Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[ridingron]

Waitress...I see your glass is empty.  Would you like another?

Customer...Why would I want 2 empty glasses?

[DIGGER]

New Years Resolution....

My goal in 2024 is to accomplish the goals I set in 2023
which I should have done in 2022
because I made a promise in 2021
which I planned in 2020.

[DIGGER]

Off of facebook...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[bassman]

The Genius of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

[DIGGER]

Awesome Senior Moment...

Witnessed at a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an anti-war protester in a Metro station in DC.


"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one."

"The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam all defending freedom.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

~God Bless America ~

Me thinks she probly meant it!!

[John Schmidt]

Probably had the umbrella opened on him. 

[DIGGER]

From facebook....

https://www.facebook.com/reel/745998437368828?s=yWDuG2&fs=e&mibextid=Nif5oz

[John Schmidt]

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus. 

[DIGGER]

John Waynes 5 Rules of Life:

1). Money cannot buy happiness but its
more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes
than on a bicycle.

2). Forgive your enemy...
But remember the bastards name.

3). Help some one who is in trouble
And they will remember you when they
Are in trouble again.

4). Many people are alive only because
It's ilkegal to shoot them.

5). Alcohol doesn't solve any problens,
But then again... neither does milk.

[da prez]

  Mr. Rogers did not prepare me for this neighborhood. 

                                                    da prez

[Serk]

I too thought it was time for a joke thread...

...then I went back over to the PaM forum and realized it's filled with 'em!     

[John Schmidt]

I too thought it was time for a joke thread...

...then I went back over to the PaM forum and realized it's filled with 'em!     

Agreed! 

[DIGGER]

Truly....My riding buddy is a fix it kind of guy.   He can fix most of lifes little mechanical problems.  Yesterday we were working on the ac/ heat unit in his travel trailer at our hunting lease when he coined a new phrase.....

"I can fix it....
If I cant fix it.....I will probly fix it where it cant be fixed"....

Ha

[DDT (12)]

Ron,

This is no joke... Thanks for starting what has proven to be a very popular thread! I always look for it when I log-on here, and... I always get a smile, often a chuckle, and sometimes a full-blown belly laugh from all of the offerings! It is another bright spot to be enjoyed, and the humorous stuff appears, at least so far, to be inexhaustable!!! Anyway, I appreciate you, my friend...

Ron

[John Schmidt]

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but why do we wake UP in the morning?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. We brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To understand the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in a dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 page -- it can really add UP.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

If it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on, but I'll wrap it UP. For now my time is UP, so ....

Time to shut UP .....!

Don't mess UP.

So, I'm assuming if someone asks me "what's up" I first need to consider the source and intent of the questioner? 

[John Schmidt]

Reminds me of the joke where a guy asked his lady what kind of vehicle she thought he might be. She told him a dragster. When questioned why a dragster, she simply stated "because it's all over in three seconds."

[DIGGER]

You know your life is boring
when you only wear work clothes
and bed clothes

[henry 008]

You know your life is boring
when you only wear work clothes
and bed clothes

thats not a joke.
It's my life 

LOL!

[DIGGER]

You know your life is boring
when you only wear work clothes
and bed clothes

thats not a joke.
It's my life 

LOL!

Ha

[DIGGER]

God made Adam first...
Adam increasingly became lonely a asked God...

Adam:   "God... Im very lonely...I need a Soulmate...a female that will obey my every command....make love to me at least 3 times a day....that will cook for me.... keep house...wash my clothes....clean and cook all the animals I harvest....someone who will keep our kids while I go galavanting around....

God: Well...I can do that but its going to cost you an arm and a leg...."

Adam: .............uh.........well.........what can I get for a rib?....."

[ridingron]

Operator...911, what's your emergency?

Caller...Two girls are fighting over me.

Operator...well, what's the problem?

Caller...the ugly one is winning. 

[ridingron]

Customer in a bakery...what do you have with no fat and no sugar?

Clerk...napkins.

[DIGGER]

A 6th grade teacher asked the class " what body part expands to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary was astounded and said "You cant ask that question in class!!!Im going to tell my parents who will tell the principal and you will be fired!!!"

Again the teacher asked the class " what body part expands to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Johnny stood up and said " the eye pupil will expand 10 times its size when stimulated."

The teacher said "very good Johnny."

She then turned to Mary and said " as for you Mary I have 3 things to say,.. first...you have a dirty mind....second...you didnt do your homework...thirdly....one day you are going to be aweful disappointed!!!"

[ridingron]

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I think the problem with the gene pool is there are too many lifeguards. 

[DIGGER]

I want to lose weight....
But I dont want to get caught up
In one of thos "eat right and exercise scams"....

[DIGGER]

Why do we say "Amen" in church and not "A-Women?"

Because we sing "Hymns" and not "Hers".

[John Schmidt]

She probably thinks she's punishing him. When Nancy doesn't talk to me for some time, I can be assured of one thing...she's sleeping. 

[ridingron]

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[DIGGER]

During church one Sunday the preacher announced that Brother Johnson had been taking piccolo lessons and was going to start the service with a song on his piccolo.   Brother Johnson played his song for the crowd making many many missed notes the song was played just terribly.  Towards the end of the song someone in the congregation hollered out " PICOLO PLAYER IS AN IDIOT!!!"

This upset the preacher terribly and the preacher said "Whoever called the piccolo player an idiot please stand up!!"    No one stood up.
The preacher then said "Ok....will the man setting next to the man that called the piccolo player an idiot please stand up!!"   No one stood up.
The preacher then said "Will the man sitting next to the man who is sitting next to the man who is sitting next to the man who called the piccolo player an idiot please stand up!!".    No one stood up....there was a long silence and finally a man way in the back slowly stood up and said "Preacher....I'm not the man that called the piccolo player an idiot.....and Im not thhe man sitting next to the man who called the picolo player an idiot....nor am I the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the man that called the piccolo player an idiot.   What I want to know is who called that idiot a piccolo player?!!"

[da prez]

  So after meeting at an event , He was invited to her home for the night. Into the dim bedroom. Undressing each other. It was a great night that was happening.  As the sunrise crept in the window , he noticed a picture next to the bed.
  Is that your husband? No , i'm not married. Is that your boyfriend? No, I don't have a boyfriend. Looking closer , and still a little worried , noticing a similarity , is that your brother?
 No , that's me before the surgery! 

                                                                         da prez

[John Schmidt]

I've posted this before but has been some time ago. It's good for a laugh...and then some.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

[John Schmidt]

I'd say forget New Year's Eve, she most likely won't be there. During football season I've found the best time to hit the gym is when a game is on, especially up here in Wisconsin when the Packers are playing. They had a home game yesterday so I hit the gym...only 4 members working out. It was great, got a solid 2.5 hr. grunt and groan session in, a lot more productive than watching a game...especially the Packers.

[DIGGER]

My teacher said " Don't worry about spelling....there will always be 'autocorrect'".   For that I will always be grapefruit.

[John Schmidt]

Anyone have Big Joe's address, I'd like to send that last one to him...along with an explanation. 

[John Schmidt]

Saw this on FarceBook: "I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one."   

[Moonshot_1]

Reindeer vs. Caribou: What's the Difference?

Both caribou and reindeer have the same scientific name, Rangifer tarandus, and are of the same species.

The key thing that differentiates reindeer from caribou is the fact that a reindeer is domesticated and a caribou is wild. From a distance, you probably wouldn't be able to tell a reindeer or a caribou apart. However, reindeer tend to have shorter legs and wider feet because of being domesticated. The fact that caribou migrate long distances means they tend to have longer legs.

Depending on the region in which caribou or reindeer live, their physical characteristics will vary slightly. According to the National Park Service, caribou are light brown with white fur around their neck and underbelly. On the other hand, reindeer can be found in a variety of colors from tawny, beige, white, brown and dark brown. Some will even have spots of all of the colors. The reason for the many variations of colors is due to selective breeding as well as the food they eat and the environment they live in.


And Reindeer can fly.

[DIGGER]

I love it!!!!!

▶️ Watch this reel https://www.facebook.com/reel/891115885884541?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=VHvezo

[DIGGER]

From Facebook....


So you want to make everthing electric......
We could start with the border wall....

[Serk]

Israel’s new ‘Cutting Edge’ Airport Security

TEL AVIV, Israel —

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!” BRILLIANT.

VW is implementing something similar...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUtE3QlTpKI

[ridingron]

Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

They would both weigh 1 gallon.

Wrong.  It's water.

Butane is...



A lighter fluid!!