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« Reply #600 on: February 07, 2023, 01:40:10 PM » |
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My wife just stopped and said "You aren't even listening are you!!"
I thought....now thats a wierd way to start a conversation.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #601 on: February 07, 2023, 01:48:47 PM » |
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Angry wife to husband.....
Your dinner is on page 34 in the recipe book....
The ingredients are at the store...
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DIGGER
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« Reply #602 on: February 08, 2023, 07:35:21 AM » |
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I was at my daughters home last nite and I asked her"do you have a newspaper?"
She replied, "this is modern times Dad....we dont have newspapers....here use my ipad."
I gaurantee you that poor fly didnt stand a chance.....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #603 on: February 09, 2023, 06:33:25 PM » |
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If money cant buy happiness.....
How do you explain motorcycles and beer?
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Serk
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« Reply #605 on: February 10, 2023, 07:23:36 AM » |
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Guy takes his girlfriend to the Superbowl. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, he asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away...  IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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ridingron
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« Reply #606 on: February 10, 2023, 06:21:16 PM » |
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Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldn't put three W's in a row. Where does that put the Bills? ( Boy I Like Losing Super Bowls). |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #607 on: February 11, 2023, 11:46:59 AM » |
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My face in the mirror isnt wrinkled or drawn,
My house isnt dirty and the cobwebs are gone,
My garden looks lovely...and so does my lawn,
I think I might never put my glasses back on!!
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Serk
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« Reply #608 on: February 11, 2023, 05:22:34 PM » |
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Met my daughter's teacher tonight.
It was heartbreaking. She was working at her second job.
Teachers are the most underpaid, underappreciated, yet most valuable people in the world!
So anyway, I gave her $50 for a lap dance, so I'm helping...
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Never ask a geek 'Why?',just nod your head and slowly back away... IBA# 22107 VRCC# 7976 VRCCDS# 226 1998 Valkyrie Standard 2008 Gold Wing Taxation is theft. μολὼν λαβέ |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #609 on: February 11, 2023, 05:53:45 PM » |
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Met my daughter's teacher tonight.
It was heartbreaking. She was working at her second job.
Teachers are the most underpaid, underappreciated, yet most valuable people in the world!
So anyway, I gave her $50 for a lap dance, so I'm helping...
Fuuunnniiieeeee |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #610 on: February 16, 2023, 06:20:13 PM » |
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At a dance hall a group of single ladies was watching a guy standing on the edges of the dance floor watching people dance. The group of ladies went over and introduced themselves and one of the ladies asked the man if he would dance with her. The man shyly said "Maam....you dont want to get tied up with me as I just got out of prison after serving 20 yrs there." The lady said " My goodness....what on earth did you do?" The man said "I murdered my wife." The lady exclaimed "Sooooo....you are single are you!!!"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #611 on: February 17, 2023, 05:39:07 AM » |
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When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolates and sweets.
Why?
Because "stressed" spelt backwards is "desserts"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #612 on: February 17, 2023, 05:40:58 AM » |
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An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.
A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.
She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director.
When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers.
She explained, "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #613 on: February 18, 2023, 09:26:51 AM » |
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Researchers have found what they think is Jimmy Buffets "last shaker of salt".
It was reported missing in 1977. Some people claim there was "a woman to blame".
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« Last Edit: February 18, 2023, 09:29:51 AM by DIGGER »
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bassman
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« Reply #614 on: February 21, 2023, 06:08:28 AM » |
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A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,
'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #615 on: February 22, 2023, 06:37:53 PM » |
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A new young reporter was given his first assignment...that was to interview the oldest man in town, Mr. Brown. The reporter goes and knocks on the door and Mr. Brown answered, after esplaining the reason for his visit the reporter was invited in. He got right to the subject at hand; "Mr. Brown, would you mind telling me how old you are?" Mr. B answered "I'm 98." "So Mr. Brown, to what do you attribute your longevity?" Mr. B answered "I don't smoke, don't drink, don't carouse around with women, and..." about then there was a loud thump from upstairs like someone falling. The reporter asked what that noise was and Mr. B answered "that's just dad, he's drunk again."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #616 on: February 23, 2023, 06:09:57 PM » |
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I hate it when Doctors ask questions like "Are you sexually active"?
Depends on what you call "active".
There are lots of "Active" volcanoes that havent gone off in over 50 years.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #617 on: February 23, 2023, 06:16:17 PM » |
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I cant afford an "Ancestry DNA Kit " to learn about my relatives so I posted "Online" that I had won the lottery.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #618 on: February 24, 2023, 06:09:07 AM » |
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When old people say " Enjoy them while they are young" they are talking about your knees and hips....not your kids...
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DIGGER
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« Reply #619 on: February 25, 2023, 02:42:53 AM » |
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Old fuuuunnniiieeeee song by Bobby Bare. I had forgotten about this song and stumbled across it yesterday..... https://youtu.be/Yv_fuejbELc |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #620 on: February 25, 2023, 03:10:46 AM » |
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From Walter Mathew on the Johnny Carson show years ago.....
3 old men in a convelescent home sitting outside in the courtyard. One of the elderly gentlemen says "You know.... I wish I could go #1 every morning with a solid stream instead of in drips and drapples and having to push real hard." The second elderly man said " I wish I could go # 2 every morning that was firm instead of so watery and I didnt have to strain so hard and I wish I ciuld do it regularly every day."
The third elderly gentleman said "well.... every morning at precisely 7:00 am I go #1 and it is like the Mississippi river flowing at flood stage. Then at 7:05 am every morning I go #2 and its firm and long and it just comes out without having to grunt and groan or strain at all."
The second elderly gentleman says " So what are you complaining about?"
The third elderly gentleman says "I dont get out of bed till 9:00 am."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #621 on: February 28, 2023, 05:36:44 AM » |
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ridingron
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« Reply #622 on: March 07, 2023, 02:33:54 PM » |
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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I ask him what he was doing.
His response: "Just checking my balance."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #623 on: March 07, 2023, 04:52:19 PM » |
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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I ask him what he was doing.
His response: "Just checking my balance."
Ha! |
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f6gal
Administrator
Member
Posts: 6882
Surprise, AZ
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« Reply #624 on: March 12, 2023, 12:24:01 PM » |
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Those who confuse burro and burrow don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #625 on: March 13, 2023, 04:45:30 AM » |
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So let me get this straight. I go to To the grocery store and buy a lb. of sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, a gallon of milk in a plastic jug, a pack of napkins wrapped in plastic, a Greek salad in a plastic container, a plastic bottle of mustard and a plastic bottle of ketchup, and they won't give me a plastic bag to carry it home because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?
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DIGGER
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« Reply #626 on: March 13, 2023, 06:00:50 PM » |
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> Golf Ethics question
>
> What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
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> You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
> Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
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> Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
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> Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
>
> You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
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> About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"
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> The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
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> Now here is the ethical dilemma:
>
>
> Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.
>
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DIGGER
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« Reply #627 on: March 14, 2023, 08:11:17 PM » |
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend
is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #628 on: March 18, 2023, 06:49:31 AM » |
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We are living in a generation
that would unplug your life support system....
Just to charge their cell phone.
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da prez
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« Reply #629 on: March 19, 2023, 05:32:07 AM » |
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So the blond is walking and the police officer notices she has a breast exposed.  He approaches her with as much respect as possible.  Excuse me ma'am , do you realize you have a breast exposed.  She looks at her chest and- OH MY GOD ---I LEFT THE BABY ON THE BUS  da prez |
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csj
Member
Posts: 992
I used to be a wolfboy, but I'm alright NOOOOOWWWW
Peterborough Ontario Canada
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« Reply #630 on: March 20, 2023, 10:31:49 AM » |
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A guy called me a Ba$tard, I said in my case it's an accident
of birth, in your case you're a self made man.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #631 on: March 21, 2023, 07:05:45 PM » |
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If at first you dont succeed...
Try doing it the way your Mom
told you to in the beginning!!
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csj
Member
Posts: 992
I used to be a wolfboy, but I'm alright NOOOOOWWWW
Peterborough Ontario Canada
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« Reply #632 on: March 22, 2023, 03:28:18 PM » |
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I saw this on a fella's truck;
The First Time the Devil Made Me Do It.
The Second Time I Done Did It Myself.
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A guy called me a Ba$tard, I said in my case it's an accident
of birth, in your case you're a self made man.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #633 on: March 24, 2023, 05:51:19 AM » |
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Saw on Facebook this morning....
A school age kid is telling her dad that he was going to be getting an reprimand email from school. Dad asks what happened?
I was in line at the school cafeteria and there was a bowl of apples with a sign that said
" Take only 1....God is watching".
Further down the line was a bowl of cookies.... so I made a sign that said "Take all you want....God is watching the apples".
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DIGGER
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« Reply #634 on: March 24, 2023, 10:30:51 AM » |
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I'm on a "No Sweets Diet".....
This is day 12 without any chocolatte....
I've lost hearing in my left eye....
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RP#62
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« Reply #635 on: March 25, 2023, 09:41:38 AM » |
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When we were in Miami, there was an announcement on the radio that the annual clairvoyant's conference had been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
-RP
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DIGGER
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« Reply #636 on: March 26, 2023, 10:41:00 AM » |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #637 on: March 28, 2023, 07:51:03 AM » |
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"Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it." ========================================================== Yes, I know!  |
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15194
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #638 on: March 29, 2023, 07:55:59 AM » |
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Boss called and asked why I didn't show up for work today. Told him the parking lot was full so figured y'all had everything covered. |
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da prez
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« Reply #639 on: April 01, 2023, 07:53:35 AM » |
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So he joins an exclusive nudist colony. He undresses and the nude receptionist gives him a key card. Walking in the area he suddenly gets an erection. A petite woman comes up to him and says "you called".
Embarrassed , he says nothing. She takes his hand and walks to the side of the pool, lays on the ground and they have their time together.
She gets up and walks away. He recovers and walks to the steam room. As he sits down , he farts. A burly guy walks up and says "you called". He spins the guy around and has his way with him. The burly guy walks away when done.
He recovers and heads back to the reception area. Tosses the key card on the desk and says 'keep the $500.00 fee. I quit!
The receptionist says " you have only been here a half hour , there is lots more to see"!
Look lady , I get one erection a month , and fart at least fifteen times a day, N O THANK YOU!
da prez
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