H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Kids tell it like it is...


My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children.

All through the meal my wife's best friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to ignore her but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".






`

[Roy]

Walmart...



The blonde was trimming her yard and accidently cut the tail off her cat who was hiding in the bushes. She grabs the cat and the severed tail and rushes it to Walmart.

You may ask why Walmart.

Hello..

Walmart is the biggest retailer in the country!




`

[Roy]

`












`

[bigguy]

`












`

If she can figure it out, she should be safe.

[Jess from VA]

Not to be the grammar police, but that needs a question mark.  

[Roy]

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES...


Original Hollywood Squares
Remember that TV show? I didn't watch it regularly & some of the "comedians" were kinda lame, but here are some of the good ones.



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.






`

[bigguy]

[bigguy]

Ronald Reagan showed why he was legendary on the campaign trail with a humdinger he told before the Republican Governors Club Dinner on October 4, 1988.

“Former Congressman Prentiss Walker dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate,” Reagan began his joke, “And as he tells it, the farmer’s eyes lit up, and then he said, ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife, and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.”

“Well, he looked around for a kind of a podium, something to stand on,” he continued, “and then the only thing available was a pile of that stuff that the late Mrs. Truman said it had taken her 35 years to get Harry to call ‘fertilizer.’ So, he stepped up on that and made his speech.

“And apparently he won them over. And they told him it was the first time they’d ever heard a Republican. And he says, ‘That’s okay. That’s the first time I’ve ever given a speech from a Democratic platform.'”

[Roy]

          

[bigguy]

[R J]

Three men - a

Canadian farmer,   a

Muslim fanatic



and

a White Trash

Biker are all walking together one day.





They

come across a

lantern and a Genie pops out of it.



'I

will give each of

you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.



The

Canadian says, 'I

am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be  forever

fertile in

  Canada .'







POOF!

With the blink

of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for

farming.







The

Muslim was amazed,

so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,

  Palestine , Iraq

and Iran

so that no infidels, Americans or

Canadians





can

come into our

precious land.'





POOF!

Again, with the

blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around

those countries.







The

Biker says, 'I am

very curious.



Please

tell me more

about this wall.'





The

Genie explains,

'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick

and completely surrounds the

countries.  Nothing can get in or out: it's

virtually impenetrable.'





The

Biker sits down on

his Harley,









cracks

a beer, lights

a cigar,





smiles

and says,









'Fill

it with water.'

[Roy]

hmmmm...


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter Ella the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.

She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail".

[mike72903]

I heard a joke about Jim Jones but the punch line was too long.

[R J]

Here's one for your farmers.

Why do cows wear bells?

Scroll down,













Cause their horns don't work.

[bigguy]

[Roy]

Skydiving...


Know its an old one but some may not of seen it yet.

A blonde was watching the news with her husband. Newscaster announces, "Today two Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident".

The blonde starts crying and sobs, "How horrible those men dying that way!"

Her husband is taken back by her apparent grief responds, " Yes honey it is tragic but they were skydiving and there is risk involved in such activities."

Little while later the still sobbing blonde asks, "Just how many is a brazilian?"
...

(just guessing but a brazilian most be more that a Trillion?)





`

[gordonv]

Funeral


Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 81 years old.




Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.




Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he lived to be a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.




Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his very elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Wizzard]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.”
“And You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

[Roy]

Give me refills!


Retired man wants a coke from vendor :

Reitred Man : Sir how much are your cokes ?

Vendor : Buck eighty-five sir .

Retired Man : Well how much are your refills sir ?

Vendor : Refills are free sir .

Retired Man : Ok then , just give me the refills please......





`

[Roy]

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well, Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, “I was out getting a tattoo!”
A tattoo?, she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates”, he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disgust.
“Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.”
“Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.”
“Three, I like how money feels in my hand.”
“And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Larry is in the hospital, room 233.



`

[Roy]

Whales...


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[R J]

This is a great commercial.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0



Enjoy

[bigguy]

Nando's Missing Chips Comercial	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

Pest Control man...



A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!

[RainMaker]

President Obama, when not playing golf that day, decides to go horse riding.

Although he has no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete control as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Michelle watches him admiringly.

After a while, Obama becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse round it's neck and calls for it to stop.

Michelle screams and shouts for someone to help.

Obama slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse's neck.

Obama decides his best chance is to leap away, but his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup!

Obama's head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Michelle is frantic and screaming!

Hearing her screams, one of the Secret Service agents walks over and unplugs the horse.

[Roy]

Points to Ponder...




Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today might burn your rear tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.





`

[Valkjerk]

Dr. Bumbutu             








A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa

could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see

if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, “Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, ‘Scooby doobie doobies,

I want bigger boobies!’”
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme,

she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, rubbed her chest, and said,

“Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked “Are you a patient of Dr.Bumbutu?
“Yes I am. How did you know?”
He winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock”...

[Super Santa]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[R J]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'




Miraculously, a parking place appeared.




Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
 
 

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'




The man said, 'I do, Father.'




The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'




Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'




'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.




'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.




Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'




O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'




The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'




O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
 

 

Paddy was in New York ..




He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.




He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.




After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
 

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.




'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'




'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
 

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.




He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'




'Just water,' says the priest.




The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'




The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
 

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'




'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'




'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'




'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'




She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
 

 

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.




He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.




Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.




He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..




In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.




She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'




Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'




'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly,it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 
 
 

[Roy]

True Sayings...



~ John Glenn...

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. 
 
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.  They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.  When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. 
 
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. 
 
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.  Dammit, I'm a billionaire. 
 
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. 
 
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. 
 
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
 
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. 
 
~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. 
 
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. 
 
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. 

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. 

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I do have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
 

[Roy]

Catching Seafood..



The day after his ex-wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Stevens, but we have some information about your ex-wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Stevens asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Stevens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your ex-wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!," said Stevens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five-pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Stevens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."




`

[Roy]

Medical difference between GUTS and BALLS...





We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:

Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS — Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being
Met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are
You still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling
Of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
Bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal..

[Roy]

.....
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[R J]

A M E N:

[Willow]

   OK.  So, anyone who thinks that last joke was funny , or that the Queen rules the UK, or that the UK in recent years has been more successful than the US at leading the free world, I have this bridge ...   

[grandpaweaver]

Why do the Britt's even have a Queen?

[Jess from VA]

BALLS said the queen..... if I had two I'd be King. 

[Willow]

Why do the Britt's even have a Queen?

She's a figurehead for the British government.  It's been a lot of years since the monarch had any real impact on what the government does or does not do.

[bigguy]

Why do the Britt's even have a Queen?

So James Bond will have somebody to skydive with.

https://youtube.com/devicesupport	powered by Aeva

[grandpaweaver]

Why do the Britt's even have a Queen?

She's a figurehead for the British government.  It's been a lot of years since the monarch had any real impact on what the government does or does not do.

Yes but they could save millions by doing away with them all.

But the tabloids wouldn't have anything to write about.