Valkyrie Riders Cruiser Club

Bring them on:

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me.  

I had no idea I was Japanese.

Rams

Why was Jesus born in a stable?  Mary and Joseph had Obama Care.

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A man married his HS sweetheart right out of school. Without telling his bride he saved $20 from every paycheck and stashed the dough under the mattress.

He revealed this to his wife on his death bed and made her promise to put the money in his casket so he could take it with him.

After he died she retrieved thousands and deposited it in the bank. She then wrote out a check for the exact amount and placed it with his body in the casket at the church.

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My neighbors have been complaining about all the moaning and groaning going on in the morning when im having sex…..if they only knew .……all i was doing was trying to put my socks on.

Every now and then you should get up and see what the dog is barking about.

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A favorite of mine.


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Yeah, I'm a little warped.

If I had a twin ...


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My wife and I attended a sex symposium recently.
During the professors lecture on female orgasms. He asked the ladies if they knew what their a**ho*e is doing when they are having an orgasm?
One woman raised her hand and said, "he's usually out hunting or fishing"

Three stages of a man's sex life
1. Tri weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly

Guess I am too...I like it.  :crazy2:  ;D

I don't know what kind of sex makes a man want to have a joint account but I haven't had it yet!!

Yep

A guy calls his wife and says “honey, I’ve had an accident.   But the Emergency Room Doc says I’m gonna survive.   I fell off a scaffold and landed on the concrete on my back.  Amanda had to take me to the ER.   Ive got 2 herneated disc’s, a broken right arm, a broken left leg, a lacerated scalp, and 2 broken fingers.”

The wife replied” Who to hell is Amanda?”

When did this happen to you Digger? I am sure this is not a joke. About 95% of the time that is the exact response men will get from their wife, GF, etc.

ha...aint that the truth!

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This is one of my favorite jokes, but I can never tell it in person.

---------------

A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

The owner shows him a Mare.

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

  If evolution doesn't exist, how is it that buffaloes now have wings and chickens have fingers?

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog vender and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor hands the monk the hotdog.

The monk hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in his pocket.

The monk says, “Hey, where’s my change?”

The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”

The monk pulls open his robe and a pistol emerges from his chest.

The vendor exclaims, “Hey man what is this?”

The monk says, “It’s my inner piece.”

The vendor gives him his change.

For you truck guys.

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Don't blame lazy people.



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Then again ...


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By replacing candy bars and potato chips
With grapefruit you can lose up to 90%
Of what pleasure you have left in life.

Wife: “I dreamed last night I was in China”
Husband: “I dreamed I was in bed with 3 different women”
Wife: “Was I one of them?”
Husband: “No…you were in China”

For those with a little class...


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Am I the only one?

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A very sick guy goes to the doctor.    The doctor runs a bunch of tests and has a conference with the patient.   The doctor says “I have some bad news.  You are really in bad shape.    You have Aids, yellow fever, leprosy, herpes, cancer, and you test positive for Covid. “.    The guy asks the doctor “what are we gonna do doc?”    The doc says “well…the first thing we are going to do is put you in isolation, then we are going to put you on a strict diet of ‘Pancakes’ and ‘Flounder’’.    The guy asks the doc “ Will that cure me Doc?”    The doctor says “ No….that is all we can slide under the door.”

 An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which probably allows you about another 6 weeks to live."

 "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

 After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

 Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

 "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

Had to chuckle at a son-in-law a while back. Seems my grandson told him "dad, here's a neat picture someone took of a frickin elephant." To which his dad responded "David, we don't use that kind of language in this house." David..."OK, but here's the picture anyway." And sure enough, there it was...an African elephant. Guess it depends on if you put the em-PHA-sis on the wrong syl-LA-ble. ;)

How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ' ' NO! ' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was ' NO! '
If I gave sweets to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered ' NO! '
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."
It's a curious race, the Irish.

Mooskee, when I still lived in Florida we lived on a golf course and played regularly with a couple neighbors...one was a transplanted Irishman. The "F" term used in your story reminded me of how he would express himself after making a poor golf shot...and it sure didn't stop with that one word. By the time we hit about hole #3 or 4, he would have me rolling on the green. Great guy, lovely little wife, but oh my...his vocabulary when he got pissed and all with that thick Irish brogue!  ;D

My lady and I are in our sixties. We were in the basement cleaning, getting a bit hot and sweaty.

I said 'Babe, ya wanna go upstairs and make love?'

She said 'Honey, I cant do both!'

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 :cooldude:   ;D

I AM A SEENAGER (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
 • I don’t have to go to school or work.
 • I get an allowance every month.
 • I have my own pad.
 • I don’t have a curfew.
 • I have a driver’s license and my own car.
 • And I don’t have acne.
Life is Good!

Here's a joke for you:

Biden won far and square.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to the gas station.... .....and that's when the fight started ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream....... .......and that's when the fight started
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my S.S. application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the SS office. She said 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too! .........and that's when the fight started.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes', I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' ............and that's when the fight started...... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. (You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?) Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you??' ............and that's when the fight started......






After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?
I found the remote,' he said. ......and that's when the fight started



On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when the fight started

CORONA VIRUS

1.  6’ distance
2.  No Hugging
3.  No Kissing
4.  No Social Interaction

Kind of like being married…but with a cough

A slightly drunk woman was watching tv and started screaming “DON’T GO IN THERE!!  STAY OUT OF THE CHURCH YOU DUM WITCH!!!!”
Her husband asked “What are you watching?”
She replied “Our Wedding Video!”

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

Since they are going to defund our local police dept….and a burglar breaks into my house….do I have to call 811 before I dig a hole?

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That's kinda up to you. My buddy says "Security by Smith and Wesson. Funeral arrangements by Kubota."

If you are going to assume I’m a racist because I support Trump….
I’m going to assume you like to touch young children because you support Biden.

Yeah….I just kinda slid it in there

This being a joke thread I really shouldnt have put it in here….it being so true and all.

That's the problem with political jokes...

...too often they get elected.

Mother and son having a heart to heart talk…..

Mom: “Do you think I’m a bad mom Jimmy?”
Son:  “mom….my name is Jack”.

I intentionally mix up my kid's names, sometimes even address them as one of the dogs, just to keep 'em on their toes...

When one door closes…another one opens….

Other than that its a pretty good car.

Another version

 When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

Now the way I heard it is almost the same (but I think more accurate):  

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love are horny for someone?  That's common sense leaving your body.  

This has been a very strange day…first I found a hat full of money….then I got chased by an angry man with a guitar…..

What does it mean when “HOLY WATER” sizzles when it hits your skin?…….

Just asking for a friend.

Over at a winemakers the taster died and management wanted to replace him with a winetaster. A blind drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

Fearing potential community backlash, the head manager wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

Drunkard: It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.

Manager: "That's correct, have another glass...

Drunkard: This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.

Manager : "Correct, what about this third glass?

Drunkard: "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,''

The manager was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The blind alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

Its time for me to re-home a dog.  He is some kind of a short haired terrier.   Great dog…very affectionate… very friendly…loves kids…..however he tends to bark a lot.  If you would like to have him for a pet call me at 351 8037 and I’ll jump the fence and get him for you.

Nice.

I really don't like barking dogs. Grates on me.

This could be a Rodney Dangerfield story - though I never actually heard him recite it:

People often ask how I became a world class swimmer.  As it turns out, it's one of my earliest childhood memories.

There's a large, deep lake not far from the small town where I grew up - and at least once every summer, beginning when I was only 5 years old, my old man would row us out to the middle and I'd swim back to shore.

Even on a calm day, it was a difficult swim.  However, the real challenge was escaping from the burlap sack.

Old but grinable.

Husband: I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.
Friend: Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”

How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital."
Me: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Spousal jokes from Jess............   Who would have thought that possible.

It has long been said that the best writing comes from people who write from personal experience.

We just found out Dad is addicted to Viagra and no one is taking it harder than Mom

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?  Santa stopped at 3 Ho's.

A man and his wife lived on the edge of a golf course.   The husband played golf quite often for many many years.   Now he is in his 80s and his eyesight is starting to get bad.   He played a round one day and when he got home he told his wife “I guess Im going to have to give up golf.   When I hit the ball I cant see where it went.”   She said “why dont you take Henry next door with you tomorrow when you play.   I know Henry is 95 but he has excellent eye sight and he can see where your ball goes when you hit”.    The Husband said “That might work.   I’ll ask him.”    Next day on the 1st tee off box the husband gets his ball on the tee and is ready to hit.   He turns to Henry and says “Ok Henry…Im gonna hit.   You ready to watch where it goes?”   Henry says “Yeah…Im ready.”   The husband rears back and clobbers the ball.    He turns to Henry and says “Did you see where it went Henry?”   Henry replies “Yeah….I saw exactly where it went.”   The husband says “Well….where did it go?”    Henry replies “……...I forgot.”

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar.

...followed by Bat Man.

Well, admittedly I Googled it up.  That's a stinker!   ;)

A human skeleton (just bones) goes into a bar and tells the bartender “ hey barkeep….bring me a beer and a mop”.

 
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.
 
An old homeless Aussie bloke who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?”
 
She screamed, "NO!  Bugger off you filthy old bastard!”
 
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom.”
 
She didn't jump.

See...Counseling can work!

Old but funny...The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across
the plains for hours and went they got into town they tied their
horses up in front of the saloon. The Lone Ranger noticed that
his horse Silver was really hot and sweaty so he asked Tonto
to run around his horse to stir up some wind to cool him off.
After sitting at the bar for about 10 minutes drinking his drink
a guy came in and asked who owns the white horse out front.
The Lone Ranger said me why? The guy told him you left your
Injun running.

This is bit different. Today I was at my daughter's place for a short time and her daughter, now 14 and a beautiful girl, had just got home from school. We have a warm relationship but she won't show it unless we're alone. I had on an old cowboy hat I sometimes wear to keep my head warm...she looks at it and smiled and shook her head and asked "grandpa why do you wear that old thing, you need something warmer and looks better." My daughter knew immediately where this was going...I kept a straight face and told her "it works fine, it's made of felt." She looked at me quizzically then walked up to me and removed it, then said "no it isn't."  I deadpanned and told her "now it is." She looked at me for a second, then slapped her forehead, giggled and walked away. My daughter Toni just stood there laughing, telling her she'd just been hooked by one of gramps oldest and corniest jokes.  ;)

I know it's a joke thread, but when anyone suggests I need to get out and do more or be more useful, it's no joke.  Mind your own business and I'll do the same.  

I was busy as hell for 50 years, and my guiding light is to not be busy anymore.   ;D  (beyond an hour or three at a time, after which I may have a nap, if I feel like it.)

All my neighbors put up lights outside this year and one wondered why I didn't.  I told him all holidays come and go at my house with little notice.  But looking out at night, they did look nice, so I hung a fancy Michael's wreath with lights on it in my picture window, and plug it in at night.  The whole operation took about five minutes of being busy. 

(I probably have 5000 lights in boxes around here from my more enthusiastic days.... I should probably give them away)

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same here,  have xmas stuff past 20 years but last few years empty nesters kids in college no one visits we do not decorate for holidays anymore.  We did sit outside a tree with lights on it in front by front door but too lazy to go turn on the lights in plug in at dark since would entail me to go outside yet again at 11 p.m. or so to shut them off and too cheap to go buy those programmable timers....

Jess, that wreath still beat me by a mile. In fact, when I left my Florida home in 2019 I left an attic full of decorations Rita and I had gathered over our 30+ years together. It also included some boxes full of our annual purchase of a year specific tree bauble. Each one had the year inscribed on it, often with some message, and we bought one each year to add to the tree. It was kind of "our thing" each year but I had no use of any of it now.

PS: I'm with you on the "busy" thing, I don't punch a clock so don't feel the need to set the alarm on one.  :cooldude:

(https://twitter.com/harleysdad65/status/1474764972504797186?s=21)

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there. :D

This joke just reminded me of a teenage adventure of mine and a couple buddies one Halloween maybe 65-66 yrs. ago. I lived in a town(city?) of about 27k, small enough so you knew most of the cops and vice-versa. My best bud's dad was a Captain on the force and good for a joke and/or a prank. We three were walking down the street that evening and I was carrying at least a half dozen street signs over my shoulder when suddenly this squad car comes silently coasting up on us...my bud's dad sitting in the passenger seat. This rookie gets out and runs up to me asking about the signs I was carrying, so I told him I collected them so as to not get lost. I noticed my bud's dad start to grin but said nothing. The rookied asked me if I had any ID, to which I answered "yes" and said "hold these for me while I get it."  He held out his arms whereupon I handed him the sign posts we had collected...I could hear my bud's dad howling with laughter for at least the first 50 yds. as we disappeared into the night. I sometimes wish I could relive my HS years.  ;D

A single woman in her late 40's was becoming upset with life in general...unmarried and never being asked out on a date. A friend suggested she go see a particular oriental doctor that had a good reputation for solutions to personal problems, so she made an appointment...we'll call him Dr. Woo.

Upon arrival she was asked to describe her concern in great detail, after which the dr. said in his clipped accent "take off alla yu cloths." Although a bit shaken, she did as directed. Next, Dr. Woo said "get on yu hans & nees and crawl to other side of room." Again, she complied but a bit embarrassed. The the dr. told her to turn around and crawl back...to which she complied. Upon completing that exercise she got dressed and it was then the dr. told her the results; "madam, yu has what called edzackery disease." She was startled by this and asked what are the symptoms. Dr. Woo told her "it quite simple "...and in his Oriental clipped accent he says "yu face look edzachery like yu butt."

After my daughter signed me up for Silver Singles w/o my knowledge a few weeks ago, I find that "edzackery disease" is rather widespread. I have since cancelled, which cost her roughly $90 of nonrefundable 3 month enrollment fees. No matter your age(she's 53), there are still lessons to be learned.  ;)

Elton John got a pet rabbit as a present.

He decided it needed exercise so he bought it a little treadmill.

It's a little fit bunny.

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!

Remember that regular sex helps keep the mind sharp.    Yall have a Happy 2016!!!

Cleaned my big screen tv with anti virus wipes

I lost CNN…MSNBC….ABC….CBS…..and NBC.

K9 PSA

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Absolutely keep it up.  Let's go Viagra!

Rams I was reading through these bits of brilliance and even read a few to my wife. I also was wondering why there are very few comments.
The world needs more smiles so please keep them coming. ;D

You're gettin' lots of feedback... check the "read count" ...

Keep ‘em coming!!   ;D

Craig 

A man and woman go to the doctor and are escorted into an exam room.   Doc comes in and asks whats the problem?   The guy says “well we want you to watch us have sex”.   Doc says “why?”   The guy says “ just watch….” And they strip down and have a wild sexual encounter on the exam table.   The doc says “well….I dont see anything unusual…whats the problem?”    The guy says “well….you see doc….we are both married but not to each other…..if we go to the Holiday Inn it costs $200 for a room….if we come here its just $75 for a office visit and my insurance pays 80%.”

This little old man with long white hair dies and goes to heaven.  He's met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter.  Saint Peter says you, old man, what's your name.  The old man looks a little confused and says it's been so long I don't remember.  All I remember is that I was a carpenter and had a son that did great things.  Saint Peter is now interested and calls Jesus and says you need to get over here and talk to this old man that just arrived.  Jesus comes over and says you, old man, what's your name.  The old man says well, like I told this fellow, I don't remember.  All I can remember is that I was a carpenter and had a son that did great things.  Jesus came in close and looked the old man in the eyes and said Father?.  The little old man looked into Jesus' eyes and said Pinocchio?

-RP

 ;D :cooldude: (feedback)

A man dies and is at the pearly gates trying to get into Heaven and St Peter is looking at the books.  St Peter says books are about even.  You done anything recently that might sway the books in your favor?
The guy says well recently I was leaving work and got off the elevator in the parking garage and I heard a lady screaming and I ran over to where a biker gang was trying to get her down and rape her so I ran over and kicked over their motorcycles…kicked one in the nuts….slammed two of ems heads together….knocked one down and split his head open on the concrete….. backed up to the woman and told the rest of them “If any of you want her its going to be over my dead body”.  St Peter said “When did this happen?”    The guy says “About ten minutes ago”

Ohhhh boy…..as two other men at the party slink down in the crowd

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison. (or jail)

Actually, the first time many lawyers first meet their clients is in jail/prison.

Believe it or not, they often won't let them out to come to your office.  ;D


Though they're letting way too many out without bail these days (mostly in places you don't want to live).   

  Blond sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat. She is rowing franticly , throwing up a dust storm.

 Another blond walks to the fence and yells to her. "Just what do you think you are doing, You are making blonds look bad.

  "Screw you" ,She replies.  Second blond says " if I could swim , I would kick your butt.

                                        da prez

Not a joke (copied off the web), a true story.

At my undergraduate university, while serving as a resident advisor (RA), we got a guy who started exposing himself to girls.  Mostly in winter in the underground passageways between a quad of four dorms to a central dining commons.  In most of his exposures, he was wearing orange corduroy pants, which seemed like poor planning (although it was the hippy dippy days, so orange pants weren't as weird as you'd think).  All RAs were on the lookout for him.

A female friend of mine was also an RA in a girls dorm in this quad; was walking down there with some of her friends, when she saw Mr Orange Pants coming their way.  She told them to slow down and watch.  Sure enough, he produced his junk.  The girlfriends all screamed (exactly what he wanted), but my friend advanced on him and did a perfect football kickoff right to his nuts.  He dropped crying, and she sat on him and put him in a hammer lock face down, and told her girlfriends to stop screaming and go get the cops.  And they did.  She got and needed no assistance.

I wasn't there, but this was one of the funniest stories I heard in 1973.

Adapt, improvise, overcome.    :)

My kind of woman.   :cooldude:

I owned bell bottom pants, but none of them were orange.  ;D

The idea of charging her with an unlawful assault, never occurred to anyone.  She was commended (as she should have been).

More like a ball buster! ;D

My wife, son, and daughter are all blondes.  I never tell them a joke unless all three are together.  I hate having to explain it three separate times.

A man is sitting at a bar when a beautiful woman walks up to him. She leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20. But only on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asks what is the condition.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considers her proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from his pocket, and presses into the woman's hand along with his address.

He then looks deeply into her eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Paint my house!

   The Barney song, New version.

  I hate you, you hate me. We are a dis functional family.
  With. a punch and a kick and a slap from me to you.
  Won't you say you hate me to.

                                       da prez :crazy2: :crazy2: :crazy2:

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

“Where did you get such a rocking bike?” asked the first.

The second engineer replied “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.'”

The first engineer nodded approvingly “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit!”

So I died and went to hell. Not liking it. I asked the devil. what do I have to do  to-get out?  He said go make love to the ugliest woman you can find. Wanting out desperately I did as I was told.
 returning to the devil I started to tell him I had done what he had asked of me. Then I noticed this beautiful 10 for sure. WOW!!  But with you and your grin. I stopped and asked. What gives? I just had to do the unthinkable. The devil turned and said. Oh that. Yes that 10 over there wants out as well.

The suspense is killing me. 

The next time you hate your
life remember, it's all about
perspective. I have a friend
who has sex 2-3 times a day,
exercises twice a day, reads 2
books a week and yet
complains about how much
he hates prison.

A company is introducing glass coffins. Will they be successful?
Remains to be seen!  :roll:

Where does a one-legged waitress work?
I-Hop!  :D

I bet she was as busy as a one legged man at a a$$ kicking contest.

A man is lying on his deathbed.  He only has minutes to live….and suddenly the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies comes floating into the room.    He just wants one more chocolate chip cookie before he goes.    He falls out of bed….drags himself across the floor….down the stairs….thru the living room….and into the kitchen.    It takes all the strength he can muster but he crawls up to the cabinets…..reaches up and over the countertop……and just as his fingers touch the plate of chocolate chip cookies…..his wife SLAPS his hand and says….”Leave those alone….they are for the funeral!!!”

Old Joe and Louie were inseparable friends, had been for years. Late one night Joe gets a call from the highway patrol saying they think it's his friend Louie that has been in a fatal car accident and they need him to come to the scene of the crash to help ID him. Joe arrives and is taken to where the body lays. The trooper pulls open the body bag and Joe takes a look, then says "yep, that's Louies shirt I gave him last Christmas, those are the same pants I also gave him then, but where's his head?" Trooper pointed to something covered laying a few feet away. Joe walks over, pulls back the cover and picks up the head by the hair, holding it up well above his shoulders for a clear view. Trooper asks "well?" Joe answers "yep, that's Louie's head alright, I just don't recall him being quite so tall!"  :roll:

Hmmm...timing sounds about right, eh Don?! Or were the eggs still a bit soft.  :2funny: :2funny:

A 75 year old millionaire married a 25 year old woman. His brother took him aside and asked "How'd you get such a younger woman to marry you?" The guy answered "I lied about my age" The brother asked "How old did you say you were?" The guy answered"I told her I'm 85!" ;D

I go to the gym 2-3 times a week and noticed we have some rather young gals in there at times. A couple weeks ago I approached a pretty young thing and casually asked if she had any New Year resolutions. She gave me a funny look then answered "screw you!"  Now I'm really excited about coming events for this year.  ;)

Jack and Jill went up the hill , each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came back with two and a half , did they really go up for water?

 Little Miss Muffet , sat on her tuffet , eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider , sat down beside her , and said "what's in the bowl Bitch".

 Johnny went fishing , Johnny hooked a bass. Johnny fell in clear up to his ask me no questions , I'll tell you no lies , Johnny fell in clear up to his eyes.

                                              da prez

Two cowboys got between cowboying jobs and couldnt find any work.  Then they Found out that the local govt was paying $15 per Indian scalp so they started killing and scalping indians for money.   They were making a lot of money killing lots of Indians and turning in their scalps for the bounty.   Well…..The Indians started grtting hacked about what was going on and assembled all the tribes in the area….hundreds of Indians…..and they snuck upon the two cowboys asleep one night and surrounded them.    One of the cowboys woke up and looked around at these hundreds of Indians surrounding them and reached over and shook his partner awake.    His partner sat up and looked around….got a big smile on his face and said “ Manoman….we gonna be RICH!!!”

Last night at dinner, I told a joke about undelivered mail...
Unfortunately, nobody seemed to get it. :roll:

My wife is showing the first signs of Altheimers…..
she says she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.

Recycled from 2016, Thanks Patrick.  :cooldude:

   

    After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking
    at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
 
Her frustration over her inability to lose
weight was depressing her.
 
In an act of desperation, she decided to
call on God for help...
 
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll
devote my life to you," she prayed.
 
And just like that, her ears fell off!
 
Touching story, isn't it!
 

 :2funny:

I poached this one from a friend on FBook
Jim

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Haha

How did the barber win the race?

He found a shortcut! :P

The current administration.

Totally agree, the problem with political jokes is...sometimes they get elected. :2funny:

Lone Ranger Trivia….

Did you know that the Lone Ranger ended up killing Tonto in real life????
He found out “KEMOSABI” was Indian for “SONOFABITCH”

I'm trying to get more exercise in 2022, so if I drop a cookie on the floor and bend to pick it up...that qualifies as a squat...right?

(https://i.postimg.cc/43pNFHSN/2022-01-16-00-23-51.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)

For you old timers: What did Lawrence Welk name his daughters?

Anna1, Anna2, Anna1234...

OK...you had to be there/watching!  ;)

Guess who I bumped into on my way to my Optimologist appointment…..
Everyone

(https://i.postimg.cc/LhFdskFC/image.png)

And God told men that there would be good and faithful wives waiting in all the corners of the earth…..and then he made the earth round….and laughed and laughed

My wife wanted to “disgrace” me in front of a bunch of her friends and told them I was a sorry lover….she was taken a back when they all disagreed.

What do call a woman with one leg?  Eileen

What do call a Asian woman with one leg?  Irene

Gives a whole new meaning to tipping your waitress.

Connie, I like yours better.  ;D

Do you know what the loneliest waterway in the world is?


Bayou Self


-RP

(https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/qjYAAOSwwZtdX~0d/s-l640.jpg)

Rams, your wife told me about the time you ran to the doctor in a panic because you were getting shorter (happens to old people).  The doc had to tell you to calm down, you were going to have to learn to be a little patient. 

(https://i.postimg.cc/zvNs8RnK/image.png)

The new generic viagra name----Mycoxafailin

New drug for frustrated lesbians - TryCoxAgain.

A lady wakes up one morning and discovers her husband is not in bed.   She gets up and goes looking for him and finds him in the kitchen sitting at the table crying his eyes out.   She consoles him and asks “Whats the matter honey?”   He looks at her and says “do you remember back 20 yrs ago when we were young and in high school and I got you pregnant and your Dad stuck that shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter or do 20 yrs in prison?”    The wife said “Yes, I do.”     The husband said “I would of got out of prison today.”

'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.'   Ronald Reagan

The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it.  And if it stops moving, subsidize it'.  Ronald Reagan

'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'.  Ronald Reagan

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.  Gore Vidal

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.  Mark Twain

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.  Kin Hubbard

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.  PJ O'Rourke

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.  Will Rogers

Let us meditate upon this truth...

....Ohmmmmmmmm..............

when I was young the world was normal and I took some stuff to make it crazy, now the world is crazy and I need zanax to make it normal.

I know, the joke's not funny if you hafta 'splain it, but Ohm's law is what defines resistance being voltage divided by current... ;)

The funniest thing I ever heard that was/is actually real G, military and corporate policy everywhere is....

the whippings will continue until moral improves.  

There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.


-RP

Now we're talking!

Remember kids, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't

My small contribution to a great forum topic.


A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said,
 
"Indians don't use saddles."

A young boy was pushing a lawnmower down the street when a local preacher pulled up next to him on a bicycle and offered to buy the lawnmower from him.   The boy told the preacher “its not for sale but I will trade my lawnmower for your bike.”    Preacher said “ok” and the exchange was made.   Next day the preacher saw the boy coming down the street on the bike and flagged him down.   The preacher told the boy “you cheated me as this lawnmower wont crank”.    The boy said “yes it will but you have to cuss while you are pulling the rope.”    The preacher said “ I’m a preacher and I dont cuss”.   The boy said “you pull on that rope enough you will”.

What do women get when they take a LSD pill and a birth control pill at the same time?

A trip without the kids.

 :2funny:

How the heck did this get into this thread?  The resistance comment was in the football thread. :question:

In the old west, they would mount a lantern on their horse for traveling at night.

...it was the first instance of saddle light navigation.

:D

Watt's all this about?

Reminded me of this:

If you're not part of the solution, then there's good money in prolonging the problem.

I believe I might have heard of that...........(See signature line)

Why did the snail paint an "S" on his dragster?
So his friends would say "look at that s-car-go!"


What is Forest Gump's computer password?
1forest1


Did you hear about the French cheese factory explosion?
There was nothing left but DE BRIE!

One of the triplets got a hold of my VRCC calendar and ripped the 5th month out.

...I'm dis-May'ed...

Robbers broke into the police station and stole the toilet.  Police said they have nothing to go on.

-RP

Sadly this one isn't a joke, but it should be so I'll tag it on here - when I was in South Africa, I noticed the police stations all had signs saying they were protected by private security.

(https://i.postimg.cc/d3j1TpmH/image.png)

I asked the locals about this, apparently the police had been hamstrung by the government to the point that robbers would break into the police stations in broad daylight to steal the guns and other fun toys, and the police weren't allowed to do anything about it.

So the police had to hire private armed security to protect the guns that the police weren't allowed to use anyway.

Makes sense to me!

If that isn't Alice through the looking glass, I don't know what is.

I can recall a time when I used to be able to convert numbering systems, i.e., our Base 10 to say...Base 4 or any other based number systems. I must have a lot of available space in my brain now considering how much I've forgot. ;D

To the lady that flipped me off this morning when I waved and honked at you...I'm pretty sure your phone is no longer on top of your car.  :)

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at a tree, when the tree shouted "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said "And you will dialogue."

And that's when the fight broke out. ;-)

Who's Louise?  You're married to Alice... remember?

Rams old church joke reminded me of an old joke about a pastor that was always running well beyond the posted time for the service to end. As a result he got a lot of complaints about it, to which he always answered "I don't have a clock available to watch." . As it turned out, the church was in need of both some structural repairs and expansion so the pastor one Sunday made the following announcement from the pulpit.

Due to the upcoming plans for expansion, and in light of the complaints regarding lengthy sermons, I propose the following;
1. For a pledge of at least $5,000, I will buy a clock.

2. For a pledge of $15,000, I will hang it on the front of the balcony so as to be in direct sight of the pulpit.

3. For a pledge of $25,000, I will plug it in.

4. For a pledge of $30,000, I will look at it.

I'm told he got his pledges well beyond the $30,000 mark in a matter of minutes. ;)

As a side note, I had an uncle that pastored the old church we attended when I was a kid and he was famous for running well past the hour. I asked him about it a couple times and always got put down by both my dad(his brother) and the pastor(my uncle). I had a number or cousins also in the church, enough to be noted if not present so we got together and hatched a plan. It was simply to get up en masse and walk out at the appointed hour. There were at least 10-12 each week and scattered througout the congregation. All parents were upset naturally but I think they kinda agreed with us because nobody was reprimanded. After doing it three weeks in a row, he finally announced we had made our point and from that day forward he never ran over more than a few minutes. I didn't mind a few minutes, but when the service was listed as from 11:00-12:00, and it often was 12:45pm or later when he finished...that was a bit much. We often had plans for the afternoon that often included meeting friends at a certain time. It was a highlight of one summer...for us kids, not my uncle.  ;)

I had a long night Torts class (twice a week) in law school that was taught by maybe the most doddering, incompetent, unorganized, possibly Alzheimers (but tenured) teacher I ever had in my life (and I'd had bad teachers before).  It was a big lecture hall with maybe 75 students.

He just droned on and on, and never answered a question, and it was hard to even stay awake.  But torts was a required freshman class (two semesters) you had to take and pass.

Because night class was from 7 to 11pm, there was always a 10 minute break in the middle.  The law school was on the edge of campus and there were two good bars just across the street.  Ten to 25 of us would run over there at the break and get a shot or two of whisky (or something) before going back to face the second half of the class.  And as the semester wore on, more and more of us would not come back for the 2d half of class at all. (You paid for it, but you learned nothing)

So eventually, enough people went obviously missing after breaks, he started to run longer and longer before announcing the break.  So one night, at normal break time, and with him droning on, 15-20 of us just got up and walked out to the bar, and did not return.

It finally became evident that the time in his classroom was so wasted that many of us stopped attending at all, using 7 to 11pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays to just open and study the Torts textbook instead.  And being night school, not having to commute the freeway into Detroit either night.  I passed, but it was far from my best class (or grade).

Not a joke, a true story.    

Johnny Cash…….

In 2021 its easier for “a boy named Sue” than it was in 1969.

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar! :)

Did you hear about the man that jumped off the Empire State Building and lived to tell about it?

The people on the 86th, 70th, and 50th floors heard him say as he passed, "So far, so good."

I don't know about that, I've met a few in my day that weren't.  :roll:

 
Sad News from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, remember it was sent to you in case your having a crumby day and kneading a lift.
 

Words of Wisdom…..

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

 
Be decisive.  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

 Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.

 

“The starting pay is $40,000.  Later it can go up to $80,000.”

“Great, I’ll start later.”

 

Trust science.  Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

 

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

 

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks - "What the Hell is wrong with you?"

 

 

“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.”

“Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.”

“Really?”

“Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”

 

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.

 

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like.  If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.

 

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

 

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

 

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate either one.

 

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?  Great food; no atmosphere.

 

If you see me talking to myself just move along.  I’m self-employed.  We’re having a meeting.

 

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".

 

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine.

I’m ageing like milk.  Getting sour and chunky.

 

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

 

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support person is asleep.  She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime.

 

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps.  When I was 3, I ate mud.

 

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

 

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

This made me laugh...

Instead of Franklin D. Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Dwight D. Eisenhower and
Douglas MacArthur, we have Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Anthony Fauci and Rochelle Walensky.
If people of this caliber had been in charge in 1942, we might all be speaking German.

-Mike "OK, it was more of a wry smile..."

It's funny how you never hear Meathead, Baldo, Savageo, or any of the other Biden supporters laughing at the jokes.

Its Sunday morning and the preacher is preaching at the pulpit when suddenly FLASH`BOOM (and a lot of smoke) and the preacher is on the ground and SATAN himself is standing at the pulpit.   The preacher and all the rest of the congregation are running and screaming and jumping out windows and the church is now empty.....except for one old man sitting on the front pew kicked back smiling.    The devil looks at him and says loudly "DONT YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" .....the old man still smiling says "Yeah....I know who you are."    Satan says "YOU AINT AFRAID OF ME?".....the old man still smiling says "Naw.....I'm not afraid of you....I've been married to your sister for 50 yrs."     

I generally apply those to women.  ;)

With a roller or a brush?

So my friend said she'd got a job in a bowling alley.
I said: "Tenpin?"

She said: "No, it's permanent".

Just like someone with a weak bladder....Depends! ;D

I made gumbo with only okra and sausage.

It wasn't bad, and it wasn't good.

...it was just meaty okra.

  the salesman's car broke down on a rainy night in the middle of farmland. Seeing a light at a distant farm house , he walked in the rain to the door. He knocked and knocked. No answer , but he could hear noise from inside.
He peered in the window and saw a woman and a man in a shocking way.  He ran back to the road and looked around and saw another light way down the road.
  Thru the rain and mud he walked to the other farm house , knocked on the door and was greeted by a farmer.
 He explained his situation and was made welcome and offered dry clothes and a warm meal.  
 Why did you walk all the way down here . The Jones farm was a lot closer.
 I did he replied , no answer , I looked in the window and got scared.
 There was a woman standing naked with an alarm clock on her head and holding her tit in her hand.
 He was standing there with his pants down , holding an umbrella in one hand and his penis in the other.
 The farmer replied , they are deaf mutes. She is telling him it's time to milk the cows and he is saying "screw you, it's raining".

Now that's a Dad joke if I ever heard one!

Yeah...sent it to my daughter. She responded with...."dad...really?"  ;D

Jerry is looking for a job.

He and his family have been around railroads for generations and he is really good in that field.

Jerry finds a job opening at the local switch yard. It is one of the largest and busiest switch yards in the region. He applies and gets an interview.

At the interview Jerry is grilled about safety and how to run the yard. He is given problem scenario after problem scenario to solve.

“Train A and Train B are entering the yard on the same track at maximum speed and Train C is broken down between them. What do you do?”

And Jerry correctly answers such questions as the interviewer constantly attempts to trip Jerry up.

Finally the interviewer asks him a question about a scenario that is impossible to answer.

“Train A and Train B are 5 mins out on the same track. Train C is outbound on the same track. Train D has stalled in a cross track. A, B, and C all have brake failure and stuck throttles. All switches are broken and the trains cannot be put on side tracks. What do you do?”

Jerry says “My brother lives one block south of the control tower here. I’d go get him.”

The Interviewer says “Your brother would know what to do??”

Jerry says “Nope, he just ain’t ever seen a train wreck before.”

A salesman is late for the biggest meeting of his carreer.  He gets to the building where the meeting is to be held and the parking lot is full.   He is driving round and round the parking lot in a panic and just cant find a parking spot.   There will be dire consequences if he isnt in the meeting.    Finally in desperation as he is driving around in the parking lot he bows his head and says a prayer……”Oh dear Lord, I really need your help finding a parking spot.   Lord…if you will help me find a parking spot so I can make the meeting I PROMISE I will be in church EVERY Sunday for the next year”.     Miraculously a car started backing out of a parking spot right in front of the door to the building.  He said “Never mind Lord…I found one”.

3 Reasons not to fight an old man…..

1.  If you win….you beat up an old man.
2.  If you lose…you got beat up by an old man.
3.  An old man probably wont fight you…he will shoot you.

I envy you people in warmer states...



(https://i.imgur.com/WGQQbRv.jpg)

What do call a woman with one leg?  Eileen

What do call a Asian woman with one leg?  Irene
Above is from f6gal.

I have a few from the past:

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a body of water?
Bob

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, laying by your door?
Matt

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a pile of leaves?
Russell

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, hanging on your wall?
Art

What is the name of a man, with no arms and no legs, in a tree?
Leif

What are the names of men, with no arms and no legs, hanging above your window?
Curt N' Rod

What is the name of a woman, with no arms and no legs, lying on a beach?
Sandy

Getting old is weird because you're still that same enthusiastic kid trapped in a shitshow of a body!

Flying across a desert, a pilot has engine trouble and makes a hard landing.
He's in rough shape and begins staggering, in the desert heat, towards a town he flew over, but it is miles away.

Desperate and near death from thrust, he miraculously stumbles into a man selling ties.

He asks "Do you have any water?"

The man replies, "Sorry, no. But I have these wonderful ties for sale!"

The  pilot says "I DON'T NEED A TIE! I MUST HAVE WATER!"

The man says "If you keep going the direction you are going there is a town just over that dune. My brother has a restaurant there and he'll be glad to give you all the water you need"

The pilot thanks him and continues on.

2 hours later the pilot comes back. "Your brother says I can't go into his restaurant with out a tie"

Dear God,

So far today, God, I’ve done alright.  I haven't gossiped, haven'tm lost my temper, havent been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over indulgent.  I’m really proud of myself, God.  But in a few minutes God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m going to need a lot more help.  Thank You!!   In Jesus name…Amen

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’

The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

I’ve enjoyed this thread, thanks for all the posters.

In real life I had this happen to me.  For a time I was an adjunct instructor at a university teaching a senior level course for a number of years.  I have some specialty knowledge and would have a class of 25 or so for a semester.  One year, on the first day of class I’m up front lecturing deep in to the requirements for students that semester; the students were focused as normal.  Near the back of the class a gal sat and very subvertly, held a small sign she made that said “ Zipper Down”.  I moved to the podium nonchalantly, pulled up my zipper and moved on with the lecture.

That gal, did horrible work in the class, D at best.  But she got a B, just for her tact.

Superbowl....guy in his 50's sitting on 50 yd line front row with 5 empty seats next to him.   Tge guy next to him says " those seats next to you are $10,000 apiece and no one is in them.   Are they yours?"   The man says "yeah, me and my wife and my two sons and their wives normally set there.   My wife died a couple days ago and my two sons and their wives are at the funeral."......

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2022 Super Bowl, both are box seats. He paid $2,500 each & comes with ride to & from airport, dinner, $400 bar tab. Thing is he didn't realize last year when he bought them, that the Super Bowl was going to be  on the same day as his wedding. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place. It's at First Methodist Church in Austin, at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, great cook, loves to fish, hunt & clean your truck. She'll be in the white dress.

Remember the panic when stores were running out of toilet paper at the beginning of the pandemic? They all forgot an easy way to save on TP...use both sides!  :roll:

Does Don know you talk about him behind his back?  :2funny:
Good one Babs.  :cooldude:

I want to get a job with the US mint.

So I can go on strike.

...demanding to make less money.

 ;D :cooldude:

Blake - Dad, I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school!

Me - What's that?

Blake - A big building with lots of kids, but that's not important right now.

I heard in the news that someone had robbed the Tokyo Origami Museum.
The report stated that the story was still unfolding. ;)

(https://pics.me.me/dear-usa-leslie-nielsens-portrayal-ofa-us-president-was-supposed-to-37540876.png)

Oops...

(https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/59122690.jpg)

See...us Johnnys aren't so dumb after all.  ;D

My dad was school superintendent from 1940 to 1950 in two different districts in Iowa. Little Johnny here was fairly smart...but trouble seemed to be my best asset. Dad's office was quite close by and more than once I spent some time there...following some "applied" psychology, also received that evening when he got home. I only wish I had known about double-jeopardy back then.  ;D

(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/PersonalBreakableBrant-size_restricted.gif)

Probably time to update the punchline.... Just sayin'....

Joe Biden….

Leslie Nielsons portrayal of a US President was supposed to be comedy….not a blueprint.

A man is driving a truckload of manure by a mental institution when he gets a flat.  While fixing it, an inmate asks him what he will do the the big load of manure.  The man explains it is to put on his strawberries.  The inmate considers this for a minute then replies.... you should be in here, we get cream and sugar on our strawberries. 

4 yr old boy in church kept crying and figeting and his mother kept scolding him trying to get him to calm down to no avail.   Finally his dad reached over and picked him up and sat him in his lap and whispered something in his ear and the little boy sat there and didnt move a muscle for the rest of the service.

After church the boys mom asked the dad “what did you say to him that made him act right?”  The dad said “ I sat him in my lap and whispered in his ear “ you see that guy nailed to the cross up there on that wall?….he was the last guy to act up in church.”

No matter how big and bad you are….
When a two yr old hands you a toy phone…
You answer it.

what do you call a dog that barks with a low (deep) voice?

 A SUBWOOFER...

What does a hairlip dog sound like when he barks:  "moof, moof."  Or "marf, marf."

HOT COFFEE ...& biden

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "what day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat he said, "it's President's Day!"

He's smart, so I asked, "and what does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln or some great action a past president had taken, BUT...

...he replied, "President's Day is when President Biden steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow we have
3 more years of bull crap."

You know, it really does hurt when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

Out of the mouths of babes....  :cooldude:

(https://d1j1j8n75nhhdz.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/21173051/Kid-You%E2%80%99re-Awesome.jpg)

A young pastor, as he often did, called upon one of the members in the congregation to give a closing prayer. He did this so as to give him a chance to exit the platform and get to the back of the church which enabled him to greet the parishioners as they departed. This particular Sunday morning he called upon dear old Mr. Brown...who followed with a moving prayer and closed it with "and thank you Lord for two teeth, Amen."

Upon leaving, the pastor shook his hand and thanked him for the benediction, then asked why he thanked the Lord for just two teeth. Mr. Brown gave him a big toothless grin and said "ah pastor, these two meet." ;)

I posted this some time back but feel it's worthy of a repeat on this thread.

Seems Louie showed up for work Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss got a bit concerned and asked if he had ended up in a bar fight Saturday night to which Louie said no...adding it happened in church. His boss was surprised such a thing would happen in church so pressed for an answer. So Louie said "you know Mrs. Jones, right?"  Boss..."yes, a rather large woman if I recall." Louie..."very true, and yesterday in church I ended up sitting right behind her. All was going quite well until we stood to sing, that's when it happened." He continued..."you know me, quiet and unassuming by nature, but when we stood I noticed Mrs. Jones' dress was caught up in her butt crack. I figured she would be embarrassed by that so I took it upon myself to reach forward and pull it out." Boss..."then what happened?" Louie..."she turned around and slugged me, so I figured she wanted it that way so I put it back."

Well...lasted about 15 seconds. She'd probably be a lot more funny if she would expand her vocabulary.  :uglystupid2:

Nah  :ick:

Well...I once fixed the neighbor lady's oven. She was so grateful, she gave me a large plate of chocolate chip cookies...my favorite. Mary was 94 at the time. Probably best!  :roll:

My wife jokingly calls the widow next door my "girlfriend" because if I'm out in the yard she will ask me to fix things or other tasks that she doesn't have the skills / abilities to tackle. She "pays" me with sweets (brownies, cake, my favorite is also chocolate chip cookies, yum)

My mom called my dad's engineering job of 40 years his mistress; he loved his work and was a company man all 40 years.  He started out in a field trailer running a surveying transit, and rose through the ranks to run all plant construction in the largest steel mill in MI, and dealt will all the trades and unions and multi-million dollar budgets.

When they retired to a condo in FL, he rapidly became very unhappy with it's poor management and the fact they were routinely taken to the cleaners by and shoddy workmanship of most contracted maintenance.  So he ran for condo manager and won, and turned things around quickly, and turned the books from red to black in the process.  He also took on the city engineers in a couple disputes and won those too.  (Punta Gorda Isles)

Additionally, there was a collection of single widows and divorcees who discovered he could fix most simple things (or make a call for them if he couldn't) and several of them seemed to like his company because he was always a gentleman who was polite and kind and would talk to them, and they started having small problems with their units quite often.

Mom understood dad's work ethic, but was a bit unhappy that he had managed to find another mistress in his retirement.  (not an actual mistress, but nearly a full time job)

He's been gone since 2012, and I dreamed about him just the other night.    

Nice touching and inspirational story about your dad.  :angel: Thanks for sharing it.

...I think we've hijacked the joke thread... :tickedoff: ;D

There's not a big difference between jokes and humorous (true) stories.

No harm no foul.   :)

If sex does not impair your rigorous athletic activities, you're not doing it right.   ;D

It's my experience that men don't "gotta run" afterwards, they gotta sleep (often like the dead too).    :)

Joke thread, Jess.  Joke thread.

OK Boss.  Sorry if that wasn't humorous.   

 So the 85 year old marries a 25 year old.  In the marital suite , he gets undressed and sits on the side of the bed.  He pulls off a wad of cotton. He pinches off a piece and puts it in his ear. He repeats , and does so with each nostril.  He then puts on a condom.
She stands by looking at hem. What's with the cotton , she asks . Not hearing , she pulls the cotton out of one ear and repeats.
 His reply "two things I can't stand , the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a screaming woman".

                                                   da prez   

A couple were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this beautiful young woman comes up to their table and kisses the man full on the lips and says I'll see you later.  Outraged, the wife says who was that.  Calmly, he says, that was my mistress.  Further outraged, the wife says, that's it, we're done, I want a divorce.  He says, if that's what you want, fine, but it'll mean no more summers in Provence, no more shopping trips to Nice, no more partying in San Moritz, no more Bently in the driveway.  Before she can respond, a mutual friend walks in with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  The wife says who's that with Bill.  The husband responds, that's his mistress.  The wife responds, ours is prettier.

-RP

Im in Louisiana right now (not on bike) with some friends.   The lady of the house has a sign in the kitchen……..

There is a skinny girl inside of me that’s trying to get out….
But I can usually shut her up with cookies…..

THE PRESIDENT AND THE TWO HOGS
Last Tuesday President Biden got off the helicopter in front of the
White House carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
 
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention and saluted. 
"Nice Pigs, Sir".
 
The President replied, "These are not Pigs.  These are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.  I got one for Vice-President Kamala
Harris and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.
 
The squared-away Marine guard again snapped to attention,
saluted, and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."
 

A man and woman were married for many
years. Whenever there was a confrontation,
yelling could be heard deep into the night. The
old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my
way up and out of the grave and come back and
haunt you for the rest of your life! Neighbours
feared him. The old man liked the fact that he
was feared. Then one evening, he died when he
was 98. After the burial, her neighbours,
concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you
afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way
out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of
your life? The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him
buried upside down…and | know he won't ask
for directions.

You Know You've Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When...
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

You answer the door before people knock.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You ski uphill.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

You name your dog "Valdez."

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You lick your coffeepot clean!

haha

A professor from a local college was holding a series of meetings with a group of residents from the area, the subject of his symposium was the various aspects of a happy marriage. This one particular evening the subject was marital sex, and during the talk he proposed the question regarding frequency. With that, he asked for a show of hands from those that engaged in the "horizontal mambo" at least three times a week. Following the rather meager showing, he asked about those whose frequency was closer to three times a month...whereupon he had a rather large showing. Finally, he asked if anyone had sex less than three times a month and one little middle-age guy waay in the back excitedly raised his hand so was called upon to explain. Professor..."how often do you engage in sex with your wife?" Man, answering gleefully..."my wife, after 50 years she say only once a year from now on." Professor..."sir, if you only have sex once a year, please tell me why you're so happy about it?" Man..."today is the day!"

From Rowen and Martin “laugh in”….. 

Disheaveled looking drunk is standing before a judge…..
Judge:  you have been arrested for attacking your motherinlaw.   Charges say you hit her on the head, knocked her on her knees,and stomped her on her toes…how do you plead?”

Drunk:   Well your honor….knocking her on her on her lnees and stomping on her toes…. Well your honor….the Devil made me do it!!!…..but hitting her on her head…..well….that was my idea.”

DEAR DOGS,
1) When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2) The dishes with the paw print design are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
PLEASE NOTE: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

3) The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Nor does tripping me help because I can fall faster than you can run.

4) I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball.

5) It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

6) For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I used to enter. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.

7) The proper order is: 1) kiss me, 2) lick your butt.
I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

8. I love you... anyway and always!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here's a tip;
Ring the doorbell on your way to bed. That will clear them off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable.  ;D

A new “Supermarket” opened near my house.
It has a water mister to help keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on you hear distant thunder and the smell of rain.
When you approach the milk cases you hear cows mooing and smell fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackling, and you smell fresh bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department smells of fresh buttered corn.
I dont buy toilet paper there anymore.

Had to share that one with my girls.  :2funny:

 :D

The Sensitive Man
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, they get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom
is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom,
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’.

Q: What is the difference between a hooker,  your mistress,  and your wife?

When making love to a hooker, she is lying there thinking, "I hope this ends quickly"

When making love to your mistress, she is lying there thinking, " I hope this never ends"

When making love to your wife, she is lying there thinking, beige, I think I will paint the ceiling beige.

Jim

 That's a big bunch of cows. 
 Herd of cows.
 Yeah , I heard of cows.
 No, cow herd.
 I don't care what the cow heard , I got no secrets from them.

                                       da prez

I just applied for a used car loan.  The bank wanted to know how much gas was left in the tank. :coolsmiley:

A guy saw his wife bent over working in the flowerbed and commented “ boy Honey….your butt is getting as big as a barbque pit”.   She was not happy.  That night he snuggled up to her wanting some loving and she said “if you think I’m gonna fire up this big ole barbque pit for just one little wiener you got another think coming!!”

Not a joke.... a whole hilarious routine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0gaYyNk7QA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0gaYyNk7QA)

Joke told by President Ronald Reagan…..

An American and a Russian in a bar bragging about their countries.
The American said “ In America I can walk right into the Presidents office and bang my fist on his desk and say ‘President, I dont like the way you are running our country!!’”
The Russian said “I can do that too!  I can walk right into Gorbachevs office and bang my fists on his desk and say ‘I dont like the way the American President is running his country.’”

Joke…..

Rednecks in Ukraine contacted Putin and said “Hey there Putin….tthe rednects of Ukraine have decided to get involved in this conflict and we are going to turn this fight around and kick your butt.”   When Putin got through laughing he said “oh yeah?….and just how do you plan to do that?”    The rednecks said “well…. just like in any war we are going to attack your forces from land sea and air.”    Putin said “ and just how big an arsenal do you have?”   Redneck responded “ well….we got 4 crop duster bi-planes, 20 offshore boats and 50 bayboats, 48 tractors and 12 bulldozers.”   When Putin got through laughing again he said “and just how many troops you got?”   Redneck said “we got 280 redneck fighters….by the way just how many troops you got?”    Putin said “I got 180,000 troops now in Ukraine.”   Redneck said “ hang on for a second Mr Putin…..we gotta have a quick meeting……(couple minutes pass)….ok Mr Putin, thanks for hanging on, but anyways we have decided to call this fight off….you see….we cant figure out how we can feed that many prisoners.”

Found this posted elsewhere:

"I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I’m a faux pa."   ;D

Did you hear about the New Mexican Restaurant…it’s the
Taco the town.   :roll:

A man on a plane headed to Chicago is extremely nervous…wringing his hands…fidgeting around.   Man next to him asks “you ok?”   The nervous guy says “Im moving to Chicago to a new job.  Im going to be bringing my family soon too.  Im just nervous as heck about living in Chicago with all the crime you hear about.  Im afraid my family wont be safe.   Im just scared to death about this move to Chicago.”   The man next to him said “its really not bad there.   I was born and raised there….lived there all my life.  Its really a nice place to live.  Nothing to be worried about….you and your family will love living in Chicago.”
The nervous guy says “Realy?   Im really glad I met you…you have calmed me down inside a lot.   What do you do for a living in Chicago?”   The man answered “ Im a tailgunner on a beer truck.”

Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don't allow motivational

speakers deceive you.

 

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona died at the age of 60.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.

7. Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.

9. Hennessy Cognac inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and

the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

 

You will still die.

 

Reminds me of my dad, his heart skipped a couple beats like clockwork. Every 12 beats it would skip, beat twice, then skip again. Then 12 beats to next skip...and so on, you could literally count them as the drs. often did and were amazed at why it was such a perfect rhythm. He claimed it was that way his whole life, and joked about how all those missed beats are adding up and will be used on the back end when he's old. I guess he was right, he died at 93...from the flu he got from my sister.

Funny how that works.  My dad once went in for an operation - I think it was appendix, but not sure, and while they were in there, they were looking around and afterwards asked him if he had ever had any kidney problems.  He said no, he didn't remember ever having any kidney problems, why.  Doc said that one kidney was all shriveled up and had probably never worked.  Didn't seem to have much affect on his beer drinking when he was younger or much affect later for that matter.  He passed a month short of his 97th birthday.

-RP

I have an occasional irregularly irregular heartbeat my whole life.  Called idiopathic.

It was only noticed on a few of many medical checkups.

They checked it out and then said don't worry about it.  So I don't. 

OLD MOTORCYCLES smoke a little, shake a little, leak a little……just like me.

Two hookers were talking after a long night at work.

One asked the other, do you smoke when you're done?

The other thought about it, looked down at her crotch, and replied, I don't know, I never looked.

I went to an “Alcoholic Anonymous” meeting.
“Anonymous “ my ass…..I knew everyone there!

Three preachers and their wives go on a big fishing trip.  While a mile from shore, a huge storm comes up and capsizes the boat and they all drowned.  They are greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter and seeing that they are all men of the cloth he says, oh, this should be easy, but just as a formality, I have to look you up in the big book.  He looks up the first preacher and says, oh my.  The first preacher says what?  St Peter says, that in the big book, it says you have always coveted money, its all you think about.  In fact, you wouldn't get married until you could find a woman named Penny.  I'm sorry, but I can't let you in to heaven.  He looks up the second preacher and says uh oh.  The second preacher says what?  St Peter says that in the big book it says that you have always coveted alcohol.  You think about it day and night.  In fact, you wouldn't get married until you could find a woman named Sherry.  I'm sorry, but I cant let you in to heaven.  Before anything else was said, the third preacher turns to his wife and says, come on Fanny, they're not going to let us in.

-RP

If a Lama with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet, and Llama with two L's is a beast of burden (That we got to meet at Inzane Taos!), what is a three 'L' Lama?

...a large fire in Boston.

Biden just got sent to the hospital.  He said he couldn't stop pooting.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day...
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I gave her a shove.  :angel:

Q:   What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?





A:   The same middle name.

Got this from a video.

Man said he'd been married for 35 years and has never let his wife look in the safe. One day while he was at the market she sneaked a look, then told him about it when he got home. He fussed at her for looking in there but she commented how there was £40k in there along with three eggs. She asked what's the 3 eggs for, he explained every time he "shagged" another man's wife he put an egg in there. She thought that wasn't too bad over the 35 years. Then she asked about all the cash, he explained as soon as he got a dozen eggs he sold them.  :D

A fellow worked in a pickle factory.  He came home one day and told his wife that he had this incredible urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.  She suggested that it probably wasn't a good idea as he would probably get hurt and who knows what would happen to the pickle slicer.
The next week he came home and told his wife that he had been fired for putting his penis in the pickle slicer.  Concerned she asked if he had gotten hurt.  He replied no, so she asked about the pickle slicer.
Well, he said,  she got fired too.

A guy walks into a lumber yard and says I need some 2-by-4s. The  clerk says "How long do you need them? The guy replies "A long time. We're building a house."

Groucho Marx was interviewing a couple with 18 kids on his old TV show (You Bet Your Life).  He took the cigar out of his mouth and looked at it and said... I love my cigars, but I take them out once in a while.

Johnny Carson was interviewing Arnold Palmer's wife on the Tonight Show, and asked her if she did anything to help her husband in his golf game.  She said she kissed his balls.  Johnny replied, I bet that gives him a stiff putter.

I thought you got excused for being an old fart.  ;)

I accidentally swallowed some “Scrabble” tiles…..
And now I am experiencing constant vowel movements….
The next trip to the bathroom could spell diaster.

A guy driving a refrigerator truck full of penguins cross country to the San Diego Zoo.

He broke down in Flagstaff and was worried he'd lose the whole load.

Soon another refrigerator truck pulled up empty, and the two reached an agreement that the one would put the penguins in his truck and take them to the zoo, while the other guy would get his truck fixed and meet him in San Diego. The guy with the broken truck gave the other guy some money to cover expenses. 

The guy made it to San Diego the next day in his repaired truck and went to the zoo, but found no penguins.  He looked all over town, and no penguins.  Finally, dejected, he went to the beach, wondering how he would pay for the loss.

Out of the blue, the other guy comes walking down the beach with 50 penguins following him waddling along happily.

HEY, I paid you to take those penguins to the zoo!!!!

I did take them to the zoo, but I had some money left over, so I brought them down to the beach.
And now I’m going to buy them a snow cone!

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tuesday is open Mike night!

 :2funny:  :cooldude:

Haha…..

When I die…..I want my last words to be
“I…left…a…million…dollars…in…the……………….”

I asked my wife “At 70 yrs old Does it bother you when you see me running after young women?”

She said “No…not at all.   Ive seen lots of dogs chase cars they cant drive.”

I recently signed up for an exercise class and they told me to wear loose fitting clothes.

If I had loose fitting clothes I wouldnt have signed up for the class in the first place.

We've all heard of the organization MADD; Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

But have you heard of the new organization called DAM?  Mothers Against Dyslexia.

And then there's also. DAMM Drunks Against Mad Mothers,

I heard the same joke, except the (fat) guy was seen wearing a women's girdle in the men's golf clubhouse locker room. 

How long you been wearing that thing Bob?

Since my wife found it under my car seat. 

The girdle is (much) funnier than the earring.   ;D


(Lot's of guys wear earrings, and I don't think it's funny at all.  Just stupid.)

Yeah...especially if you only wear one and in the wrong ear.  :roll:

My girlfriend has accused me of “cheating on her”.

My thoughts were “man….she is starting to sound just like my wife”

At the bar last night a waitress started screaming “ does anyone know CPR?”

I hollered back “I know the entire alphabet!!”….and we laughed and laughed and laughed….all except one guy.

I recently felt uncomfortable as I was driving into the local cemetery.......My GPS blurted out
"You have reached your final destination"

My son:  "I feel like you're always making up rules and stuff."

Me:  "Like what?"

Son:  "Like if I don't clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension."

Me:  "Well....thats what happened to your older brother."

Son:  "What older brother?"

Me:  "Exactly!"

You ever notice that all instruments that are looking for “intellegent life”….
.are pointed away from Earth?

The way I heard it, it was a peacock (not a parrot).   :)

I'll see your dad joke and raise you with:

What has a horn and flies?












A garbage truck.


-RP

What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?
DAM!!

At the bar a guy is telling about a fishing trip.  He said “I caught a 7 lb 4 ounce bass and fought him back and forth and he got off the hook right at the boat and got away”.
Another guy said “ If he git off the hook and got away how do you know he weighed 7 lb 4 oz”?
The fisherman said “ when he was right at the boat I could see his scales”!

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.  ;D

Haha

When in a relationship make sure at least one of you have good credit.
That is why your partner is called your “significant other”

         “ Sign/if/I/cant”

Saw in Readers Digeat true story section.....

5 yr old asked grandma how old she was....she said Im 82 yrs old.
The child said"WOW Grandma.....did you start at 0"?

                                              JACKASS
 An Irish priest was transferred to Texas..Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish .
 He walked to the window of his bedroom to get  a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
 He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
 He promptly called the local police station.
  The conversation went like this: Good Morning. This is Sergent Jones. How might I help you?
 And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.  There's a jackass lying dead in me lawn!
 Sergent Jones , considering himself to be quite a wit , replied with a smirk, Well now Father, It was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites.
  There was dead silence on the line for a long moment,
 Father O'Malley then replied: Aye . tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

Big game hunter goes to the dentist with a bad tooth. Dentist says it has to come out and reached for the needle of novocaine. The hunter tells him to not bother with it, he's had experience with more pain than a tooth being pulled and can handle this. Dentist couldn't believe it so asked what had happened. The hunter said he was out bear hunting in Alaska and felt the call of nature #2 so squatted next to a tree to relieve himself. Unbeknownst to him, he had lowered himself over a bear trap and with the first bowel expulsion it caused the jaws of the trap to slam shut on his privates. The dentist exclaimed that must have been the worst pain ever for a man to experience. The hunter said noooo...it was when I came to the end of the chain.  :2funny:

An old man with a cane gets on the city bus and after walking down the aisle, realized there were no seats available. Suddenly the bus hits a big chuckhole, causing it to jerk quite hard and the old man's cane slipped out from under him on the slick floor and he fell. As he's picking himself up, a little boy seated nearby said "mister, if you put a little rubber thing on the tip of your stick, it won't slip." The irritated old man replied "sonny, if your daddy had done the same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat today!"  ;)

Huge fight at a local seafood place. Battered fish everywhere!

Not a joke, a true story.

It tuns out that a course of strong antibiotics can bring on some diarrhea.

So while the bad tooth and swollen jaw are being treated, there will be no passing gas (at all), sneezing, coughing, laughing, and it's really better if I stay off the stairs.

Just a small public service announcement.  :crazy2:    

Jess, if that was while in the USAF you were probably treated by the same dentist that pulled a wisdom tooth for me. Three nights later I was in such pain I went out to the base dispensary, my jaw & cheek were swollen beyond recognition. Doc on duty took one look and cursed...then reached for some scissors. He took one snip inside my mouth and said "spit"...out came all kinds of ugly smelling stuff but I had almost immediate relief. The cause...the stupid dentist after removing the tooth sewed the tooth socket...and my cheek...together. That created a pocket back there that caught food which caused the socket to become infected by fermenting food. The symptoms you described followed for the next few days, thankfully our commander ordered me to stay home. Turned out he had the same experience in the past with anitbiotics so knew all about my upcoming miseries.

I have at least two things to check out when I arrive there. First, will my golf game improve, and second...do the angels hair really look like long thin spaghetti. This, after reuniting with my two daughters and wife. I know...supposed to be a joke thread but your last one triggered my post.  ;)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

 As she lay her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

 The distressed! owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

 Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

 "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

 As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

 The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm! sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

 The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

 The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Me:  Its not about how many times you fall down.....
Its about how many times you get back up.

Officer:  No....thats not how a sobriety test works.

Whoever stole my depression medication...
 
I hope you're happy!  >:(

  So the older close to dementia guy marries a very young girl.  They agreed to separate bedrooms except for sex.
  On the wedding night , a knock at the door was the groom. He entered and they made love that amazed her.
 He goes back to his room.  A while later , a knock at her door was the groom. He entered and they made love again that amazed her.
 He goes back to his room. A while later , a knock at her door was the groom. He entered and they made love again that amazed her.  She was in shock. "I have been with men a third your age and the have not been able to perform like you".
  He asked,"have I been here before"?

                                                         da prez

  So the accountant is in for his second interview.  He is asked what is the total of two and two?
 He looks around the room , closes the drapes , sits back down and asks "what do you want it to be"?

                                  da prez

Two buddies, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.

 The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

 Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."

 "What fer?" asked Bubba.

 "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

 Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

 When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin’?"

 "No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels . . . "Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

Little girl asked her dad "do all fairy tales beging with 'once upon a time'?" Her father answered "no honey, some begin with 'if I'm elected'."

Science can be fun.....


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the wind-shields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the wind-shields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the wind-shields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the wind-shield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken  ...........

HERE’S HOW BAD INFLATION IS:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and now finally learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Called to get Blue Book Value on my car. They asked if gas tank was full or empty.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

"My truck's crashed, my boat trailer is in the ditch, and I'm sxxxfaced."

Word for word what a guy said on his cellphone as I walked past going into Walmart. I think someone needs to find this guy and teach him to play a guitar, we'd have a country music hit on our hands.  :2funny:

I saw a bumper sticker today that Ive been laughing at all afternoon.....

You cant fix stupid....
But you can temporarily dull it with a 2x4.

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble! 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

If a liars pants really did catch on fire......the news would be a whole lot more fun to watch.

 :cooldude:  :2funny:

To say nothing of uncontrolled fire and smoke in D.C

Down on the coast at a small seafood stand on the beach a sign said "Lobster Tails $2.00"
I paid my two dollars and the guy in the window says.....

"once upon a time...there was this lobster....."

I picked up a hitchhiker.  Down the road he says "aren't you afraid picking up hitchhikers that one might be a serial killer?"
I answered "not really....I mean....what are the odds of two serial killers being in the same car?"

In the news....

Authorities found a woman drowned in a bath tub full of milk.....they think it might have been done by a serial killer.

cereal killer

A guy is going for a divorce...
He tells the judge "I just cant take it anymore...my wife is out every night till well after midnite going from bar to bar!!!"
The judge says "What is she doing?"
Guy "Looking for me..."

Ah, but that's what makes the joke.   ;)

I went to the zoo the other day.

There was only one animal there.

It was a small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Are you sure you're not just pouring the milk on?

You let him slide on the "Lobster Tails"?

They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.

Eiffel.

(https://i.postimg.cc/qMn55QHD/image.png)

The IRS has returned my Tax Return after I apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, ..."Do you have anyone dependent on you?" I  wrote: "7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians." The IRS stated that my response I gave was unacceptable. My response back to the IRS was..."Who did I leave out?" They did not reply




One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe complains to his buddy Mike: “My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.”

Mike says: “Listen, you don't have to spend that much money - there's a diagnostic computer at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes about 15 seconds and only costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Joe fills a jar with his urine and takes it to Costco. He deposits a ten dollar bill and the machine lights up with instructions. Joe pours the sample into the funnel and waits. About 15 seconds later the computer prints and spits out the results:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Costco.”

That evening, while thinking about this amazing new diagnostic technology, Joe wonders if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, and urine samples from his dog, wife and daughter, and his own sperm just for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco the next morning to find out what will happen with this new sample. He deposits the money, then the sample, and waits.

The computer spits out the diagnosis:

1.      Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2.      Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3.      Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4.      Your wife is pregnant with twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.

5.      If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco.                   

 

40 yr old guy at a bar meets a pretty good looking 60 yr old woman.  As the night progresses and the booze is taking affect and its closing time the lady asks "would you like to come over to my place and get in on a 'mother daughter' 3 some?"  He says "sure...never did that before".  They go to her place...walk in the door...the lady goes over to the stairway and hollers "Mom....you up for some wild lovemaking?"

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college ...
 
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each of you, put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
 
And so it happened ...
 
 
The sons became a doctor, a CPA, and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish ...
 
 
First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased ...
 
Next, the CPA placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills ...
 
 
 
Finally, it was Ralphie, the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin and took the $2,000 cash ...
 
 
 
Ralphie the lawyer is now in Congress, possibly from your district ...

A guy enters a premature ejaculation clinic. The receptionist asked him what time his appt was?
He said 3:PM.
Well she said "Its 2:30 and you are early".

My wife is in the hospital right now.    She got stung by a bee.   Her face is all swollen...blaxk eyes....nauseous....she almost died.   Luckily I was there to hit the bee with a shovel.

So let me get this straight. I go to To the
grocery store and buy a lb. of sliced ham
wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic
bag, a gallon of milk in a plastic jug, a pack of
napkins wrapped in plastic, a Greek salad in a
plastic container, a plastic bottle of mustard
and a plastic bottle of ketchup, and they won't
give me a plastic bag to carry it home because
the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

A guy tells his Rabbi...."I have a very strong urge to live forever....what can I do?"

The Rabbi says " Get married."

Man: "And that will make me live forever?"

Rabbi:  "No....but it will make the urge disappear."

Our dog swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get checked.

No word yet.

The girl of my 10 year olds told me this one last weekend:

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

.....snow balls.

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped with 3 Ho's.

Why was Jesus born in a stable?


Mary and Joseph had Obama Care.

How do you make a snowman smile? Start the snowblower  :2funny:

               da prez

I guess Amber was not Heard.

… A mother is driving her little girl to her friend”s house for a play evening …

“Mommy “… the little girl asks … “How old are you” ???...

“Honey …  you are not supposed to ask a lady her age” … the mother replied … “It”s not polite” ...

“OK” … the little girl says … “What color was your hair 2 years ago” ???...

“Now really” … the mother says … “Those are personal questions and are really none of your business” …

Undaunted … the little girl asks … “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce” ???...

“That’s enough questions young lady” … the mother replies

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play …

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about herself” … the little girl says to her friend …

“Well” … says the friend …

“All you need to do … is look at her driver’s license” … “It’s like a report card … it has everything on it” …

Later that night the little girl says to her mother … “I know how old you are … You are 32” …

The mother is surprised and asks …. “How the hell did you find that out” ???...

The little girl then says ... “I also know that you used to have brown hair” …

The mother is past surprised and shocked now … “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out” ???...

“And” …. the little girl says triumphantly … “I know why you and daddy got a divorce” …

“Oh really” … the mother asks … “Why” ???...

The little girl said ... “Because on your driver’s license it says you got an “F” for sex” …!!

A cowboy is riding his horse down an old dirt trail and up ahead he sees an indian laying on his stomach with his ear pressed against the ground.....the cowboy sneaks up and hears the indian say "10 covered wagons...40 head of cattle....20 grown men...15 women....6 children....25 chickens....4 pigs....22 horses."

 The cowboy speaks up "You telling me you can tell all that by listening to the ground?"

The indian says "No...ran over me 1/2 hr ago...."

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.  ;D

Q: My child will not eat fish,
what can i replace it with.
A: A cat. Cats love fish.

I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one.


-RP

Got a cartoon recently shows a guy at the Pearly Gates and the gate Angel is looking at his computer and says "sorry man.....but your username and your password don't match up...."

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

I threw a boomerang a few years ago…

I now live in constant fear. :D

Know what you call a boomerang that doesnt come back??

A stick

I found a book called "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems"......
So...I bought two.

Im much happier since I quit drinking coffee in the morning and started drinking orange juice instead.  My doctor says its because of all the vitamin C and natural sugars in it....personally I think its because of the vodka.

A magician got a job on a cruise ship. He was doing three shows a night.
As he took the stage for his first show, there was the ship's captain sitting front and center with a parrot on his shoulder. The magician makes something disappear, but the parrot yells out "It's up his sleeve!"
During the second show of the night the magician does a different trick and makes something else disappear. The parrot yells "It's under his hat!"
For his final show of the night the magician does his most difficult trick and makes something else disappear. Again, the parrot spoils it by yelling out "His assistant has it!"
That night the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The next day finds the magician clinging to a piece of wood among the wreckage. On the other end of the piece of wood is the parrot. The parrot just sits there and stares at the magician, not saying a word. Just stares at him. For two days straight the parrot won't stop staring at the magician, not saying a word.
The sun comes up on the third day and the parrot looks to his right, then to his left, then goes back to staring at the magician. Finally he says "Alright. I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

An older ex con is at a dance watching and listening to the music when a group of older ladies came over to him to introduce themselves.  Each of the ladies introduced themselves and one asked who he was.   He replied "Ladies.....Im sorry but you all just really dont want to get to know me as I just got out of prison last week after doing 20 yrs for killing my wife."
One of the ladies got bright eyed and exclaimed "oooooh.....so you are single!!!"

(https://i.postimg.cc/zfskPDB6/1-F99-D61-B-FDDC-4895-93-F6-5-F5209-BA93-E2.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD.

It was here a minute ago

(https://i.postimg.cc/nZ0pXfhR/DhtLNa.jpg)

I often wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 10 siblings, but they didn’t have a clue either.  :roll:

I saw a church sign out in the country .....

"Nope....it's not hotter'n Hell"

 ;D

I just realized 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918.  I'm just going to need a minute. :o

A friend of mine at InZane told me, "Two things don't lie - little children and yoga pants."

Well, maybe the joke thread isn't the best place for deep truths.  ;)

Well, you're not a child so stop wearing yoga pants and folks will stop commenting on it.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....


I'll let ya'll know....

They told me "don't give up on your dreams". So I went back to sleep.

If Adam and Eve had been Cajuns...... they would have eaten the snake instead and saved us a whole lot of trouble.

On a t-shirt......

"I am a bomb technician.....
If you see me running.....
Try to keep up"

Police have confirmed that the man that fell of the balcony of an 18th floor night club was not a bouncer.

-RP

(https://i.postimg.cc/HdGHNzmX/216794971-294228735819310-7942592011828183429-n.jpg)

Never make a woman mad....
They can remember stuff that hasn't even happened yet.

(https://i.postimg.cc/sXHcKhK1/image.png)

This is a angry post.

How do you get rid of a boomerang?

 ;D

Low and solid posts like that cause cagers a lot of angry trouble.  Esp backing up.

I think that we can conclude that the "Time Out" generation
didnt produce as good a results as the "Ass Whooping" generation did.

Ha...guess ya cant.....
Saw some old friends who have grown kids the other day and asked them how they liked being "empty nesters".....they replied " we are not 'empty nesters'....we are 'boomerangers'....we keep throwing our kids out ....and they keep coming back'.

Just found out that the company that makes yardsticks
wont be making them any longer.

Did you know that on
the Canary Islands
there is not one canary?.....
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing....Not one
canary there either.

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He sees a girl sitting by herself and asks, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replies with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library start staring at the guy. Being embarrassed, he moves to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy's table and says with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I can tell what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$1500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library now look at the girl in shock. Then the guy whispers in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Reminds of a time when the wife had been giving me trouble.

So, we are sitting in a theater watching the movie, and I just rip a big loud fart and say.... honey, how could you? (laughter from patrons)

She got up and left in a huff.  But not far, I had the keys.  (good thing too)

True story.....

I was working in a high rise office bldg once and on a crowded elevator with women and men in suits there were two friends in there that were always playing tricks on each other and one said to the other...."hey Joe...you still beat your wife like you used to"?.......how do you answer that?

That's an old lawyer joke:  So Mr. Smith, when did you stop beating your wife?

Objection!!


Now, the old trick in the crowded elevator is to carefully let out a silent but deadly.  Then, act as outraged as everyone else.

A logging company was looking for a Field Project Foreman and a little small felliw came in to apply.   He did the paperwork and was called in for an interview.  During the interview the owner asked him " it says her on your application that you have experience as a Field Project Manager ....where did you do this at?"  Th he guy said " when we were logging in the Sahara Forest".   The owner said "you mean the Sahara Desert?"    The guy said "well....thats what they call it now."

Beware of a new EBAY scam......I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry and they sent motorcycle parts.

Has anyone tried unplugging the United States...and plugging it back in?

The inventor of "Autocorrect" has died.....
The Funnel will be held Tomato.

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

 A Mississippi.

What did Mike Tyson say to Chris Helmsworth after working out?

You’re going to be Thor in the morning.  ;)

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope....
Now there are no jobs, no cash, and no hope....
Dear God....please dont let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It's not my age that bothers me; it's the side effects.

I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore...I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up."

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy.  The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still dumb.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

Excellent.   :cooldude: :2funny:

Probably for the same reason this 84 yr. old biker smiles...looks like next spring.  :cooldude:

;D ;D Not likely. She's had an hysterectomy and I'm impotent following my prostate cancer treatment. So...we find other things to do together, however the winters do get rather chilly up here. That said, a person still needs to stay warm ya know!  ;)

For the coffee addicts.

I tried starting a day without coffee once. My court date is pending.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

I've made a few landings like that. My first wife and I both were licensed pilots and she always had a comment if I did that. She quit it when one day a wind gust caused her to make a rather hard "arrival" and made my headset actually fall off. We had fun with flying together, made long trips more interesting.

A missionary was about to leave his posting in the jungles where he
 has spent years teaching the natives 'The Good Word' when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

 So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

 He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

 The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

 The missionary was pleased with the response.

 They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
 rock."
 Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
 hears a rustling in the bushes.
 As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

 The missionary is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
 The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

 The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
 teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how
 could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

 The chief replied, "My bike."

CALL THE POLICE - WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

I kind of can relate as that is my name.   :2funny:

Bumper Sticker on a Seniors car....

I'm speeding because I have to get there
before I forget where I'm going.

Sad News from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If you smiled while reading this, remember it was sent to you in case your having a crumby day and kneading a lift.

I normally don't brag about going to expensive places to shop, but I have to tell you...I just pulled out of a gas station.

Guess that really isn't very funny!  ;)

An U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a small boat rowing towards Texas.
 
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts,

"Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,

"Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim
the territory taken by the USA during the War of 1812.”

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks,

"Just the four of you?”

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts,
"No Señor, we are the last four. Thanks to your own traitor, President Biden, the other 21 million are already there."

 

Living in Houston that info is just about right so yall oughta listen up. 

18 pounds at birth...!

A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 18 pounds, but the man just shrugs and says, "Aye, that's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

Two weeks later the Scot returns to the same bar where the bartender asks, "say, aren't you the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 18 pounds at birth...? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "14 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 18 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Glenfiddich, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...
"We had him circumcised."

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is sir.

Texan in a high dollar fancy restaurant.   After the meal the Waiter comes over and asks "Well sir....how did you find your steak?"
The Texan says " Well...I just moved that french fry over and thar she was."

He's My Brother.....

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked
out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're
for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if
you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either."

From Phylis Diller....

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk
and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. 

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

LATER IN LIFE

 
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

 I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

 I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes . . . so she hugged me.

 My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else . . .

 At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

 I thought growing old would take longer.

 I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.

 The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed . . . I need bail money.

 I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

 Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

 Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

 The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone.

 A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.

 .... did I roll my eyes out loud?

 Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

 Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

 If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.

 I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

 Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

 My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

 I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

 Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

 Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

 I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

 Measure once, cuss twice.

 My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

 THINK! (It's not illegal.... YET)

 I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

 The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

 Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

 I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me

 If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds!

 

Thank God its not snowing......
Can you imagine shoveling snow in this heat?

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

 Answer :
Princess Diana's death.

 Question : How come?

 Answer :An English Princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk on
Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
Challenge the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

 This is
sent to you by a Canadian, using
American, Bill Gates' technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers, in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked
by Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
Mexicans Who are in the US Illegally.

That, my friends, is

 Globalization!

 

A guy I used to work with had this plaque on his office wall:

Heaven is where:
 the police are British,
 the cooks are French,
 the mechanics German,
 the lovers Italian,
 and it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where:
 the chefs are British,
 the mechanics French,
 the lovers Swiss,
 the police German,
 and it is all organized by the Italians.


-RP

So the kids in my town are getting high on brake fluid. I don't know if they're sniffing it, drinking it, or injecting it., but it's the new fad. The parents are worried sick, but the kids are telling them "Hey, it's brake fluid. You can stop any time you want."

A seatbelt wont save your life
If it's God's will that you die in an auto accident.....
But...it sure will save you a lot of pain
If all He was trying to do was wreck your car.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, " Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, " well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat-room. Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"

A German got pulled over by the police in France.

Police Officer: "Name?"
German: "Heinrich Klimt"
Police Officer: "Age?"
German: "31"
Police Officer: "Occupation?"
German: "No, no. Just visiting."

Husband calling police.....
Husband:  "My wife has been missing for over 48 hrs now"
Police:  ok....let me get a description...how tall is she?
Husband:  I dont know....somewhere around 5'11" or so
Police: weight?
Husband:  I'm not sure...somewhere around 140 lbs or so.
Police:  color of eyes?
Husband: I think they are brownish.
Police:  what was she wearing?
Husband: shorts I think....maybe a tank top.
Police: what was she driving?
Husband: A 1998 Honda Valkyrie motorcycle with 6 cylinders and 6 carburetors. 1540 cc  Black with red trim....Kuriakin chrome bar backs and floor boards and highway pegs.  Chrome luggage rack and Cobra 6 exhaust pipes, car tire on the back with Dunlop front tire.  Tourer model with Interstate tank.  Has 100,342 miles on speedo.  Has a small dent on left side of front fender from a rock I hit.....
(Husband starts choking up)
Police:  It's gonna be ok sir, we will find your motorcycle.

Digger , I choked on that one. :2funny: :2funny:

         da prez

 
 Lesson Learned
 
  At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”
 
“Yes, coach,” replied the little boy.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together, as a team?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, or curse, or attack the umpire, or call him a jerk,
Do you understand all that?”
 
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, we don’t call that 'a dumb-butt decision' or that it means that the coach is 'a sh*#thead', right??”
“Yes, coach.”
“Good”, said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

A little girl down the street was having the celebration of her third birthday.  It reminded me of a story I heard long ago.

A man was released from prison after almost twenty years.  Once out the gate he began running down the street waving his arms and shouting, "I'm free!  I'm free!  I'm free!"

He was met by a young boy who looked at him with disdain and said, "So what?  I'm four."

Two little boys were sitting at the curb with a bottle of some liquid, and were pouring a portion of it into a second bottle. Their preist walked by and asked what they were up to, so they explained just playing with some turpentine. The preist cautioned them about playing with that then told them just last week he put some holy water on a woman's belly and she passed a baby. One little boy piped up and said well just yesterday we put some of this on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle.

i before e ...

(https://i.postimg.cc/2ynxJ9cs/image.png)

I put my grandmother on speed dial.I call it "insta-gram."

Sisyphus: Whisky.

Bartender: On the rocks?

Sisyphus: Buddy, it's been a long day and I am not in the mood.

Cute...ha

A big time attorney boards the airplane with a large box. It's to big for the overhead. He says to the blond stewardess,  these are very expensive crabs . I expect you to clear out the fridge and take care of them
 I hope you are smart enough to do as you are told. Nothing better happen to them or I will sue you and the airlines.
  She takes the box and goes to the gallery.
  They arrive at the destination and she gets on the loud speaker , will the attorney who gave me the crabs please hold up your hand. No reply so she shared  a nice dinner with her boyfriend. 
  Not all blonds are , blond.

          da prez
 ,

Umph...ya got me. I actually had to read through it twice before I caught it, please don't tell any of the dozens of auditors in Fla. whose files I reviewed before sending them out.  ;)

PS:  I'm leaving it as is just because I'm obstinate...among other things.  ;D

Just remember.....

If you lose a sock in the dryer.....
It comes back as a tupperware lid that doesnt fit any of your containers

I dont know the key to happiness.....
But I'll tell you what.....
I've never been unhappy at a Mexican Food Restaurant....

Me either. However, I have been unhappy a few hours later. ;D

A preacher is on a hunting trip when he encounters a grizzly bear up close.  The grizzly comes running at the preacher in a feroscius charge.   The preacher falls to his knees and starts praying for his life.  He says "oh Lord let this bear be a Christian bear".  The bear charges up and throws the preacher to the ground....gets down on his knees.....and prays...."Oh Lord I thank you for this meal You have provided me."

I've had a lot of fun with this joke at the American Legion.  It's not a dirty joke unless the audience makes it so.

Are we recycling?  Reply #493  A rabbi, priest, and a preacher ... (http://www.valkyrieforum.com/bbs/index.php/topic,119842.msg1238363.html#msg1238363)

Have we already run out of material?

Or maybe Rams' humour is operating at a whole new meta level, and repeating the joke IS the joke?

(https://c.tenor.com/sK2mHU6kq9IAAAAC/thats-the-joke-ranier-wolfcastle.gif)

Monday starts diarrhea awareness week...   

Runs until Friday!   :roll:

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. ...  [/quote]

O.K.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into this BBQ joint.

The End.

I was well into my 40's before I realized that "This Little Piggy" that "went to the market" wasn't going shopping.....

What!??  Tell me it's not true!   :o  This little piggy rhyme wasn't just about that tribe from which three little piggies went out to build their houses?   :'(

Where's do you think the little piggy was getting roast beef?

Good one Rams, reminded me of my four girls. Only one prospective son-in-law didn't ask me in person for my daughter's hand, he was in the Navy and 'twas a bit difficult aboard ship in the middle of the Pacific.  ;)

How many copy editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.



-RP

A flush beats a full house.

Delivering yesterday's lunch.

        da prez

What u 8

Craig

Now that there is funny.... :D ;D :D

 COSTELLO:  I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
 
ABBOTT: Good Subject.  Terrible Times.  It's 3.6%.
 
COSTELLO:  That many people are out of work?
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
 
COSTELLO: You just said 3.6%.
 
ABBOTT:  3.6% Unemployed.
 
COSTELLO:  Right 3.6% out of work.
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
 
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's  23% unemployed.
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 3.6%.
 
COSTELLO:WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 3.6% or 23%?
 
ABBOTT: 3.6% are unemployed.  23% are out of work.
 
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
 
ABBOTT:No, Biden said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
 
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
 
COSTELLO:  What point?
 
ABBOTT:Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work.  It wouldn't be fair.
 
COSTELLO: To whom?
 
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
 
ABBOTT:No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.
Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
 
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
 
COSTELLO:The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
 
ABBOTT:Absolutely it goes  down. That's how it gets to 3.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
 
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
 
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
 
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
 
ABBOTT: Correct.
 
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
 
ABBOTT: Bingo.
 
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
 
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.
 
COSTELLO:  I don't even know what the hell I just said!
 
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Biden.
 
 

(https://i.postimg.cc/dvz895z7/dnejjcpninkffdke.jpg)

Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

 

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.

 A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high…she looked surprised!  :o

I was at McDonald's when order 867 was called out. I called out 5309 and nobody laughed. I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

My wife sent me a text, your great!

So naturally I text back, no, you're great.

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was correcting her grammar or just let it go?

A friend of mine had his big dog in a sidecar at a traffic light guy pulls up along side him and says that's an ugly girlfriend. My friend told him it was his seeing eye dog. The guy apologized.

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen a $20 bill all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly pulled out a crumpled $20 bill from her bra. He took the bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen a $50 bill all crumpled up?”

“Uh, no, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her sheer undies and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill.
 
He took the bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said ever so softly, “Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

“No!” he answered trying hard to hide his arousal.

She replied, “Then go check the garage!”

We might be old.....

But we had great hair,
Listened to cool music,
And drove great cars

Two old ladies talking....

1st old lady..."You know...At Christmas I send each of my grandchildren a generous check for Christmas and I never get a 'Thank You', a visit, or even a phone call from any of them"

2nd old lady...."I also give all my grandchildren a generous check for Christmas.   Each of them calls and thanks me and they each come by and see me."

1st old lady...."That is so nice of them.   You really raised them to respect and love you."

2nd old lady...."No...I just dont sign the checks..."

To all those politically verbal athletes....

If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball
I would ask my dog

Doctor walking into exam room to give test results to cross dresser.....

Doctor...."morning Sir"
Patient..."its 'Maam' Doc"
Doctor...."Ok....Maam...you have prostate cancer."

Doctor and very pregnant young lady in exam room...

Pregnant woman..."Well Doctor is it a boy or girl?"
Doctor....."we will have to wait and let the kindergarten teacher decide."

I'm so out of step with modernity... I've never been confused at all throughout my entire male, heterosexual life... Of course, I didn't grow up in enlightened times either...

DDT

In this crazy world.....  why do we park our expensive cars in the driveway and put useless junk in our garage?

Why do drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back to get prescriptions and sell cigarettes to the healthy at the front of the store.....

Why do banks leave their vault doors open...then chain their pens to the counter?

Why dont you ever see the headlines "Psychic Wins Lottery!!"

Why is the man who invests all you money called a "Broker?"

Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitos?

If flying is so safe why do they call the airport the "terminal?"

I told my Therapist I was hearing voices. He said "You dont have a therapist".

That's a good one!!   :cooldude:

 A bear was chasing a rabbit for dinner. A magic frog saw them , got them to stop. The frog told them if you will become peaceful , I will grant you each three wishes.
 The bear went first. I want all the other bears in the forest to be females. Done said the frog. The rabbit wanted a motorcycle helmet. Done said the frog.  The bear next wished for all the bears in this state to be females. Done said the frog. The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle that used no fuel. Done said the frog. The bear then wished for all the bears in the northern continent to be females. Done said the frog.
 The rabbit gets on the motorcycle and the frog says , rabbit , you have one more wish.
  The rabbit says ," I want that bear to be gay" , as he rode off on his motorcycle.

                                                        da prez 

"No thanks..... I'm a vegetarian......"






.....is a really fun thing to say whenever someone hands you a baby.

(https://i.postimg.cc/8DFTVYkm/241370597-974934279746508-3285326668147964556-n.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/058w3qDx/1-7.png)

Life really is all about perspective.

I've got a friend who has sex two to three times a day, exercises twice a day, reads at least two books a week and yet he constantly complains about how much he hates being in prison.

Threw out my back sleeping...
Tweaked my neck sneezing...
So I'm just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I get to the end and think...
"Well, that's not going to happen!..."

Scrabble......(I liked 'Mother in Law')

 

PRESBYTERIAN  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
BEST IN PRAYER

 

ASTRONOMER  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
MOON STARER

 

DESPERATION  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
A ROPE ENDS IT

 

THE EYES  :       
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

 

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE  :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

 

 
DORMITORY    :   
When you rearrange the letters:   
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES  :
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS  :
When you rearrange the letters:       
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 

SNOOZE ALARMS  :
When you rearrange the letters:       
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

 

A DECIMAL POINT  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 

THE EARTHQUAKES  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
TWELVE PLUS ONE

 


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW  :
When you rearrange the letters:       
WOMAN HITLER

Puns....

1). The fattest knight at the roundtable was Sir Cumference.  
      He acquired his size from too much pi.

2).  Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organization.

3).  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger and
      bigger.....
      Then it hit me.

4).  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said.
       "Keep Off The Grass".

5).  When Cannibals ate a missionary....they got a taste of
       religion.

6).  The soldier who survived "Mustard Gas" and "Pepper Spray"
       Is now a seasoned veteran."

Did a little mechanic work today......
Put a rear end in a recliner....

Hey...they don't roll the dead one into the hole, they kick him in the icehole!  ;)

My 5 yr. younger sister was generally a major PITA most of her life, had dad wrapped around her little finger. She went out of her way to be a pain in my life, doing her best to belittle me in front of my friends. At her b'day party one year she was carrying on about her "dumb big brother" and how she could always outsmart him(me). I finally asked her how much she had in her "piggy bank" and was told it was a goodly amount. So, I suggested a contest that included betting her bank against mine, she jumped at it since she knew mine was a larger figure than hers by quite a margin. The rules naturally had to be something both of us could do so I suggested I could jump over a pencil whereas she couldn't. She laughed at her big dumb brother...and agreed. I jumped over the pencil first with no problem, then it was her turn. The pencil was only about 3" long so I placed it in the corner...then told her to jump. It was the one time dad took my side and made her pay off. Oooh...the pain, the wailing, the tears...but best of all the humiliation in front of her friends. She didn't speak to me for nearly a month, some of the best years of my life.  :2funny:

We were sitting in the hospital waiting room.  Across from where we were was a unisex restroom.  Outside the door was a sign that read: CAUTION: WET FLOOR.

I turned to my wife and observed, "It appears the toilet isn't working."

Wife says to her COBOL programmer husband: "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

LOL!  For what it's worth I was originally an assembly language programmer.  I did teach COBOL and Fortran at the college level.  The closing thirty-seven years of my career I was what we called a systems programmer; some later called that systems engineer.

The if-then logic interpretation does apply to real programmers.   ;)

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly

Jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Digger , you are sick.  :uglystupid2: Love you.

         da prez

I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up....
You see....I just got a new voice activated phone
and everytime I yell "Dumbass" it calls you

A Texas midget goes to see his doctor, complaining of an ache in his belly. It often makes him feel a bit nauseous, horrible headaches, backaches, difficulty peeing, the whole nine yards. Dr. asks him to drop his pants, first checks his testicles then checks each side with the old "turn your head and cough" routine. He then puts the midget on the table and asks him to lay back, grabs some scissors and snips away. The sound scares the midget but he feels nothing. Dr. sets him back down, tells him to pull up his pants and walk around the room. The midget is amazed...there's no pain and he feels great relief so asked the doctor what he did to his package that was so miraculous. The doctor said "no big deal, I just cut 2" off the top of your cowboy boots."  :2funny:

 ;D ;D

Read this to Nancy who's sitting behind me on the couch. She got a chuckle out of it, then added..."I'm not dyeing my hair brown though." She's a natural blonde, but these days only due to Revlon ColorSilk #81.  ;D

Checking my pulse (The pissing on the fence was humorous.).

So,, i wanna say “this old dude “ but i feel its getting close to home now .,.,.,

A guys comes off the farm and goes to his Dr

“Dr i am having a dam awful time getting things moving you know “

The dr says

“No problem get this script filled and follow the directions and see me in 7 days “

Guy ambles off


A week later he comes back

Dr


“Sooo how are things ?”

He says
“Mate i got the tablets,

They didn’t work “

Dr

“Did you follow the instructions ?”

“Mate i put then in the back passage, in the drive way , the hall the laundry the kitchen i ran out but for all the good, i may as well have put them in my ass for all the good they did !! “

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me....
My arms for always being by my side....
And for my fingers...I could always count on them.

Well you might have some Aussie speak in there ,.,.,  results may vary

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That's impressive, you're hired.

Interviewee: Thanks, I really need this Yob!

 So the farm boy goes on a date to the county fair with the farm girl.
 They get there and he ask's what she would like to do. "Get weight , she says".
 So he takes her to a guess your weight.  They then get some fair food.
 Now what do you want to do he ask's.  'Get weight , she say's".
  So he finds another guess your weight. I guess she watches her weight.
 After this , he takes her home. Did you have a good time , he ask's.
   Wousey ,she repied.

                                                 da prez

I think the most unsettling part of that song "Born to be Wild" is when they found a head out on the highway.

 So the circus advertised for a lion tamer. Only two people showed up. A cowboy in his 60's and a younger woman..
  The ringmaster said the lion is a killer as he ate the last trainer. If you wish to continue , you can try for the job.  The woman said I will go first. She entered the cage and the lion was released after she was inside. As it ran towards her , she opened her coat and was nude. The lion stopped in front of her and started licking her from her feet to her head. It then lay down at her feet.
  The ringmaster looked at the cowboy and asked , can you do better?  Yeep , just get that cat out of there and let me at her.

                                                         da prez

Me:  "Please bring me a screwdriver."
Wife:  "Flathead, phillips, or vodka?"
Me:  "Thats when I knew.....she's the one...."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies "I don't think I am."
...and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think; therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Hey Serk, this is going to be a good day...I got it at the first reading and I haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet.  ;D

https://youtu.be/ZWlujDKZn_E

My horse will only come out of her stable when it gets dark.

...it's becoming a night mare.

(https://i.postimg.cc/5ydDvbM6/Wing-trailering-Gma.jpg)

I just saved $26,000 on a new battery for my car.....cause it runs on gas...

(https://i.postimg.cc/w9G4W42B/244462906-188504603397992-8745980315580587880-n.jpg)

Wonder how Brucie will react if he gets prostate cancer.  :roll:

Found this elsewhere...

"The enthusiasm and confidence you bring to the table is rivaled only by the impressive consistency with which you are totally [expletive] wrong."
   -Socrates, probably  ;D

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.  He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.  As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.  He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.  He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't.  I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him.  "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.  I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In three generations, there will be no more Democrats.

Those are the most encouraging words I've ever heard for my great grandchildren and beyond.  :cooldude:

Never iron a four leaf clover.....
You don't want to press your luck.

Without freedom of speech we would never know who the idiots are.

Good moms let you lick the beaters.....
Great moms turn them off first.

Uncle Danothy called me last night wanting to go bar hopping.

First bar we walked into we noticed a large pickle jar on the counter full of $10 bills. At least $10,000. Uncle D asked the bartender, “What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"

“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.”

“Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

“Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that.
 
Uncle Danothy handed the bartender $10, grabbed the bottle with both hands and drank it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down both cheeks -- but he didn’t  make a face -- and he drank it in 48 seconds!

He staggered out the back door where the pit bull was chained to a pole. Inside the bar we heard loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
About the time I thought he was dead, he staggered back into the bar. His clothes were ripped to shreds and he was bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

Uncle Danothy drunkenly said, “Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

An orange robed Asian monk opened a tub of margarine and saw the face of Jesus...

....he exclaimed "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

During the French revolution, a priest, a doctor and an engineer were about to be executed on the guillotine.  The executioner asked the priest whether he would prefer to be executed face up or face down.  The priest said I would like to be face up so I can see heaven when I die.  The doctor and the engineer agreed.  So the priest is up first.  The executioner pulls the release and the blade falls about halfway and then jams in the tracks and stops.  The executioner says it is an act of God, so we must release him, and the priest goes on his way.  Next, the doctor is up.  The executioner pulls the release and the same thing happens - the blade jams in the tracks about halfway down and stops.  Again, it is ruled an act of God and the doctor is set free.  Finally, the engineer is up.  The executioner just starts to pull the release and the engineer yells wait!  I see what's wrong.


-RP

My girlfriend said "Let me see your phone....I want to look at something..."
I gave her a weird look and said "Honey....I don't even let my wife do that."

An apple a day will keep anyone away............
If you throw it hard enough...

My wife and I agreed to never go to bed angry.....
We have been awake since last Thursday....

Hairist! :moon:

What happened to the other $ 100.00? :uglystupid2:

A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili. The waitress tells him "I'm sorry but the man next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees the other man has finished his meal but the bowl of chili is still full. So he asks him "are you going to eat that chili?" The other man says "no, by all means, help yourself" and slides the bowl over. The man starts to eat and it's delicious, the best chunky chili he's had in a long time. When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something. Surprised, he looks down and sees a dead mouse in the bowl and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other man says "yeah, that's about as far as I got too!"    :2funny:

They paid $100 for the mule.

Duh!! :crazy2:

Went "Line Dancing" last night.....
Well...actually it was a roadside sobriety test....same thing...

The three hardest things to say are....

1). I was wrong

2). I need help

3). Worcestershire Sauce

RAms, that joke reminds me of when my 1st wife and I lived in Downers Grove, IL, a western suburb of Chicago. Depending on my work schedule working for Xerox, I would take the train into the office which was in the Loop, my wife always took the train. One day we were going to get on further back due to where that end usually stopped when in the station...more convenient access to our destination from there. Problem was, you were having to get on from ground level, not the elevated station platform. Back then my wife looked really good in a tight skirt, but that caused issues on that day due to the first high step. Having four brothers, she was quite good at compromising so just grabbed her skirt and pulled it up well above the knees, showing a goodly amount of thigh in the process. There were no whistles heard, just appreciative applause from all those behind us and half the car we entered. That was the last time she decided to enter the train near the back unless she had on a pant-suit or similar.  ;)

So we are in the barracks in basic training.  The drill sergeant comes in and screams , all you motherless sons of an ugly pig line up outside in formation.
 The barracks empties in a thunderous roar. I'm laying on my bunk reading. The DI walks up and says , so what are you doing here.
 I said , there were a lot of them , weren't there.

                        da prez

You want to see social distancing?......
Loan somebody some money.

 
 
Possum Plagues at the Churches

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their Possum infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the Possums were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the Possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the Possums drown themselves. The Possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many Possums showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their Possums and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the Possums were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the Possums with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk Possums can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the Possums and made them members of the church. Now they only see the possums at Christmas and Easter

At the Jewish synagogue, they took the first Possum and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a Possum since.

 

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a Valkyrie and a bum on a Valkyrie Trike?

I saw a couple of blind guys fighting. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I said my money is on the guy with the knife.

One wheel?

Attire!