Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

At the grocery store a little old lady in front of me
Bought $249.72 worth of groceries but her credit card declined.
I know that God will bless me for this.  It was a lot of groceries,
But I helped her put it all back.

[John Schmidt]

Ran across this on Youtube. Needless to say it cracked me up and brought back some memories. 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/bQbjutgprmA

[TrapperAH1G]

I'm at that awkward age......I still remember I forgot something.

[TrapperAH1G]

My housekeeping style can best be described as "There appears to have been a struggle."

I don't get near enough credit for things I manage NOT to say.

I got a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a Life I'll know right away.

A Police Officer came by my house today and asked me where I was between 5 and 6....he seemed irritated when I answered "kindergarten".

Mother to daughter:  "Honey, your job as a woman is to notice when a man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsence!"

My new girlfriend and I were traveling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tire.  So I called my parents and said, "Sorry Mom, we're going to be late.  My girlfriend's got a puncture!"  "Oh!"  she sighed, "I thought you had a real one this time!"

I want to go on a diet but I feel like I have too much on my plate right now.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Question.....is Trump Derangement Syndrome covered under Obamacare?

I had a thought, but unfortunately, I had a second thought.  They richocheted off each other and I can't fine either one!

[DIGGER]

My life is an open book...
Its poorly written ....
And I die in the end...

[HayHauler]

This one is bad..........  I will show myself out...............

A patient asks his doctor, "Doctor, is there sex after death?"
The doctor replies, "That really depends on your pathologist."


Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

I saw a crime being committed at an Apple store.
I was an iwitness.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[HayHauler]

Before being domesticated by humans, horses made multiple attempts at governing themselves.
Unfortunately, they all failed. In every vote the neighs won.

Hay 
Jimmyt

[John Schmidt]

It's snowing out, both cars are in the garage and we're nice and cozy. So Nancy asked what I planned to do today, I told her nothing. She teased..."that's all you did yesterday." Told her "it's a big job and I didn't get done."