HUMOR

[shadowsoftime]

DOGS-----Mommy, why are humans wearing muzzles, [ they are to dumb to learn sit and stay]    

[h13man]

 

 senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[gordonv]

Subject: Dementia Quiz
 

THIS MAY BE A "Little" DIFFICULT FOR ALL WHO ARE OVER 60. THOSE YOUNGER THAN THIS WILL HAVE NO HOPE AT ALL.


DEMENTIA QUIZ

FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~






ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?




SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~





ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~




DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...


IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ???

2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~





Answer: DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T .
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!





OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:


A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~



Answer: IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

[Funbaldguy]

I enjoyed these 

[gordonv]

That moment when you're worried about the elderly and realize you are the elderly.



I'm having a quarantine party this weekend!!

None of you are invited.



I hope this virus clears up before tick season, or else we'll be having Corona with Lyme


(a little late)
I still haven't decided where to go for Easter. Debating between the family room or the living room.

[gordonv]

WARNING!! I don't think all North Americans will like this one. 

(pic missing, red baseball cap)
Make America Great Britain Again


(portrait of Queen Elizabeth II)

        A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN   

        To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.   

        "In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.   

        Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she does not fancy). 

        Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.   

        To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:   
        -----------------------
        1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').   
        ------------------------
        2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'   
        -------------------
        3.  July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.   
        -----------------
        4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.   
        ----------------------
        5.  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.   
        ----------------------
        6.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.   
        --------------------
        7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.   
        -------------------
        8.  You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.   
        -------------------
        9.  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.   
        ---------------------
        10.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.   
        ---------------------
        11.  You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).   
        ---------------------
        12.  Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.   
        --------------------
        13.  You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.   
        -----------------
        14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).   
        ---------------
        15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.   

        God Save the Queen!

        P.S.:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour ( NOT humor )!

[gordonv]

We need to change who is in charge of this crisis.
Three phone calls, and Radar could have had masks, gloves, ventalators, PPE, 12yr old Scotch, Rocky Road icecream and grape flavoured Nehi soda.

[gordonv]

And just like that:

Having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting and rope in your trunk is OK.

[gordonv]

The drop in the gas price during the lock down is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.



Returned from the grocery store with the hubby.
Took masks off. It turned out that it was hubby.
Be attentive!



Three weeks of home schooling my 7, 9 and 12 year olds went surprisingly well!
They have all graduated High School and are now ready to move out and get
jobs when quarantine is over!


The Police want you to know, running away from them is NOT social distancing.


Fact: In 4 weeks 88% of blondes will disappear from the earth!

[gordonv]

I'm glad I didn't waste my money on a planner for 2020.


Quarantine day 20:
Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind, just by staring at it!
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.


I have the most loving wife.
Last night I woke up while she was holding a pillow tightly over my face, to protect me from COVID19.


All those grand parents who are missing their grand kids right now.
Once this is over, you can have them for a month.
Sincerely, a tired mom.


No hair salons, nail salons, or tanning beds... some of you guys are about to meet your girlfriends for the first time.


Anyone's else's car getting 3 weeks to a gallon at the moment?

[gordonv]

Hormel made there first batch of SPAM in 1937.

The company has just announced that due to hoarding by consumers, they are going to make a second batch.



The PowerBall is up to an 18 pack of Charmin.



Turns out my top 3 hobbies are:
1. Eating at restaurants
2. Going to nonessential businesses
3. Touching my face



Home schooling update:
My child just said I hope I don't have the same teacher next year


After isolation;  A woman visiting here friend.
Friend: Jane, where's your husband?
Jane: In the garden.
Friend: Where, I don't see him?
Jane: You need to dig a little.


Remember when we where little, and had underwear with the days of the week on them?
Yah. Those would be helpful right now.

[gordonv]

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

 

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.

 

This is how it manifests:

 

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

 

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

 

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .

 

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

 

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

 

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

 

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

 

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

 

 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

[Hook#3287]

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Man, that felt so real reading that.  I think my day came.

Great post!

[gordonv]

I didn't know where to put this one, so into Humour it goes.



Short and Profound
These three statements tell you a lot about our government and our culture:

1.
We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but
we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works.

And another statement for consideration-- "

2.
We constantly hear about how CPP (Canada Pension Plan) is going to run out
of money..  How come we never hear about welfare running outof money?
What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

Finally…….

3.
Provincial Social Services (welfare payments) is proud to be distributing this
year the greatest amount of free money ever . Meanwhile, the Parks Branch,
asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." The stated reason for this policy is
because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to
take care of themselves."


That ends Today's Lesson On Irony

[gordonv]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”
At that point, the Colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to f ck off."

[gordonv]

As seen on a t-shirt


say:   eye
spell:  map
say:   ness

[h13man]

The electric fence and the lawnmower..
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”....How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ... but Grandpa always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

[gordonv]

        Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

         

         

        FLORIDA OR MOON

        Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Hellooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

         

         

        CAR TROUBLE

        A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
        mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

        She says, 'What's the story?'

        He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

        She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

         

        SPEEDING TICKET

        A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

        She replied in a huff,

        'I wish you guys would get your act together.

        Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!'

         

        KNITTING

        A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

        Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

        'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

         

        BLONDE ON THE SUN

        A Russian, an American, and a Blonde

        were talking one day.

        The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

        The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

        The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

        'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

        You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

        To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!
         

        IN A VACUUM

        A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

        It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

         

        FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

        A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

        The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

        Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'   'HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

[The emperor has no clothes]

BLM ? (blonde lives matter)

[ridingron]

Over heard at Inzane: "Your kickstand leans your bike more than you do."  

[Detn8er]

Over heard at Inzane: "Your kickstand leans your bike more than you do."  

I didn't over hear it.......... However I did seened it....   

[gordonv]

                                                          GOVERNMENT NOTICE

                    Due to the current financial situation caused by the Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

                    This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

                    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

                    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

                    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

                    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

                    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

                    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much crap (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of crap they give our citizens.

                    Should you feel that you do not receive enough crap, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the crap you can handle.

                    Sincerely,
                    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
                    PS - Due to the Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[ridingron]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

[ridingron]

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

[gordonv]

Only in This Stupid World

......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the garage.
 
 
Only in This Stupid World
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke..

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight..


Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
...

Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the
Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that Doctors call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of
Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?

You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
Shrink when it rains?


Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?

 


I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of Pro,

is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Jess from VA]

Why isn't there Mouse-flavored cat food?

And why isn't there butt flavored dog food.