Joke: man wakes up in the hospital.

[John Schmidt]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be Ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your "member" was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."  The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new one. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
 
"So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."

[Stanley Steamer]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be Ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your "member" was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."  The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new one. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
 
"So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."

Dohhhhhhhh.........I just got granite counter tops!!.......

[John Schmidt]

Steamer, she obviously figured she got more for her money. Plus, granite is, uh, guess I better leave that alone........

[Stanley Steamer]

Steamer, she obviously figured she got more for her money. Plus, granite is, uh, guess I better leave that alone........

Yeah.......it's hard......but COLD!!......

[DIGGER]

another......

a guy is laying in a hospital bed after a major car wreck.   He is laying on his back with an IV hose stuck in his arm, monitors attached all over him, and an oxygen mask covering his face.  A nurse walks in and the nurse does some things for him and asks if he has any questions.   He mumbles through the oxygen mask "Are my testicles black?"    the nurse taken aback says "Would you say that again?" thinking she misunderstood him.   The guy again mumbles throught the oxygen mask "Are my testicles black?".   The nurse raised the hospital gown and takes a good look and says "No sir, your testicles look just fine.".......................the guy reaches up and pulls the oxygen mask off and says "Are my test results back?"

[John Schmidt]

Larry gets a call from the highway patrol, asking him to come to the scene of an accident to identify his long time friend Harry. He arrives and the trooper takes him over the sheet covered body. Larry looks at him and says "yep, that's Harry's shirt, gave it to him for his birthday. And that's his wedding ring also....but where's his head?"  Trooper tells him the gory details, then shows him the head. Larry grabs a handful of hair, holds it up in front of him and studies it for a minute...then remarks "yeah, sure looks like Harry, just don't recall him being quite so tall!"   

[DIGGER]

Larry gets a call from the highway patrol, asking him to come to the scene of an accident to identify his long time friend Harry. He arrives and the trooper takes him over the sheet covered body. Larry looks at him and says "yep, that's Harry's shirt, gave it to him for his birthday. And that's his wedding ring also....but where's his head?"  Trooper tells him the gory details, then shows him the head. Larry grabs a handful of hair, holds it up in front of him and studies it for a minute...then remarks "yeah, sure looks like Harry, just don't recall him being quite so tall!"   

uuuugggg.......you bad......hahaha

[DIGGER]

A guy driving down a road next to a railroad track sees a lady tied to the railroad track.   He rushes over and rescues her and takes her back to his place and they make mad passionate love.   He goes to the local bar he hangs out at and walks in and declares "Next round is on me!!!"  everyone rushes up to the bar to get their drink.   The bartender looks at the guy and says "Man....what's the occasion?" the guy says  I was driving down the road next to the railroad track and found this lady tied to the railroad track.  I rescued her and we went back to my place and had mad passionate sex."   the bartender says "Was she good looking?"   the guy said "Don't know.....never found her head."