H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

THE BUCKET . . .


Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East
 and he was only here a few months when he became ill.
 
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help
 him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:
 
'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket,
 pee pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket ahn
 breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.
 
'Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in
 the bucket, peed on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes
 for ten minutes.
 
Coming back to the doctor, he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific!
 What was wrong with me?'
 


The doctor said, 'You were homesick.'




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[Rocketman]

Not sure if this works for both sexes.. ?

So, what does it indicate if your index finger is equal to your pinky?  Over-reaction?  Extreme homophobia?

[RainMaker]

Not sure if this works for both sexes.. ?

So, what does it indicate if your index finger is equal to your pinky?  Over-reaction?  Extreme homophobia?

May indicate slow reaction times.

[MacDragon]

Not sure if this works for both sexes.. ?

So, what does it indicate if your index finger is equal to your pinky?  Over-reaction?  Extreme homophobia?

hope you don't shoot left handed...

[chuckinVA]

I think it means you're standing too close to that grinder....

[Roy]

        

[jer0177]

[Roy]

    

[RainMaker]

LIFE WITH ROAD SIGNS . . .







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Burma Shave

[Jess from VA]

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. "No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under this particular State's law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" "No, just get on with it." The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner. "Yes," replied the engineer. "If you upgrade your switch, and add a relay, you might make this thing work."  

[Don07tncav]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.


When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with
a big gift envelope.


At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.


At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.


When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee.


As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "but what's the dollar for?"


"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

INVESTMENT STRATEGY . . .



If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

Also, a recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you cursed proud to be an American!

[Roy]

HOODIES AT THE PEARLY GATES . . .



Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."

 St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you--you can't be rude or judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
 
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says,"Well, they're gone."
 
“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
 
"No. The Pearly Gates."






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[Roy]

100 Camels . . .



US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

[Roy]

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[Roy]

A WOMAN CALLED "FIVE HORSES"



A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".


The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"


The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...



NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!






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[Roy]

REX SAYS " IT'S WHAT I DO NATURALLY. . .










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[Roy]

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady — splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet .








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[cookiedough]

Not sure if this works for both sexes.. ?

So, what does it indicate if your index finger is equal to your pinky?  Over-reaction?  Extreme homophobia?

Actually, the finger test above is whether you are a man or woman.  If index finger longer than ring finger, then women.  If ring finger longer, then man.  This is good to know when you go into a bar and pick up a hot chick just before you bring her home to make sure the she is not a he. 

Seen this and many more interesting facts on TV show MANswers - pretty neat show full of sexy interesting facts and hot babes.

[Roy]

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[Roy]

DID SHE OR DIDN'T SHE?



An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."





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[Roy]

Home Owners Association told him he could not fly his American Flag!




[size=14pt]SO THIS IS WHAT HE DID . . . . .[/size]






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[bigguy]

[Roy]

Like those retro jokes.

    

[Roy]

Blind guy wants a job . . .



A blind guy goes to a wood mill to get a job. The foreman tells him he cant hire him because he needs to know different kinds of wood.

The blind guy says i can tell any kind of wood by its smell. By then a group of workers had gathered.

So the foreman grabs a bunch of wood. He puts a piece of walnut under his nose and he says immediately wanut. Then he puts a piece of pine and he says pine....etc .etc.

The foreman feeling kind of foolish in front of his men brings out a hooker that services the men there. She spreads her legs and the blind guy goes down and smells. He has a confused look on his face. He goes down again and a big smile comes to his face and he says ......Your not fooling me thats a crap house door off a tuna boat.






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[Roy]

Obeseness vs Liking Large Mammalary Glands . . .



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[Roy]

Favorite Pub . . .



"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
 
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
 
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, when you finish that one they'll buy you another, all the drinks you want are free actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you have all the sex you want, and it's all on the house!"
 
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims, but the Irishman swore every word was true.
 
“Did this actually happen to you?" They asked.
 
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”







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[Roy]

This really works.  Find out who is your real life partner.










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[Roy]

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[Roy]

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[bigguy]

There  I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a  large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs  my drink and  gulps it down in one swig.
 "Well,  whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I  burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says,  "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man  crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I  say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting  and my boss fired me. When I went  to  the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I  don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab  I took home. I found  my wife with another man . . . . and then my dog bit  me."

"So . . . . I came to this bar to work up  the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I  drop a capsule in and sit here watching  the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink  the whole damn thing before I get a chance to drink it!.... But, hell, enough  about me, how are you doing?"

[Roy]

The REVEREND JOHN FUZZ . . .




The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
 The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
 
“Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”
 
“Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
 forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”
 
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

The bartender nodded. “Well if you’re that far you may as well finish.”







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[Roy]

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Meaning of the word ' OLD '



'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN... You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

I don't remember if this joke was posted before. I don't remember why I don't remember, but there has to be a reason why I don't remember. I just don't remember why.







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[Don07tncav]

New Health Warning:

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

[Roy]

Picture of the Wife . . .



This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there.

He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."




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[Roy]

FIX IT FLOW CHART . . .





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[Roy]

Met an old school friend. . .



I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
 
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
 
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
 
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
 
I said, "No, she's an optician."

[Roy]

The Fottle . . .


 
I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, “a folding bottle".She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle."

"What else do you have."

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.





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[Roy]

Redneck engineered Auto Airconditioning and update to Tail Light . . .







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