Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[POPS 57]

A flush beats a full house.

[da prez]

Delivering yesterday's lunch.

        da prez

[NewValker]

What u 8

Craig

[DIGGER]

It started out a warm, sultry morning full of promise and excitement. I showered, shaved, styled my hair and put on some cologne.

Put on some fresh pressed slacks and a freshly ironed shirt. I stepped out and got on the Valkyrie I detailed yesterday and headed down to the Gainsville, Women Prison.

Yep, my first conjugal visit.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out I had to know one of the prisoners. It was a long frustrating ride home.

 

Now that there is funny....

[bassman]

 COSTELLO:  I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
 
ABBOTT: Good Subject.  Terrible Times.  It's 3.6%.
 
COSTELLO:  That many people are out of work?
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
 
COSTELLO: You just said 3.6%.
 
ABBOTT:  3.6% Unemployed.
 
COSTELLO:  Right 3.6% out of work.
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
 
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's  23% unemployed.
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 3.6%.
 
COSTELLO:WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 3.6% or 23%?
 
ABBOTT: 3.6% are unemployed.  23% are out of work.
 
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
 
ABBOTT:No, Biden said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
 
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
 
COSTELLO:  What point?
 
ABBOTT:Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work.  It wouldn't be fair.
 
COSTELLO: To whom?
 
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
 
ABBOTT:No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.
Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
 
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
 
COSTELLO:The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
 
ABBOTT:Absolutely it goes  down. That's how it gets to 3.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
 
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
 
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
 
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
 
ABBOTT: Correct.
 
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
 
ABBOTT: Bingo.
 
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
 
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.
 
COSTELLO:  I don't even know what the hell I just said!
 
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Biden.
 
 

[Robert]

[DIGGER]

Brian lives in California. He was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brian drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

 

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brian from the car.

 A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

[John Schmidt]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high…she looked surprised! 

[ridingron]

I was at McDonald's when order 867 was called out. I called out 5309 and nobody laughed. I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

[ridingron]

My wife sent me a text, your great!

So naturally I text back, no, you're great.

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was correcting her grammar or just let it go?

[ridingron]

A friend of mine had his big dog in a sidecar at a traffic light guy pulls up along side him and says that's an ugly girlfriend. My friend told him it was his seeing eye dog. The guy apologized.

[bassman]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen a $20 bill all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly pulled out a crumpled $20 bill from her bra. He took the bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen a $50 bill all crumpled up?”

“Uh, no, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her sheer undies and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill.
 
He took the bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said ever so softly, “Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

“No!” he answered trying hard to hide his arousal.

She replied, “Then go check the garage!”

[DIGGER]

We might be old.....

But we had great hair,
Listened to cool music,
And drove great cars

[DIGGER]

Two old ladies talking....

1st old lady..."You know...At Christmas I send each of my grandchildren a generous check for Christmas and I never get a 'Thank You', a visit, or even a phone call from any of them"

2nd old lady...."I also give all my grandchildren a generous check for Christmas.   Each of them calls and thanks me and they each come by and see me."

1st old lady...."That is so nice of them.   You really raised them to respect and love you."

2nd old lady...."No...I just dont sign the checks..."

[DIGGER]

To all those politically verbal athletes....

If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball
I would ask my dog

[DIGGER]

Doctor walking into exam room to give test results to cross dresser.....

Doctor...."morning Sir"
Patient..."its 'Maam' Doc"
Doctor...."Ok....Maam...you have prostate cancer."

[DIGGER]

Doctor and very pregnant young lady in exam room...

Pregnant woman..."Well Doctor is it a boy or girl?"
Doctor....."we will have to wait and let the kindergarten teacher decide."

[DDT (12)]

I'm so out of step with modernity... I've never been confused at all throughout my entire male, heterosexual life... Of course, I didn't grow up in enlightened times either...

DDT

[DIGGER]

In this crazy world.....  why do we park our expensive cars in the driveway and put useless junk in our garage?

Why do drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back to get prescriptions and sell cigarettes to the healthy at the front of the store.....

Why do banks leave their vault doors open...then chain their pens to the counter?

Why dont you ever see the headlines "Psychic Wins Lottery!!"

Why is the man who invests all you money called a "Broker?"

Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitos?

If flying is so safe why do they call the airport the "terminal?"

[F6BANGER]

I told my Therapist I was hearing voices. He said "You dont have a therapist".

[ridingron]

That's a good one!!   

[da prez]

 A bear was chasing a rabbit for dinner. A magic frog saw them , got them to stop. The frog told them if you will become peaceful , I will grant you each three wishes.
 The bear went first. I want all the other bears in the forest to be females. Done said the frog. The rabbit wanted a motorcycle helmet. Done said the frog.  The bear next wished for all the bears in this state to be females. Done said the frog. The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle that used no fuel. Done said the frog. The bear then wished for all the bears in the northern continent to be females. Done said the frog.
 The rabbit gets on the motorcycle and the frog says , rabbit , you have one more wish.
  The rabbit says ," I want that bear to be gay" , as he rode off on his motorcycle.

                                                        da prez 

[Serk]

"No thanks..... I'm a vegetarian......"






.....is a really fun thing to say whenever someone hands you a baby.

[Robert]

[Serk]

Life really is all about perspective.

I've got a friend who has sex two to three times a day, exercises twice a day, reads at least two books a week and yet he constantly complains about how much he hates being in prison.

[DIGGER]

Threw out my back sleeping...
Tweaked my neck sneezing...
So I'm just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

[DIGGER]

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I get to the end and think...
"Well, that's not going to happen!..."

[DIGGER]

Scrabble......(I liked 'Mother in Law')

 

PRESBYTERIAN  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
BEST IN PRAYER

 

ASTRONOMER  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
MOON STARER

 

DESPERATION  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
A ROPE ENDS IT

 

THE EYES  :       
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

 

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE  :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

 

 
DORMITORY    :   
When you rearrange the letters:   
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES  :
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS  :
When you rearrange the letters:       
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 

SNOOZE ALARMS  :
When you rearrange the letters:       
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

 

A DECIMAL POINT  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 

THE EARTHQUAKES  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO  :
When you rearrange the letters:   
TWELVE PLUS ONE

 


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW  :
When you rearrange the letters:       
WOMAN HITLER

[DIGGER]

Puns....

1). The fattest knight at the roundtable was Sir Cumference.  
      He acquired his size from too much pi.

2).  Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organization.

3).  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger and
      bigger.....
      Then it hit me.

4).  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said.
       "Keep Off The Grass".

5).  When Cannibals ate a missionary....they got a taste of
       religion.

6).  The soldier who survived "Mustard Gas" and "Pepper Spray"
       Is now a seasoned veteran."

[DIGGER]

Did a little mechanic work today......
Put a rear end in a recliner....

[John Schmidt]

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
...
You really didn't believe that I knew anything about penguins, did you?

 

Hey...they don't roll the dead one into the hole, they kick him in the icehole! 

[John Schmidt]

My 5 yr. younger sister was generally a major PITA most of her life, had dad wrapped around her little finger. She went out of her way to be a pain in my life, doing her best to belittle me in front of my friends. At her b'day party one year she was carrying on about her "dumb big brother" and how she could always outsmart him(me). I finally asked her how much she had in her "piggy bank" and was told it was a goodly amount. So, I suggested a contest that included betting her bank against mine, she jumped at it since she knew mine was a larger figure than hers by quite a margin. The rules naturally had to be something both of us could do so I suggested I could jump over a pencil whereas she couldn't. She laughed at her big dumb brother...and agreed. I jumped over the pencil first with no problem, then it was her turn. The pencil was only about 3" long so I placed it in the corner...then told her to jump. It was the one time dad took my side and made her pay off. Oooh...the pain, the wailing, the tears...but best of all the humiliation in front of her friends. She didn't speak to me for nearly a month, some of the best years of my life. 

[Willow]

We were sitting in the hospital waiting room.  Across from where we were was a unisex restroom.  Outside the door was a sign that read: CAUTION: WET FLOOR.

I turned to my wife and observed, "It appears the toilet isn't working."

[Serk]

We were sitting in the hospital waiting room.  Across from where we were was a unisex restroom.  Outside the door was a sign that read: CAUTION: WET FLOOR.

I turned to my wife and observed, "It appears the toilet isn't working."

Wife says to her COBOL programmer husband: "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

[Willow]

We were sitting in the hospital waiting room.  Across from where we were was a unisex restroom.  Outside the door was a sign that read: CAUTION: WET FLOOR.

I turned to my wife and observed, "It appears the toilet isn't working."

Wife says to her COBOL programmer husband: "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

LOL!  For what it's worth I was originally an assembly language programmer.  I did teach COBOL and Fortran at the college level.  The closing thirty-seven years of my career I was what we called a systems programmer; some later called that systems engineer.

The if-then logic interpretation does apply to real programmers.   

[Serk]

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

[DIGGER]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly

Jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

[da prez]

Digger , you are sick.  Love you.

         da prez

[DIGGER]

I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up....
You see....I just got a new voice activated phone
and everytime I yell "Dumbass" it calls you

[John Schmidt]

A Texas midget goes to see his doctor, complaining of an ache in his belly. It often makes him feel a bit nauseous, horrible headaches, backaches, difficulty peeing, the whole nine yards. Dr. asks him to drop his pants, first checks his testicles then checks each side with the old "turn your head and cough" routine. He then puts the midget on the table and asks him to lay back, grabs some scissors and snips away. The sound scares the midget but he feels nothing. Dr. sets him back down, tells him to pull up his pants and walk around the room. The midget is amazed...there's no pain and he feels great relief so asked the doctor what he did to his package that was so miraculous. The doctor said "no big deal, I just cut 2" off the top of your cowboy boots."