H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

I MISS DETROIT...


I was in Florida and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read 'I miss Detroit'.
So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, 'I hope this helps'.
 



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[Roy]

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[Roy]

ACCU WEATHER's LONG RANGE FORECAST FOR THIS WINTER . . .

Why in the joke threads . . . It's impossible to forecast accurately that far in advance, but they may have some inside info that could make this forecast halfway accurate.














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[GreenLantern57]

ACCU WEATHER's LONG RANGE FORECAST FOR THIS WINTER . . .

Why in the joke threads . . . It's impossible to forecast accurately that far in advance, but they may have some inside info that could make this forecast halfway accurate.






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Now if it is the NWS, definately a joke, they can't even get today right much less months from now.
IF this is from Farmer's Almanac, book it!

[Roy]

It is from ACCU WEATHER a private company, now we are waiting for THE WEATHER CHANNELS winter outlook and the National Services Winter outlook.

[Roy]

This Bar Maid knows the secret of getting better tips . . .




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[Jess from VA]

I can't be sure, but it looks like her tips are damn good already.   

[Jess from VA]

Apparently, leghumping will no longer be tolerated.

[grandpaweaver]

Montana State Trooper

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3:00 one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call about a car that was off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver woke up when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40, and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver totally freaked out, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, and then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?

[Jess from VA]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not crap in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[Roy]

Hunk of dried Whale Vomit worth $63,000 . . . The new gold standard.




http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/animal-house/201208/british-boy-stumbles-upon-extremely-valuable-whale-vomit

[Roy]

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[Roy]

THE CONFESSION...



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
 
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
 
'Yes, Father, it is.'
 
'And who was the girl you were with?'
 
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
 
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
 
'I cannot say.'
 
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
 
'I'll never tell.'
 
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
 
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
 
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
 
'My lips are sealed.'
 
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
 
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
 
The priest sighs in frustration.
 
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
 But you've sinned and have to atone.
 You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
 Now you go and say 10 Hail Mary prayers and 10 Our Father prayers... and Joey, behave yourself!'
 
Joey walks back to his pew,
 and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
 'What'd you get?'
 
'10 Hail Mary's, 10 Our Father's, 4 months vacation and 5 good leads for this weekend!'
 

[Roy]

GEOMETERIC LOGIC . . .



 
Never quite saw it this way - but, it's an interesting assessment.

The Wonder of it All:



1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Ouch...

[Roy]

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass to all 50 yrs and older.

Cardiovascular Exercise ...................


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.






























NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job

Have a glass of Wine




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[Roy]

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[Roy]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE...



A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."





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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Drinking cowboy...


A cowboy comes into a bar in Great Falls, Montana, orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "I know. But that's OK. I
have two brothers. One is in Billings, the other in Helena. I'm in Great
Falls. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days we drink together. I drink one for each of my brothers and
one for myself. "The bartender tells him it is a nice custom.

The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn. One day he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but
we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined
the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers
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[Roy]

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[Roy]

AS SEEN ON TV . . . . . HAMBURGER Porn.  .   .    .  Works good with 'Pause'.

DIRECTOR'S CUT: BBQ's Best Pair - Memphis BBQ Burger at Carl's Jr. & Hardees	powered by Aeva

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[sugerbear]

DAMN i must be gettin OLD. mt first thought was man their gonna burn their bellies on that bbq grill. 

[Roy]

What bellies?  Did I miss them?

[Roy]

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[Roy]

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Director's cut of Kate Upton enjoying a Burger at the Drive in !



http://youtu.be/j0xnfnVA74M








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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Beer Commercial, better than Bud's.....



http://youtu.be/MX145Tu4MHY






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[GJS]

Beer Commercial, better than Bud's.....



http://youtu.be/MX145Tu4MHY



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Wow!

[Roy]

Blonde in elevator . . . .   rated  GP




http://youtu.be/bDS_oUqLm-I










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[RudyF6]

Lifted from another forum - couldn't resist! 

"A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for the
road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out on the weekend."
-Craig Ferguson

[Roy]

Lift.  . . . ?    Lifting makes muscles.