H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Jopson]

You are correct grandpa weaver we could save millions by getting rid of them but they are the biggest tourist attraction in the uk, they generate far more revenue than it costs to keep them. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

[Willow]

Why do the Britt's even have a Queen?

She's a figurehead for the British government.  It's been a lot of years since the monarch had any real impact on what the government does or does not do.

Yes but they could save millions by doing away with them all.

But the tabloids wouldn't have anything to write about.

Perhaps there is millions worth of benefit in the distraction.   

[RP#62]

Her majesty is probably looking for a potential replacement for Scotland.  If Scotland bails, all that's left is Wales and the six counties.

-RP

[Roy]

50 shades in reverse...



He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... Back and forth...
Back and forth..... In and out....... She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.



She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....



Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,


*




"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug *******!!!"

[R J]

While strolling around the Harbor this morning about 7 am I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.   If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, a Christian and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

[Roy]

Card Player...



The husband came home and announced to his wife, "Pack your things, I just lost you in a poker game!"

She screeches, "How could you do that?"

It wasn't easy, I had to fold holding 4 aces..






`

[jimmytee]

A Shift In Power

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON. WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE WOMAN AND LAUGHED,SAYING"HEY, OLD WOMAN HAVE YOU EVER DANCED" THE WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO.
"A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE WOMAN'S FEET.
THE WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND.
EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLDER WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM...BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

[Valkorado]

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're running for President of the United States.
Act like one.

[Jess from VA]

I visit a number of local and other national motorcycle boards.

So in all seriousness, a fellow asks.... so how often do you lubricate your kickstand.

And in the best response of the year category, a guy replies......... every chance I get. 

[Roy]

`Three Daughters...




A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: ''Maxwell House.'' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, ''Good to the last drop...'' So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: ''Rothmans.'' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, ''LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.'' And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: ''BRITISH AIRWAYS.'' The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted. The ad read: ''TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.''






`

[Roy]

Did I read right?




In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE
IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)






`

[Roy]

A woman suspects . . .


A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.

 The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

[Roy]

PERT and PRETTY NURSE . . .


Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I
end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."







`

[Roy]

Pardon Me!



I stopped at a social club last Saturday. At the bar three hefty women were talking in what sounded like a Scottish accent. I walked over and asked, "Are you three lasses from Scotland?"

One of them yelled, "Its Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

I answered, "Pardon me, are you three whales from Scotland?"

Seems that is the last thing I can remember.

[Roy]

Pray for my hearing.




The preacher inquired "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants
to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the
altar."

With that, an Aboriginal guy got in line, and when it was his
turn, the vicar asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray
about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with
my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear,
placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then
prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood
back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"

[R J]

Here are some goodies.

             special words for the down times … enjoy!   
 
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
Carolyn   shrugged . “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”
******
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.
“No, no, no!” she screamed.
“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that”s not polite behavior.”
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”
******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq .”
“Why?” he asked. “Don't you know there’s a war going on over there?”
*****
Paul   Newman   founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”
Blank stares.
“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”
An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”
…
And my personal favorite…
God’s   Problem Now!
His wife ’ s   graveside   service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."
 
 
Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in your heart!
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me? - Well that”s just a sign of good taste!
We”ll  be friends until I am senile.
Then we”ll be NEW friends.
 

[Jess from VA]

 

[Roy]

Flight Attendant...



Business Man in 1st Class to a sexy gorgeous Flight Attendant:

"What's your name?"

Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, Sir!"

Business Man: "Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes​ Benz?"

Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close."

Business Man: "How close?"

Flight Attendant: "Same price."

[mike72903]

Bruce Jenners Cat
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[R J]

Do you suppose it will work?

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly .....Mathematical viewpoint..
And it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?




Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.




How about achieving 103%?




What makes up 100% in life?




Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z




Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.




Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
 
 

[J.Mencalice]

If you take your dog for a walk down the road... and you both pee on the same tree...you might be a redneck.
-Jeff Foxworthy

[Roy]

Gardening help...


Mix Viagra with your garden fertilizer and you will no longer have to stake your tomatoes or pole beans.

[Roy]

A simple solution...



My memory is getting so bad that I can't keep track of a bunch of passwords. So I changed all of them to "incorrect".

Now, when I screw up the entry the system reminds me "your password is incorrect".








.

[Roy]

Divorce Court...



Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's #$%*ing goofy!"





`

[grandpaweaver]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl
who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home
from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (xxx) xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

(Men are so easy.)

[pago cruiser]

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
           
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid In the world is Holy Water.
If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
           
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'

[Roy]

Australian Man from the Outback...



A very nice, innocent Australian woman wanted to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.

Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room I can get!"







`

[R J]

 
 Southern cops have a way with words.... These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
 
 
 
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.  "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3.  "If you take your hands off  the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My  Favorite)
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4.  "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5.  "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."  (LOVE  IT)
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6.  "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7.  "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.  "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9.  "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11.  "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12.  "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13.  "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14.  "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15.  "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."  (" Great")
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND  THE WINNER  IS....
16."You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Jess from VA]

Good ones.   

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

I love trick questions. 

[Roy]

Flight Attendent...


Business Man in 1st Class to a sexy gorgeous Flight Attendant:

"What's your name?"

Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, Sir!"

Business Man: "Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes​ Benz?"

Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close."

Business Man: "How close?"

Flight Attendant: "Same price."

[bigguy]

[RP#62]

This woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.  Judge says first time offender?  Lady says no, Gibson first, then a Fender.


-RP

[R J]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops
of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this
cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....'
The bartender says,
'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on
me.

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like
to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I
want a Scotch with two drops of
water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender

As
she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy
you
one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch
with two
drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he
gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
Scotch
with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my
age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a
whole other issue.'



OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go
upstairs  and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD'
IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you  on your new alligator shoes  and
you're
barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage
door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care
where your spouse goes,  just as long as you don't have to go
along.

'OLD'
IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the
police

'OLD' IS WHEN. 'Getting a little action'  means you don't need to take
any
fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...   'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking
lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....    An 'all nighter' means not getting
up  to use the
bathroom.

AND.......

OLD' IS WHEN.... You are not sure
these are jokes.

[R J]

 

 Most Interesting Unknown Facts You Should Know

 
1. Hot water will turn into ice faster than cold water.
2. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
3. The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. Ants never sleep!
6. “I Am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
7. Coca-Cola was originally green.
8. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
9. When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.
10. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.
11. There are only two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
12. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
13. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
14. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
15. Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.
16. Chocolate can kill dogs, as it contains theobromine, which affects their heart and nervous system.
17. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
18. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
19. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
20. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
21. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
22. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky
23. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
24. “Rhythm” is the longest English word without a vowel.
25. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
26. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius
28. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
29. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
30. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
31. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
32. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
33. A snail can sleep for three years.
34. All polar bears are left handed.
35. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
36. Butterflies taste with their feet.
37. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
38. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
39. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
40. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
41. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
42. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
43. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
44. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
45. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times
46. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
47. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
48. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

[Willow]

  A lot of misinformation there, R J.

1.  It does depend upon how hot and how cold are being compared.

6. "Go" is shorter.  Implied subject is still a complete sentence.

12.  North America and South America are continents and they do include the initial word of each of their names.  Interesting observation though.

17.  Of course they do.  Primarily caused by men.

21.  Not so.  The practice of saying, "Bless you," originated with the observation that a person sneezing lost control momentarily of his body with his mouth open.  It was superstitiously believed that at that time he was susceptible to being entered by a demon.

31.  Honey left out long enough degrades to grains of sugar.  Isn't that spoiled?

37.  Snails and slugs can't jump.  I suspect there are also other animals that can't.   

 

[R J]

  A lot of misinformation there, R J.

1.  It does depend upon how hot and how cold are being compared.

6. "Go" is shorter.  Implied subject is still a complete sentence.

12.  North America and South America are continents and they do include the initial word of each of their names.  Interesting observation though.

17.  Of course they do.  Primarily caused by men.

21.  Not so.  The practice of saying, "Bless you," originated with the observation that a person sneezing lost control momentarily of his body with his mouth open.  It was superstitiously believed that at that time he was susceptible to being entered by a demon.

31.  Honey left out long enough degrades to grains of sugar.  Isn't that spoiled?

37.  Snails and slugs can't jump.  I suspect there are also other animals that can't.   

 

Damn for an old man you sure are picky.

What is the estimate of attendees for Sturgis this year?

[Willow]

Damn for an old man you sure are picky.

What is the estimate of attendees for Sturgis this year?

Anywhere between eight hundred thousand and well over a million, very well over a million.  I won't be there.  I really do dislike traffic jams.

Yeah, I have become an old man but I try to maintain some contact with my youth by retaining my ability to be as effective an ass as I ever was.   

[R J]

Damn for an old man you sure are picky.

What is the estimate of attendees for Sturgis this year?

Anywhere between eight hundred thousand and well over a million, very well over a million.  I won't be there.  I really do dislike traffic jams.

Yeah, I have become an old man but I try to maintain some contact with my youth by retaining my ability to be as effective an ass as I ever was.   

Knock off the jokes old man, you making me almost fall off of my chair from laughing so hard.

[R J]

Damn for an old man you sure are picky.

What is the estimate of attendees for Sturgis this year?

Anywhere between eight hundred thousand and well over a million, very well over a million.  I won't be there.  I really do dislike traffic jams.

Yeah, I have become an old man but I try to maintain some contact with my youth by retaining my ability to be as effective an ass as I ever was.  

My cousin who lives in RC says the big honchoes who do the predictions in RC & Sturgis are expecting from 2 to 2.5 million this year.

This is the 75th year for it.

My dad raced his Indian at the # 1 & # 2 Rallies.    I was 8 years old, but I don't remember too much about it as I had a blast playing at the house we staid at.      They had a son and a daughter.     Daughter was a cutie and has been married and divorced 5 times as of this writing.   All of those marriages, she only has one child a little, well not to little anymore.   They were related to Pappy and his wife, and since Dad built Indians, he knew Pappy pretty well, and Pappy got their extra house for us to stay in..

[R J]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.  She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.  The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.  An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.'  He says 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

 

 


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.  I'll come u p and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
 

 

 


 
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,

'So am I.  Let's have a beer.'
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!

 

 



A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.  Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!
 

 

 


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
 
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ...  I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is...
 
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
 
 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

 

 


 
SENIOR DRIVING  - As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!' 
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

 

 

 

 


DRIVING  - Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.
 
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said,

'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!