I’m in fear

[The emperor has no clothes]

of this next phase in my life. My Mom is getting in pretty poor health these days. She had half a lung removed due to cancer a few years back, and is now on oxygen. She has afib of the heart and has been in ER several times recently because of it. On top of it all she is legally blind now from macular degeneration. She has been living in Aransas Pass with her husband (who is now also blind). It’s time for them to either go in a home or live with someone. Her husband is going back to Alaska to live with his daughter. And we are headed in the morning to bring my Mom to live with us.
 To be perfectly honest, I’m not looking forward to it. She was very close to my brother, I always assumed she would move in with them. But he went and died a couple years back. I suspect to spite me. I don’t know if an old man can increase his patience level, but we are about to find out.

[Valkorado]

You can do this, but best not to go it alone.  Ask God for His guidance.

[Jersey mike]

There are stages of life when things get dropped in your lap and need to be taken care of.

Mom may put a crimp in your lifestyle for a time but just do the right thing. I hope your house has room for a long term guest and she settles in comfortably. Start looking around for senior daycare as well as someplace for respite care when you need a break.

Good luck and be happy.

[98valk]

full disclosure - this is from the Amplified Bible, the following ARE NOT my words.
""quote-quote""
Isaiah 41:10
‘Do not fear [anything], for I am with you;
Do not be afraid, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, be assured I will help you;
I will certainly take hold of you with My righteous right hand [a hand of justice, of power, of victory, of salvation].’
41:13
“For I the Lord your God keep hold of your right hand; [I am the Lord],
Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’
""quote-quote""

[f6john]

That’s a tough picture. Most (maybe?) elderly get warehoused and forgotten. Kudos for you and your wife to take on this obligation and task. I doubt it will be easy but it will be rewarding in the long run.

[0leman]

When my Mom's health started going downhill, we move her to our town.  She was living about 80 miles away by herself and was 100 years old.   The decision was to have her move into an assisted living situation. Thankfully she had enough income coming in to pay for this place.  I was able to go visit her several times time a week. Lot more than I could before she moved.  She was in a room by herself which she like as she had lived alone for 25 years since my Dad died. 

I also felt that I couldn't ask my DW to help take care of Mom.  It was a good decision for all involved.  Mom was able to be independent till she passes away. 

[Ramie]

We had my mother in-law live with us for a time.  It wasn't easy as she had the start of dementia.  One day she snuck out of the house and got lost.  A local county sheriff found her wandering by the highway.  She became combative and angry and we had no choice after that to put in a local home for those with dementia.  It sounds like your facing a different situation so my prayers go out to you and her.  Give it your best shot that's all you can do.

[da prez]

  If your mom is to the hospice stage , I strongly recommend Transitions Care.  We interviewed Journey care and was not the least bit impressed.
  This company is very good in there service.  Bonnie looks forward to seeing them.
 I saw Ranie's post after writing this. Dementia patients that are mobile need  to have an I.D. on them that gives the necessary info.  It could save a life.

                                                      da prez

[cookiedough]

give it your best shot is all you can do and do what you feel is best for your mom, will not be easy that I know.  Was hardest for me to come to terms Dr. will NOT allow mom to go back home by herself so past 6 years or so had moved mom 3x's to assisted living homes.  I had to do what I felt was best for mom as you are doing. 

If it gets to be too much,  check out now assisted living homes (usually a waiting list) since sounds like that time is coming soon as well as hospice care all it needs is Drs. approval and they can do a lot for  your mom and fully paid for/hospice care that is, not assisted living.  My mom was on hospice only 4 months but I was reluctant to come to terms that the end was near could have been on hospice as suggested by her Dr. a few months prior. 

Give it a go and if not going well, ask her DR. what the next step might be they should help as well.

[RNFWP]

My mother in law was on hospice for over two years. All under Medicare. Their team got to know and work with us very well and adjusted quickly to changes when needed (UTIs, falls, etc) She lived in a memory care unit (dementia) before and all during that time. We were able to check on her almost every day but having outside independent people checking on and bathing her several times a week was a big help.

[Rams]

Living long enough to enter into the "Retirement Years" presents many challenges.   One hopes for enjoying those years to do what one wants to do.   Whether that's traveling, enjoying grandchildren or whatever but, those years also are the same time frame that loved ones go downhill health wise and the ultimate end result is not pleasant but there's no denying it's coming.   

Currently, my wife is in KS with her aunt who is transitioning (transitioning is the term the hospice nurse uses) to the next stage, passing away.   My wife has not left her bedside chair since arriving and is administering as much help and medication (morphine) as the experts indicate is applicable.   It's a very painful time for her all the while knowing the aunt is in the last few days or weeks of her life.  No, it's not any fun watching a loved one "transition".   When the body is failing, it's not a pleasant time observing.  One can only hope that step is taken as painlessly as possible.

None of us are going to get out of this life without going through this process, whether it happens quickly or is a long slow process.   My hope for all is that those transitioning have lived a satisfying and useful life with few regrets.   Enjoy the time you have with those folks and once they are gone, remember the love and good times you and others enjoyed with them.   

I have no advice for Meathead except to do what you can and enjoy what time you have left with her, it won't be all fun and games but, remember the good times.

Rams

[cookiedough]

Living long enough to enter into the "Retirement Years" presents many challenges.   One hopes for enjoying those years to do what one wants to do.   Whether that's traveling, enjoying grandchildren or whatever but, those years also are the same time frame that loved ones go downhill health wise and the ultimate end result is not pleasant but there's no denying it's coming.   

Currently, my wife is in KS with her aunt who is transitioning (transitioning is the term the hospice nurse uses) to the next stage, passing away.   My wife has not left her bedside chair since arriving and is administering as much help and medication (morphine) as the experts indicate is applicable.   It's a very painful time for her all the while knowing the aunt is in the last few days or weeks of her life.  No, it's not any fun watching a loved one "transition".   When the body is failing, it's not a pleasant time observing.  One can only hope that step is taken as painlessly as possible.

None of us are going to get out of this life without going through this process, whether it happens quickly or is a long slow process.   My hope for all is that those transitioning have lived a satisfying and useful life with few regrets.   Enjoy the time you have with those folks and once they are gone, remember the love and good times you and others enjoyed with them.   

I have no advice for Meathead except to do what you can and enjoy what time you have left with her, it won't be all fun and games but, remember the good times.

Rams

well said RAMs, well said. 

I for one, unless desperate to stay working needing insurance, etc., will not work til age 67 full retirement age nowadays.  I figure age 63, or I surely hope, will be enough.  As said,  I would rather enjoy the last 10-15 years or so vs. doing the daily grind of working daily and being not happy.  I highly doubt neither my wife nor I will regret leaving the working world behind when it comes to the 'big shots' making double or triple the salary and doing nothing for it.

[Hook#3287]

Rob, only you, Brenda and your Mom can make the decisions ahead, with advice from health professionals.

Every situation is different.

I don't envy your position, but I'm sure you'll do right and will be fine.

Good luck Bud.



 

[f6gal]

The part of this post that first struck me, is that your mom and her husband are going to be living in separate residences, many miles apart.  That seems very sad.  Are you moving your mom to Lake Havasu or Alaska?  (Sorry, I'm not sure where you're living now.)

[Valkorado]

The part of this post that first struck me, is that your mom and her husband are going to be living in separate residences, many miles apart.  That seems very sad.  Are you moving your mom to Lake Havasu or Alaska?  (Sorry, I'm not sure where you're living now.)

I was also taken aback by this.  Had they come to this decision mutually?

[Serk]

I figure best case, I've got a decade 'till I've gotta deal with the same things...

I feel fore you. It's not easy.

My dad's mom insisted on being put in a home, even though they offered to move her in.

My dad found the best he could, and visited her every single day until he was in his 70's and she was pushing 100... As he put it, it was an honor, most 70+ year olds were residents, not visitors.

I wish I had some useful advice. I feel for you. *Bro Hugs*

Hope it all goes as smoothly and peacefully as possible.

[da prez]

  Just an FYI , DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING THAT EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLES A FININCAL RESPONSABILITY.
    She may have medical coverage , but they will try to stick it to you.  
  My wife is still on hospice and I just saw the first stack of bills.  
  I will do everything possible to keep her comfortable.

   Just another FYI.  Consider a medical divorce. Not an accepted term. This splits assets 50/50.  One could draw all assets and the other will be left with nothing.

                                                       da prez

[Wizzard]

My MIL moved in with us 8 years ago and we do everything for her. Sound mind and fairly healthy at 96 but that could change at any moment. She is easy to take care of now but who knows what the future holds.
I happen to really like and get along with her so makes it easier.
Hope it goes well for you Rob.

[The emperor has no clothes]

The part of this post that first struck me, is that your mom and her husband are going to be living in separate residences, many miles apart.  That seems very sad.  Are you moving your mom to Lake Havasu or Alaska?  (Sorry, I'm not sure where you're living now.)

I didn’t mean to leave the impression that we might be splitting them up. There are some details that would honestly put both of them in a bad light. To be more concise, we are bringing my Mom to Havasu. Possibly Alaska in the summer, but I have doubts. Our life is changing dramatically. Her husband is now in Alaska with his daughter. It was a mutual split. Sometimes parents come with baggage.

[The emperor has no clothes]

My MIL moved in with us 8 years ago and we do everything for her. Sound mind and fairly healthy at 96 but that could change at any moment. She is easy to take care of now but who knows what the future holds.
I happen to really like and get along with her so makes it easier.
Hope it goes well for you Rob.

Thanks Randy 

[The emperor has no clothes]

Rob, only you, Brenda and your Mom can make the decisions ahead, with advice from health professionals.

Every situation is different.

I don't envy your position, but I'm sure you'll do right and will be fine.

Good luck Bud.



 

Thanks Bill. Sometimes I’m not so sure doing the right thing is possible.