H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Ooooops !
























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[Roy]

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[Roy]

1970  vs  2000






1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"









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[bigguy]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me.

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things that we start.
I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz.
Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

[JimmyG]

Old Chinese guy goes into a Jewish clothing store to buy a size 38 black bra. The owner tells him size 38's are becoming very rare and says it'll cost him $25 for the bra. Next day, same Chinese guy comes in and gets the same story, but cost has gone up to $40 and Chinese guy buys all he has, which is five bras. A few days later he comes back, and the price has gone up to $50 bucks, but the Chinese guy buys all he has, takes all 20 pair and leaves. Few days later, Chinese guy comes back, now the black bra's are $75 bucks and he buys all the Jewish owner has in stock. As the little old Chinese guy is leaving, the Jewish owner stops and asks him, "Hey, what's with you buying all the black bras"? The little old Chinese guy says," I cut them in half and sell them to old Jewish guys for $200 bucks each for a skull cap".

Sorry, just got it in email. Don't burn me......

[Super Santa]

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies,

The Secret Service hired all the HoHos,

The generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes,

And the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

[bigguy]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me.

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things that we start.
I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz.
Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

Warning!   Owww! Damn this key board is loud!
Anyway, I just wanted to mention .... hold on a sec. Gotta get some ice for my head.
Anyway, as I was sayn' I felt prudy good lass night, but not so much this morning. I uh .. uh .... oh hell!    OK, That's a litle better. Let's just say the relief was only temporary.

[Roy]

         

[Roy]

The risk of MC side cases . . .





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http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&key=05c870975166525eee12fc837803917a&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.sohc4.net%2Findex.php%3Ftopic%3D115580.0&v=1&libid=1354638379600&out=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fail.to%2Fwatch%2F4863-spazieren-fahren%2F&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.sohc4.net%2Findex.php%3Fboard%3D26.0&title=the%20risk%20of%20side%20cases&txt=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fail.to%2Fwatch%2F4863-spazieren-fahren%2F&jsonp=vglnk_jsonp_13546384521886












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[Roy]

Life Support . . .




A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.






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[Roy]

WIVES DON'T FORGET OLD BOYFRIENDS . . .



Boudreaux take his wife, Cloteele, to a dance down on the bayou, las'
weekend.

They was dis guy on the dance floor dancin' like crazy -
breakdancin', moonwalkin', back flips--the whole works.


Cloteele turn to Boudreaux and say, "See dat guy? Twenty-five year ago,
he propose to me and I turn him down."


Boudreaux paused and say, "Look like he still celebratin'!"








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[Roy]

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[Grumpy]

ve you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
 

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

BIOLOGY EXAM...




This female student is asked how to dissect a penis.

Her answer:  I would use scalpel for soft parts and a surgical saw for the bone.

Examiner:  You don't know much of anatomy, but your boyfriend, he is a keeper.









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[Jess from VA]

OMG!     (this really is English)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dYslhL71k1M

[Jess from VA]

Traveling to the semi-annual OSHA training in the city.   

[Roy]

Tickets must be cheap?

[tank_post142]

new record # of passengers in a VW bus?

[bigguy]

Exceptionally informative headlines:

[Roy]

        

[donaldcc]

  funny bigguy

[Fathertime]

Men Do Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming in

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' says the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replies softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

[grandpaweaver]

A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Hualapai
 Mountains, when an illegal alien ran across a clearing.

 The Arizonian took careful aim, shot and killed him.

 "You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

 "No, no... Remember... this is a Red State; it's legal here in Arizona"
 replied the Arizonan.

 Later that night the Californian went to Kingman to buy some beer
 from Wal-Mart. He put the beer on the roof of his truck and while
 he was making room behind the seat, an illegal alien ran by, grabbed
 the beer, and ran away.

 The Californian thought, "No problem" drew his pistol, shot and
 killed him.

 As he is retrieving his beer, the police came and arrested him.

 "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!"
 protested the Californian.

 "Well, YEAAHH," said the cop, "...BUT, you can't use bait."

[Roy]

           


Been in the Hualapai mtns and didn't see anything but sage brush.

[GreenLantern57]

I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in Northern Alberta.  Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear, charging us and was she mad!!  We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Baretta Jetfire, I would not be here today.


Just one shot to my girlfriend's knee cap was all it took.

The bear got her and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. 

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

Christmas . . .



What do you get if you eat all the Christmas decorations?




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tensilitis

[Roy]

So this old woman goes to the doc's complaining of itching "down there".

She tells the doc she has crabs & needs help. The doc asks when she had sex last & she states she's still a virgin. So he gives her some ointment & tells her if it still persists, to call & he'll send her to a specialist.

Low & behold she calls in a couple days saying it still itches. She makes an appointment & goes to see the specialist. He gets her in the sterups & does an exam. Then he asks her again what's going on. She says that she has crabs & can't take the itching. He says but your a virgin & 75 years old, right? Yes.

Lady, they're not crabs, they're fruit flies. Your cherry rotted!









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[Roy]

ROMANTIC CHRISTMAS STORY . . .



A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see
her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot
to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to
ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store
we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for
you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."








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[Roy]

POLISH PICKEL SLICER . . .


Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle
slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help
from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead
and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became
alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully
confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and
he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his
pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She
looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."









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[Roy]

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WOMAN . . .


Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater...

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, you better be ready to receive a ton of $hit.









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[Roy]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!  Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
 
 








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[Roy]

Dog Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that
He wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world
Like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth
That loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person
Than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like
Never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat,
You aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy
Because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
that's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
He will not bite you;
That is the principal difference between a dog and a man...
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life,
But they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count,
Try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
And then give him only two of them.








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[Roy]

Custody . . .



Philadelphia, Pa (AP) - A seven year-old Philadelphia, Pa boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the ...degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.



After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials and Health and Human Services, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.








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[Roy]

I WAS ARRESTED LAST SUNDAY...



I was minding my own business. I needed gas so headed to the local station to put $30 bucks in the tank.

When I was just about done I noticed this crazy running around the station ranting and raving to anyone who would listen.

I was just taking the nozzle out of the tank filler of my car when all of a sudden I hear behind me HEYYYYYYY. It was so loud and close that I jumped. When I did, I got some gas on my coat sleeve. I put the gas nozzle back in the pump and turned to look at the crazy. I said "whats your problem?" Just then he lit up a ciggerette and flicked the lit match at me and said "YOU ARE".

Would'nt you know it it landed on my left coat sleeve and started it on fire. So I run from the pump so I would'nt start the entire gas station on fire. Im running and waving my arm and slapping at the fire to put it out. I get it out but Im right in front of a Cop. He calls me over to his squad car and arrests me.






You want to know what for?






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He arrested me for waving a fire arm in public.

[Roy]

SENIOR SEX...



Hot and Cold Sex Senior Sex After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to
 be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
 ask me about?'
 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm
 usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the
 second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
 
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said,
 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that
 you would like to discuss with me?'
 
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
 
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual
 problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having
 sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second
 time. Do you have any idea about why?'
 
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time
 is usually in January, and the second time is in August.









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[Roy]

Mayan Calendar end of days.
















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[Dorkman]

Paid Potty Poem . . .

Here I sit, brokenhearted
Paid a nickel and only farted...

[bigguy]