H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

It must be a trend in the Redneck Commnuity.  The new and improved Auto AC Power AC.
















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[MacDragon]

New Lie Detector Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
It's 100% accurate. The dad decides to test it out on his son at supper.

The father says, "Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library." The robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie: Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
"OK it was porn!" cried the son.
The father yells, "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the Mother.

[MacDragon]

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[Jess from VA]

  

[grandpaweaver]

   

 
 
 
On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a rider.


"Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed.  Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out.  This is surely going to cost you a lot.  What's your name?"


"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."

"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."
 

 

[Jess from VA]

A Newfoundland family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.

All the Newfoundland facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a mainland home.

After a few weeks in the Sydney facility, they came to visit grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson ...

'It's wonderful! everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.

You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents', Grandpa says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here.... he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here.... he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!'

'There's a dentist here.... 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'

'And me....

I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The foking Newfie.'

[Roy]

Helicopter ride at the State Fair . . .



Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,
And every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
 
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
 
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
" Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
 
To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
 
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
 
Ed replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[Roy]

`
I made a mistake...


I told her she had three beautiful children.

My mistake.

She didn't have to get all pissed off and threaten me with a bomb!

It was an honest mistake.









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[Roy]

Two Old Men . . .


TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
 
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
 
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
 
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
 
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
 
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
 
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER.'

[Roy]

KEEP ON DIGGING . . .



An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."



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[Roy]

Maintaining a healthy level of insanity . .


















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[Roy]

All you Grandpas and Grandmas, This was too funny not to forward.
 We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of
 our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!
 
--- What Is Couple Sex?
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the
 yard
 and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
 
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
 but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question,
 then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
 
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all
 about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities
 of intercourse.
 
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him
 with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
 
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did
 you ask this question, honey?"
 
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in
 just a couple secs.







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[Roy]

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[Roy]

REDNECK MEASURING TAPE











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[Roy]

Boudreaux buys Clarice a new automatic
Jaguar XF





She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.


After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out Thibodeaux, their best technician to check it out.
 
Thibodeaux checks the car and can't find anything wrong with it. So he asked Clarice: Are you sure you are using the right gears?
 
Clarice is mad now, yes: You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask me such a question?
I might be a blonde but I am not dumb you know! Of course I'm using the right gears;
I use the D during the day and the N during the night.





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[Roy]

Ed and Nancy . . .



Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker.."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."





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[Roy]

My wife won't like it . . .



A golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a "beautiful" golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
 
"Hey, are you okay, . . .  what's yourname?"
 "Willis," he replied.
 
"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa ,rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and very persuasive.


"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know anything.  By the way, where is she?"
 


"Under the cart
 



 

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[bigguy]

July 4th fireworks

A friend if mine told me that is was so dry where he lived that there was a burn ban in effect.
I said, "Well it sucks that your kids won't get to see fireworks this 4th."
He said, "I can't do that to my kids. They deserve to see some fireworks, so I'm just going home and tell my wife how pretty her sister is."

[..]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time . . .


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin . . .
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . ...  I thought
to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance.  Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push
and she fell over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.  A spokesman for the
channel said . . .'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were $70!!!
Blow that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind
a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’  So I bought her some scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs... The
chicks love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to
make it more difficult to claim benefits. --- From next week, all the
forms will be printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AAA van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Mexico, I saw a sign that said ‘English-speaking
doctor’.  I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our
country?'

[tank_post142]

  thanks! you made my afternoon!

[Roy]

THE NEW 'DEPENDS'




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[Roy]

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[Roy]

PRAYER FOR GRANDPA . . .




Dear God,


 Please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Grandpa's' computer.
 Amen.

[Roy]

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LAZY ROAD CREW . . .














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[Jess from VA]

He's not dead, he's just sleeping.             (see Monty Python and the parrot episode)

[Roy]

       

Yeah, he does look sleepy.

[Roy]

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[Roy]

Distinctive Mens Undergarment . . . made into a Tank Top












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[steve 3054]

Ellisville, Mississippi,
 
April 12, 2012

 
An Ellisville school teacher called the local phone company to report
 
Her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -
 
And that on the few occasions, when it did ring,
 
 her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

     

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,
 
Curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
 
 
 
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
 
And dialed the subscriber's house.
 


The phone didn't ring right away,
 
But then the dog moaned
 
And the telephone began to ring.
 


Climbing down from the pole,
 
The telephone repairman found:


1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.


2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.


3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.


4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.


5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

                                 Which demonstrates that
 
                             Some problems CAN be fixed
 
                                 By Pissing and moaning.

[Roy]

       

[Roy]

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[Roy]

New female blonde flight attendant . . .



An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"






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[Don07tncav]

Fishing License
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the W arden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there ... well, he don't have one."

[Roy]

        

[Roy]

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BARKA . . .












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[MacDragon]

YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP


At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots
handled negative comments about our country.

These are good.
**********

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US Military
out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"


DeGaulle did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop.
**********

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of
 'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our
 borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for In return is enough to bury those that did not return."

You could have heard a pin drop.
**********

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the
French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help
 the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear
 powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
 they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims
and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships. How many does France have?"

You could have heard a pin drop.
**********

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail
 reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in
English as they sipped their drinks but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans, who all speak English, arranged it
 so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.
**********

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
 help liberate this country from Hitler, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

[Roy]

Gooood posting!

[Roy]

A HOTEL EMERGENCY . . .



Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room: "Please
 come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out
 the window of your hotel!"
 
 
 The manager responds: "Sir, that is a personal matter."
 
 Husband: "Idiot! The window won't open! That's a Maintenance matter!"





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[Roy]

The new Harlequin Novel--2012 Version
 

 

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a

room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

 

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring

voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I

felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and

moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my

throat.

 

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so

experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight

shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his

knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib-cage. And then, as he cupped my firm,

full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

 

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my

shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties. Although I knew

nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought.

 

A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer.

 

A man who would tell me what he wanted.

 

 A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

 


 

 Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."






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[Roy]

MOTORCYCLE JOKE...



Most motorcycle problems are caused by the nut that connects the handlebars to the saddle.






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