Thinking it's time for a joke thread.

[Willow]

In the news....

Authorities found a woman drowned in a bath tub full of milk.....they think it might have been done by a serial killer.

That my friend deserves all of these:           

Rams

cereal killer

Yeah, yeah, yeah.   I caught that also but as you reminded someone previously, it's a joke thread. 

Rams

Ah, but that's what makes the joke.   

[Serk]

I went to the zoo the other day.

There was only one animal there.

It was a small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

[f6gal]

In the news....

Authorities found a woman drowned in a bath tub full of milk.....they think it might have been done by a serial killer.

Are you sure you're not just pouring the milk on?

[signart]

In the news....

Authorities found a woman drowned in a bath tub full of milk.....they think it might have been done by a serial killer.

That my friend deserves all of these:           

Rams

cereal killer

Yeah, yeah, yeah.   I caught that also but as you reminded someone previously, it's a joke thread. 

Rams

Ah, but that's what makes the joke.   

You let him slide on the "Lobster Tails"?

[Serk]

They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.

Eiffel.

[Serk]

[gordonv]

The IRS has returned my Tax Return after I apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, ..."Do you have anyone dependent on you?" I  wrote: "7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians." The IRS stated that my response I gave was unacceptable. My response back to the IRS was..."Who did I leave out?" They did not reply




One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe complains to his buddy Mike: "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Mike says: "Listen, you don't have to spend that much money - there's a diagnostic computer at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes about 15 seconds and only costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe fills a jar with his urine and takes it to Costco. He deposits a ten dollar bill and the machine lights up with instructions. Joe pours the sample into the funnel and waits. About 15 seconds later the computer prints and spits out the results:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking about this amazing new diagnostic technology, Joe wonders if the computer can be fooled. He mixes some tap water, and urine samples from his dog, wife and daughter, and his own sperm just for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco the next morning to find out what will happen with this new sample. He deposits the money, then the sample, and waits.

The computer spits out the diagnosis:

1.      Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2.      Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3.      Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4.      Your wife is pregnant with twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.

5.      If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco.                   

[DIGGER]

40 yr old guy at a bar meets a pretty good looking 60 yr old woman.  As the night progresses and the booze is taking affect and its closing time the lady asks "would you like to come over to my place and get in on a 'mother daughter' 3 some?"  He says "sure...never did that before".  They go to her place...walk in the door...the lady goes over to the stairway and hollers "Mom....you up for some wild lovemaking?"

[Tazman11]

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college ...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each of you, put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened ...


The sons became a doctor, a CPA, and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish ...


First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased ...

Next, the CPA placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills ...



Finally, it was Ralphie, the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin and took the $2,000 cash ...



Ralphie the lawyer is now in Congress, possibly from your district ...

[Wizzard]

A guy enters a premature ejaculation clinic. The receptionist asked him what time his appt was?
He said 3:PM.
Well she said "Its 2:30 and you are early".

[DIGGER]

My wife is in the hospital right now.    She got stung by a bee.   Her face is all swollen...blaxk eyes....nauseous....she almost died.   Luckily I was there to hit the bee with a shovel.

[DIGGER]

So let me get this straight. I go to To the
grocery store and buy a lb. of sliced ham
wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic
bag, a gallon of milk in a plastic jug, a pack of
napkins wrapped in plastic, a Greek salad in a
plastic container, a plastic bottle of mustard
and a plastic bottle of ketchup, and they won't
give me a plastic bag to carry it home because
the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

[DIGGER]

A guy tells his Rabbi...."I have a very strong urge to live forever....what can I do?"

The Rabbi says " Get married."

Man: "And that will make me live forever?"

Rabbi:  "No....but it will make the urge disappear."

[John Schmidt]

Our dog swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get checked.

No word yet.

[Serk]

The girl of my 10 year olds told me this one last weekend:

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

.....snow balls.

[Grandpot]

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped with 3 Ho's.

[Grandpot]

Why was Jesus born in a stable?


Mary and Joseph had Obama Care.

[da prez]

How do you make a snowman smile? Start the snowblower 

               da prez

[DarkSideR]

I guess Amber was not Heard.

[Robert]

... A mother is driving her little girl to her friend"s house for a play evening ...

"Mommy "... the little girl asks ... "How old are you" ???...

"Honey ...  you are not supposed to ask a lady her age" ... the mother replied ... "It"s not polite" ...

"OK" ... the little girl says ... "What color was your hair 2 years ago" ???...

"Now really" ... the mother says ... "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business" ...

Undaunted ... the little girl asks ... "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce" ???...

"That's enough questions young lady" ... the mother replies

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play ...

"My Mom won't tell me anything about herself" ... the little girl says to her friend ...

"Well" ... says the friend ...

"All you need to do ... is look at her driver's license" ... "It's like a report card ... it has everything on it" ...

Later that night the little girl says to her mother ... "I know how old you are ... You are 32" ...

The mother is surprised and asks .... "How the hell did you find that out" ???...

The little girl then says ... "I also know that you used to have brown hair" ...

The mother is past surprised and shocked now ... "How in Heaven's name did you find that out" ???...

"And" .... the little girl says triumphantly ... "I know why you and daddy got a divorce" ...

"Oh really" ... the mother asks ... "Why" ???...

The little girl said ... "Because on your driver's license it says you got an "F" for sex" ...!!

[DIGGER]

A cowboy is riding his horse down an old dirt trail and up ahead he sees an indian laying on his stomach with his ear pressed against the ground.....the cowboy sneaks up and hears the indian say "10 covered wagons...40 head of cattle....20 grown men...15 women....6 children....25 chickens....4 pigs....22 horses."

The cowboy speaks up "You telling me you can tell all that by listening to the ground?"

The indian says "No...ran over me 1/2 hr ago...."

[John Schmidt]

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar. 

[POPS 57]

Q: My child will not eat fish,
what can i replace it with.
A: A cat. Cats love fish.

[RP#62]

I like cats, I just can't eat a whole one.


-RP

[DIGGER]

Got a cartoon recently shows a guy at the Pearly Gates and the gate Angel is looking at his computer and says "sorry man.....but your username and your password don't match up...."

[f6john]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[John Schmidt]

I threw a boomerang a few years ago...

I now live in constant fear.

[DIGGER]

Know what you call a boomerang that doesnt come back??

A stick

[DIGGER]

I found a book called "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems"......
So...I bought two.

[DIGGER]

Im much happier since I quit drinking coffee in the morning and started drinking orange juice instead.  My doctor says its because of all the vitamin C and natural sugars in it....personally I think its because of the vodka.

[GWS]

A magician got a job on a cruise ship. He was doing three shows a night.
As he took the stage for his first show, there was the ship's captain sitting front and center with a parrot on his shoulder. The magician makes something disappear, but the parrot yells out "It's up his sleeve!"
During the second show of the night the magician does a different trick and makes something else disappear. The parrot yells "It's under his hat!"
For his final show of the night the magician does his most difficult trick and makes something else disappear. Again, the parrot spoils it by yelling out "His assistant has it!"
That night the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. The next day finds the magician clinging to a piece of wood among the wreckage. On the other end of the piece of wood is the parrot. The parrot just sits there and stares at the magician, not saying a word. Just stares at him. For two days straight the parrot won't stop staring at the magician, not saying a word.
The sun comes up on the third day and the parrot looks to his right, then to his left, then goes back to staring at the magician. Finally he says "Alright. I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

[DIGGER]

An older ex con is at a dance watching and listening to the music when a group of older ladies came over to him to introduce themselves.  Each of the ladies introduced themselves and one asked who he was.   He replied "Ladies.....Im sorry but you all just really dont want to get to know me as I just got out of prison last week after doing 20 yrs for killing my wife."
One of the ladies got bright eyed and exclaimed "oooooh.....so you are single!!!"

[f6john]

[John Schmidt]

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' DVD.

It was here a minute ago

[Robert]

[John Schmidt]

I often wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 10 siblings, but they didn't have a clue either. 

[DIGGER]

I saw a church sign out in the country .....

"Nope....it's not hotter'n Hell"

[Willow]

...
I asked my 10 siblings, but they didn't have a clue either. 

[bassman]

I just realized 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918.  I'm just going to need a minute.

[Willow]

A friend of mine at InZane told me, "Two things don't lie - little children and yoga pants."

Well, maybe the joke thread isn't the best place for deep truths.