Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

Touring guide for North
Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.

4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.

7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

And, that thar's the way it is. 

Living in Houston that info is just about right so yall oughta listen up. 

[Tazman11]

18 pounds at birth...!

A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 18 pounds, but the man just shrugs and says, "Aye, that's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

Two weeks later the Scot returns to the same bar where the bartender asks, "say, aren't you the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 18 pounds at birth...? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "14 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 18 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Glenfiddich, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...
"We had him circumcised."

[Serk]

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is sir.

[DIGGER]

Texan in a high dollar fancy restaurant.   After the meal the Waiter comes over and asks "Well sir....how did you find your steak?"
The Texan says " Well...I just moved that french fry over and thar she was."

[DIGGER]

He's My Brother.....

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked
out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're
for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if
you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either."

[DIGGER]

From Phylis Diller....

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk
and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. 

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

[DIGGER]

LATER IN LIFE

 
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

 I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

 I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes . . . so she hugged me.

 My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else . . .

 At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

 I thought growing old would take longer.

 I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.

 The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and laughed . . . I need bail money.

 I think the reason we are born with two hands is so we can pet two dogs at once.

 Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

 Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

 The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys and phone.

 A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.

 .... did I roll my eyes out loud?

 Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

 Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

 If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're having a staff meeting.

 I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

 Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

 My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

 I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

 Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

 Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

 I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

 Measure once, cuss twice.

 My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

 THINK! (It's not illegal.... YET)

 I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.

 The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with unconditional love.

 Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home.

 I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me

 If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds!

 

[DIGGER]

Thank God its not snowing......
Can you imagine shoveling snow in this heat?

[DIGGER]

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

 Answer :
Princess Diana's death.

 Question : How come?

 Answer :An English Princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk on
Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
Challenge the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

 This is
sent to you by a Canadian, using
American, Bill Gates' technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a
Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers, in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked
by Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by
Mexicans Who are in the US Illegally.

That, my friends, is

 Globalization!

 

[RP#62]

A guy I used to work with had this plaque on his office wall:

Heaven is where:
 the police are British,
 the cooks are French,
 the mechanics German,
 the lovers Italian,
 and it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where:
 the chefs are British,
 the mechanics French,
 the lovers Swiss,
 the police German,
 and it is all organized by the Italians.


-RP

[GWS]

So the kids in my town are getting high on brake fluid. I don't know if they're sniffing it, drinking it, or injecting it., but it's the new fad. The parents are worried sick, but the kids are telling them "Hey, it's brake fluid. You can stop any time you want."

[DIGGER]

A seatbelt wont save your life
If it's God's will that you die in an auto accident.....
But...it sure will save you a lot of pain
If all He was trying to do was wreck your car.

[bassman]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, " Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, " well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat-room. Then I set up a date via E-mail with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, " You've got male!"

[Serk]

A German got pulled over by the police in France.

Police Officer: "Name?"
German: "Heinrich Klimt"
Police Officer: "Age?"
German: "31"
Police Officer: "Occupation?"
German: "No, no. Just visiting."

[DIGGER]

Husband calling police.....
Husband:  "My wife has been missing for over 48 hrs now"
Police:  ok....let me get a description...how tall is she?
Husband:  I dont know....somewhere around 5'11" or so
Police: weight?
Husband:  I'm not sure...somewhere around 140 lbs or so.
Police:  color of eyes?
Husband: I think they are brownish.
Police:  what was she wearing?
Husband: shorts I think....maybe a tank top.
Police: what was she driving?
Husband: A 1998 Honda Valkyrie motorcycle with 6 cylinders and 6 carburetors. 1540 cc  Black with red trim....Kuriakin chrome bar backs and floor boards and highway pegs.  Chrome luggage rack and Cobra 6 exhaust pipes, car tire on the back with Dunlop front tire.  Tourer model with Interstate tank.  Has 100,342 miles on speedo.  Has a small dent on left side of front fender from a rock I hit.....
(Husband starts choking up)
Police:  It's gonna be ok sir, we will find your motorcycle.

[da prez]

Digger , I choked on that one.

         da prez

[DIGGER]

 
 Lesson Learned
 
  At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”
 
“Yes, coach,” replied the little boy.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together, as a team?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, or curse, or attack the umpire, or call him a jerk,
Do you understand all that?”
 
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, we don’t call that 'a dumb-butt decision' or that it means that the coach is 'a sh*#thead', right??”
“Yes, coach.”
“Good”, said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

[Willow]

A little girl down the street was having the celebration of her third birthday.  It reminded me of a story I heard long ago.

A man was released from prison after almost twenty years.  Once out the gate he began running down the street waving his arms and shouting, "I'm free!  I'm free!  I'm free!"

He was met by a young boy who looked at him with disdain and said, "So what?  I'm four."

[John Schmidt]

Two little boys were sitting at the curb with a bottle of some liquid, and were pouring a portion of it into a second bottle. Their preist walked by and asked what they were up to, so they explained just playing with some turpentine. The preist cautioned them about playing with that then told them just last week he put some holy water on a woman's belly and she passed a baby. One little boy piped up and said well just yesterday we put some of this on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle.

[Willow]

Two little boys were sitting at the curb with a bottle of some liquid, and were pouring a portion of it into a second bottle. Their preist walked by and asked what they were up to, so they explained just playing with some turpentine. The preist cautioned them about playing with that then told them just last week he put some holy water on a woman's belly and she passed a baby. One little boy piped up and said well just yesterday we put some of this on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle.

i before e ...

[Serk]

Two little boys were sitting at the curb with a bottle of some liquid, and were pouring a portion of it into a second bottle. Their preist walked by and asked what they were up to, so they explained just playing with some turpentine. The preist cautioned them about playing with that then told them just last week he put some holy water on a woman's belly and she passed a baby. One little boy piped up and said well just yesterday we put some of this on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle.

i before e ...

[Robert]

I put my grandmother on speed dial.I call it "insta-gram."

[Serk]

Sisyphus: Whisky.

Bartender: On the rocks?

Sisyphus: Buddy, it's been a long day and I am not in the mood.

[DIGGER]

I put my grandmother on speed dial.I call it "insta-gram."

Cute...ha

[da prez]

A big time attorney boards the airplane with a large box. It's to big for the overhead. He says to the blond stewardess,  these are very expensive crabs . I expect you to clear out the fridge and take care of them
 I hope you are smart enough to do as you are told. Nothing better happen to them or I will sue you and the airlines.
  She takes the box and goes to the gallery.
  They arrive at the destination and she gets on the loud speaker , will the attorney who gave me the crabs please hold up your hand. No reply so she shared  a nice dinner with her boyfriend. 
  Not all blonds are , blond.

          da prez
 ,

[John Schmidt]

Two little boys were sitting at the curb with a bottle of some liquid, and were pouring a portion of it into a second bottle. Their preist walked by and asked what they were up to, so they explained just playing with some turpentine. The preist cautioned them about playing with that then told them just last week he put some holy water on a woman's belly and she passed a baby. One little boy piped up and said well just yesterday we put some of this on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle.

i before e ...

Umph...ya got me. I actually had to read through it twice before I caught it, please don't tell any of the dozens of auditors in Fla. whose files I reviewed before sending them out. 

PS:  I'm leaving it as is just because I'm obstinate...among other things. 

[DIGGER]

Just remember.....

If you lose a sock in the dryer.....
It comes back as a tupperware lid that doesnt fit any of your containers

[DIGGER]

I dont know the key to happiness.....
But I'll tell you what.....
I've never been unhappy at a Mexican Food Restaurant....

[ridingron]

Me either. However, I have been unhappy a few hours later.

[DIGGER]

A preacher is on a hunting trip when he encounters a grizzly bear up close.  The grizzly comes running at the preacher in a feroscius charge.   The preacher falls to his knees and starts praying for his life.  He says "oh Lord let this bear be a Christian bear".  The bear charges up and throws the preacher to the ground....gets down on his knees.....and prays...."Oh Lord I thank you for this meal You have provided me."

[Grandpot]

Did you know that on
the Canary Islands
there is not one canary?.....
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing....Not one
canary there either.

I've had a lot of fun with this joke at the American Legion.  It's not a dirty joke unless the audience makes it so.

[Willow]

Converting a Bear

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. ... 

Are we recycling?  Reply #493  A rabbi, priest, and a preacher ...

Have we already run out of material?

[Serk]

Converting a Bear

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. ... 

Are we recycling?  Reply #493  A rabbi, priest, and a preacher ...

Have we already run out of material?

Or maybe Rams' humour is operating at a whole new meta level, and repeating the joke IS the joke?

[John Schmidt]

Monday starts diarrhea awareness week...   

Runs until Friday!   

[signart]

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. ...  [/quote]

O.K.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into this BBQ joint.

The End.

[Serk]

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into this BBQ joint.

I was well into my 40's before I realized that "This Little Piggy" that "went to the market" wasn't going shopping.....

[Willow]

I was well into my 40's before I realized that "This Little Piggy" that "went to the market" wasn't going shopping..... 

What!??  Tell me it's not true!     This little piggy rhyme wasn't just about that tribe from which three little piggies went out to build their houses?   

[Valkorado]

I was well into my 40's before I realized that "This Little Piggy" that "went to the market" wasn't going shopping.....

Where's do you think the little piggy was getting roast beef?

[John Schmidt]

Good one Rams, reminded me of my four girls. Only one prospective son-in-law didn't ask me in person for my daughter's hand, he was in the Navy and 'twas a bit difficult aboard ship in the middle of the Pacific. 

[RP#62]

How many copy editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.



-RP