H U M O R Thread . Nothing to get riled up about. Jokes, puns, and riddles.

[Roy]

Enough Said on the afore mentioned joke...

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THE LATE SHOW___


A Playboy Playmate was smuggling her boyfriend into the United States from Canada. The young Playmate smuggled the guy in a suitcase.

So that got me to thinking that these Playboy Playmates may not be as smart as we think they are. They're going to arrest the poor girl as soon as they are done patting her down. - David Letterman




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[Roy]

Ole and Clarence on the River...



Ole lived across River from Clarence, who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years.

Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, said, "Now is your chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence yust like you said you vould?"

Ole said, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat."

Ole started for the bridge, but then he saw a sign on the bridge. He stopped to read it, then he turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change me mind 'bout beatin' up datder Clarence. Dey put a sign on da bridge dat says 'Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches.' You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river!"






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[Roy]

NUN TALKING TO CONSTRUCTION WORKERS...


An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "Cause his wife's here with his lunch."






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[Roy]

Visually Challenged.














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[Roy]

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[cookiedough]

Visually Challenged.






We have a lady in our office that has the same sized top half.  I look over her shoulder when she needs help and I too have wondered how she sees the darn keyboard to do her job.  My issue is the waist sticking out but luckily most of that is below the keyboard but if it gets much bigger, I am in trouble as well. 









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[Roy]

86 year old Queen takes up new hobby.

















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[Roy]

PUNOGRAPHIC PUNS . . .



I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now .

When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I always wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.







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[Roy]

Friends thought Water Tubing would be a "walk in the park"










Whoa nellie, slow that boat down..













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[Roy]

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COP MAKES A QUICK IMPROVISATION JUMP...





















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[Roy]

CEO Intelligence . . .






As an Engineer is leaving work for the day and on his way out
he see's the CEO trying to put a peice of paper in the shredder.  The CEO asks him, 'Can you make this thing work? My secretaries off today and its real important.' the Engineer turns it on and puts the paper into the shredder.

As its slowly dissappearing into the shredder the CEO says,'I only need one copy'.







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[Roy]

MOTORCYCLES SEEM TO BE ATTRACTED TO FRESH DONUTS...



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[Roy]

I've been looking for a good workout routine and finally found one, but it will take several weeks to study.



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Женский бодибилдинг2.mp4	powered by Aeva

[Roy]

Doctors Bill...



Had a friend that went to the doctor and was told he had six months to live.

When the doctor found out he couldn't pay his bill, he gave him another six months.





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[Roy]

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Only in Israel do the Police look this good carrying weapons.














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[Roy]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind...



I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest has fallen into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.






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[Roy]

Another good morning or when ever workout right here at VRCC. . .




http://youtu.be/fkhFDDpZ5zg






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[Roy]

Some people don't realize that a Jumping Cactus really can jump.













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[Roy]

Busy Singing Cat . . .













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[jer0177]

Busy Singing Cat . . .

And that, folks is the ONLY valid reason to have the TP "under" instead of "over"!   

[Roy]

Sounds logical !          

[Roy]

Einstein or Marilyn?














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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Resurrection . . .



The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.


He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone knowwhat the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said Please tell us what the resurrection is".
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that child's voice won't be.








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[Roy]

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Roller-pinned out of the house again.















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[Roy]

All you need to motorcycle in the country in Israel is a couple of paper clips and a couple
of guns.














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[Roy]

The F.B.I.



The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two women and a man.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal
door and handed her a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your husband sitting in a chair. Kill him!!" The woman said,
"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my husband."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right person for this job. Take your husband and go home."

The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my husband."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your husband & leave."

Finally, it was the man's turn. He was given the same instructions,
to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat
from his brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks!" he said. "I had to
beat her to death with the chair."







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[Roy]

Exercise . . .




exercise~ It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add
one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.


~ My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97
now and we don't know where on earth she is!


~ The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.


~ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.


~ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.


~ I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would
have put them further up on our body.


~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


~ I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


~ The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.







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[Roy]

DOCTOR'S VISIT . . .















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[Roy]

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Hilbilly Gas Chamber...














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[Roy]

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The Philosophy ofAmbiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:



1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?








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[Roy]

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[Roy]

BIG BREAST SELF EXAMINATION . . .



”You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now…….


Now press the other one."




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[Roy]

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[Roy]

Golpher hits unusual object..



http://youtu.be/XRIzE_xMqMI

[Roy]

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[Roy]

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I25. Please be careful!"



"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"



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[Roy]

GOING TO THE DENTIST...












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[tank_post142]

Neil Armstrong used to tell BAD jokes about the moon, when no one laughed, he'd chuckle and just say: I guess you had to be there!   

[Roy]