Open letter

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Dallas night before last.

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after
you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that
evening.You see, my girlfriend had
just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas,
and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.
Beautiful pistol, eh?
It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at
your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun
walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge
flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you
also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I
couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try
to mug us again.
I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas
station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy
with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by the Lizard Lounge, along with all of the cash in your wallet.
I threw the wallet
in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the
windshield and side window out and keyed the driver’s side. I called a
bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They'll be on your
bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down
the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so
I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't
permanently cut off your service.
I could only get in two threatening
phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy
was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).
I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead
making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..

Chris
P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!