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DIGGER
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« Reply #1240 on: July 31, 2025, 11:49:13 AM » |
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My wife is really mad at me because she woke up with me trying to have sex with her......
In my defense....she was awake when we started.....
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1241 on: July 31, 2025, 05:28:28 PM » |
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I told my wife that the postman has been bragging that he has had an affair with every woman on the block except one. She said "its probably that old grippy biddy across the street!!"
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1242 on: August 01, 2025, 06:36:47 AM » |
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I need to lose a little weight.....trying to get out of bed this morning I rocked myself back to sleep....
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RP#62
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« Reply #1243 on: August 01, 2025, 12:11:15 PM » |
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I want to thank the man that taught me the definition of plethora. It means a lot.
RP
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crow
Member
Posts: 509
Toujours Pret
Citrus Co Fla
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« Reply #1244 on: August 04, 2025, 06:25:52 AM » |
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Five out of four people find mathanatics difficult
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dont write a check with your mouth,
that your ass cant cash
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1245 on: August 04, 2025, 07:47:42 AM » |
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A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing a paper towel as a bandanna. The barkeep says “Hey, you can’t be in here, you got a bounty on your head” Hay  Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1246 on: August 04, 2025, 07:48:30 AM » |
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Just when you thought that food couldn’t call you on the phone. Boom. ONION RINGS Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1247 on: August 07, 2025, 11:22:31 AM » |
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I told the tailor I didn't need any assistance in trying on my tuxedo. He said, "Fine. Suit yourself." Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1248 on: August 11, 2025, 12:06:55 PM » |
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After 30 years of marriage, my wife suddenly wanted to swap places on our bed… I’ve never seen this side of her before! Hay Jimmyt |
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da prez
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« Reply #1249 on: August 12, 2025, 06:06:43 AM » |
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So he wakes up from a biopsy. Oxygen mask in place. Nurse enters to check on him. He asks , are my testicles black. What ,she replies.
Again ,are my testicles black. She lift the covers and looks. No, they seem normal , and covers him up.
He pulls the oxygen mask down and says , are my test results back.
da prez
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1250 on: August 15, 2025, 07:00:58 AM » |
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Google is a bad influence. I searched how to become an arsonist. It gave fifty thousand matches. Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1251 on: August 15, 2025, 07:11:17 AM » |
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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now . . . .
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15285
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #1252 on: August 15, 2025, 10:39:20 AM » |
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Reminds me of 1st & 2nd grade. Dad was school superintendent and his office was in the same building as the classrooms. For some reason I spent a good portion of those grades standing in his office, I couldn't sit down. Also stood for supper...wish I'd known about double jeopardy back then.
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1253 on: August 16, 2025, 02:26:47 PM » |
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The inventor of the heat index died at age 88.... said he felt like 100
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1254 on: August 19, 2025, 02:15:25 PM » |
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There was a safety meeting today and I was asked " What steps would you take in case of a fire?"
I said "Frigging big ones"..... not what they were looking for....
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1255 on: August 20, 2025, 11:15:32 AM » |
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What’s the average length of a sock? It’s around a foot. Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1256 on: August 22, 2025, 07:27:41 AM » |
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"Siri....why am I so bad at relationships?"
"This is Alexa....."
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1257 on: August 22, 2025, 07:31:21 AM » |
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I still wonder how my wife looked at my dumbass and thought....
"yep...I want that one"
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1258 on: August 22, 2025, 11:10:40 AM » |
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Asked my son what he learned in school today. He said “Gay men like Sony. Lesbians favour Yamaha, and transgender people prefer Bose." I knelt down and put my hand on his shoulder and said “Son, those are just stereo types.” Hay Jimmyt |
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1259 on: August 24, 2025, 11:22:44 AM » |
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I asked my wife if the cup was half empty or half full... She told me to stop wearing her bra Hay Jimmyt |
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da prez
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« Reply #1260 on: August 28, 2025, 08:34:34 AM » |
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If the government finds diamonds or oil on property you own , it's theirs. If the government finds marijuana on your property , they say it's yours.
da prez
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Chrisj CMA
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« Reply #1261 on: August 28, 2025, 10:09:11 AM » |
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If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards you get "Gnihton Yletulosba",
which means absolutely nothing
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1262 on: August 29, 2025, 11:11:46 AM » |
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Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs? They're afraid of stakeholders. Hay Jimmyt |
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TrapperAH1G
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« Reply #1263 on: August 30, 2025, 10:19:26 PM » |
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Eve explaining to Adam: The troubled didn't start after I ate the apple, it was after I ate the mushroom - that's when the snake started talking.
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TrapperAH1G
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« Reply #1264 on: August 30, 2025, 10:20:43 PM » |
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Burglar: "Aren't you going to call the cops?"
Me: "Why? No one else knows you're here......"
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TrapperAH1G
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« Reply #1265 on: August 30, 2025, 10:22:02 PM » |
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I watched my dog chase his tail for 15 minutes, and thought, "Wow, dogs are so easily entertained." Then I realized I just wateched my dog chase his tail for 15 minutes.
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TrapperAH1G
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« Reply #1266 on: August 30, 2025, 10:23:46 PM » |
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They say "The machines of the future will be as smart as people." Okay, but which people? Because it's kind of matters quite a bit!
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TrapperAH1G
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« Reply #1267 on: August 30, 2025, 10:32:04 PM » |
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I urge you to take care of yourselves and avoid accidents because spare parts for ole models like us are no longer in stock.
Lilttle boy to the lady at the pet shop: "Excuse me, do you have any rabbits?" Lady responds: "Aww, sweetie do you want a white rabbit, a soft fluffy black rabbit, or the little brown rabbit over there?" Little boy answers: "I don't really think my python cares."
After reading the negative effects of drinking and smoking, I've decided to quit reading.
Went the whole day without a nap, pulled an all-dayer.
Sign in a McDonals's window " Great news! We found Mark's finger! Safe to order fries again!"
If I die riding my bike, don't cry for me! Instead, smile for me and know I died doing what I love and with a smile on my face.
Once upon a time there was a little boy who really loved motorcycles. It was me. The end.
Education is important. Riding is imporanter.
Sometimes the supply of available profanity does not meet my daily needs!
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1963
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #1268 on: September 03, 2025, 06:25:55 AM » |
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Jim my husband and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “ahole”.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Jim called him a “d*ck head”.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then, our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1963
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #1269 on: September 03, 2025, 06:27:00 AM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1963
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #1270 on: September 03, 2025, 06:29:17 AM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1963
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #1271 on: September 03, 2025, 06:31:19 AM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1963
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #1272 on: September 03, 2025, 06:50:25 AM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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John Schmidt
Member
Posts: 15285
a/k/a Stuffy. '99 I/S Valk Roadsmith Trike
De Pere, WI (Green Bay)
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« Reply #1273 on: September 03, 2025, 10:21:58 AM » |
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Oh yes...we've all met her or one of her sisters. In fact, I'm pretty sure a former neighbor of mine married one. They were made for each other, the neighbor guy would have come in third in a two person IQ contest with a fencepost. |
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LadyDraco
Member
Posts: 1963
TISE
Bastian, VA. Some of the best roads in the East
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« Reply #1274 on: September 03, 2025, 06:55:12 PM » |
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Life is what you make of it~If it don't fit make alterations...
One does not speak unless one knows.
Never underestimate the power of a woman !
It's a Poor Craftsman who blames their Tools !
This is the way
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da prez
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« Reply #1275 on: September 04, 2025, 07:33:07 AM » |
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My wife say's I don't pay attention and something else!
da prez
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HayHauler
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« Reply #1276 on: September 04, 2025, 11:49:29 AM » |
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Two friends of mine are going to open a marijuana dispensary. It's going to be a joint venture. I'll show myself out...... Hay Jimmyt |
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1277 on: September 05, 2025, 04:06:31 AM » |
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I learned a life lesson today.....
Never fight with a guy wearing flip flops....
This guy is not planning on running!!!
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da prez
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« Reply #1278 on: September 06, 2025, 06:17:57 AM » |
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A priest driving down the road sees a dead pig in the road. He calls the police to let them know. "Did you give the pig last rites" , asked the officer?
"No said the priest , I wanted to contact the next of kin first".
da prez
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DIGGER
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« Reply #1279 on: September 07, 2025, 08:11:31 PM » |
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There is a guy at my wifes job that has been sexually harassing her. I believe its her fault as she is the one who chose to work from home....
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