H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Russian President and Billionaire Putin...







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[Roy]

Last Days . . .


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER.'





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[R J]

Roy, I heard that one when I was kicking the slats out of my crib, but it still made me laugh.

[Roy]

Two corny sandwich jokes. . .


A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."

************************************************** ********************
And this one from when I was in 1st grade I think:
Why do you never go hungry at the beach?



'Cause you can eat the sand-wich-is there.






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[RDAbull]

If you are going to go first grade:

There's the one about the dog that limped into the bar and told the bartender " I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw"

[Roy]

An Irish Confessional . . .    (oldie but a goody)


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair
with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman
again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'






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[RDAbull]

If you are going to go first grade:

There's the one about the dog that limped into the bar and told the bartender " I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw"

And the termite that walked into a saloon and asked: Is the bar tender here?

All right, no more.  I promise

[bigguy]

A southern State Trooper was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
In the blank he wrote, "Call for backup!"

[R J]

A southern State Trooper was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
In the blank he wrote, "Call for backup!"

Hate to tell you this, but that is a must.

Ya arrest her, you want someone to back up your report.

[Roy]

The Golden Urinal...


Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over
to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked his host if he could use
his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had
a golden urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton's private
lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too.
But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent...even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

If you aint laughin, you aint alive


(not picking on Pres. Clinton or Obama, I tell jokes about ALL politians)







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[Roy]

BEAR Warning. . .


Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman and any other persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise.
We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has bells in it and smells like
pepper.







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[Roy]

The Parrott. . .


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude


As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"





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[Super Santa]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work".

The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".

The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work".

The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

[Roy]

If Microsoft or other browsers made cars . . .


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times! as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.






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[Marinakorp]

If Microsoft or other browsers made cars . . .

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Your prophecies have come true....

[Roy]

Bejing, China Language Translated Hotel Brochere . . .


Sometimes, you really need some one who is conversant in both languages to "do it right".

Here is a perfect example of how NOT to do the job.
You would think, that a big hotel resort could afford to have an advertising agency make up their brochure.

Here is how it works if you translate something Word by Word..


Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

...
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.










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[Roy]

Over the hell Biker's never die they get Push Wheels.







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[Roy]

I like to carry a gun when I ride and when I haven't shot for awhile I need a Gun Fix, something like Aroma Therapy.






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[Roy]

Desert...





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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .....
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[Roy]

The Bell System...


A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one night and told his wife, "You know, we have wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip. And when I say Bell2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1' And his wife took oof all of her clothes. "Bell 2". And his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3." And they began to make whoopee. After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4". 'What's this Bell 4 ?" asked her husband.

"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire."







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[R J]

The Bell System...


A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one night and told his wife, "You know, we have wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip. And when I say Bell2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1' And his wife took oof all of her clothes. "Bell 2". And his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3." And they began to make whoopee. After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4". 'What's this Bell 4 ?" asked her husband.

"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire."







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Gooder one Roy.........

[Roy]

How to liven up Senior Life...


o Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!


2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'!


3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.


4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.


5. Sing Along At The Opera.


6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'


7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'


8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.







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[Roy]

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Las Vegas Birthday Present...




A man went to vegas with some old buddies to celebrate his 80 year birthday. When he got up to his hotel suite his buddies told him to sit on the bed and his present will be out shortly.

So he sat down and about 20 minutes later a smoking hot 21 year old came out in lingerie and stood in front of him.

He asked her "What are you here for?" she said "Im here to give you 'super' sex." To which he replied "I'll take the soup."





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[Roy]

Paddy...


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'




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[Valkorado]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a
large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my
drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife
with another man... And then my own dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to
put an end to it all --I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the
whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[Valkorado]

MISSING WIFE FOUND - An Alaskan Story

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an

Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.


"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
 

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
 

The troopers looked at each other.
 

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
 

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
 

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .."
 

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
 

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
 

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
 

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow." 

[weeder]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
It starts out with Hearts and Diamonds.
And after a few years your hoping for Clubs and Spades .....

[Roy]

Irony..  (Storm damage in Alabama)















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[Roy]

Recipe for a perfect Marriage...


.1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.  She told me, "In the lake."


8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ' Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".






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[Roy]

How to get by an armed guard and leave him speechless?





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[weeder]

Marriage is like a deck of cards ;

It starts out with hearts and diamonds ,

and after a few years your hoping for clubs and spades.

[Wizzard]

Marriage is an institution,, those who do it should be instituted.

[Willow]

My heart really hurts for those of you that have found marriage to be a negative experience.  I have found it to be very, very rewarding.  There are, you may know, two involved in a marriage relationship.  When there's a problem it could relate to either one or both of the participants.

 

BTW, those are really old, tired jokes.  Gives me some insight into the above assessments.  

[tank_post142]

Really? your going to squawk about something like this, while allowing the constant political and religious crap to go unchecked?

[Wizzard]

So much for a humor thread. I have been married for 36 years to the love of my life and we tell each other marriage jokes all the time. Laughter is good medicine

[R J]

I refuse to tell ya how long mom & I has been married.  It would give away our ages.   All I will say is we have been married longer than most of your age.  Some of ya was still being thought about or in diapers.

It ya can't laugh about a marriage joke, then ya ain't a livin.

In fact if'n ya can't tell a joke of any kind, you got a problem partner.

We are each others leaning post.

As I said before, between her and our daughter, I wouldn't have had a Valkyrie now if they never read to me while I was in the hospital in April of 1997.   

I'd probably be astraddle one of those vibrators like I had back then.

[Willow]

Really? your going to squawk about something like this, while allowing the constant political and religious crap to go unchecked?

Yes, and honestly you know nothing about what I allow.  There are multiples of us that are on the staff.  I am only allowed to do what we all agree to.  I do often push the limits.

I guess truly I wasn't so much squawking as simply making an observation.  I guess you wouldn't allow that either.

I leave the remainder of my response unsaid just to prove my healing has truly returned some sort of filter.  

[Wizzard]

I refuse to tell ya how long mom & I has been married.  It would give away our ages.   All I will say is we have been married longer than most of your age.  Some of ya was still being thought about or in diapers.

It ya can't laugh about a marriage joke, then ya ain't a livin.

In fact if'n ya can't tell a joke of any kind, you got a problem partner.

We are each others leaning post.



As I said before, between her and our daughter, I wouldn't have had a Valkyrie now if they never read to me while I was in the hospital in April of 1997.   

I'd probably be astraddle one of those vibrators like I had back then.

Well said RJ 

[Moonshot_1]

Marriage is indeed a rewarding experience. I knew a guy here, pillar of the community, wildly successful, beautiful wife, married for 20+years, and I caught him cheating on her one night and blackmailed him for near half a million.

But seriously, married 34 years to a wonderful gal. Way more ups than downs.

[bigguy]

And now, back to our regular programming!

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."