H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

LIPSTICK IN A CATHOLIC SCHOOL . . .


According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced

with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use

lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it

was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their

lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of

little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and

the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister

Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to

the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained

that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian,

who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns

from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to

clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls

how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped

it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have

been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers...... And then there

are educators! If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for

her!






`

[Fritz The Cat]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the definitive answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

German joke, been around before, and woth reading again.



5 Cannibals. . .





Join Date: Feb 2009
location: Germany
Posts: 19









5 cannibals

« on: March 27, 2013, 07:05:03 AM »

Quote


Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a new Mining project.

During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others,
"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand is hesitantly raised.

The leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"








`

[.]

Blonde joke of the week.


A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...



~









Win a Bagel

That was good. And now I've got to go find a paper towel to wipe the coffee off of my computer screen before I have to explain to my boss why coffee is decorating the screen. 

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

INNER PEACE . . .


I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

 A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.

 I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

 Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.








`

[Roy]

IRISH HUMOR . . .


Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence. The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years before the Mother Superior said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been
here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Mother Superior. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Mother Superior assured her that
the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary in the community, the Mother Superior again called Sister Mary Katherine into her office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Mother Superior. "You've done nothing but gripe since you got here."








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[Roy]

What does a long neck bottle of beer and a blonde have in common?







*







THey both are full of air from the neck up.

[Roy]

LESSON IN IRONY . . .



The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
 
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves!!!"
 







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[Roy]

LOGIC . . .


Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
 Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
 
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and
meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for
 the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
... "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
 
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
 
"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I
 think that you would have a yard."
 
"That's true, I do have a yard."
 
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
 logically that you would have a house."
 
"Yes, I do have a house."
 
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
 
"Yes, I have a family."
 
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.
And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
 
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
 
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is
 signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
 
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
 
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
 
"No."
 
" Then you're a queer... "






`

[Roy]

FROG NEEDS A LOAN . . .

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."







`

[Roy]

Modern Bible Study . . .


The state of Washington approved gay marriage and legalized marijuana in the

December 6th 2012 election. It all makes sense now; Gay marriage & marijuana

 being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man

 he should be stoned." We were just interpreting it wrong.  ?








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[Roy]

`









`

[Lyn-Del]

The Brits Abroad

Thomas Cook Holidays list of some of their UK customer’s genuine complaints.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly
guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Roy]

They don't have sceeters in England at all ?

[Roy]

Manager at Walmart . . .





Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a
job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliche for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yip, TURNING ON A
LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!










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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Simple instructions to keep a woman happy. . .















`

[pitbull]

Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.

"Well.....go look in the garage..."

[Roy]

Two North Korean Jets Scrambled to bring down a B_2 Bomber..


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[Jess from VA]

T-Shirts

[Roy]

Unemployed Mime . . .



One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly.

The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
*









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[Roy]

P U N S . . .



I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .

When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.




`

[Roy]

Reprint ...



C O F F E E . . .



You might be addicted to coffee if. .

 You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

 You sleep with your eyes open.

 You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

 The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

 You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

 You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

 Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

 You chew on other people's fingernails.

 The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

 You can jump-start your car without cables.

 You don't sweat, you percolate.

 You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

 You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

 People get dizzy just watching you.

 Instant coffee takes too long.

 You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

 You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

 You short out motion detectors.

 You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

 You help your dog chase its tail.

 You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

 Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

 You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

 You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.







`

[bigguy]

[Roy]

No Monkeys . . . this joke is about Grizzly Bears!



A woman hiking in Yellowstone Park was chased by a grizzly bear and she ran to a ranger station where she was arrested by park rangers. It's illegal to run through the park with a bear behind.










`

[Roy]

LAWN . . .





I was sitting in the shade watching my wife mow the lawn.

Our neighbor lady said to me: "You should be hung!" 

I said: "I am, that is why she is mowing the lawn!"







`

[Roy]

CROAK LIKE A FROG . . .





A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her
Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and
bursts into her Grandpas room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly,
"as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak,
we're all going to Disney World!”





`

[Roy]

Irish Compassion . . .

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.

Three women, the first was from England, the second Wales, and the third was Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a nice warm hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a gentle kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman said,   " Laddie, Have you ever been fooked before?  You will be when the tide comes in..







`






`

[Roy]

ON TIME . . . . .




A young mother and her four year-old son were taking a trip on Northwest airlines.

The little boy watched intently out the window then turned to his mother and asked; "If big horses have baby horses and big dogs have baby dogs, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Somewhat embarressed the woman suggested he ask the flight attendant.

When she came around he did just that. She looked to the boys mother who hid her face in a book pretending not to notice.

"Did your mommy tell you to ask me that?"

"Yes, she did." said the little boy.

"Well I don't know about other airlines, but we don't have baby planes because Northwest always pulls out on time. Now ask your mommy to explain THAT!"








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[Roy]

`
Biker  BBBalls ...[/size][/color]













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[Roy]

Beer Can Motorcycle side car . .






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[Jess from VA]

Hey, It's illegal to transport open intoxicant containers.

[Roy]

Should have known better, will not post illegal activity again..



`       

[miscott]

   

[Roy]

I like the Frenchy  and the Spanish woman I've never met yet..





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Chevy influenced Motorcycle.













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[Roy]

Baseball In Heaven?



Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both lived to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly fell deathly ill. His friend came to visit him on his deathbed, and they reminisced about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asked:

 "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

 The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he died.

 A couple days later, the surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

 "What's the bad news?"

 "You're pitching on Wednesday."







`

[Roy]

The Yellow Light


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...

I assumed you had stolen the car.''







`

[miscott]