H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Detn8er]

The queen of a land far, far away had huge breasts. A knight in that kingdom wanted so badly to ‘handle’ them but he knew the penalty for his crime would be death. He asked a friend of his, the alchemist, Horatio what he should do. Horatio said, “I know how you can get your desire, for 1000 gold coins.” Nick, the knight, wanted the queen’s boobs so badly, he agreed. Horatio took a high potency itching powder and put it in the queen’s bra while she was bathing. A few hours later she was itching away and couldn’t get it to stop. Finally, her husband, the king, called Horatio and asked how he could get the itching to stop. Horatio said, “Only a certain type of saliva, when applied for 4 hours, will free your wife. And the knight Nick is the only person who possesses this type.” The king sent for Nick. Horatio then put the antidote for the powder on Nick’s tongue, and he got to work right away on the queen’s boobs for 4 hours. Nick was hailed a hero and went his way. The next day, Horatio demanded his payment of 1000 coins. Nick, after gotten his fill of boobs, saw no reason to pay him. So Horatio went and put a higher dosage in the king’s underwear. The king immediately sent for Nick….. Moral of the story.....PAY YOUR DEBT!! 

[tank_post142]

Every kiss begins with Kay, BUT, remember: Ugly begins with U .

[Roy]

Cuss'n . . .



A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your azz it won't be Cheerios."






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[Roy]

Presidential Briefing...  (not political)







This morning the Secretary of Defense gave a briefing to Obama.

The Secretary said "Sir, I have some bad news. Two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Shocked, Obama put his face in his hands and shook his head back and forth, visibly upset.

With a tear in his eye he asked the Defense Secretary, "Exactly how many is two Brazilian?"

[Jess from VA]

That was originally a Bush joke. 

[Roy]

Telling off the wife...


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'


The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'





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[Roy]

Panda...


A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. "Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage.

The panda pauses on his way out, produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation: "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."




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[Roy]

Free Windows . . .



I think this gal is named Jet something ?????

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that he had completed the work a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
 
Hellooooo,…just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so I told him they're paid for. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.





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[Roy]

New Wine for seniors ___



lare Valley vintners in South Australia,
which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


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PINO MORE







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[Super Santa]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...

…"See what you get for five bucks!?"

[Roy]

A drunk walking in the woods...



A drunk was walking in the woods next to a stream when he came upon a preacher baptizing some folks.

The preacher noticing the alcohol odor asked if the drunk wanted to find Jesus. The drunk said yes. So the preacher immersed the drunk's head in the water. When his head was up the preacher asked him if he found Jesus. The drunk said , No.

So the preacher doused him again and when his head was out of the water the preacher again asked if he had found Jesus. The same answer. No.

A bit exasperated the preacher now dunked the drunk's head under water for about 30 seconds. After letting the drunk stop sputtering the preacher asked ,For Lord's Sake, did you find Jesus ?

The drunk then asked, Are you sure this is where he fell in ????






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[Super Santa]

Three Wishes
 
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them!"
 
Her mom first asked for world peace.
 
Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
 
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.
 
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
 
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
 
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Roy]

Beach Life



While Ron was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica .
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you were better looking it would lift itself."





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[Roy]

The night nurse...


A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....just great..........some a$$hole's got my pen!'




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[Roy]

Gun collecting...



ou may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who
was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned
100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition
stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be
called "mentally unstable."

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In San Francisco the liberals would deny he even existed (while he is taken
away and his guns given to politicians).

In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve
judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.”

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana and Kentucky, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.”

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, and South Carolina he would be called
a “deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he's just "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."






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[Roy]

Coffee addict...



Are you a coffee addict? If you have five or more of the following symptoms, you are officially addicted to coffee. Go immediately to the nearest coffee shop for treatment. Griz, it is not necessary to put your mind in neutral to answer. You may continue in hyperdrive.


____ *Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

____ *You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

____ *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

____ *You sleep with your eyes open

____ *You have to watch videos in fast-forward

____ *You lick your coffee pot clean

____ *Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

____ *The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

____ *You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

____ *You can jump-start your car without cables

____ *Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

____ *You don't sweat, you percolate

____ *You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

____ *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

____ *You've worn the finish off you coffee table

____ *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you

____ *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

____ *You're so wired you pick up FM radio

____ *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"

____ *Instant coffee takes too long

____ *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

____ *You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

____ *Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

____ *Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup





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[Roy]

Unrest in the Middle East...


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Due to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to other industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the re-emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Since many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like, they have reconsidered their benefit packages.

TB

EDIT NOTE..these morons will be shocked when they get to heaven & find 72 Virginians, not virgins.







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[Jess from VA]

I never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition. This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is:

UP

It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n], or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but in the morning we wake UP?

We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses —because we never want to screw UP.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain, things dry UP.

It's no wonder children are messed UP—one minute we tell them to speak UP and then we tell them to shut UP.

Oh ... one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?


U

P!

[standcool]

Speaking of Politics:
I would like to know if anyone would be interested in riding with me out to Washington DC to attend a huge event known as "American spring" on May 15th thru May 18th. This is a well organized 3 day (or longer, if you wish to stay longer) effort by American patriots to tell Obama and a corrupt Congress that we are PISSED; and want them out. I will be leaving S.E. Indiana at 5am May 15th (Thursday).  And will be home Sunday night the 18th. I have booked a nice room (with 2 queen beds of course) that you are welcome to share the cost with me on.
(Non-smoking. Non-SNORING please.) Find more info on the event at patriotsforamerica.ning.com
Feel free to call ME at (812) 346-1986. Or E-mail me at standcool@yahoo.com
Join me in the fight!!  -stan cool 

[Jess Tolbirt]

Puns for educated minds: I didnt see this one on here yet so here goes,

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical aleutian.


3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.


10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


17. A backward poet writes inverse.


18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.


21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own

 

27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Roy]

The Pirate...


A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look like ****."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."
"It was my first day with the hook.





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[Roy]

Oops!


A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife to death.

A few moments later, a second text came in, again from the neighbor:


"**** auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".







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[Roy]

Redneck Vacation...



Billy Bob and Bubba were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Bubba,
"Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Bubba asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

"I'm taking Earlene with me."






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[Jess from VA]

Some winters, you are the guy pitching, others you are the guy catching.

All the fun ice and snow had finally melted, and awoke to another white world.

[Roy]

Potato Clock...


A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, "Do you sell potato clocks?" "Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied the  assistant. "Well," came the explanation, "I'm always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock..."  :



(joke explanation below)




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up at  8 o'clock

[Roy]

Strange Restaurant behavior. . . . . (not what you might think at first)



A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit unusual; and worried that it might concern
other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man
"Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."






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[Roy]

From an Irish friend of mine...




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[wiggydotcom]

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the
superior culture.
  
  Over coffee, the Greek says:
  "Well, we built the Parthenon."
  The Italian replies
  "We built the Coliseum."
  
  The Greek retorts
  "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
  The Italian, nodding, says:
  "But we built the Roman Empire."
  
  And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks
  will end the discussion.
  
  With a flourish of finality he says:
  "We invented sex!"
  
  The Italian replies:
  "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women."
  
  NOW THAT'S ITALIAN!!!!

[bigguy]

It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They are both placed in a room and at one end was a beautiful naked woman. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance to the  woman. The mathematician said, “This is pointless," an stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out, “don’t you see, you'll never actually reach her?” to which the engineer replied, “so what? soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
(This is a visual, try it yourself if you don’t get it at first.)

Entropy just isn’t why it used to be.

How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas”
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25. (Ask Serk to explain this one.)

Pavlov is sitting in bar enjoying a drink. Suddenly the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, “crap! I forgot to feed the dogs.”

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

The Programers wife tells him, “Run to the store and pickup a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
He brings back 12 loaves of bread.

There’s a band called 1023MB. They’ve only had one Gig.

[Roy]

Run an errand...



McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered one martini after one martini, each time removingthe olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me" said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin ", said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."







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[Roy]

How to hold your AR on the run when things get shakey..











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[Jess from VA]

Or your H & K MP-5 ...... between your .45s.     

[Roy]

Baywatch with gun.  No accidental discharges from holding those big boys in place and not letting them bounce out of their holster. 

Great Mom jeans!

[jimmytee]

Blonde vs Lawyer There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/blondejokes/dumbblondejokes.html

[Jess from VA]

Subject: Hillary's First Night as President

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You'll love it.

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President.
She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in
the White House. She has waited several years for this!!

FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly!
The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...?
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears...?
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says,

"Go to the theater."

[Roy]

Now that is FUNNY!

[Roy]

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning.

Can you believe that?




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Luckily I was still up playing my drums.

[Roy]

Marriage now days...




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Marriage or Russian Roulette with an automatic? Do yourself a favor and take the automatic.

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[Roy]

Three Nuns get quizzed in Heaven...


Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.

The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.





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[Roy]

Russian President Putin, the butt of all jokes.


The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus . . . and keep his 20 year young gymnast girlfriend.





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