H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

When told the reason...


When told the reason for daylight saving time the

 old Indian said...


 'Only a white man would believe that you could cut

 a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the

 bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.'





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[Roy]

Mexican Maid...


A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
 >>
 >> The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria,
 >>
 >> why do you
 >>
 >> want a pay increase?"
 >>
 >> Maria: "Well Senora,
 >>
 >> there are three reasons why I want an increase.
 >>
 >> The first is that I
 >>
 >> iron better than you."
 >>
 >> Wife: "Who said you iron better than
 >>
 >> me?"
 >>
 >> Maria: "Your husband said so."
 >>
 >> Wife: "Oh."
 >>
 >> Maria: "The
 >>
 >> second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
 >>
 >> Wife: "Nonsense, who
 >>
 >> said you were a better cook than me?"
 >>
 >> Maria: "Your husband did."
 >>
 >> Wife:
 >>
 >> "Oh."
 >>
 >> Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than
 >>
 >> you."
 >>
 >> Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as
 >>
 >> well?"
 >>
 >> Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
 >>
 >>
 >>      ...SHE GOT THE  RAISE!





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[Roy]

Wedding Night...


One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with
no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up
and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed,
they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her
husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
\She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,
the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots.
I need more rope!"




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[wiggydotcom]

The Washington Redskins are the latest target of the politically correct crowd, including President Obama.

After careful consideration, the team has decided to drop "Washington" from it's name because it's downright embarrassing!

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Seeking advise from G. W.

















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[Roy]

Elevator...


I was beaten up by a woman today!
I was in the elevator when a busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs when she said
"Would you please press one"

So I did......


I don't remember much afterwards.....





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[Roy]

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[Roy]

At the Pharmacist. . .


A man walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist. Additionally, she and her sister owned the store and there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

 He said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

 The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

 He reluctantly agreed and began by saying: "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

 The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll have to consult with my sister."

 When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do,1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."





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[Roy]

Pray for my hearing.......   (Aussie downunder joke)


The preacher inquired "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants
to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the
altar."

With that, an Aboriginal guy got in line, and when it was his
turn, the vicar asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray
about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with
my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear,
placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then
prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood
back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"







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[Roy]

Calming a Husband..


A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

 The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

 The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

 Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."







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[Roy]

Day Ruined







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[Roy]

Baby George of the Royal Family has already done three of the things on my bucket list..




1. Become a billionaire

2. Meet the Queen

3. Fondled Kate's breasts







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[Roy]

Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and
 became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to
 much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.




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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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Adolf on National Health Care Program...

Hitler finds out about Obamacare Exchange Problems	powered by Aeva

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[Valkorado]

It seems a little humor is called for.  Who could be better to turn to than Larry, the cable guy?

 

1. A day without sunshine is like night. 

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have. 

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12.. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

16.. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 

20.. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[Roy]

Alaska the last frontier...


An old trapper had been suffering for months with a toothache. Upon his arrival in town to sell his furs and resupply he went to a dentist.

 He searched out a dentist and told him " I want this tooth pulled." The dentist of course suggests doing a root canal to save the tooth. " nope, just pull the darn thing."

 " I really don't want to pull it, and besides it would be extremely painful as I have no novacaine. The old trapper insists on having it pulled and says "I have only felt pain once in my life and pulling this tooth ain't gonna bother me."

 The dentist reluctantly agrees to pull the tooth. He begins by trying to rock the tooth back and forth with an extractor while watching his patient. Not even a hint of pain on the trappers face. After a good deal of pulling and rocking the tooth loosens with still no sign of discomfort to the trapper.

 Finally the tooth is out and the astonished dentist asks the trapper; "I am curious as to how you were able to stand having that tooth pulled without even a single utterance of pain. "Well, doc , I ain't felt pain but once in my life" the trapper says, " and this was a breeze." " I just have to know what it was that caused you to feel pain? " the dentist asked.

 " Well, a few years back during a terrible storm while holed up in the cabin I got a little drunk. So the next day while out checking my trap line, mother nature caused me to be a little less careful than usual. " I stepped off the trail to relieve myself and upon dropping my trousers my package went thru the snow and triggered a bear trap." "Egads that must have hurt something awful." interrupted the dentist. " Naw, that wasn't bad."

 The dentist now horrified says " then what in the he!! has caused you pain? " " When I hit the end of that chain! "

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Workman's Comp for having sex...


An Australian civil servant has lost a bid for compensation for an injury incurred while she was having sex during a work trip.

The woman was injured when a light fitting fell on her and a colleague while they were having sex in a motel.

The claimant initially won compensation from government insurer Comcare.

But the High Court overruled that judgement, saying the woman's employer had not encouraged her to engage in the activity that led to the injury.
Final ruling

The woman says she suffered damage to her nose, mouth and a tooth and psychological trauma after the light fitting was pulled from its mount.

But after a lengthy legal battle, four of the High Court judges ruled against the woman, with one judge dissenting.

"When the circumstances of an injury involve the employee engaging in an activity at the time of the injury, the relevant question is: did the employer induce or encourage the employee to engage in that activity?" the court said.

"On the facts of the respondent's case, the majority held that the answer to that question was 'no'."

The woman, who has not been named, has no further right to appeal.





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[.]

There are some things you just can't make up.

[Super Santa]

 You know your neighbor is a redneck when your jack-o-lantern has more teeth than him.

[Roy]

How to cup up a Moose...


I think most of us use this process, I know I do!

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs,
sirloin, etc, etc.

When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them . . .

. . . "Moosellaneous."







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[Roy]

Crapper's of the World Photo Quizz. . .



http://toys.usvsth3m.com/crapper-mapper/






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[Roy]

I knew we would find this out someday. They finally released the
 ingredients in Viagra:


 

 
13% Spray Starch

10% Yeast

10% Baking Powder

 67% Fix-A-Flat



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[Roy]

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[Jess from VA]

The Queen's Riddle

Obama asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. Watch..." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Biden went to work in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there. Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!"

Biden then went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Valkorado]

3 Holy Men & A Bear
 
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Roy]

           

[Hooter]

And they say the "last word" thread is bad....LMAO!   

[HayHauler]

Who is "THEY"?  hahahaha

Hay 
Jimmyt

[Grumpy]

Magic beer

Guy walks into a tavern that is on the roof of a building.
He sits down beside another man, and ask what is that you are drinking.
The guy says Magic beer. The other guy says Magic beer ?  what is magic about it.
The guy orders another and drinks it down, goes to the edge of the building and jumps off,
He fly's around the building a couple times and returns to his seat.
The new comer says wow, orders 2 and drinks both of them and jumps off the roof,
he falls 30 ft to the ground.
The bartender says to the guy, you know you are a real arsehole when you have been drinking Superman.

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Local Police Broken into...


Yup they broke into the cop shop and they stole all the toilets in the place.

 The Chief of Police was on the news saying they had no leads.

 He also said now they have nothing at all to go on.







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[Roy]

Win By Loseing...


Israels economy is in a bad way. Inflation is getting higher
 and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world.

 problems, problems, problems, but what should they do about it,
 So the Israel government holds a special session to come up
 with a solution.
 After several hours of talk without progress one member,Yitzhak,
 stands up and says,"Quiet everyone I've got it, Ive got the solution
 to all our problems. We Declare War on the United States of America"

 Everyone starts shouting at once,You're nuts, That's crazy!!
 Hear me out says Yitzhak...We declare war. We lose then the
 United States does what she always does when she defeats a country.
 She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports,shipping ports,schools,
 hospitals,factories,and loans us money,and sends us food aid.
 Our problems would be over..

 Sure says Benny, another minister,"And what if we win?






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[Roy]

Ole and Sven in Purgatory...



Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them “Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?”

Ole replies, “Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesoota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.”

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, “Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?”

Sven replies, “Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, “I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?”

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, “Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.”








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[Roy]

Sit down and blast...................










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[Roy]

Montana Bail Bondsman...





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[bigguy]

Found on Facebook. I could use one of those.

[Roy]