Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[da prez]

  Just got some John Wayne toilet paper.  It' rough . Its tough and it doesn't take crap from anyone.

                                       da prez

[ridingron]

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon valley.

[DIGGER]

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/VVeHho43G9WXYEu1/?mibextid=0VwfS7

[ridingron]

I hate when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after their kids.

[bassman]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I adore it. These were the golden days when humor didn't need to begin with a four-letter word or become political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless"with a big smile on his face

[da prez]

  Was and still is my favorite comedian. 

                                            da prez

[John Schmidt]

This from my granddaughter, Valerie(Val for short) in Florida where we stayed last Feb. & March...used their fully equipped RV parked in their side yard. I can always tell when she's attending a staff meeting cuz I start getting all kinds of goofy jokes in texts. This is one from today:

What do you call a person that won't fart in public?

A private tooter!

I texted back and said that makes her mother a master blaster. She later told me her boss fussed at her for giggling in the meeting...they've worked together for many years and apparently my jokes are shared with her. Val is a supervisor of one section, has worked for the VA for quite a while...now 45 and looking forward to retirement ASAP but has two teenage boys so no retirement for a while. Same thing for her husband who works for the county.

[signart]

Spell check is my worst enema

[John Schmidt]

I finally did it. Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!

[h13man]

Three couples are looking to join the local church and are talking with the pastor.
The pastor says, "In order to join our church, you'll need to show your devotion by abstaining from sex for a bit. Come back in a couple of weeks and we'll see how you did."
Two weeks later, and they're meeting again.
The pastor says, "Well, how'd you folks do?"
The first husband replies, "We've been married for almost 40 years, so the urge doesn't really come upon us that often. The last week, though, we were in the mood, but we got down on our knees and prayed, and got past it."
"Welcome to the church", the pastor says.
The second husband says, "My wife and I have been happily married for about 5 years, so we're still having fun. A few days after our last meeting, we were feeling frisky, but we got down on our knees and prayed, and made it through."
"Welcome to the church", the pastor replies.
The pastor looks at the third couple and asks, "How did you two do?"
They look at each other, and the husband replies, "Well, we're newlyweds. We made it through the first few ... hours. But we got down on our knees and prayed, and the moment passed. Unfortunately, a couple of days later, I saw my gorgeous wife bending over to get a can of peas off the bottom shelf, and we just couldn't stand it, so we dropped down on the floor right then and there and went at it."
"I'm sorry, my children, but I can't let you join the church at this time", the pastor says.
"That's alright, pastor", the husband says. "I've got a feeling we're not going to be too welcome at Walmart for a while, either."

[John Schmidt]

From my daughter Toni: I think we should refrain from calling coffee a "cup of joe"...out of respect for coffee. 

Guess I did bring her up right! 

[DIGGER]

On Facebook.....

Guy tries to order a pizza.....

Guy:  Is this Pizza Hut?
Computer:  No...this is Google. Google bought Pizza Hut a week ago.
Guy:  Ok...I want to order a pizza.
Computer:  Do you want your regular order of a large pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, and sausage toppings?
Guy: How did you know that?
Computer: Our data base shows that is what you ordered each time the last 7 pizzas you ordered.   However according to our data base you should be ordering our vegeterian pizza as  according to your medical records your colesterol is very high.   
Guy:  This is crazy!!!! I think I will leave the country and go live somewhere technology doesnt exist!!
Computer:  You might want to go renew your passport....it has been expired for 3 months.....

[DIGGER]

Ive been retired now almost 9 years.   My running buddy is same age and has been retired 8 years.
I called him this morning and he said " man....I started out with a bad dream last nite that got progressively worse and worse....I dreamed I was going around applying for jobs most of the night and then things got worse....one of the jobs I applied for hired me...."

[DIGGER]

Was watching Two blind guys in a fist fight today.....
You shoulda seen both of their faces when someone hollerd " my money is on the guy with the knife!!"

[DIGGER]

On Facebook....

Two ladies talking.  One had just come over to the other lady's house....

Visitor:  "How have you and your husband been doing?"
Home owner: " We have been doing fine lately."
Visitor:  "Where is your husband at?"
Homeowner:  "Oh, he is out in the garden"
Visitor:  "I didnt see him when I drove up."
Homeowner:  "You'd have to dig a little."

[ridingron]

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of the Senate and House of Representatives.

It will be named "The Congressman."

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

[DIGGER]

On Facebook.....a T-Shirt that says.....

"Man!!!...Your Harley is really Fast!!!
You were hauling ass when I passed
you!!"

[DIGGER]

On Facebook....

I asked my daughter to hand me the phone book.  She said "Dad...you are such a dinosaur " and handed me her IPhone.
Now......the spider is dead....the IPhone is broke...and my daughter is furious....

[DIGGER]

On Facebook....

My ducks are absolutely
not in a row...
I dont even know
where some of them are...
And Im pretty sure
one of them is a pigeon...

[DIGGER]

This morning I accidentally got my happy pills
and my pissed off pills mixed up and think
I took one of each.
Now Im really pissed off .....but Im happy about it.....

[LadyDraco]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, MOVES TO THE FIRST-CLASS SECTION, AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT A BLONDE BIMBO IS SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY-CLASS AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

[da prez]

  The rich heiress came home from a fund raiser.  She called for her servant.  
 Jeeves , take off my blouse.  Now, Jeeves tale off my skirt. Now take off my bra. Now Jeeves , take off my panties.  
  I have asked you before , not to wear my clothes.

                                                  da prez

[DIGGER]

Subject:  Deep Thoughts From An Old Timer

 

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

If you can't think of a word, just say, “I forgot the English word for it”.  That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

 I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.

My goal for this year was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

I may not be that funny, athletic, good-looking, smart, or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

 I love being old, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older . . this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember. . . Don't sing!

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to stand back up.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[FryeVRCCDS0067]

When I was little, Dad would take me and an old tire to a big hill South of town. I'd get in the tire and he'd roll me down the hill. Man, what fun.

Those were Goodyears.

[John Schmidt]

So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them! 

[John Schmidt]

Tips on how to fall asleep in a living room chair:
1. Be old.
2. Sit in a chair.

[0leman]

Tips on how to fall asleep in a living room chair:
1. Be old.
2. Sit in a chair.

3. Have a full stomach.

[Foozle]

So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them! 

Similarly:  I'm not conceited . . . though I have every right to be.

[Serk]

Q:   What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?



A:   The same middle name.


-------------------------------

"I was born a man, but I identify as a woman. Who are you to judge?"

...

"I identify as a judge."

[DIGGER]

 
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

[DIGGER]

Funnnniiiieee....

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/ij2L7koXDfLqYCHe/?mibextid=0VwfS7

[John Schmidt]

From Facebook:
My friend told me his kids had been asking to go to an "Escape Room." So he locked them in their rooms with a rotary phone, analog TV, a remote control, then wrote instructions in cursive on how to escape. He hasn't heard from them in three days and 18 hours. 

Along that same line, my son-in-law wrote a small grocery shopping list for his son and off he went. Half hour later his phone beeps..."dad, what's all this stuff, I can't read it...it doesn't make sense." It was in cursive...a test by dad. 

[LadyDraco]

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her
new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes
leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have
been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS.. Have I posted this already?

[Willow]

...
PS.. Have I posted this already?

I would tell you, Trace, but I honestly can't remember. 

[LadyDraco]

 

[Serk]

The fact that Keith Richards has outlived Richard Simmons really makes me question this "eating healthy, not drinking or smoking & exercise" thing.

[DIGGER]

The fact that Keith Richards has outlived Richard Simmons really makes me question this "eating healthy, not drinking or smoking & exercise" thing.

A hare that is very fast and energetic lives about 3-4 yrs
A tortus  that moves very slow lives over 100 yrs

[Cyclejohn]

Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.

Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion.

Gertrude immediately had a Stroke.

Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a Stroke.



But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and feebler than her friends,................ couldn't quite reach that far...

[John Schmidt]

From FarceBook: An oldie but goodie.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A heart warming story
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably not the same elephant.  

[DIGGER]

Funniiee....


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