Went to b'fast with my daughter(doing fine following 3x bypass), granddaughter, & great granddaughter. Four generations in one booth, that little one is a cutey.
It gave me a chance to catch up on the local Gossip Gazette while eating, learned all about the latest items of interest. Seems old Louie had to buy a new/used horse since the old one died. Vet said it died of a broken back which is understandable...Louie and his honey Etta like to ride double and Etta always wanted to ride up front at the weakest point of the horse's back. There's a lot of woman in Etta but Louie loves her just the same, said he didn't like her much when they first met but "she grew on me." It appears so. Louie said she's the best thing that ever entered his life..."warm in the winter and shady in summer." Then there's old Henry Fenterville...locally known as "Hank"...big surprise there! Local circuit judge told him if he was caught just one more time he'd require him to register as a sex offender. Local buzz has it Hank didn't want to take any chances so last weekend he sold all his sheep. Further down the column was a note regarding Jimmy Slocum having an accident in the field. He was out plowing with his team of horses, walking along behind them when one of them farted in his face...short reins I guess. It caused Jimmy to stumble and jerk the reins on one side, causing the team to go in that direction. Poor old Jimmy was so confused he couldn't remember gee from haw and the horses ended up plowing a perfect figure 8 across all the furrows. Apparently he hasn't figured out how he's going to plant that field or how to harvest it. One thing all the folks in St. Elmo are happy about...the train is now running on time ever since old Granny Junkmeyer died. The town named her street after her...called Whistlestop Lane. Seems old granny had a thing for the engineer so when feeling a bit randy of an evening, she'd sit out by the tracks that went by her place, take her teeth out and let out a shrill whistle. First time she tried it with her teeth in and the train almost ran over them when she blew them out while sitting there. If the engineer heard that whistle, he'd stop...thereby making the train late for the next station, fortunately it wasn't a passerger train. I'm told it was just a 3-man crew; the engineer, fireman, and a conductor in the caboose. The fireman used the extra time to finish off his bottle of home brew and the conductor usually slept the entire trip. I didn't know they had conductors on freight trains! It became later and later as the years passed...until Granny did. Whereupon the engineer retired and the train again ran on time. The local police report was interesting. Tells of Bo Slocum, Jimmy's cousin, getting a fishing citation for fishing for everything out of season. The deputy got his first clue when Bo stopped him along the river road asking for some matches. Bo doesn't smoke...he dips and chews. I hear tell the deputy also took Bo's dynamite away from him. Seems Bo has been "fishing" from the bank lately since his fishing boat developed a major leak. Our waitress said she dated him for a while but broke it off, told us she thought he was dumber than a hunk of sod...then added "my apologies to sod." Said he once did a tune up on her car, turned out worse than before he started. Said it didn't have enough power to pull a greasy string out of a cat's ass.
Such is life in a small mid-America farming community. All seems a bit silly, even if poetic license is put to use. Just don't take away their flags, their guns, or their pickups.
