Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[DIGGER]

A Texas midget goes to see his doctor, complaining of an ache in his belly. It often makes him feel a bit nauseous, horrible headaches, backaches, difficulty peeing, the whole nine yards. Dr. asks him to drop his pants, first checks his testicles then checks each side with the old "turn your head and cough" routine. He then puts the midget on the table and asks him to lay back, grabs some scissors and snips away. The sound scares the midget but he feels nothing. Dr. sets him back down, tells him to pull up his pants and walk around the room. The midget is amazed...there's no pain and he feels great relief so asked the doctor what he did to his package that was so miraculous. The doctor said "no big deal, I just cut 2" off the top of your cowboy boots." 

 

[John Schmidt]

Read this to Nancy who's sitting behind me on the couch. She got a chuckle out of it, then added..."I'm not dyeing my hair brown though." She's a natural blonde, but these days only due to Revlon ColorSilk #81. 

[Willow]

Checking my pulse (The pissing on the fence was humorous.).

[Grey wolf oz]

So,, i wanna say “this old dude “ but i feel its getting close to home now .,.,.,

A guys comes off the farm and goes to his Dr

“Dr i am having a dam awful time getting things moving you know “

The dr says

“No problem get this script filled and follow the directions and see me in 7 days “

Guy ambles off


A week later he comes back

Dr


“Sooo how are things ?”

He says
“Mate i got the tablets,

They didn’t work “

Dr

“Did you follow the instructions ?”

“Mate i put then in the back passage, in the drive way , the hall the laundry the kitchen i ran out but for all the good, i may as well have put them in my ass for all the good they did !! “

[DIGGER]

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me....
My arms for always being by my side....
And for my fingers...I could always count on them.

[Grey wolf oz]

So,, i wanna say “this old dude “ but i feel its getting close to home now .,.,.,

A guys comes off the farm and goes to his Dr

“Dr i am having a dam awful time getting things moving you know “

The dr says

“No problem get this script filled and follow the directions and see me in 7 days “

Guy ambles off


A week later he comes back

Dr


“Sooo how are things ?”

He says
“Mate i got the tablets,

They didn’t work “

Dr

“Did you follow the instructions ?”

“Mate i put then in the back passage, in the drive way , the hall the laundry the kitchen i ran out but for all the good, i may as well have put them in my ass for all the good they did !! “

Took me a a couple of readings to follow that one, different pronouns terms than what I'm used to.  
Thanks for posting.  

Rams

Well you might have some Aussie speak in there ,.,.,  results may vary

[Serk]

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That's impressive, you're hired.

Interviewee: Thanks, I really need this Yob!

[da prez]

 So the farm boy goes on a date to the county fair with the farm girl.
 They get there and he ask's what she would like to do. "Get weight , she says".
 So he takes her to a guess your weight.  They then get some fair food.
 Now what do you want to do he ask's.  'Get weight , she say's".
  So he finds another guess your weight. I guess she watches her weight.
 After this , he takes her home. Did you have a good time , he ask's.
   Wousey ,she repied.

                                                 da prez

[Serk]

I think the most unsettling part of that song "Born to be Wild" is when they found a head out on the highway.

[da prez]

 So the circus advertised for a lion tamer. Only two people showed up. A cowboy in his 60's and a younger woman..
  The ringmaster said the lion is a killer as he ate the last trainer. If you wish to continue , you can try for the job.  The woman said I will go first. She entered the cage and the lion was released after she was inside. As it ran towards her , she opened her coat and was nude. The lion stopped in front of her and started licking her from her feet to her head. It then lay down at her feet.
  The ringmaster looked at the cowboy and asked , can you do better?  Yeep , just get that cat out of there and let me at her.

                                                         da prez

[DIGGER]

Me:  "Please bring me a screwdriver."
Wife:  "Flathead, phillips, or vodka?"
Me:  "Thats when I knew.....she's the one...."

[Serk]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies "I don't think I am."
...and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think; therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[John Schmidt]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
The horse replies "I don't think I am."
...and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think; therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Hey Serk, this is going to be a good day...I got it at the first reading and I haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet. 

[DIGGER]

https://youtu.be/ZWlujDKZn_E

[Serk]

My horse will only come out of her stable when it gets dark.

...it's becoming a night mare.

[RNFWP]

[DIGGER]

I just saved $26,000 on a new battery for my car.....cause it runs on gas...

[Robert]

[John Schmidt]

Wonder how Brucie will react if he gets prostate cancer. 

[RNFWP]

Found this elsewhere...

"The enthusiasm and confidence you bring to the table is rivaled only by the impressive consistency with which you are totally [expletive] wrong."
   -Socrates, probably 

[DIGGER]

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.  He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.  As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.  He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.  He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't.  I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him.  "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.  I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?

[DIGGER]

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In three generations, there will be no more Democrats.

[John Schmidt]

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In three generations, there will be no more Democrats.

Those are the most encouraging words I've ever heard for my great grandchildren and beyond. 

[DIGGER]

Never iron a four leaf clover.....
You don't want to press your luck.

Without freedom of speech we would never know who the idiots are.

Good moms let you lick the beaters.....
Great moms turn them off first.

[ridingron]

Uncle Danothy called me last night wanting to go bar hopping.

First bar we walked into we noticed a large pickle jar on the counter full of $10 bills. At least $10,000. Uncle D asked the bartender, “What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"

“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.”

“Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

“Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that.
 
Uncle Danothy handed the bartender $10, grabbed the bottle with both hands and drank it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down both cheeks -- but he didn’t  make a face -- and he drank it in 48 seconds!

He staggered out the back door where the pit bull was chained to a pole. Inside the bar we heard loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
About the time I thought he was dead, he staggered back into the bar. His clothes were ripped to shreds and he was bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

Uncle Danothy drunkenly said, “Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Serk]

An orange robed Asian monk opened a tub of margarine and saw the face of Jesus...

....he exclaimed "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

[RP#62]

During the French revolution, a priest, a doctor and an engineer were about to be executed on the guillotine.  The executioner asked the priest whether he would prefer to be executed face up or face down.  The priest said I would like to be face up so I can see heaven when I die.  The doctor and the engineer agreed.  So the priest is up first.  The executioner pulls the release and the blade falls about halfway and then jams in the tracks and stops.  The executioner says it is an act of God, so we must release him, and the priest goes on his way.  Next, the doctor is up.  The executioner pulls the release and the same thing happens - the blade jams in the tracks about halfway down and stops.  Again, it is ruled an act of God and the doctor is set free.  Finally, the engineer is up.  The executioner just starts to pull the release and the engineer yells wait!  I see what's wrong.


-RP

[DIGGER]

My girlfriend said "Let me see your phone....I want to look at something..."
I gave her a weird look and said "Honey....I don't even let my wife do that."

[DIGGER]

An apple a day will keep anyone away............
If you throw it hard enough...

[DIGGER]

My wife and I agreed to never go to bed angry.....
We have been awake since last Thursday....

[f6gal]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Hairist!

[Cracker Jack]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night
."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the IGA grocery store and asked.
“What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1,898.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

What happened to the other $ 100.00?

[John Schmidt]

A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili. The waitress tells him "I'm sorry but the man next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees the other man has finished his meal but the bowl of chili is still full. So he asks him "are you going to eat that chili?" The other man says "no, by all means, help yourself" and slides the bowl over. The man starts to eat and it's delicious, the best chunky chili he's had in a long time. When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something. Surprised, he looks down and sees a dead mouse in the bowl and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other man says "yeah, that's about as far as I got too!"   

[f6gal]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night
."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the IGA grocery store and asked.
“What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1,898.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

What happened to the other $ 100.00?

They paid $100 for the mule.

[Cracker Jack]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Hearald-Citizen in Cookeville, Tn.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night
."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the IGA grocery store and asked.
“What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $1,898.00
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.
So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Vote Count, Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

What happened to the other $ 100.00?

They paid $100 for the mule.

Duh!!

[DIGGER]

Went "Line Dancing" last night.....
Well...actually it was a roadside sobriety test....same thing...

[DIGGER]

The three hardest things to say are....

1). I was wrong

2). I need help

3). Worcestershire Sauce

[John Schmidt]

RAms, that joke reminds me of when my 1st wife and I lived in Downers Grove, IL, a western suburb of Chicago. Depending on my work schedule working for Xerox, I would take the train into the office which was in the Loop, my wife always took the train. One day we were going to get on further back due to where that end usually stopped when in the station...more convenient access to our destination from there. Problem was, you were having to get on from ground level, not the elevated station platform. Back then my wife looked really good in a tight skirt, but that caused issues on that day due to the first high step. Having four brothers, she was quite good at compromising so just grabbed her skirt and pulled it up well above the knees, showing a goodly amount of thigh in the process. There were no whistles heard, just appreciative applause from all those behind us and half the car we entered. That was the last time she decided to enter the train near the back unless she had on a pant-suit or similar. 

[da prez]

So we are in the barracks in basic training.  The drill sergeant comes in and screams , all you motherless sons of an ugly pig line up outside in formation.
 The barracks empties in a thunderous roar. I'm laying on my bunk reading. The DI walks up and says , so what are you doing here.
 I said , there were a lot of them , weren't there.

                        da prez

[DIGGER]

You want to see social distancing?......
Loan somebody some money.