A few funnies for your evening enjoyment

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"! The operator says
how do you know? He says "The sex is the same, but the laundry is
piling up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis that she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're
pulling my leg."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that...2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Electric Guitar.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt to check my
prostate! Do you think I should change dentists?

A farmer in Saskatchewan has successfully grown a field of
vibrators. Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow.. I said, "You're obviously not
listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to
get all her clothes back.