H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Senior Citizen Setting Up Password..


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiv eMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA ssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.






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[bigguy]

Paleontologists find remains of early politician.

[Roy]

Now that I'm older, here's what I discovered..



1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
 
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
 
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
 
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
 
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
 
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded?






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[Roy]

The Priest and the Native Chief..



A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, in their language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them much was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

The chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of love making.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

And the chief replied, ”My bike."







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[Roy]

What's in a day?


A man getting on an elevator was greeted by a blonde already inside who cheerily said, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means, Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means, 'Sorry, Honey. Its' Thursday.'"





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[Roy]

Expert Professionals    VS   Common Sense



as they say, "oldie but goodie"

Psychiatrists (or some load pressure experts)

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
FORGET THE SHRINKS.



ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!







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[Roy]

Why I don't watch Soccer . . .




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[R J]

Roy, that would be a good idea.

Been waiting on my O2 tanks for 3 days now, I'm getting all rattled from being cooped up.

Supposedly today at 4:30 PM they are supposed to be here with new equipment.

If I drank, I might go out and get drunk.

[Roy]

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A couple met at Hilton Head Island and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."   

[Roy]

Harley Rider...


 10 year old girl is walking home from her friend's place when a big guy on a
black motorcycle rides up beside her. After rolling alongside her a little he says,
"Hey, you want a ride?". "No", says the girl and starts to run. The rider comes
back alongside her and says "You get $10 if you come for a ride with me". "No" she
replies and runs off around the corner.

The rider gives chase and coming up alongside
her says "OK, my final offer, you get $20 and a big bag of candy if you go for a ride
with me". The girl stops dead in her tracks, turns to the rider and glares at him,
screaming.

"Listen Daddy! It was you who bought a Harley so learn to live with it".




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[Roy]

Save some time getting around...





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[MP]

Yeah, but going up is a B*tch!

MP

[Roy]

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Boudreaux and Marie...




Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt. Marie said, "Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare." Boudreaus says, "Marie , dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite."

Next he took off his pants. Marie says, "Boudreaux dat's nice calves you have dare." Boudreaux says,"Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite."

Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Marie screamed and ran out the door. Boudreaux put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her, Boudreaux said "Marie, Why did you run out like dat?"

Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to explode when I saw how short da fuse was yea shea!"




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[Roy]

Have Deck, Will Travel............. or






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[Roy]

No Hot Tub after a hard days work . . .





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[Roy]

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Driver's License. . .


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'




'Because you got an F in sex.'










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[Jess from VA]

 

 

[Roy]

 

[Roy]

Fiddler at the dance...



This old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance.


He was sitting on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel.


 An old lady observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place.


She went up to him and said, "Do you know your zipper's unzipped and all of the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel"?  .  .  .  .  .



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The old man said, "No lady, but if you can hum it I'll play it".







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[Roy]

Weight Study...



The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research
study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.

The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.





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[Roy]

Native American Wisdom...


Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent
to interview him. One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he
has done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man
go wrong?"

 The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a
minute, and then he calmly replied: "When white man found the land,
Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day
hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and
smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could
improve system like that."

[bigguy]

A Vegetarian's Nightmare or A Dissertation on Plants Rights

A Vegetarian's Nightmare or A Dissertation on Plants Rights	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

My Guns. . .






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[Roy]

Research Report. . .


Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information stored in their brains, so scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive becomes more full, so humans also take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak.
On the contrary, they simply know more, but just may not be able to access the information because of HSI. (High storage impediment.)

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

This is my story and I'm sticking to it.






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[Fourtyniner]

There's a eagle flying high, doing what eagles do. There's a frog sitting on a lily pad on a pond, doing what frogs do. The eagle sees the frog and swoops down and grabs up the frog swallowing him whole . The frog passes through the eagle's digestive system and pokes his head out the eagle's butt, looks down and asks: how high are we? About 3,000 feet says the eagle, you wouldn't crap me would ya? says the frog.

[Roy]

OY VEY...


A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
 
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel ....





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[Roy]

Putin has a new Trophy to put on his wall . . . .  (not so funny)






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[R J]

Personally I wouldn't put it past him..............

[Willow]

Putin has a new Trophy to put on his wall . . . .  (not so funny)

Not funny at all!  Laughter is indeed good medicine, but there are times and places where even that good medicine should not be applied.

A few hundred people, each loved by many, are dead and someone murdered them.

[Roy]

`Two Campers and the Bear





Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

 The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[Roy]

Priest and the Airline Pilot




A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who is dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and
golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff."

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff
and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and
golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept.
When he flew, people prayed."





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[Roy]

The Secretary . . .



One day the directors of a Chicago finance company were called in to a chairman's office one by one until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the chairman and other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.

Suddenly the chairman turned to the young man and asked: Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?

No, certainly not.

Are you absolutely sure? persisted the chairman.

Absolutely. I've never laid a finger on her.

You'd swear to that on a stack of bibles?

Yes, I swear I've never had a sexual relationship with your secretary.

Good. Then you fire her.







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[RoadKill]

I dont have time to catch up on all of this thread and the jokes I have missed.  But I'm pretty sure I'm offended anyhow!  Keep it up 

[bigguy]

Sign at a pub in Exmouth England.

[Roy]

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John has a visit from God...


Well John was always a religious man and lived a good life. So one day God visits John and tells him he can ask for 1 thing and it can be anything he wants. John thinks about how hard he has worked in life and how he would love to visit Hawaii. But not being able to afford the flight he asks God for a road leading from the coast to Hawaii.

God thinks about it and says that is too far a distance and just not possible. So John thinks some more and says "Okay I want to be able to completely understand women". Once again God thinks about it before saying. "I only have one question......... 2 lanes or 4?"

[bigguy]

Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women	powered by Aeva

[MacDragon]

Definitely got a chuckle out of me on that one.... 

[Roy]

New Deportion Policy...



President Obama has ordered the Immigration Department to start deporting seniors instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

"Older people are easier to catch," Obama says, "and will not remember how to get back home."

See you on the bus.





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[Roy]

U. N. Telephone Suvvey...



Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Canada, Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.





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[Roy]

Joke from downunder.



A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story...
Have a great day and remember...

...Things aren't always what they appear to be..







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