Colon Cleanse and Drains....helpful warning....long!

My lovely wife of almost 17 years has a history of having major problems with drains and disposals. Over the last 7 years I have had to replace 2 disposals due to my wife attempting to dispose of items that were never meant to go into a disposal. 2 months into our new home my wife decided the best way to get rid of aquarium stones was throught the disposal. I was not home at the time, but to this day I can't understand how she has any hearing left after that occurrence. On another occasion she thought the disposal would be a good way to get rid of plastic utensils from a summer barbecue. I was home and heard the disposal from outside. Once I shut off the disposal, I pulled out at least a cupfull of chewed up utensils. Goodbye to disposal number 2.

Monday night I come home with my daughter from volleyball practice expecting to kick back and relax after a long day. I had just cracked open a beverage when my daughter tells me the kitchen sink is clogged on both sides. I walk into the kitchen and see both sides of the kitchen sink filled to the top with murky water. I asked her what went into the drain. This is where it starts to get good. She says she dumped a larged container of colon cleanser into the disposal in the AM, and when she got home this evening the drain was clogged. After siphoning out the majority of the sink water i started seeing a gelatin like substance sitting on the walls and base of the sinks. First effort was the handy dandy plunger, plunge one side, pushes water out the other side of the sink. Being an amateur plumber I deduce that the clog is in the P-trap. After clearing out the 50+ bottles of household cleaning products, I disassemble the 2" PVC plumbing and get to the P-trap. What comes out has me shocked. It looked like a jello hair ball that could only come from a lion. It was at least an inch and half in diameter and every bit of 12" long. I then unscrew the 10" horizontal PVC pipe that goes to the wall. Using a fork, I was able to pull out another hairball of even greater proportions. So now I am thinking "I got it". I proceed to put all the PVC back together. Once done I run the hot water and turn on the disposal, much to my dismay the sink starts filling up again on both sides. Not wanting to pull all the plumbing apart again, I try the plunger again, but this time I block the other side of the sink. Being a guy, I decide to use a little extra plunger force and this proceeds to direct the now gelatin murky water through out the kitchen including the ceiling. I am now getting upset. While all this is going on, my kids have eaten and I now have a gallery of interested observers. Knowing that I am about to cross the threshold from a civilized adult to a ranting lunatic, I ask everyone to leave (including my wife and one of her friends from the neighborhood).

Now being free from the observations of my unwanted gallery, I let out a profanity laced primordal scream. Once settled down and cracking open my next beverage, I sit back and evaluate the problem at hand. Thankfully when I finished the basement a few years ago, I elected to put in a drop ceiling and also used grid paper to identify where everything is under the tiles. Removing the necessary tiles I am able to locate the plumbing and the 2" PVC pipe and guestimate that it runs 16 to 18 feet back to a 4" main. I get my plumbers snake (only 15' long). I proceed to disassemble the drain and run the snake through the piping. What I pull back out absolutely blows me away. I filled a 2 gallon bucket with an unbroken 1 1/2" hairball that just would not break apart or stop. This one could have only come from a Dragon (I am sure you were wondering how I was going to make this Valkyrie related) It reminded me of a slinky as it kept coming out of the 2" PVC pipe in the wall and slopping into the bucket. Once I felt that the gift that kept on giving was depleted, I ran the snake again and came up with nothing. Knowing that my snake was only 15' long, I felt that I may have some hairball material waiting for me downstream in the pipe. I happened to have a couple of pressurized cans of air designed by NASA plumbing engineers. I made a tight seal at the wall opening and attempted to blow the remaining gelatin hairball into the 4" main. Thankfully I did not blow up any PVC in the process, but I could not get the pipe to clear. Living in a neighborhood where "I am the tool guy", I knew none of my neighbors would have a snake and decided not to waste the effort to call anyone. Mind you, it is now 10pm and no store that would carry a snake would be open. My brother lives 25 miles away and I knew he had one. Now it is Valk related, I got on my bike and had a nice tension reducing ride to retrieve his 30' snake. The ride home wasn't nearly as enjoyably due to the task that awaited me upon my return.

Once home, I was able to run the longer snake completely into the 4" main. I locked my drill motor on, went into the basement and could now feel and hear the snake banging away well into the 4" main. I felt confident that the "impasse" had been eliminated and put everything back together. I decided to flush the 1st floor toilet as it directly deposits into the 4" PVC pipe up stream from the 2" feed. My mistake in this venture was not checking the sink. I proceeded to flush the toilet a second time, and something just wasn't right with the water level reurning to the toilet bowl. Now I am thinking that somehow this gela tin monster backed it's way into the 4" and the toilet. I went and got the plunger (without looking in the sink) and proceeded to use the plunger in a violent way on the toilet. After my third or fourth "plunge", I heard what sounded like wter slapping the hardwood floor in the kitchen. I went to the kitchen and found the sinks to be partially full with water. With everyone sleeping in the house I have to step outside to blow off some steam. Being a methodical human being, I grab another beverage and become analytical in approaching this new problem. I have access to the cleanout of the 4" main, but now I have it and the kitchen 2" piped filled with water. If I open the cleanout in the basement, I risk all the water coming out from above to the carpeted basement floor. Understanding the simple principals of siphoning, I must now figure out how to get the water out of the pipes when the lowest point to draw from is 26+ feet away and 10 to 12' lower than my access point. I proceed to cut off the end of a garden hose, snake it into the 2" wall access hole as far as I could go (I swear I pushed in 30" feet of hose). I now take the good end of the hose and run it out the kitchen window and over the deck. I am now guessing my siphon point is close to be lower than the end of the hose up in the pipe. Most people know of the pain you get in your ears and jaw when you try blowing up a tough balloon or inflatable. Well try sucking on a 50' hose to get the siphon action rolling. I got so engrossed in this process that I wasn't paying attention to what may be coming. Yes, I received a mouthful (and a little in my lungs) of gelatin water. But i now had a steady flow of water coming out of the hose. After about 10 minutes the flow stopped. I was able to open the cleanout in the basement. I blieve that because the cleanout sits just above a 90 degee bend that the reamining Colon Cleanser collected here. I know I should have taken pictures but I was not exactly in a picture taking mood. I pulled a plug of this gelatin hairball out of the cleanout that was every big as a softball. I am holding this creature in my hands and having great difficulty in stopping myself from going upstairs and laying it next to my sleeping wifes head, but I did not not do it. It is now 1am, and alls I want to do is put everything back together and try to get some sleep. I finally put all pieces back in their rightful place. Check the drains, disposal, toilets etc. Everything is back in proper working order. Clean up all the wet towels, tools etc. and go to bed.

My wife and I have schedules that during the week we our sometimes two ships passing in the dark. Well we usually, at a minimum talk once a day via phone just to touch base and make sure we know who has the kids. We did not talk until yesterday ( I wasn't calling her due to lingering anger over the colon cleanse episode). She called to apologize and thank me for my work on the plumbing problem. She was so apologetic and thankful she told me I could go on a golf trip and a motorcycle trip. Well now I am listening. I hadn't found the opportunity to ask/tell her about the Blue/Grey ride in June (I secured the lodgings in December) and now this fit in perfectly. When I told her about this trip to Gettysburg, PA, she was in the mood to say "go for it". So that's how I received permission to go on the Blue -Grey ride in a few weeks. Golf trip later in the summer.

I know it was along an boring story, and if you made it this far, I have a moral to the story ....."What Cleans your Colon, may just clog your pipes".