H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Computer skills


This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
 
This one and the next are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************

And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[Roy]

Talking dog


A  guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog    is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice    looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and    world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any    younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes  back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'



'Because he's a  Bullshitter .  He's never been out of the yard'
 

[Roy]

WYOMING POLE DANCER . . .










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http://s1101.photobucket.com/albums/g436/DryHeat_2010/Jokes/?action=view&current=Wyoming_Pole_Dance.mp4	powered by Aeva

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[Super Santa]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So Id like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So whats the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still cant get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[Jess from VA]

This was not the job Bob thought he was getting when the Navy informed him he had qualified for an especially dangerous assignment.

[Jess from VA]

FAIL

[Jess from VA]

Hey mom, I was on television yesterday.

[Roy]

 

[Jess from VA]

Had to share this one so make sure you read to the end to get a good horse's laugh...

Railroad tracks.

The  US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US  railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which  everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial   Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit  larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.  The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't  important?

So, Horse's Asses control almost everything. Explains a whole lot of things, doesn't it?

Who cares:  http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.asp

[Roy]

Searching for the perfect woman...


'Big Jimmy, an extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

Jimmy dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said Jimmy, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested Jimmy date one of the other girls; so Jimmy went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'Jimmy replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell....cross-eyed.'


The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning Jimmy rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away

..Months later the baby was born.


When Jimmy visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.









'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...Pregnant when you met her.'

[Roy]

Son's Eve of  Wedding Question


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother,
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,

"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[Jess from VA]

[Roy]

Last Dime . . .


Father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10c coins to play with to keep him
occupied.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts
slapping him on the back..
 
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 c's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants;

takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,

gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10 c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.................. Are you a doctor? "
 
 
'No,' the woman replied.

 

 

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"I'm with the IRS"                                             

[Jess from VA]

LMAO        (and so timely too, thanks for reminding me)

[Roy]

Before the wedding



Mother talks to her daughter:

To make sure he is not fooling around on you, you gotta keep his stomach full - and his ballsack empty.

[Roy]

Stud rooster

 
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
 
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

 The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
 ALL of these chickens.

 Look what it has done to me.

 Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
 The young rooster says,
 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

 The old rooster says,
 'I tell you what, young stud.

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
 So, just to be fair,
 I will give you a head start'
 
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
 
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
 The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.

 The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
 
- BOOM -

he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,


. . .  Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.

[Roy]

Lover's Lane. . .


A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

 
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

 
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

 
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

 
The young man lowers his window . 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

 
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'

 
The young man says: 'Well , Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'


Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'


The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

 
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane ...
and nothing obscene is happening!

 
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

 
The young man says : 'I'm 22, sir.'

 
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

 
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'







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[Thulsa Doom]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand_Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his wife.'

[Roy]

New CEO . . .


A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Roy]

Taxi Driver and the Middle-easterner



A Muslim got into a taxicab…with a driver who was a Christian.
 
The Muslim asked the Taxi-Driver to turn off the radio…
 
He explained that he must not hear music, as decreed by his religion, for in the time of the Prophet, there was no Music ... no Radio…

So the Christian Taxi Driver politely… turned off the radio, stopped the cab, leaned over and opened the back door.

The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

The Taxi-Driver replied: "In the time of the Prophet there were no Taxis, so get out my car and wait for a Camel!!!"

[Roy]

Shotgun Kitty

[Roy]

Heaven and Purgatory . . .


Heaven is where the mechanics
 are German, cops are British,
 chefs are French, lovers are
 Italian, and everything is
 organized by the Swiss.
 
Hell is where mechanics
 are French, cops are German,
 chefs are British, lovers are
 Swiss and everything is
 organized by the Italians.
 

[Roy]

[tank_post142]

it this a photo from that movie, band of barkers ?

[Jess from VA]

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a  very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively. 

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

George was taken aback.   "$125?  I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George,

pointed slyly at Harriet, and whispered, "See what you get for $25 bucks?"     

 

[Roy]

        

[Michael K (Az.)]

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[Roy]

Nine Months Later . .



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.


So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. 
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' said Bob


'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'




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[Roy]

Italian's really know how to lay it down..




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[Roy]

Panda Walks Into a Bar . . .



A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
 
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
 
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
 
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.





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[Roy]

Two women walking their dog's


Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
 
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
 
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........




"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a Damn Chihuahua ?!"

[Roy]

TRUST ME










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[Roy]

Wet T-Shirt Contest Winner !




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[Roy]

Flatlander buys a Chainsaw . . .


Went over home last week an was talkin to my first cousin Ezikial bouy tis
an tat. Anyways he was tellin bout dis flatlander guy cum out there, Now
as we all know flatlanders is different! Any way dis feller goes into the
farm supply ta buy hisself a chainsaw fer to cut down some trees. Da guy
that sold im da saw ask what siz trees an stuff an selled him one. Bout
a week later feller brung da saw back sayin hit tuk him an hour ta cut
down a 8 inch tree. Feller in da store went ta look at the saw didnt
see nuthin so he set da choke an started her up bratta bratta.

Flatlander jumped back an asked what that noise?

[Roy]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt ----------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes-------Gotta Gogh

The brother who works at a convenience store
-----------------------------------------Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---U Gogh

His magician uncle-------- Ware-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother

----------------------------------------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach
-------------------------------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle --------------Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin ------------ Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking

-----------------------------------------Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ---------------Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV ---------
Winnie Bay Gogh



Smiling ?? ............................. there ya Gogh!

[Hook#3287]

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
 
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary   display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
 
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
 
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
 
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
 
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Jess from VA]

 

[Jess from VA]

Geography lesson.

   
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

... Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade,
especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece,
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel,
has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

[Roy]

Two Fleas . . .


Two fleas live in Michigan, and it is a very cold winter. They agree that from now on they will go to Florida every winter. They decide to meet on Daytona Beach.

 The first flea is sitting on the beach with the women fleas and Pina Coladas, having a good time, and here comes his buddy, staggering along, wings broken, and he's all tore up. He asked, "What the hell happened to you?" "Well, I hitched a ride down here in this dudes beard, and it turned out that he was a Harley rider, and I got beat to death from the wind going down the freeway." His buddy replied, "That's not how you do it.

Next time we come down here, you go to the airport, you wait in the womens' john, and when a good looking woman comes in, you hop on in there and catch a nice cozy ride down on the airplane."

Next winter comes and the first flea is sitting on the beach with the women fleas and Pina Coladas, having a good time, and here comes his buddy, staggering along, wings broken, and he's all tore up. "Didn't you do what I told you?" "Look, I went to the airport, I waited in the womens' john, a gorgeous brunette came in, I hopped on in there, and the next thing you know . . . 


I'm in some dudes beard riding down the freeway on a Harley."

[Fritz The Cat]

While creating wives, God promised Adam
that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the world.
And then He smiled and made the earth round.