do you suffer from this? (sometimes I dig it!)

[musclehead]

undiagnosed and ignored by the medical community I call it "uber-smart-alec-itis"  it may be hereditary, genetic, glandular.  it might be chronic or acute or both. but if your mouth opens up and says something and your frontal lobes scream "don't say that!" you probably have it.  ( I'm thinking RJ, Mr Schmidt and Mr Anvil have it )

I probably have a thousand examples, I have forgotten the most acerbic ones, but here's a couple of fine ones.

years ago I was working as a forklift driver in a window and door mill in ORYGUN the secretary in the warehouse had a daughter about the same age as our daughter so we started hanging out and letting the kids play together. she told me she was concerned, I asked why. she said 'what's your girl going as for Halloween?' I said 'I dunno, something Disney' she said her daughter wanted to go as a wicked witch, I said 'so?' she said she wants to be an ugly wicked witch with a wart and everything.
I said 'don't worry, she just wants to be like momma.'  yeah, duck cover the jimmies and RUN!

years later I was picking the brains of a trainer truck driver, I was thinking of doing the training thing.
he was actually waiting for his girlfriend he was going to team for a while with her.  I asked what she was driving, he said a 'peterbilt, you get respect when you drive into truck stop with a pete, it's the Harley of the trucking world.' I could NOT stop myself, I said 'it's overpriced, leaks oil and breaks down a lot?'  he looked at me like I was an alien life form.

I walked into a truck stop up to the Popeye's chicken counter, it was early no one was in there yet.
the gal behind the counter was organizing the chicken on the racks and didn't see me.  she turned around and said oh welcome to Popeye's I didn't see you, I said that's OK I was just watching you play with your breasts and your thighs. she turned a couple of shades of pink but truck stop gals can dish it out too. she said "I bet you were"  I don't think feminists could work at truck stops, they don't have enough of a sense of humor.

even as recently as a week ago I had a rare overnighter at the house and I took the wife out to lunch and after we went to the grocery store. as I was returning the cart there was a gal walking down the row of cars she had one of those hair thingies that have the reindeer antlers on it. I looked at her, then at the antlers then back at her and said "don't worry those will fall off in the spring"  she about busted a gusset.

like I say I enjoy it, no suffering here 

[old2soon]

Long time ago on an elevator in a building in Chicago a women was behind me. Her floor was before mine and when her number got close she said-excuse me. And i said why?? didja fart? RIDE SAFE.

[olddog1946]

While stationed on North Bend Oregon, a buddy of mine and I went in to the office of a secretary he was dating to BS a bit..he told her some joke, don't remember what,,then I asked her "What does a big breast woman do when a guy  ask's her out?"   She says: "I don't know" and I said "Didn't think so"

didn't talk to me for a week...

[solo1]

Back in the '40's I was working at a retail store.  On Friday, the boss handed out the paychecks and would cash them for us after the store was closed.  We were all gathered around the cash register when the boss turned to me and asked, "Wayne, do you have change for a $100 dollar bill,  Being a smartass, I didn't engage my brain before I replied,  "If I did have, i wouldn't be working here!"

Total silence on the part of all except my thought, '$hit!'.

[musclehead]

Back in the '40's I was working at a retail store.  On Friday, the boss handed out the paychecks and would cash them for us after the store was closed.  We were all gathered around the cash register when the boss turned to me and asked, "Wayne, do you have change for a $100 dollar bill,  Being a smartass, I didn't engage my brain before I replied,  "If I did have, i wouldn't be working here!"

Total silence on the part of all except my thought, '$hit!'.

thats classic, the second job I ever had I regularly wore a shirt that said 'this job cuts into my day'

I was delivering a load to Walmart in Sanger TX. I was hours early the ytold me I had to come back later. I said where can I park around here? he said down at the video store. I thought cool I like movies. I parked and walked half way across the lot before I looked up at the sign "adult video" well of course it is this isn't block buster FCOL. so I walked in and stood there for a sec and asked the guy behind the counter 'got anything by disney?' 

[Super Santa]

While in the Navy, one evening while out on the town I saw a young WAVE that I worked with and my opening comment was, 'You look different with clothes on'. 

(As opposed to being in uniform).

[czuch]

1973. I worked in a Chevron station a friend's dad owned. This clown/hippie come in and fills his VW bug. I go out to get the money and Chuck is right behind me as he was gonna stick the tanks. This kid tells me "Its God's gas and he dosent want anybody to have to pay for it. Chuck replied " god was here about 10 minutes ago and told us to stop giving it away, oyu just missed him. Unless you wanna see him, pay for the gas". I laughed aloud right there.
Chuck let me siphon it into my car. Then he lightened my paycheck by $3.85.
As it should be, and I still laugh.

[alph]

last week someone on the VRCC wrote a post looking for a "rubber-washer" for a windshield, i replied that i just throw mine out after i'm done using 'em and that since my vesectomy i don't need 'em anymore, willow deleted it, and told me that if i keep it up my posting privialges would be suspended.  don't think i'd care if he did......  

[Jess from VA]

I'm sitting in traffic on the IS with the wife on the back on a nice Sunday morning in Old Town Alexandria VA.  Lot of people dressed up on their way home from church, including the family in the new Town Car next to me.  I glace sideways and see his fuel door is open and the cap hanging down, and before thinking of the proper words, I get his attention and say.... Hey Buddy, your gas-hole is open.   The wife and kids in back start laughing, my wife slaps the back of my helmet and asks, what did you say???, and the guy just glares at me.

 I quit while I was behind and motored on.

[BamaDrifter64]

Back when I worked for NASA, I had a retired Navy officer as a supervisor who was a stickler for being on time.  He expected everyone to be sitting at their desk working when the clock hit 7 a.m.  One morning I was a couple of minutes late and he came to my desk and asked me why.  I told him I had car trouble.  He asked what was the matter with my car.  I told him it wouldn't go fast enough.  Everyone in the office laughed.  His face turned red.


I got wrote up....but it was worth it!   

Dave

[musclehead]

I'm sitting in traffic on the IS with the wife on the back on a nice Sunday morning in Old Town Alexandria VA.  Lot of people dressed up on their way home from church, including the family in the new Town Car next to me.  I glace sideways and see his fuel door is open and the cap hanging down, and before thinking of the proper words, I get his attention and say.... Hey Buddy, your gas-hole is open.   The wife and kids in back start laughing, my wife slaps the back of my helmet and asks, what did you say???, and the guy just glares at me.

 I quit while I was behind and motored on.

  HEY YOU GAS-HOLE! 

[Bearinthehouse]

The wife opened up a barber shop in the big town of Estacada (Incestacata) ORYGUN, next door is a local watering hole, I was in there having a beer waiting for her to close shop. She got off work, came in and I asked "how was work". She said. now you gotta know Linda, she has a way of talking loud for a little lady. She said "I did 25 Guys today..... Could og heard a pin drop...

[pitbull]

A few years ago,we had a get together with a load of friends between Christmas and New Year.One of my friends asked my daughter what Santa had  brought her,she was about 7 at the time and ran through a list of gifts,she then said in a sheepish embarrassed voice "I also got some body glitter and at the New Year party I'm gonna put some on my chest"
I replied,"Yeah,mum was gonna borrow some of that but she don't want to matt the hair together"
What I didn't realise was that my good lady was stood behind me,honestly,you could of heard a pin drop,until my wife burst out laughing,call me a d**khead and gave me a kiss,then total laughter all round.

[Jim_Orr]

I was flirting with a very tall girl who worked in the office and one day she was wearing a rather short dress.  Being a smartass I asked how far up those legs went, and very calmly she said "They go all the way to heaven"  I was speechless!

[da prez]

  In the army, walking down the sidewalk, reading a letter, I was approached by a young officer.
  I saluted and said F$$$ you sir. About two steps past, he called out , Specialist, what did you say?
  Being a fast thinker, I replied, sorry sir, I just got a dear john letter. Very well soldier, carry on. I saluted the kid and left ,laughing to myself.

                                                                   da prez

[bigguy]

I still chuckle remembering a story my dad used to tell. He was stationed in Germany at the time with an artillery unit. He was assigned to the corporal missile. With an especially tough inspection coming up, they cleaned a painted everything, including the heavy equipment used to haul, launch, and erect the missiles.
The paint had literally not dried when the inspection began. One officer, determined to find a problem, noticed what he thought was a painted over glob of grease.
"What is this?" he demanded as he bent down and ran a finger over what was in fact a weld.
As the officer stood there with a olive drab finger tip looking at the exposed bead, one of the men dead paned, "That's wet paint sir."

[old2soon]

Didn't happen to me but heard it more than once. Officer and an enlisted man got done using the urinals off base. The officer went to the wash basin and the enlisted man went for the door. The officer said to the enlisted man-in O C S they taught us to wash our hands after using the urinal. The enlisted man looked at the officer and said-sir with all respect-in basic training they taught us not to pee on our hands. RIDE SAFE.

[musclehead]

The wife opened up a barber shop in the big town of Estacada (Incestacata) ORYGUN, next door is a local watering hole, I was in there having a beer waiting for her to close shop. She got off work, came in and I asked "how was work". She said. now you gotta know Linda, she has a way of talking loud for a little lady. She said "I did 25 Guys today..... Could og heard a pin drop...

come to think of it, my wife did a good one too. she has a small scar on her wrist someone asked her how she got it. she said 'pole dancing'. 

she meant MAY pole dancing 

[Karen]

Ft Mc Clellan Alabama, early 60's, the 14th Army (WAC) band was getting ready to go on tour, which took two Trailways buses and a large truck for the equipment. I had fallen off the back end of a horse who decided he/she didn't want to go backwards on the trail and walked under a low hanging branch at Cheaha, hurt my back & was put on light duty. While almost everyone else was loading the truck, I was sitting on the barracks patio enjoying a beer. Sgt Dora Schondel came over to me and asked why I wasn't helping with the gear. I told her that I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavy, and she came right back with "How do you get out of a chair, Brooks?"