H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Cajun's go Hunting...




Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were driving on the highway, on their way to go

bear hunting. They come upon this fork in the road, where there was a sign

that said " BEAR LEFT".


~




 They turned around and went home.







`

[Roy]

It's good to have relatives in high places...




A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. 

The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.  The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.  A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.  She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!  Nuns are married to God."



~



The patient replied, "Perfect.  Send the bill to my brother-in-law."








_

[Roy]

Unique and unusual Birth Control...



Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says “We’re Catholic so we can’t use it.”

The next woman says “I am too but we use the rhythm
method.”

The third woman says “We use the bucket and saucer
method.”


“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?”, the others
ask.

“Well, I’m five foot eleven… and my husband is five foot two.
We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket,

and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from
under him.”










~

[Roy]

Brave man sayings...




How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course.  He'll shut up once you let him in.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.









~

[Roy]

A visit by a Nun...



A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while all the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
 
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

 
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
 

She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
 

Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender, Would you like a drink?
No thank you, but, I still don't understand, said the puzzled nun.
 
You see, laughed the bartender, every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
 
Now, how about that drink?













~

[Roy]

YOU MIGHT BE A GUN NUT……

 
-If You've ever dabbed a little Hoppe's on your neck before going on a date...

 
 
-If you cannot really recall just how many guns you own...


-Surplus ammunition suppliers call you to see if there was anything you were looking for...

 
-If you bought a gun from a gunshop, only to realize you used to own it years ago...

 
 
-If you've ever bought ammo for a caliber you didn,t shoot, thinking that someday you might own a gun in that caliber...

 
-If your computer passwords are gun related...

 
-If your five-year-old can detail strip and fully reassemble an M-1 Garand............


-If you take your guns out of the safe and handle them, just so you can wipe them down before going to bed...

 
-If your local gunsmith calls you for obsolete parts...

 
-If you home-school and use ballistic tables for math lessons..

.
-If your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator..

.
-If the speedometer on your car is in both m.p.h. and fps...

 
-If you own reloading dies for calibers that you do not shoot...

 
-If you understand Smith and Wesson's model numbers...

 
-If you ever bought two different brands of the same bullet just to see which one "shot better"...

 
-If watching the Lion King gives you the itch for a .470 Nitro...

 
-If you cut out your best groups and carry them in your wallet like photos..

.
-If you've ever gone to a gun show three times in one month, and were excited every time...

 
-If you feel that a golf course is a willful and deliberate misuse of a perfectly good rifle range...

 
-If you ever accidentally seasoned a steak with FFFFg black powder...

 
-If your brass tumbler used to be a small cement mixers.

 
-If you identify the gun on the cover of Dillon's Blue Press before you notice the girl...

 
-If you make $30/hr at work and spent 35 min- on your knees at the range looking for that last piece of .40 brass...

 
-If you have guns in your safes that you can't for the life of you remember how you came by...

 
-If the FBI asks you to identify firearms they can't...

 
-If ammo manufacturers had to layoff workers when you went to Europe for a month's vacation...

 
-If you know the range of every tree in the neighborhood...

 
-if you can tell the caliber of any spent casing just by feel...

 
-If you plead with the gun shop to hold a rifle/shotgun until you have space for it...

 
-If you can't figure out why your non-shooting friends laugh when you say "Bushmaster"...........

 
-If you didn't get that last one because you don't have any "non-shooting" friends...

 

-If your shoulder is callused...

 
-If manufactures ask you how their rifles hold up.

 
-If you get misty eyed evey time you sell a gun..

 
-If you guess windage and range every time you look at a road sign...

 
-If you went out to the range this weekend to shoot up ammo, just so you'd have some brass to reload..

.
-RCBS answers your phone calls, "What have YOU dreamed up this time?"..............

 
-if you can name the parts of your post-ban rifle you had to (or want to) swap out to make a legal semi auto AW

 
-if someone asks about the president and you think they're talking about charlton heston

 
-if you know the model numbers of your glocks, how many and what size mags you have, and which are loaded, but have no idea when your anniversary is.

 
-if you've ever had to explain why you need armor piercing rounds to someone

 
-if you don't know that there is a difference between "the Internet" and "Glock Talk"


-if you have ever run out of gas in your car, but have never run out of ammo before

 

-if you know the serial numbers of your guns, but still get your kids' names mixed up.

 
 
-if you go to gun shows with a grocery buggy (painted camo of course)

 
-if you had to explain to someone what a "SHTF scenerio" is

 
-if you had a gun rack on your bike when you were a kid

 
-if you know why 30-06 is pronounced "thirty alt six"

 
-if you buy all of your clothes at wal-mart but own some of the most expensive holsters known to man


-if your name is on California's AW ban

 
-if you walk up on a conversation about horses and as soon as you hear "colt", you are immediately interested.


-if your favorite saint is John Moses Browning.

 
-if your favorite paint color is "gun metal grey".

 
-if you anticipate another shooting session while you are putting your guns away at the range.

 
-if you look at Shotgun News the way teenagers look at playboy

 
-if every street sign within 5 miles of your house looks like it came from chechnya


-if you went to college, but owned more gun manuals than text books

 
-if the national guard armory has your phone number on "call block" because you keep making bids on their WWII artillary piece sitting out front.
 
-if you carry a backup gun in case the backup for your backup fails.

 
-if you carry concealed at the beach

 
-if third world arms dealers consider you to be the largest gun runner in the world (but you keep all the stuff for yourself)

 
-if you were arrested/questioned about the sniper shootings

 
-if you've filled out more "yellow forms" than income tax forms

 
-if you have your own VIP parking spot at gun shows.

 
-if you hear someone say "it's about 9:45" and you think to yourself "good grief, the 9mm/.45 debate will never end!"

 
-if you sit through a violent movie and aren't bothered by gorey violence, but flinch when someone drops a firearm (might scratch it)

 
-if you have been banned from a movie theater because you always stand up in the middle of the movie and tell everyone you can't fire 30 rounds from a revolver without reloading.

 
-if you ever took apart your Nintendo zapper and installed custom trigger,laser sight, scope, etc. for Duck Hunt

 
-if you have more firearms than friends


-if you have insurance covering your guns, but not you

 
-if you slide your paddle holster on to check your mail.


-if you slide your paddle holster on to take out the garbage.

 
-if you find yourself rapidly disassembling/re-assembling your handgun....in the dark.....on the toilet.

 
-if your guns are named names usually reserved for people

 
-if you designed your own caliber and built a firearm to fire it

 
-if you've read the Constitution

 
-if you know the second amendment by heart

 
-if you know the second amendment translated into more than 3 languages

 
-if you used to have a hill as a backstop, but now it has become a 30 foot high mound of pure lead.

-if you make your own reloading tools

 
-if you make your own powder


-if you don't label your reloading powder, because you can hear the difference when shaking the can

 
-if you have ever read an article in the crime section of the newspaper and read "the suspect had over 200 rounds of ammunition", then assumed it was a misprint. who in his right mind would get down to only 200 rounds???

 
-if your CCW is a shotgun

 
-if your CCW is a .50


- if you find yourself doing trigger and muzzle control on the bottle of your wife's glass cleaner

 
- if your girlfriend/wife is jealous of the time you spend with your guns

 
- if your already thinking about your next gun while your filling out the paperwork on the one you're buying.

 
- if the guys at the local gun shop send you a christmas card

 
- if you own a guns you haven't shot yet


 
- if you have a room in your house dedicated to guns

 

 
i- if the sound of full auto gun fire makes you feel all warm and fuzzy

 
-if you shook the presents under your tree, and one fired a round out of it

.
-if you've spent more money at Midway USA, Brownell's, and Cabela's than the companies are worth.

 
-if your will specifies your favorite firearm(s) to be buried with you.

 
-if the glock talk logo is burned into your computer monitor

.
-if you have had a friend who thought knives were soooo cool and dangerous, then you showed him your AK-47 collection

 
-if you wonder why you must renew your CCW license every year, but your marriage license won't expire.

 
-if you know you carry 45 caliber 230 grain full metal jacketed hydra-shock hollow points from Federal, but don't know the color of your wife's eyes.

 
-if you buy Hoppe's solvent in 50 gallon drums because your howitzer "likes" it


-if the gun show owners let you in free.

 
-if you named a dog after a gun.
 
-if you name your kids after your guns
 
-if you time yourself each time you fill out one of those yellow forms, and you're down to a minute flat.

 
-if you're only dating/marrying a girl so you can shoot her gun collection.
 
-if the wallpaper on your desktop is firearm related

 
-if the wallpaper in a room of your house is firearm related


 
-if you have no wallpaper or house, but live in a dug-out underground bunker to keep your guns safe

 
-if you carry pictures of your guns in your wallet

 
-if you ever heard gun shots outside your house late at night, but fell into a state of sheer panic because you couldn't decide which gun to grab
.
 
-if your favorites in the computer only have one folder, "guns."

 

 

[Bobbo]

A visit by a Nun...



A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while all the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
 
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

 
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
 

She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
 

Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender, Would you like a drink?
No thank you, but, I still don't understand, said the puzzled nun.
 
You see, laughed the bartender, every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
 
Now, how about that drink?
~

They actually had this very thing in a restaurant at the Lake of the Ozarks here in MO.  Instead of the lights going out, a red light and buzzer were outside and above the lady's room door!   

Everyone would applaud the women coming out after the buzzer went off!   

[Roy]

A Blonde In Church
 
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

 

 

~

[Roy]

Physicians  VS  Gun owner Stats...





Physicians:
a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health &Human Services)

 

Now think about this . . .

Guns:
a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.





Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

 

Remember, "Guns don't kill people; doctors do."

 

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


Note: Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.









~

[Roy]

Grass...


Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

Ole said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat, den?” asks Sven.
 
 

“Send my lawn away to be mowed."






~

[Roy]

Cars and Computer Tecnhology...



For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
 
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
 

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
 

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
 

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!






~

[Roy]

Finances...




It is the month of August, and a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.  It is tough times; everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

 
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.  He enters the only hotel, lays a 100- dollar bill on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

 
The hotel proprietor takes the 100-dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

 
The butcher takes the 100-dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser.

 
The pig raiser takes the 100-dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

 
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100-dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute, who in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

 
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100-dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

 
The  hotel proprietor then lays the 100-dollar bill back on the counter so that  the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

 
At  that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and  takes his 100-dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

 
No one earned anything.  However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

 
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.









~

[Bobbo]

Finances...

I know this is supposed to be a political joke, but it is amusing for a different reason.  It's a slam against the current administration, but actually describes normal capitalism.  Each business person had both a debtor and creditor in the same amount of money.  They each paid their respective creditor with their debtor's money.  The joke is on the author for confusing normal business with government financial abuse!   

[Jess from VA]

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

 

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

 

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

 

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'POOPY' YET."

 

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT,BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

 
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

[Super Santa]

World's Shortest Books

MY BLACK GIRL FRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
_________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
___________________________________________________
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama

[RoadKill]

Finances...

I know this is supposed to be a political joke, but it is amusing for a different reason.  It's a slam against the current administration, but actually describes normal capitalism.  Each business person had both a debtor and creditor in the same amount of money.  They each paid their respective creditor with their debtor's money.  The joke is on the author for confusing normal business with government financial abuse!   

Dont Hijack this one ,dude !  Nothing was said about the current failure. delete yer post and I'll do the same.  deal ?  ???

[Super Santa]

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at McDonald's said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver.  Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind..

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized..

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[Roy]

Keepem coming...  LOL



H U M O R  . . . . Thread, nothing to get riled up about.

[Bobbo]

Finances...

I know this is supposed to be a political joke, but it is amusing for a different reason.  It's a slam against the current administration, but actually describes normal capitalism.  Each business person had both a debtor and creditor in the same amount of money.  They each paid their respective creditor with their debtor's money.  The joke is on the author for confusing normal business with government financial abuse!   

Dont Hijack this one ,dude !  Nothing was said about the current failure. delete yer post and I'll do the same.  deal ?  ???

No hijack, just pointing out the alternate humor in the joke!

And yes, it said "...is how the United States Government is doing business today."

[Roy]

Trouble with the Plaines engines...



While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."









~

[Jess from VA]

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.
He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost in DC

--------------------------------------------------

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for eighteen more months!

Signed,
Abby

[Roy]

A joke from a friend in Old Mexico.


Little Toe...


I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night, and I said, "You remind me of my little toe."


"Is that because I'm small and cute?" she asked.


"No,” I replied. “It's because I'll probably end up banging you on my coffee table later tonight.”







~

[Roy]

A few blonde jokes...



Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?


It finally dawned on her.

__________________________________________________________________________




Did you hear about the blonde who put “Sagittarius” at the bottom of application form. . . 


where it said “Sign Here”.





____________________________________________________________________________





Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her . . . 

for a make-up exam?









~

[Roy]

B. O. at the Ball Park...


Barack and Michelle Obama are at the White Sox game.

Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of
The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And...the fans would love it!"

So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"








~

[Roy]

Oh, I have got to run and take care of this "right now".   I looked at the email header and I was one of 25 recipients to this thing. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


New York State — Department of Motor Vehicles

UNIFORM TRAFFIC TICKET

POLICE AGENCY

NEW YORK STATE POLICE

Local Police Code

THE PERSON DESCRIBED ABOVE IS CHARGED AS FOLLOWS




Time

7:25 AM

Date of Offense

07/02/2011

IN VIOLATION OF

NYS V AND T LAW

Description of Violation


SPEED OVER 55 ZONE


TO PLEAD, PRINT OUT THE ENCLOSED TICKET AND SEND IT TO TOWN COURT, CHATAM HALL., PO BOX 117
...


Almost humorous if this Bogus Ticket wasn't clogging up my in-box.







~

[DarkMeister]

A joke from a friend in Old Mexico.


Little Toe...


I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night, and I said, "You remind me of my little toe."


"Is that because I'm small and cute?" she asked.


"No,” I replied. “It's because I'll probably end up banging you on my coffee table later tonight.”







~

All I can say is...BRAVO! I've been laughing over this little gem for 20 minutes and can't stop. Priceless.

[bscrive]

A young newlywed hillbilly walks into his Pa's house on his wedding night.

Pa says " Junior, where is your new wife?"

Junior: "I left her Pa"

Pa: "Why in tarnation did you do that"

Junior: "Pa, I found out that she is a virgin!!"

Pa: "You done right boy, if she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours"

[Roy]

Strange Laws in Utah...





It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.


Birds have the right of way on all highways.


It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

 
It is against the law to fish from horseback.


When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.


A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
 


You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.
 


It is illegal not to drink milk.
 



Kaysville
You must have identification to enter a convienence store after dark.


Logan
Women may not swear.


Monroe
Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.


Provo
Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.


Salt Lake City
No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.


Trout Creek
Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.








~

[Super Santa]

A Woman's Revenge

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said.

"Nope, you are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

[Roy]

Three young women go to Mexico...



Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they  are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
 
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens.. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

 
 The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
 "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.


 
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a  degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now,


ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.   










~

[Super Santa]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested..
All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

[Roy]

Strange Laws in Alabama...


It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.



 
You may not drive barefooted.


It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.


It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.


Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.



Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.


Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.


Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.


It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.


Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.


Incestous marriages are legal.


It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.




You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.


Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.


Jasper
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.


Mobile
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.


It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.


Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)










~

[bscrive]

What does a Texas tornado and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

After all is said and done, someone is going to loose a trailer home.

[Roy]

Lone Ranger and Tonto...



The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.


Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

 
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

 
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

 

Meteorologic ally, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?'






'You dumber than buffalo rolling in snow.    It tells me someone stole tent.'






~

[Roy]

Curtis and Leroy and the Mule...


Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville , MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry fellows, I have some bad news. The mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK, then just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, "What'd you fellers ever do with that there dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for one of those TV Info commercial companies, people will buy
anyting sight unseen on TV.






~ 

[Roy]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?



For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
 

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

                                             ____________________________


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.


In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
 
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely,


Crock O. Schitt  

[Super Santa]

A REAL WOMAN

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never let him down.

She will comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions.

She will enable him to be confident, sexy, masculine and invincible...

No wait.

Sorry. I'm thinking of beer. It's BEER that does all that...Never mind!

[Roy]

Trucker arrested !   .  .  .   

*****  Five Star Joke



So with all of the news recently, Ive been reading news sites...and i found this interesting..



This week in PA a trucker was driving down the interstate hauling gasoline. He had been filling service stations tanks and was returning back to home base. While off loading fuel some of the gas got on his clothing.



He was on the freeway when he lit up a cigarette. His left arm caught fire and he was in a bunch of pain. He started swerving all over the road and he finally put his arm outside the window to try and let the air blow the fire out. The increased airflow caused the arm to burn even more and the guy frantically waved his burning arm about.



A PA State trooper just happened to be going the other way and flipped a U-turn and caught up with the truck.



The officer pulled the truck over and helped extinguish the blaze.


~







~





He then arrested the trucker for. . .





"brandishing a fire arm."  

__________________
Warning:This post is being read via light, a substance known to the state of California to cause cancer









~

[Roy]

Squaw make Chief very happy...




An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
 

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

 
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

 
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

 
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

 
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"


 

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."









~
 

[Roy]

Police Stop at 1 AM...


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 am, and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"


~


The man replies.... "That would be my wife."








~