H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

No sprecken sie doitch ?

[Roy]

How can you tell if an Amish man is from West Virginia?



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In his front yard he has a dead horse propped up on blocks!

[¿spoom]

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car. He looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one, but he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

 

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Roy]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE'RE OLDER:


1. Sag, you're It.
 
2. Hide and go pee
 
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
 
4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.




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[Roy]

New use for Windex found...


 

New use for Windex
I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually works or not . . . but they say,


If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,



you should sniff some Windex first.





It'll keep you from streaking.









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[Roy]

Dates of the first Hockey Protective Cup and Hockey Helmut...



The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey helmet was used in 1974.



That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit Laughing!








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[Roy]

F16 vs  C130.....


A  C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

 

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

 

 

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'


 

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'


 

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'


 

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
Cinnamon roll.'

 




The moral of the story is....








When you are young and foolish -







Speed and flash may seem a good thing!








When you get older and smarter -







Comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!









Us older folks understand this one.








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[MNBill]

May have been around before but,

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
Inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[Roy]

    

[Roy]

Get Your Own

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One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."








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[Roy]

Road Rage...


The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

 I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.. .I assumed you had stolen the car.''






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[Roy]

Science Exam Quotes from 11 year olds...


"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
 


 * "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

 * "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

 * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

 * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
 them and makes them perspire."

 * "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
 look like umbrellas."

 * "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and
 the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
 borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
 contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

 * "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

 * "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

 * "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
 down to make Artificial Perspiration."

 
 * "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water
 tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
 and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
 this fight."

 * "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

 * "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

 






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[Roy]

Star Player.....


During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[musclehead]

have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

.
.
.
great food no atmosphere  (can I get a collective groan?)

[Roy]

Some things to Ponder.....



Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.


Number 6
Some people are like a
Slinky--not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing..


Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut save you $30?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
 

- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--
it doesn't last that long."








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[Roy]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO. . . . .


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.





"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..








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[Roy]

THOUGHT OF THE DAY.....


Just saw this & thought I'd pass it along. 10 yrs ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, & Bob

Hope. Now we've got no jobs, no cash, & no hope..




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[Roy]

How to clean your Glock...

She sold me on cleaning a Glock, but I'd rather have a Sig - Sauer.  Best get your guns before Romney and Christ are elected!

http://www.youtube.com/v/E1m6Qct68wo%26rel%3d0%26hl%3den_US%26feature%3dplayer_embedded

[Roy]

Grandma's Will.....


A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

 The grandchild absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous!

 I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"



*



*




*

 With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook".

[pitbull]

Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A ventriloquist is going through his normal act taking the rise out of dumb blondes with a string of jokes, Suddenly a blond from the audience shouts "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes, what does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being. It's men like you that keep women like me getting their proper respect".
The red faces ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts out, "you stay out of this, I'm talking to that little turd on your knee".

[Roy]

Simple Test to score...



There are four questions - big spaces in between for obvious reasons - so please, keep scrolling, you will know when you have come to the end!!!!
 








 




1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

























The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
 
 
 
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.







2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
]











Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator'?

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
 
 
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
















3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... except one. Which animal does not attend?




















Correct answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there! 
 
This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, 
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and]
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

















Correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? 


All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

[Grumpy]

How to clean your Glock...

She sold me on cleaning a Glock, but I'd rather have a Sig - Sauer.  Best get your guns before Romney and Christ are elected!

http://www.youtube.com/v/E1m6Qct68wo%26rel%3d0%26hl%3den_US%26feature%3dplayer_embedded

What gun ?

[Roy]

LOL...

[¿spoom]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “O.K., get in the car with it.”
“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”
But what about the smell?”
“Just hold its little nose.”

The skunk is expected to recover, but the husband did not make it home alive.

[Roy]

Good one . . .   

[Roy]

Couple at the Zoo...


A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him, and jiggle your topside, " he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache..."





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[']

' 
 
 '

[Roy]

Waitress and the Cop.....


The waitress was tired of a Cop always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.


 "I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya
100 bucks."

"Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash...or it's $200"


 He smiled, handed her $100 and led her over to the pinball machine to make sure it would
be a $100 root.






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[fudgie]

2 nuns were riding a tandom bicycle down the old streets of Italy. They were in a hurry to get back to the church so some short cuts were made. The one nun leans up and says to the other, 'I never came this way before'. The nun leans back and whispers, 'its the cobblestones!' 

[Roy]

    

LOL

[x]

Star Player.....


During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Damn... that has to be one of the dumbest jokes of all time... I'm still trying to get the scotch out of my keyboard... FUNNY

[Roy]

HALLOWEEN Joke...


Drunk and the Pumpkin.....



Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.


On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) Courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his p urpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? s*** ... is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'







---

[Roy]

BACKWOODS REDNECK BIRTH...


Deep in the backwoods, a woman went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.”

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's another one coming.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

“No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.

The father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
“Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?”








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[Don07tncav]

The old Hammond Organ
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Because of her age, she had long ago moved to a senior citizens home, along with a very old but well maintained Hammond Organ. One afternoon the visiting nurse came to call on her and she ushered the nurse into her quaint little room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As she sat facing the old Hammond organ, the young nurse noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The nurse tried to stifle her curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of her and she could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', she said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.”

“Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Roy]

L O L

[Roy]

Farmer's Hand Held Load.....


One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God’s name could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
 
The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."






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[Roy]

NOT GOOD NEWS FOR OLDER FOLKS...


To save the economy, on October 23, 2011, Obama will announce
 that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting
 old people (instead of illegal's) in order to lower Social Security
 and Medicare costs.
 
Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get
 back home!







---

[tank_post142]

[Roy]

No Offense to all good lawyers..



I tuned in American Hogger tonight, and the patriarch (it's the first time I've seen the show, so I don't know anyone's names yet) came out with a line I find really funny:
 
"The brush out there is thicker 'n lawyers in Hell ... "

[Don07tncav]

Abcdefghijk
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks "What does that mean?"He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" His left eye is still swollen, but the doctor has informed him that he is likely to see things much clearer in the future.