Humor; Colonoscopy Journal

[gordonv]

I received this from a fellow rider. Thought it was funny enough to post here. Enjoy! I did think about adding it to the post on getting a check up, but thought I would not add to it.



ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave
Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami
Herald.

 

Colonoscopy Journal:  

 

I called my friend Andy
Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.

 

A few days later, in his
office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all
over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis.

 

Then Andy explained the
colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

 

I nodded thoughtfully,
but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office
with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we
must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America 's enemies.

 

I spent the next several
days productively sitting around being
nervous.

 

Then, on the day before
my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat
any solid food that day; all I had was chicken
broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor.

 

Then, in the evening, I
took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you
fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is
about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser,
with just a hint of lemon.

 

The instructions for
MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink
it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.'

 

This is kind of like
saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the
ground.

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I
don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as
the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently  You eliminate everything. And
then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at
which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
travel into the future and start eliminating
food that you have not even eaten
yet.

 

After an action-packed
evening, I finally got to sleep.

 

The next morning my wife
drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend
for something like that? Flowers would not be
enough.

 

At the clinic I had to
sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of
other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
little curtained space and took off my clothes
and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when
you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.

 

Then a nurse named Eddie
put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie
also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.

 

 

At first I was ticked
off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you
were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
You would have no choice but to burn your
house.

 

When everything was
ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere I was seriously nervous at this
point.

 

Andy had me roll over on my
left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my
hand.

 

There was music playing
in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
that, of all the songs that could be playing
during this particular procedure, 'Dancing
Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.

 

'You want me to turn it
up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me...

 

'Ha ha,' I said. And
then it was time, the moment I had been dreading
for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was
like.

 

I have no idea. Really.
I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in
the other room, waking up in a very mellow
mood.

 

Andy was looking down at me
and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I
felt even more excellent when Andy told me that
It was all over, and that my colon had passed
with flying colors. I have never been prouder of
an internal organ.

 

 

On the subject of
Colonoscopies...

 

Colonoscopies are no
joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous. A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

 

1. Take it easy Doc.
You’re boldly going where no man has gone
before.

&nb
sp;

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart
yet?'

 

3. 'Can you hear me
NOW?'

 

4. 'Are we there yet?
Are we there yet? Are we there
yet?'

 

5 'You know, in
Arkansas, we're now legally
married.'

 

6. 'Any sign of the
trapped miners, Chief?'

 

7. 'You put your left
hand in, you take your left hand
out...'

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how
a Muppet feels!'

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't
fit, you must quit!'

 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me
know if you find my dignity.'

 

11. 'You used to be an
executive at Enron, didn't you?'

 

12. 'God, now I know why
I am not gay'

 

And the best one of
all:  

 

13.  'Could you
write a note for my wife saying that my head is
not up
there?'

[Hook#3287]

That was great

The thing I miss the most of the daily newspaper is reading Dave Barry.

The guy is a comedic genius.

[Oss]

remember when that 1st came out while he was in the local paper
and miss his column

He is a local boy from Pleasantville NY

check out his books if you want some funny reading

Big Trouble was I think the 1st   Great fun to read on a rainy day when you dont want to ride the Valkyrie

[gordonv]

From the same source, friend.


The other day, someone at a store here in town read that a Meth Lab had been found in an old farm house out by the lake and he asked me a rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”
 
I replied I had a drug problem when I was young:  I was drug to church on Sunday morning; I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.  I was drug to family reunions and community socials, no matter the weather.
 
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.  I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or preacher, or didn’t put forth my best effort in everything asked of me.
 
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.  I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and cockleburs out in dad’s fields.  I was drug to homes of family and friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard or repair the clothesline or chop some firewood, AND if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime for a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
 
Those drugs are still in my veins and affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think.  They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin; and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place…

Bless the parents who drugged us… 

[Willow]

Dragged.  It really doesn't match, does it?   

[gordonv]

After a recent prostate exam, which was
the most thorough exam  I've ever had,
the doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a
question I didn't need to hear.



She said ..."Who Was That Guy?"

[gordonv]

Next Humor.



Having blown himself up, an 18-year-old suicide bomber appeared before Allah.

He said Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school,

I have never been with a woman.  So, instead of 72 virgins,

who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?

Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied,

Actually the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes

like you murdered them before they could experience the

pleasure of sex.  So you're here to service them.  Since they're

virgins they're quite sexually ravenous and frankly you'll

be on constant exhausting duty.

The bomber responded Well, I guess I can live with that.

How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?

And Allah replied Who said they were women??

[gordonv]

Tea is an Evil Substance!
Tea is more dangerous than beer.
Please avoid drinking Tea!

I discovered this last night.

I had 14 beers till 3 am at the pub, while my wife was drinking Tea at home.
You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed, as she shouted at me, the rest of the night and even into the morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your Tea, don't drink it...

[gordonv]

Darts and the Bath

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
 

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
 

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
 

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
 

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
 

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
 

So, the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
 

"Do you shave?"
 

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
 

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
 

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
 

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
 

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
 

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[scooperhsd]

Just in time  - My wife is getting her first Colonoscopy Wednesday - right after Election Day.

Due to family genetics, I started at age 30. Fortunately, that gene seems to have skipped me and my siblings. But - it has hit hard in one of Dad's sister's kids and now their kids.

[da prez]

If you feel the Doctors hands on your shoulder during the procedure , 

                                    da prez