H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Oh yeah!!!

[Roy]

SURGERY FOR DUMMIES . . .



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'







`

[Roy]

SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON . . .



The teacher's lesson for her eight-year-olds was on the resurrection. "Can any of you tell me what the resurrection is?" she asked.

After a period of silence she finally asked little Timmy if her could tell her what the resurrection was.


 "Well, I don't know exactly what it is but I know if it last longer than four hours you are supposed to see your doctor."







`

[Roy]

BABY'S FIRST DOCTORS VISIT . . .



Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed”, she replied..
“Well, strip down to your waist”, the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.”
“I know”, she said, “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came”.







`

[Roy]

Brothel sandwhich . . .



A cross-country trucker who has been on the road for three weeks straight
stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas . He walks straight up to the madam,
drops down $1000 and says, "I want an ugly woman and a bologna sandwich."

The madam is astonished. She says, "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, sweetheart, I ain 't horny. I 'm homesick..








`

[Roy]

GOOSE HUNTING DISASTER . . .


Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16-gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot right in the groin.

 Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
 "What's the bad news?", asks Ole
 "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

 "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
 "Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

 She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."







`

[Roy]

KAWASAKI Touring Bike . . .





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`

[MacDragon]

Seen that before... pretty funny.   

[Roy]

THE SUGAR BOWL . . .


Mrs. Ravioli came to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lived with a
female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony, saying, "Ever since your mothercame to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and
wrote an email:


Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not
saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony


Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you
"do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.








`

[Roy]

An Old Married Couple . . .


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'








`

[Roy]

He received a Ticket last night!



Was driving along last night through a wooded area. All of a sudden a pheasant flys up and I hit it with the roof of my car just above the windshield.
Well that animal goes flying over my car and wouldn't you know it it SPLATS right in the middle of the windshield of the car behind me.
All of a sudden red and blue lights go on and its a cop that got hit with the poor pheasant.
He pulls me over, gets out, walks to my car and pulls out his ticket book. He asks for my license and registration. I hand it to him and ask if there was a problem? He said yes your getting a ticket.


I naturally asked what I was getting a ticket for.



He said,




FOR FLIPPING ME THE BIRD!










`

[bigguy]

[Roy]

       

[Jess from VA]

Hey, you'd look like this too if you spent your life dragging your junk on the ground.

[Kymbo]

The Hunter
   
A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
 
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
 
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
 
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”
 
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

[Jess from VA]

[Jess from VA]

Holy Crap!

 

[MP]

They did.  The constitution as written did NOT allow the "people" to elect the president.  The "electors" chosen actually did the voting, and allowed them to not vote for an "idiot".

That has changed to almost a direct election now.

[Jess from VA]

X-Fracking Explained	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

The Good Doc . . .


A gynecologist had a new patient come see him.

 She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen an all professinalism went out the window.

 He demanded she undress, and while she was disrobing he started stroking her thigh.

 "Do you know what I am doing?"
 " Yes you are checking for dermatological abnormalities".

 That's right he said as he started to fondle her breasts
 "Do you know what I'm doing now?"The panting doctor asked,
 "yes, you are checking for lumps that could indicated breast cancer".

 "That's right the doctor said as he mounted her.
 "Do you know what I am doing now?"
 "yes you are catching syphillis, which is why I came to see you in the first place."







`





`

[GJS]

[GJS]

http://cycletownusa.com/HarleyInetcycletown.htm

[..]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

[Roy]

Parkinsons or Alzheinmers...




Which is worse Parkinsons or Alzeheimers?

Alzheimers...

It's better to spill a drink than to forget where you put the ******* bottle....








`

[GJS]

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while. Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a 100 dollar bill, and gives it to him "Awww, honey, you're so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight. Remember now, this happens only this once. OK?" The husband can't believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, "Jenny says this is not enough, she wants five hundred." The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Why that damn bitch. When she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him a hundred!"

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

MEMORY TROUBLE ?



An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
 
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'










`

[Jess from VA]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice,"I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just what kind of ammo have you got to trade?"

 

[bigguy]

[Thulsa Doom]

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting,
so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,
or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, “snuggle it, soldier on!”


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" 
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

`

















`

[Jess from VA]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly
well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or
hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?'
 
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red
meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride motorcycles
or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

She looked at me and said,

'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'
 

[Roy]

SAVE MONEY WHERE YOU CAN . . .


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'










`

[bigguy]

From the Facebook page: Military quotes
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Military-quotes/359279717487046


Officers
Making simple
crap hard
since 1775

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

Fascinate . . .




The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried .







`

[Roy]

SOMETIMES A SIMPLE SOLUTION IS THE BEST . . .



A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.


"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."










`

[GJS]

An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.  She respectfully approached the Italian woman walking the dog and said:  "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

''What happened to him?"

"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman replied, "Get in line."

[GJS]

Dating Ads for Seniors ...
Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper:
Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?
----------------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.  Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
----------------------------------------------------
My fav …
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.