Colonoscopy

[bassman]

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
 
 
Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
 
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough..

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
 
 
 
 
 


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

[da prez]

   Been there and done it. As I lay there and was supposed to be in twilight sleep I kept jerking a little , and I got to watch the moniter. The nurse asked me if I was ok (not expecting an answer) and I said I was a little uncomfortable. Are you awake. They were supposed to give you a sedative.
  Nope I said, I think they don't want to share the drugs. I asked how much longer as she told the Dr. to stop. Macbe 5 minutes. Go ahead I said . I've enjoyed your company this long , just finish.
  They did and when I was done I asked for the nearest bathroom where I promotly blew the water out of the bowl. If you have been there . you know.

                                                                         da prez  growing old is not for whimps

[czuch]

Been there done that. The nurse was a FOX!!!
I thought she was gonna split her side when I told her, "I realize most folks you see arent as good lookin as me but dont let that deter you from your task". As we walked past the objects of my dread, I told her to pick out the longer thicker one. I think I got extra goodies.

[hotglue #43]

That was funny.... but what was even funnier..... When I opened this thread on the board..... the next thread down was "cover yer butt"

I wonder if the sequince will ever happen again??  LOL

[old2soon]

I myself was supplied by the V A with some used soapy bath water to help with the-ahem-clean out process. I was allowed to eat very flavorful jello-up until 2200 hrs the night before the procedure. And i had to have a driver there with me or no fun and games. I live about 105 miles from the V A hospital. Soooo i took my brother in law with me. And no-didn't feel or remember a thing. Thank GOD. Got all done about 1 in the after noon. Lotsa folks there that day to have a hose shoved-well you get it. Got done and found a resturant serving breakfast at 1.30 in the after noon. RIDE SAFE.

[John Schmidt]

My wife was having some stomach problems so when they scheduled her colonoscopy, they also scheduled a look down her throat and into her stomach. When she was being prepped and already had a small sedative, I told her to let them know she wanted the stomach inspection done first. When she asked why, I told her the clinic was trying to save money by using the same tool for both inspections. The nurse promptly kicked me out of the room, woman had no sense of humor.

What amuses me is I get a notice from my eye dr., dentist, cardiologist, etc., telling me it's "that" time for another checkup. The amusing part....I also get one from the office of the "rear admiral." 

[Jess from VA]

When she asked why, I told her the clinic was trying to save money by using the same tool for both inspections. The nurse promptly kicked me out of the room, woman had no sense of humor.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

You know, I have had the same experience in a number of different situations.  Perfectly good humor, not in bad taste or language. 

With 2d degree burns from an exploding can of FFFG black powder, I had both hands wrapped in heavy gauze.  The hospital was rabidly no-smoking, but I got some smuggled in.  I had to put the cigarette in hemostats to hold it, but lighting a match was very difficult, and I manged to catch my gauze bandages on fire.  I did my best to hide the evidence, but at dressing change the nurse read me the riot act.  No sense of humor at all. 

After the vasectomy, I had to go back to the hospital and provide a semen sample to be tested for live swimmers.  I held up the cup and asked the nurse if she could give me a hand with this.  Again, no sense of humor at all. 

One time in court trying to get a partial drivers license restoration for a kid with 20 tickets on a long traffic record I told the judge there was one very good thing about this record.  He pulled down his bifocals and said "Counselor, I'd be happy to know if there is anything good about this young man's record."  I said, "Well judge, there's no accidents, and he hasn't once killed anybody."   The Judge had no sense of humor either.

Some people.   

[Paxton]

bassman;
Did you get Andy to buy you lunch!

[The Anvil]

When she asked why, I told her the clinic was trying to save money by using the same tool for both inspections. The nurse promptly kicked me out of the room, woman had no sense of humor.

You know, I've found that there's often one simple and very ugly reason WHY humor fails to elicit the desired response in situations like the one you describe...

[Valkahuna]

Very timely post for me since I am having a colonoscopy at the end of next week.

Since it's not my first I know what to expect. During the first one about 11 years ago, I woke up briefly during the procedure and noticed the image of my inner self on the monitor. The nurse told me later that I had made a sound of relief, and said something to the effect that I was glad the "clean out procedure" had worked. That part really is the worst, and any jokes or negative comments made about it are well deserved!

Seriously though, within the last couple of years I lost two good friends to cancer, that was probably treatable had it been detected early enough!

Don't ever let "manly pride" or the attitude that it can't happen to you stop you from having this procedure! As a matter of fact, if your Doc doesn't ask you to have one, ask him about it!

This, and taking care of your prostrate are two of the most important things you can do to help yourself stay on the right side of the grass, and NOT pushing up Daisies!