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Author Topic: Funny moments in life. ( After the pain )  (Read 910 times)
klb
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*****
Posts: 761


Hickory nc


« on: March 16, 2021, 06:26:15 PM »

Just reflecting on things that have happened to me in
past that were somewhat funny afterwards.
A few years ago my elbows got a little dry and crusty
so I did a little maintenance on the by wetting them
good then using a pumice stone to clean up the area.
Got a little too rough with the sanding and had a few
places that were awful close to the raw level.
But they looked good so it was time for some lotion.
My wife being a Avon seller at the time which I trusted
100% went and got me the best lotion she sold.
Opened the tube up and slathered it on my left elbow
first. I noticed after a few seconds it was getting hot
but figured it was just the good sanding job I had done.
Put a big glob on the other elbow then started smelling
a funny smell like hair burning. Then it really started
getting hot on both elbows. Looked at the tube and it
read HAIR REMOVER..
Dammit woman!!  Washed them with cold water but
it didn't help much. On the bright side no more hair
around my elbows for a while.
How is this Valkyrie related...I rode afterwards and the
cool wind sure did feel good on my scorched elbows.


2nd incident I can only blame myself.
Sitting at the computer a couple years ago my eyes
started bothering me so I reached up for my Visine.
Opened it up held my left eye open and squeezed.
immediately it was like putting muratic acid on my
cursed eyeball. With me screaming in pain my wife
rushed over to see what I had done.
You put Dristan in your eye she said.. Dammit Boy.
Flushed with cool water for a while but like the elbows
it hurt for a while and turned cherry red.
After those two happenings I finally learned that really
valuable lesson..Always read the label.
The Valk couldn't help me on this one..

Memories...Sometime make me laugh.


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John Schmidt
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Posts: 15215


a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike

De Pere, WI (Green Bay)


« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2021, 06:36:27 PM »

Some years ago I was in the hospital for some surgery and it was a double room. Luckily the other gent didn't snore. I had asked for some Preparation H to smear on the incision to kinda draw it together and sooth a bit at the same time. A couple mornings after the surgery I awoke with an awful taste in my mouth so slowly climbed out of bed and headed for the communal sink. I didn't turn the light on so as to not awaken my roomie. I turned on the water, got out my toothbrush and squeezed some toothpaste onto the toothbrush....followed by vigorous brushing for about 5 seconds. Two tubes were laying on the sink; one of toothpaste, one of Preparation H. I didn't read the label either since it was rather dark in the room, but I'm here to tell you Preparation H is applied in the proper place because that's also how it tasted that morning.  Tongue
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klb
Member
*****
Posts: 761


Hickory nc


« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2021, 06:41:09 PM »

Some years ago I was in the hospital for some surgery and it was a double room. Luckily the other gent didn't snore. I had asked for some Preparation H to smear on the incision to kinda draw it together and sooth a bit at the same time. A couple mornings after the surgery I awoke with an awful taste in my mouth so slowly climbed out of bed and headed for the communal sink. I didn't turn the light on so as to not awaken my roomie. I turned on the water, got out my toothbrush and squeezed some toothpaste onto the toothbrush....followed by vigorous brushing for about 5 seconds. Two tubes were laying on the sink; one of toothpaste, one of Preparation H. I didn't read the label either since it was rather dark in the room, but I'm here to tell you Preparation H is applied in the proper place because that's also how it tasted that morning.  Tongue

 Grin  Thanks John..I was hoping I wasn't the only one that
has had what I call one of those moments.
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Valker
Member
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Posts: 2996


Wahoo!!!!

Texas Panhandle


« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2021, 06:56:33 PM »


2nd incident I can only blame myself.
Sitting at the computer a couple years ago my eyes
started bothering me so I reached up for my Visine.
Opened it up held my left eye open and squeezed.
immediately it was like putting muratic acid on my
cursed eyeball. With me screaming in pain my wife
rushed over to see what I had done.
You put Dristan in your eye she said.. Dammit Boy.
Flushed with cool water for a while but like the elbows
it hurt for a while and turned cherry red.
After those two happenings I finally learned that really
valuable lesson..Always read the label.

Yep. That little eyedrops shaped bottle of wart remover will rapidly let you know it weren't eyedrops either. uglystupid2
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I ride a motorcycle because nothing transports me as quickly from where I am to who I am.
klb
Member
*****
Posts: 761


Hickory nc


« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2021, 07:03:39 PM »





Yep. That little eyedrops shaped bottle of wart remover will rapidly let you know it weren't eyedrops either. uglystupid2
[/quote]

I bet so. I think Visine should have a bottle shaped like an
eyeball with a flat bottom with a picture of a red eye on it. Grin
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Jess from VA
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Posts: 30416


No VA


« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2021, 07:25:01 PM »

Never keep these two on the back of the toilet.





And then get really immersed in your reading material.

I mean, it needs to be clean, but not that clean.   (the lemon really doesn't help, even if it smells nice)

Now you know how the dog feels, dragging his ass across the livingroom carpet.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2021, 07:30:14 PM by Jess from VA » Logged
klb
Member
*****
Posts: 761


Hickory nc


« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2021, 07:38:12 PM »

Never keep these two on the back of the toilet.





And then get really immersed in your reading material.

I mean, it needs to be clean, but not that clean.   (the lemon really doesn't help, even if it smells nice)

Now you know how the dog feels, dragging his ass across the livingroom carpet.

 Grin  Being a smoker at the time I once brushed my teeth with
straight Clorox thinking it would whiten them.
All I got was red inflamed gums.. uglystupid2
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Jess from VA
Member
*****
Posts: 30416


No VA


« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2021, 08:13:30 PM »

How about sitting at the dinner table with the whole family and visiting grandma at about 5yo, and asking everyone what a turd is?

Hey dad, what's a turd?

Where did you hear that?

One of the older kids at the bus stop called me one, and I don't know what it is.


We didn't have any bad language in our house, but even grandma thought that was funny.

I had to wait until after dinner for an explanation though.

Dad said if I ever wanted to know what some word meant, dinner was not the time to ask.

I only got the bar of soap in the mouth one time (back then), but those words were worse than turd.  And I didn't know what they meant either, but I knew they were bad.  So there was mens rea (guilty knowledge) for criminal punishment.

« Last Edit: March 16, 2021, 08:17:35 PM by Jess from VA » Logged
klb
Member
*****
Posts: 761


Hickory nc


« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2021, 11:51:36 PM »

How about sitting at the dinner table with the whole family and visiting grandma at about 5yo, and asking everyone what a turd is?

Hey dad, what's a turd?

Where did you hear that?

One of the older kids at the bus stop called me one, and I don't know what it is.


We didn't have any bad language in our house, but even grandma thought that was funny.

I had to wait until after dinner for an explanation though.

Dad said if I ever wanted to know what some word meant, dinner was not the time to ask.

I only got the bar of soap in the mouth one time (back then), but those words were worse than turd.  And I didn't know what they meant either, but I knew they were bad.  So there was mens rea (guilty knowledge) for criminal punishment.



 Grin  There was a kid in my elementary school that a lot of other
kids called Dingleberrie. I never knew the true meaning of it
until I was in my 20's. Poor feller.

I once had the Ivory soap treatment after losing my mind and cursing
at home. Tasted 99.44% horrible.  Tongue
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Jess from VA
Member
*****
Posts: 30416


No VA


« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2021, 08:35:08 AM »

I've told this before here, but it's been a while.

Way back, I did hundreds of divorces (simple, basic, low cost, and almost all women clients).

We had multiple offices, so we took turns on court days; one friday a month, I'd be downtown Detroit doing 9-10 divorces.  Pro confesso, meaning one party, no dispute, just short 4-5 minute walk-throughs in front of a judge.

Most of the cases you'd have were taken in and worked up by other lawyers, so you had not met these people (women) before.  All lawyers were supposed to put notes in the file of anything out of the ordinary (I did, but they didn't).  So I'd look at my next file for Mrs Jones, and stand outside the courtroom and ask... Is Mrs Jones here?  And she'd raise her hand, and I'd give her a short prep on what to expect.

Ok, this is easy, all yes or no questions, except even in no-fault I have to ask the basic reason for the divorce.  Now really, it's no one's business, and you don't need to go into any detail or say anything embarrassing, just say you couldn't get along or were incompatible.  (A half dozen of my clients had been married to men who later decided they liked men and not women, and that is a story no woman likes to tell in a courtroom.)

So one day, my client is an older inner city black woman, and she looked like she'd had a hard life, and was not friendly at all.  I give her the talk, and then we go in to the courtroom.

When called, she takes the stand, is sworn in, and I run through the yes-no questions, no problem.

Then I ask her to turn to the judge and tell him why she wants a divorce, and she tells the judge.... Well, I shot the miserable sumbitch 6 times, and he didn't die.  (this is an absolutely true story)  See, it made complete sense to her, if he had died she wouldn't need a divorce.

With 40 lawyers and clients, the courtroom is never really quiet, and the judge is half asleep but suddenly you could hear a pin-drop, and the judge sits up in rapt attention.

I had no idea she would say this, but the judge is giving me the stink eye like I put her up to it.  

I have 50 questions, but I cannot ask one of them because I have no idea what she might say, under oath about attempted murder, arrest, statute of limitations, police reports, yada.  She is my client, and I owe her a fiduciary duty to protect her, and I also need to not lose my license to practice law for being a dumb ass by getting her to confess to attempted murder under oath in a courtroom.  By rights, the judge should have immediately read her her Miranda warnings, but didn't.  And I'm not going to.  

So long seconds go by in total silence while I try to figure out how to handle this.  So finally, I look at the judge and say... Well your honor, I'm satisfied there's been a breakdown in this particular marriage (laughter in the courtroom), do you have any further questions for my client?  He looks at her, and her great big purse on her lap (big enough to carry a full size 6 shot revolver; no magnetometers in those days), and he slides down in his chair and rolls all the way away from her and says.... No sir, I think you are right, I find that all details of the case are before the court, and I hereby order a final divorce. And he bangs the gavel down.

She's up and out a side door inside the bar, and I run out the back door to catch her and find out what the F happened with her shooting her husband 6 times, and she steps into an elevator, and the doors close, and I never see her again.

Well, that was different.

Then there was the stark naked hooker being perp walked down the crowded courthouse hallway one morning (not even shoes).  I'm waiting with another young client outside the courtroom, and tell the cops hey you should put a raincoat on her or something.  We did, but she don't want no raincoat.  She had stripped naked in front of a judge upstairs who immediately disqualified himself, and she was being taken to another judge for a criminal contempt hearing.  Buck naked.

There's more, but I'll spare you.  For now.    Grin    

 
« Last Edit: March 17, 2021, 09:07:31 AM by Jess from VA » Logged
DDT (12)
Member
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Posts: 4112


Sometimes ya just gotta go...

Winter Springs, FL - Occasionally...


« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2021, 10:41:37 AM »

Jess,

Dang, dude! That is a couple of seriously funny stories right there!!! I never knew lawyers had such interesting and entertaining jobs... You do get a unique perspective of the human condition and of our species generally, so I reckon you do see it all over time... Thanks for sharing those two slices of life at the courthouse! (Now I'm going to clean the spray from my laptop screen...)

DDT
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Don't just dream it... LIVE IT!

See ya down the road...
Jess from VA
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*****
Posts: 30416


No VA


« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2021, 11:19:25 AM »

Not all lawyers deal almost exclusively in human misery, screwups, drunkenness, punching and kicking, stealing, and felony stupid.  But some of us did.  Hey, I needed all the work I could get.

Ergo, this is why I joined the USAF Jag at 31 (as old as you could be without a waiver).

My fun meter got pegged.  

Not that some of the stupid (and funny) sh!t didn't continue in the Air Force.  

Me:  Why were you shooting your rifle (M16) out on the flightline?

Security cop:  There was a nice big fox out there I was trying to get.  Hey I wasn't on full auto or anything.

Me:   Forehead smack.  

« Last Edit: March 17, 2021, 11:22:47 AM by Jess from VA » Logged
Wizzard
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Posts: 4043


Bald River Falls

Valparaiso IN


« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2021, 11:23:45 AM »

Some years ago I was in the hospital for some surgery and it was a double room. Luckily the other gent didn't snore. I had asked for some Preparation H to smear on the incision to kinda draw it together and sooth a bit at the same time. A couple mornings after the surgery I awoke with an awful taste in my mouth so slowly climbed out of bed and headed for the communal sink. I didn't turn the light on so as to not awaken my roomie. I turned on the water, got out my toothbrush and squeezed some toothpaste onto the toothbrush....followed by vigorous brushing for about 5 seconds. Two tubes were laying on the sink; one of toothpaste, one of Preparation H. I didn't read the label either since it was rather dark in the room, but I'm here to tell you Preparation H is applied in the proper place because that's also how it tasted that morning.  Tongue

You ever wonder what happened to the poor saps that used preparation A through G ?
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