H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

A Glockman's dish...


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[Roy]

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[Roy]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - 

 The missus bought a Paperback,
 down Shepton Mallet way,
 I had a look inside her bag;
 ... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"....
 Well I just left her to it,
 And at ten I went to bed.
 An hour later she appeared;
 The sight filled me with dread...
 In her left she held a rope;
 And in her right a whip!
 She threw them down upon the floor,
 And then began to strip.
 Well fifty years or so ago;
 I might have had a peek;
 But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
 She's eighty four next week!!
 Watching Mabel bump and grind;
 Could not have been much grimmer.
 And things then went from bad to worse;
 She toppled off her Zimmer!
 She struggled back upon her feet;
 A couple minutes later;
 She put her teeth back in and said
 I am a dominater !!
 Now if you knew our Mabel,
 You'd see just why I spluttered,
 I'd spent two months in traction
 For the last complaint I'd uttered.
 She stood there nude and naked
 Bent forward just a bit
 I went to hold her, sensual like
 and stood on her left tit!
 Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
 My god what had I done!?
 She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
 "Step on the other one"!!
 Well readers, I can't tell no more;
 About what occurred that day.
 Suffice to say my jet black hair,
 Turned fifty shades of grey
 
__________________
 Without men civilization would last until the oil needs changing.
 
 

[Roy]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on...


They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!" she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella “Mississippi.”




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[Roy]

Plane Pilot. . .




Two guys get on a plane. Oh my god, says one, the pilot's a woman! God help us! Now then says the other, this is the 21st century and you can't be sexist or patronising to women.  Besides, it's not as if she'll have to reverse it or anything!




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[Roy]

Friday Friars. . .    (WARNING... some readers might consider this a Groaner joke)



These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.






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[Roy]

Confession in Naples...


“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I'll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed Father.”

“Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

“Four month's vacation and five excellent leads.”




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[Roy]

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Toilet Seat. . .



My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take
Care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."





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[Roy]

Vroom,  Vroom . . .



The girlfriend tells me the other day that our lovelife is not what it used to be. I go to my doctor and tell him this.
 He asked me if I tried Viagra. I told him yes but it didn't work.
 He asked if I tried this other stuff. Said that didn't work either.
 Finally he told me he could give me a shot, but wasnt sure if it would work or not.
 He made me promise I would come back and tell him in 3 days if it worked or not.
 After 3 days I went back to the Doctor. He asked me what happend?
 I told him it was the greatest thing ever. I could make love and make love and make love and make love and make love.
 Then he asked me how did my girlfriend like it.

 I had to tell him I don't know.






 Haven't been home yet.






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[Roy]

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[bigguy]

[Roy]

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[bigguy]

Once in a generation, a truly GREAT idea comes along. I'm honored to have been witness to this one.

[Moonshot_1]

Once in a generation, a truly GREAT idea comes along. I'm honored to have been witness to this one.

This will fail.

If the adults are out ringing door bells and getting Vodka and Bacon, this means the Kids are HOME giving out Vodka and Bacon.

While they are drinking the bourbon and the beer and eating the chocolates and steaks.

Epic fail.

[Roy]

How about giving out Orange and Black Jello Shooters to the Adults?

[Roy]

Keep chalk in your car, MC, or bicycle. . .















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[Roy]

Not a Face or breast lift, but a Butt Lift








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[Roy]

I Wonder If this I Why People Didn't Get Out Of The Way Of Katrina

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Someone sent this to my dad and of course dad sends it to me.

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along...

 Black hurricanes....



 Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes
 are all Caucasian sounding names..

 She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

 She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially
 biased language of the weather report.

 I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand

 I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...



 Wazzup, bros and hos! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a rocket!


 Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE stuff!









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[Roy]

Two Bit Justice...



A woman is on trial for killing her husband, and claims extenuating circumstances.
 Lawyer: "Now, during the argument you say your late husband provoked you into a blind fury."
 Woman: "Yes, he did."
 Lawyer: "And how did he do that?"

 Woman: "He called me a two-bit wh***."

 Lawyer: "And how did you react to that?"

 Woman: "I beat him to death with a bag of quarters."





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[Roy]

Nosy TSA . . .


As I frequently fly with a handgun and make sure it is packed like the specific airline wants, I have grown weary of finding the TSA notice in my baggage that it has been rummaged through, I mean inspected.

Now when I travel I make sure my dirty underwear is always packed on top, racing strip up. If the TSA wants to see what is in my suitcase they can now get an eyeful.

[Roy]

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Red Bull for her Sports Car ?


















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[Roy]

The FBI had a vacancy for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman...

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances....
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.... Kill her!!'.
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'.

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'..
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes...

The man came out with tears in his eyes,. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'.The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'...

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband... She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another... They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet... The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow...
 
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said... 'I had to kill him with the chair'...!!!!..

Moral of the Story: Women can be nasty...!!..






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[Roy]

Deer boards a Bus...














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[Roy]

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Nose Ring . . . (like they wear in Africa)





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[Roy]

Scotsman attends first Baseball game...



A Scotsman moves to Boston and attends his first Red Sox game.



The first Red Sox batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.



Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run".



The next batter hits a single.



The Scot listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN, RUN".



The Scot is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.



The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.



The Umpire calls: "Walk."



The batter starts his slow trot to first base.



The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RUN!"



The people around him begin laughing.



Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.



A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."



The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie !"









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[Roy]

Car Keys...



Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
 A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

 Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
 His theory is that the car will be stolen.
 As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.


 I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.


 Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

 There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

 Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

 He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."



 Yep, it's the golden years................






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[Roy]

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[Roy]

On the Beach...



A widow was sunbathing on a beach at
 Boca Raton, Florida .

 She looked up, and noticed that a man about her age
 had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next
 to hers, and begun reading a book.

 Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation
 with him. 'Hello, sir, how are you today?'
 'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to
 his book.

 'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she
 asked.

 'First time since my wife passed away two years
 ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.

 'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away
 three years ago and it has been very lonely,' she
 countered.

 'Do you live around here?' she asked.

 'Yes, I live over in Suntree,' he answered, and
 again resumed reading.

 Trying to find a topic of common interest, she
 persisted. 'Do you like pussycats?'

 With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his
 blanket and on to hers,
 tore off her swimsuit,
 and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

 When the cloud of sand began to settle, the widow
 gasped and asked the man,
 'How did you know that was what I wanted?'

 The man replied, 'How did you know my name was
 Katz?'









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[Roy]

Birthday present for Lena...



Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the jewelers. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

 "So vat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.

 "Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "it's my Lena's birthday tomorrow and ven I asked her this morning vat she vanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, yust give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"

 "So vat did you get her?" Ole asks.

 Sven replied, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards."







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[Roy]

Deserted Island...



One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.



He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and
zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a
waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She
looked at the trembling man and asked,

"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,







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[OzarkRider]

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[Roy]

Retirement Activities...



Retirement Activities:
 I've often been asked, "what do you do now that you're retired?"



 Well, I have a chemistry background and one of the things I enjoy the most is turning beer, vodka and wine into urine. And, I'm pretty darn good at it!!



 Thank God I paid attention in school.......







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[Roy]

Sharing is Caring



Sharing in marriage...The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
 He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

 He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

 Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
 As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

 People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
 Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
 This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
 Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
 She answered ---



 'THE TEETH.'






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[bigguy]

http://damnxd.org/view.php?fid=15006

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

Coming Mergers...





1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
 Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 2. PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
 Poly, Warner Cracker.

 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
 MMMGood.

 4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
 ZipAudiDoDa .

 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
 FedUP.

 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
 Fairwell Honeychild.

 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
 PouponPants.

 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
 Knott NOW!

 And finally...

 9. Victoria 'S Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
 TittyTittyBangBang







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[Roy]

Soldier joke. . . .  (aussie)



A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

 "One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

 The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

 Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

 The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ... there's actually two of them."







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[Roy]

All Seniors aren't Senile!



An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

 He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 The old man said,
 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

 The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 The old man seeing this said,
 'We'll take it.'



 The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check.
 I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

 Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
 'There's no money in that account.'

 'I know,'
 said the old man,
 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

[Roy]

How much is that Barbie in the Window?  (joke from a demented friend)


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.

 He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir?
 We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95″.

 The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.






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[Roy]

No specific party to blame the mess on..






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