sure as a jarhead we had the best.

[solo1]

Jabba, I wasn't in the Navy but It sounds normal for the armed forces.

I did however, board a troopship both ways to and from Korea.  I took a top bunk close to the overhead because I wouldn't get sprayed with puke.  Here's a few rules that I found apply on board a troopship.

.When you are packed like sardines on deck, don't call the ship a boat, especially if the sailors are washing down the deck with a 2 inch firehose.

In heavy seas topside, DO NOT stand downwind from a group of GI's lined up at the rail in a rough sea.

Do not 'volunteer' to clean the head in the bow of the ship when the GI craps are going around.

[old2soon]

You forgot turn water hose on mattress before going to the rack. I slept over the evaps on the U S S Yorktown and my bed never dried out-even after not using it for 3 or 4 days. I learned how to sleep on the wing of my airplane. After the pilots were done with the ready room i could sleep there once in awhile. Ready room was air conditioned and enlisted quarters were not. Recombined milk is NOT milk!! Try finishing your shower with salt water. The ship priorty for fresh water was-1st the boliers. 2nd food prep. 3d sickbay. 4th the officers. 5th Rates E7 E8 E9. 6th E5 E6. 7th everyone else. I was in the latter most group. Enjoyed scrambled eggs from powder that were 60% water-pure grease for bacon and/or sausage and toast you could drive nails with. Thank GOD we had a 24/7 hamburger line open to all rates. Lot of the squadron pilots ate there. Also had the shipboard version of Dairy Queen. Looking back now i'm glad i was young when i served. But on the flip side i was young and enjoyed most everything i did in the U S Navy. Would i do it again if i had to?? ONLY if they hold a gun to my head. It was an experience that i reflect on as a fond memory. But i was at sea and not being shot at most days unless  i went flying. And i tried to fly as much as i could. Thanks fer the memory jog Jabba. Makes civilian life seem like a piece of cake with ice cream and chocolate syrup on top. RIDE SAFE.

[donaldcc]

  I was on the USNS Arnold.  Pearl Harbor up to Adak, Alaska in the Aleutian Islands then out in the Bering Sea off the coast of Russia for a few months.  Fun (if you like lousy weather, boredom, and crummy movies).  

   Adak lies in the subpolar oceanic climate zone, characterized by persistently overcast skies, moderated temperatures, high winds, and frequent cyclonic storms. Winter squalls produce wind gusts in excess of 100 knots (120 mph; 190 km/h).

[PAVALKER]

  I was on the USNS Arnold.  Pearl Harbor up to Adak, Alaska in the Aleutian Islands then out in the Bering Sea off the coast of Russia for a few months.  Fun (if you like lousy weather, boredom, and crummy movies).  

   Adak lies in the subpolar oceanic climate zone, characterized by persistently overcast skies, moderated temperatures, high winds, and frequent cyclonic storms. Winter squalls produce wind gusts in excess of 100 knots (120 mph; 190 km/h).

What.... you mean with all those antennae you couldn't manage to pull in some satellite TV, or hell... even stateside broadcast TV?        Oh..Oh.... never-mind......

My first 2 ships were Gator Freighters and I made it a point to bring a can of "green slime" to help facilitate sea sickness amongst the others, sorta like an Indoctrination.  My DIVO fell for it every time, first black man I ever saw turn white then grey.  I didn't really need it to promote that with the Marines, they were too busy making each-other sick.

The OP forgot the loud whistle and yelling into the karaoke machine or bull horn at 0600 while turning on all the lights, and even when making other general announcements.  I don't mind the announcements.... but there were a few Bosun's pipes that ended up missing I think.

[Odin1]

3 med cruises on the Nimitz, in a VAW squadron, so really nothing to do for general quarters, unlike ships crew, berthing definitley had A.C., they kept it about 50, personaly i liked the food.

[Jess from VA]

Love these stories.

Glad I went in the Air Force.  Slept in my own bed (or a hotel or billeting) every day for nine years.   

Wait, I did sleep a couple nights on the floors of C-130s and C-141s. 

Most of our bases had pools, golf courses and horse stables (I only used the pools).


Had a good friend neighbor who served 20 in blue/gold teams on boomers. 

A quartermaster who manned the helm.  Told me his worst extra duty was watching guys take showers...... to make sure they didn't waste water, and to make sure there was no hiding the salami among shipmates.   

[czuch]

I had the additional pleasure of running till I got good at it and being awake for days on end. Then when you did get some shuteye some glorious clown woke you up with a trash can flying down the squad bay while his partner in instructional crime lit M-60 blanks all up and down the room.
Run some more, prove you wont drown, against all odds, swim under water for impossible distances and become a better man than you ever thought you would. After I got out of the hospital, I went to Photographers school, and then to Albuquerque for Naval Weapons Evaluation Facility. ABQ,NAVY??
Got to go overseas, also Gator Freighter, got kidnapped by friebnds and we went and blew some stuff up, drank alot and did a HALO. I regret every day not staying for 24 or more.

[sheets]

Have a couple cases of Spam and Underwood's deviled ham on hand as a contingency plan if they get tired of eating the hotdogs. 
Wait till they are in the shower; lathered up -- with no water . . . then bang on skillet to simulate " bong-bong-bong-bong-bong--GQ--GQ--GQ . . . all hands man your battle stations . . . . "
Make a sour-sickly half-dead bird sound through whistle before you make an announcement.

been there -- done that . . . .   

[Flask]

Jabba - Your descriptions had me back on the old grey tin can 

U.S.S. Richmond K Turner DLG/CG-20 - 73 to 77 - Machinist Mate - (Snipe)

2 Mediterranean / 1 North Atlantic Cruises - (Blue Nose)

Good memories - I need to look up some old friends !!!!!

[donaldcc]

What.... you mean with all those antennae you couldn't manage to pull in some satellite TV, or hell... even stateside broadcast TV?        Oh..Oh.... never-mind......


[/quote]

it was a "spy" ship with orders from the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  One in Pacific, one in Atlantic.  I was always wondering "what the hell am i doing here?"  

Russian trawlers would follow us around picking up garbage tossed overboard looking for "secret" documents.

[PAVALKER]

What.... you mean with all those antennae you couldn't manage to pull in some satellite TV, or hell... even stateside broadcast TV?        Oh..Oh.... never-mind......

it was a "spy" ship with orders from the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  One in Pacific, one in Atlantic.  I was always wondering "what the hell am i doing here?"  

Russian trawlers would follow us around picking up garbage tossed overboard looking for "secret" documents.


[/quote]

Donald,

I figured that.... obvious from the "ears" on the ship. 
I was in communications throughout my career.

[Jess from VA]

I was always wondering "what the hell am i doing here?"   Russian trawlers would follow us around ...

Yeah, a big target.  Those trawlers not only monitored all electronic emissions (and maybe could read some with John Walker's help), but could have vectored in a Russian Bear or Backfire or a sub. 

[donaldcc]

I was always wondering "what the hell am i doing here?"   Russian trawlers would follow us around ...

Yeah, a big target.  Those trawlers not only monitored all electronic emissions (and maybe could read some with John Walker's help), but could have vectored in a Russian Bear or Backfire or a sub.  

  many years ago for me but when we arrived on site about 25 miles off the Russian coast (international waters) a Russian destroyer followed us around for a few days and Russian planes came over very low taking pics, etc.  

  I was assigned there after pissing off my CO.  After the mission i only had a few months left in Navy so figured i didn't have to take any crap from anyone (not that i ever did), if you have been to Siberia there aren't many places worse to go.

MODIFY: Except any place where our young soldiers are serving now or in the past

[old2soon]

I was always wondering "what the hell am i doing here?"   Russian trawlers would follow us around ...

Yeah, a big target.  Those trawlers not only monitored all electronic emissions (and maybe could read some with John Walker's help), but could have vectored in a Russian Bear or Backfire or a sub. 

  We had the russian trawlers stay just at the horizon. Had a russian bear bomber overfly the U S S Yorktown. ALL and i mean ALL 4 Marine Corps A-4s were not flyable. We sent up a S H 3 A which to those that don't know is a helicopter. That gave me a real warm fuzzy. The bear could have just nudged the helo and it would have been gone and then done the carrier and most of our escorts and been back in enough time for vodka. :cooldude:I guess i wasn't smart enough to be scared. RIDE SAFE.

[Jabba]

I was on Submarines.  I ran the Nuke plants. 

USS Omaha (SSN 692) out of Pearl Harbor.

I liked my time in the Navy... in retrospect.  At the time, I could not WAIT to get the hell out.  I struggled with the bureaucracy.  I also told people what I thought.  Some supervisors appreciated my candor... other did not. 

I was a nuclear qualified Machinist Mate 2nd class. (You ALL know me and know for a fact I am 2nd class)  MM2.  I joined in '89 and left in '94.

I didn't see the ocean until the 3rd year of my enlistment.  I was stationed in Orlando for school, and Ballston Spa New York for prototype training.

I did everything I could to get on a ballistic missile sub.  I went to a fast attack instead.  The Omaha was away from home port 300 days a year and we worked 90-100 hour weeks when we were in port.  It was TOUGH duty.  I broke my back, and spent the last 17 months of my time on limited duty on Naval Station Pearl Harbor.  I supervised grounds maintenance on Ford Island. 

When it was time to get out... I left SKID marks.

Jabba   

[BigBod]

Sounds like there is not much different between the USN and the Royal Navy.

This was my last ship that I joined in 1985. HMS Gloucester, Type 42 Destroyer. I was on her for 3 years. Great times.