H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Jess from VA]

Gotta watch what those Krauts are doing . . .  Could this be the start of the Fourth Reich in Munich?

I love that.... don't know what they're singin', but it seems upbeat and happy to me.

My Gott, som dem fraulein gott some fine busen and buttom onem. 

[RainMaker]

My Gott, som dem fraulein gott some fine busen and buttom onem. 

Jawohl!!!!!

[Roy]

This must be why were keeping a huge military force in the Fatherland.  Someone must watch the Fra activity.

[Jess from VA]

Must watch to the end.  It is in China, so I guess he goes to the USA.

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[Roy]

Skunk Family . . .


A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"





After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now; Let us spray!"










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[Roy]

Horniest animal alive...







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[Dorkman]

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.


The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
 
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
 
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
 
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
 
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
 
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
 
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
 
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
 
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
 
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
 
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
 
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
 

[Roy]

That was grrrrrrreat!   

[Roy]

Todays Bible Quote . . .


From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!











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[Roy]

A frightening statistic...



THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.










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[Roy]

A little Weiner humor...


There once was a jerk named Weiner

Who had perverted demeanor

Forced from the Hill

For Acting like Bill

Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.





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[Roy]

Hope Abdul doesn't lose his head...


An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to all of the salt that's in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a refreshing glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off, only to return with a glass of cool refreshing water, but then came the time when Abdul returned, he was empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Odious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well!"








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[Roy]

Forklift driver test...


A Redneck and a New Englander were two of many folks that applied for a forklift driver job.

After numerous interviews It came down to the Redneck and the Yankee. They were each given a forklift driving test and a twenty question written test.

The manager called the two guys in and informed them that they had both passed the driving test with flying colors and had both scored 19 out of 20 on the written test. After much thought the foreman said they were going to give the forklift driving job to the New Englander.

The Redneck demands to know why they gave the job to the Yankee since they were tied on everything. The foreman said their decision was based on the question they both got wrong. On question #7 the Yankee has written in the answer slot, I don't know. The Redneck had written, Me neither.






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[Roy]

Mildred and the Gossip....


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.






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[Roy]

After hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream wagon wouldn't have come along.




























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[Roy]

Husband takes wife dancing...


There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!








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[Roy]

Bottle #47 . . .



A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

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[Roy]

Must be a Viking's fan.

[Jess from VA]

Wild bike............ another pants FAIL.

[Roy]

That would look gross without the extra long shirt he has on..

[OzarkRider]

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

[Roy]

Bet she's glad the Officer was so understanding.

[Roy]

Weatherman math...



A weather forecaster answering a math question.

Teacher: What does 4 + 3 equal?

Weather Forecaster: About 7 with a 40% chance of being 8 and the possibilty of 9 in low lying areas.







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[Roy]

Little ole Lady in a sex shop. . . . .



The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story:
 
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering, she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong a aand aabbou t twoo inchess tht hiick... aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'

She asks: ' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe sunoooffab#$%* offffff?'



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[Roy]

Blonde Pottpourri . . .


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...She thought General Motors was in the army.
...She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she studied for a blood test.
...She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
_


Old age is like fine wine,you just get better.

[Roy]

Sorry riders still learning Windows 8... can't do much posting here until I
Understand the new software better!

[Roy]

Keep your eye on the Priest...


A man spent the day at the horse track. He observed a Catholic priest who
was really enjoying the outing, and apparently doing very well. So the man
decided to see if the priest had any "secret" to picking horses. Between
races, he followed the clergyman as he walked through the stables.

The priest stopped at one stall, made some kind of sign that he couldn't
quite see. The next race, that horse, a long shot, won easily. Curious, the
man observed this several times, each time the priest winning with his
"blessed" horse.

Finally, the man made his move. At the next trip he watched the priest
and then went to the window and bet heavily on the horse selected by the priest.

As the gate opened, his horse bolted out of the gate and fell dead scant
yards from the starting gate. The man was incredulous!

He approached the priest and boldly demanded an explanation.

"You're not Catholic, are you?" calmly asked the priest.

"No, but what does that matter?" demanded the loser.

"Well, if you were," continued the priest, "you'd know the difference
between Blessing and Last Rites."






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[Roy]

Sex after surgery...



A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.



 A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight.






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[Roy]

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[Jess from VA]

Impressive artillery piece, but the soldier hopping march during setup is hilarious.  Monty Python has nothing on these guys.  Funny too what the Brits leave behind.

It was suggested that when the enemy observes them setting up the piece, they will be laughing so hard, they will not be able to counterstrike in time.  Ingenious really.

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[Roy]

Look like Orientals to me?   Sort of queer the way they hop about..

[Roy]

Your Arteries may hurt just looking at this picture.

What do you wash it down with a Coke or Coffee?






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[Roy]

The Pirate . . .



A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

 The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

 “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

 “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “It was my first day with my hook”







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[OzarkRider]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Roy]

    

Belly busting laugh..


.

[Roy]

That's why there are so many men Baching.

 :cooldu  

[Roy]

Ole and Sven . . .


Both Ole and Sven wanted some money, so they went to the bank for a loan. Sven went in first. "I want $10,000!"

"What do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a pilot!" said Sven.

"Well, that is a good profession!" said the manager, so he gave him the money.

Then Ole went in and said, "I want $10,000 too!"

"Well, what do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a lumberjack," he replied.

"Well, I can't give a lumberjack that kind of money," said the manager.

"Well, what's the deal with that, if I don't cut the wood, Sven can't pile it."




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[Roy]

The Govenator . . .


Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I'll be Bach."







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[Roy]

Ole and Sven in the Unemployment Office. . .


Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said "Seam stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up seam stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: "Seam stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls the panties over his fat head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."







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YEP THESE WILL FIT HER   =     Diesel fit her









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[RDAbull]

The Plan
 
In the beginning was the Plan
 
And then came the Assumptions
 
And the Assumptions were without form
 
And the Plan was completely without substance
 
And a Darkness was upon the faces of the Workers
 
And they spoke amoungst themselves, saying
 
"This is a Crock of crap, and it Stinketh"
 
 
And the Workers went to their Supervisors, and Sayeth unto them
 
"This is a Pail of Dung and none may abide by the Odor thereof"
 
 
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them
 
"This is a container of Excrement and it is very Strong, such that None may abide by It"
 
 
And the Managers went to the Vice-Presidents, and sayeth unto them
 
"This is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide by it's Strength"
 
 
And the Vice-Presidents spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another
 
"This contains That which Aids plant growth, and it is very Strong"
 
 
And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto Him
 
"This Promotes Growth and is Very Powerful"
 
 
And the President went unto the Board of Directors, and sayeth unto Them
 
"This new Plan will actively Promote the Growth and Efficiency of this Company,
And will Solve All of the Problems We face for the coming Year"
 
 
And the Board of Directors looked upon the Plan and saw that It was Good,
 
 
And the Plan became Policy....
 
 
And this my Friends, is how Corporate crap HAPPENS
 
 
Roger